In September of ‘22 I celebrated 10 years inside of sex and love addiction recovery. I’m a different person now than I was 11 years ago. I’ve overcome so very much in my walk with Jesus. I’m not constantly stressed out chasing my next orgasm or living a double life. I have peace and harmony in my life now. I’ve gone over two years without physical sex in my life ever since my divorce. I was married to my last sex partner. It feels surreal in many ways. I have no idea how I’ve accomplished this. The last time I was single, I lived a very different life than the one I live now. In fact, the last year before entering recovery, I had 57 sex partners inside that one 12-month period. I’ve slept with hundreds of women in my life. So, when I say I’ve been celibate for the last two years, it carries a truckload of weight in my world.
But the truth is after ten years of hard work, I still feel as lost at times as I ever have. It’s so easy to lose sight of what I’ve overcome and only see my failures. It’s the last 25% that seems so hard to overcome.
I might white knuckle a week or maybe even two of sexual sobriety from porn here or there, but it’s like a ticking time bomb. A bomb that I know will eventually explode. It’s been a constant monkey on my back for longer than I can remember. I hate it with everything in me. I just want to flip the switch and never struggle with all this junk ever again. I’ve sat in meeting after meeting listening to guys make proclamations of freedom in Christ and will never do this or that again. But it never fails, only months later those same people would be confessing the same junk they swore would never be part of their lives again. I’m as guilty of this as anyone. If I had a nickel for every time I deleted my search history, I’d be a millionaire.
I have major respect for those with long term sobriety from porn and masturbation. It's something I struggle with everyday, and It’s not because I haven’t tried because I’ve tried everything. I did make it 9 months once, but I was married to a smoking hot wife at the time and having sex once or twice everyday. So was that real sobriety or just focusing my addiction toward my wife? I honestly don’t know… I know this, there was no divine awakening that happened, and there were still times of massive struggle to not act out. So here I am ten years in, I’m a better and more mature believer in Christ. There has been measurable progress. But I still find myself in habitual sin that I’m very ashamed of. I still find myself very much in need of a Savior everyday. Without Christ, there would be no hope of salvation. So I walk inside the faith that Jesus is enough to save me from myself. Every other option only leads to more bondage and suffering. At least the suffering of my current struggles is bearable and not leading me toward deeper levels of death. My life doesn’t align with most church stereotypes but it’s the only life I know.
I said all that very uncomfortable truth to say this. I’ve been hungry for freedom from this and praying very hard for God to help change my thinking about these things. The problem of porn addiction for me is both spiritual and psychological. The spiritual part is easiest for me because I firmly believe I was made whole when I decided in 1994 to believe that Jesus’ death at Calvary was enough for my sin. That his resurrection empowers me to change and has broken the yoke of bondage Satan once had on me. I am free and whole as my Heavenly Father looks at me through the blood of Jesus. I am righteous through my savior Christ Jesus. My faith is strong and my convictions solid on the theology of my salvation. But…psychologically my childhood and environment has hacked my brain and laid before me many layers of dysfunction and toxicity. There’s no denying the chaos this has caused in my life and the battlefield behind me is full of the dead and wounded I have injured over the decades of my adult life. For at least 20 years of my adult life, most of those years inside the faith and working in the church, I was secretly lost in the dark carnival of my fleshly desires. The results of a broken childhood where my abusers brain twisted me into thinking it was only through the pursuit of sexual intensity that I could find love, validation, and acceptance. I was groomed patiently and enticed into a world of performance-based acceptance and security. And I was quick to learn that the more I gave of myself to my abusers, the more validation I got from them. So I submitted to the lie with an innocent heart having no idea what the long-term effects of these things would do to me. My abuse included torture and every form of intercourse known to mankind. This went on from age 3 till about 10 or 12. I was so brain washed that there were times I pursued my abusers always hungry for their attention and fake love. That has been the hardest part to deal with as an adult. Part of that little kid wanted to make my abusers happy so they would give me what any normal kid would get from a loving family. It was very conditional and a rollercoaster of evil manipulation. But it was my childhood. I can’t change it. So why is it any surprise to me that I would grow up to be a narcissistic sexual predator in my own rite? Sorting through my childhood is one thing, but sorting through the failures I myself caused is another. It’s been a long hard road, and I’m thankful for where I am, but it only reveals more layers to peel.
But something happened to me about 4 days ago. I had a breakthrough in some respects. I’ve lived the last two years of my life after my divorce just sort of numb and going through the motions of life. My sobriety has not been as important to me as it once was. I’m alone now, therefore I ask myself, "Who’s it really hurting?", and besides, it makes me feel some kind of connection even if it’s an unhealthy one. I’ve dabbled in every form of past addiction behaviors, sort of poking at the bear with a stick, recklessly with no regard for my own well-being. Thankfully God has kept me from the horrible rabbit holes all of which only lead me downwards. There were even moments where I entertained thoughts of returning to the swingers scene, telling myself “why not…” From there, the Holy Spirit reminded me of where that lead me last time. Again, God’s Grace was keeping me from myself. I’m so grateful for that.
So here's what happened. God showed me something about his holy character four days ago that just flipped a switch in my head. We get so lost in his grace and eternal security that we forget that God is not ok with our sin, and dancing on his mercies is a very dangerous place to live. I know God loves me, and as long as I’m a firm believer in Jesus, my salvation is secure. But that doesn’t mean my Heavenly Father is accepting of my habitual sin, because he’s absolutely not. Grace does not make sin acceptable - in any form. And we are fools to think that we can live whatever life we want without repercussions. There are earthly consequences to our behavior that's right here, right now, and too in our future if we don’t align our will with God's. in this regard. Please know that this isn’t meant to be a "turn or burn" statement. It’s a turn and become whole statement. God can only work all things towards good in our lives when we are first denying ourselves. From there, we can follow Jesus.
I could see how much of a fool I’ve been for years thinking my flesh and Christ's holiness could live in the same house. I will either obey one and hate the other or love one and turn from the other. Considering that, I understand that life is messy because I’m a mess. Nonetheless, I believe I’ve missed the self-control / discipline aspect of this for far too long.
I cannot do this in my own strength; I can only do it through Christ that strengthens me. And this isn’t to say that I desire to live a perfect life going forward. That’s an illusion that will never exist in this world. But I can put away old things and receive all the new things God has for me. I’m no idiot; I know overcoming one layer only reveals another. But at least I can hope for the graduation from these things (detailed above) that have long imprisoned my mind. Pray for me guys, I’m still trying to unpack it all. And I may totally relapse tomorrow. But it just feels different now, and maybe just maybe, this is the breakthrough I’ve been praying for. So here I am…ten years in and just starting to scratch the surface of real freedom.
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