I began serving as a Silas for the first time back in 2010, and this very Samson Society-like friendship lasted through early 2012. Likewise, the man I was serving, also served as my Silas. This relationship came to fruition like so many do within the Samson Society of today. It was based on intense need spurred on by crisis.
At this time, neither of us men (I was in my late 30s and my Silas six years younger) had any inkling of the Samson Society. In fact, I'd never even heard the term "porn addict" 'till my new friend labeled himself as such over a routine lunch. From there, I revealed my struggles with homosexual desires coupled with gay porn. It made for a sobering / very unique moment for both of us as we naively (& now somewhat nakedly) stepped forward together.
There was a relational lull (downtime / cooling off) immediately following this conversation (2-3 months) before our friendship kicked into high gear. And this occurred once my new "porn addict" friend found himself on vocational "probation" at your church.
And this probation stemmed from him being on staff as our youth pastor (which was his exact title).
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As each other's Silases, Chris and I met once a week on Tuesday nights in my garage. Our routine during these evenings consisted of us running a few miles close to my 'hood before chatting / praying (either in my garage or on my patio). These meetings were usually no more than 90 minutes, but each encounter was deeply affecting as we quickly began benefiting from relational accountability. During this time, Chris' probation (vocation at our church) was lifted for which we were both very relieved to see.
Here's an excerpt from a letter I wrote Chris back in 2018 (I hadn't communicated with him for over six years when this was penned):
"I’m writing to thank you for showing me firsthand just how effective being in community truly is for Rob
relative to sanctification and personal growth. The friendship that we had while you were youth pastor
at Lakeside represented a period of time for me that literally changed my way of thinking as it pertains
to what men can and should be doing for each other as brothers in Christ. In fact, I would go so far as to
say without a shadow of a doubt that my memory of our kind of friendship represents to me today my
most cherished long-term goal in life.
Were it not for your willingness to be authentic during our lunch that day at Jerusalem Café in Fondren, I
seriously doubt that I would be as well versed in the power of community to the degree that I am.
Thank you for taking that risk with me and for in turn giving me permission to do the same with you."
That accurately sums up how much I benefited from this friendship for such a time as that and on into the future relative to how it played out as an ideal.
But then it came to an end over me choosing to betray my dear friend, and I did this out of respect for what I felt was the highest goal of our relationship. That being his recovery combined with my abiding love for the church.
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Over nine months of no gay porn consumption (for Rob) was a thrilling development of this friendship. That's what was going on with me during our committed times together. I distinctly remember divulging that to my friend out of sincere thankfulness. My time with Chris gave me relation to a straight man who could speak my language / empathize with my struggles coupled with accountability. Meeting weekly relative to our simplistic routine was all I seemingly needed. As such, it far outweighed the loneliness I was attempting to stave off via the consumption of salacious imagery.
But unfortunately, my success seemingly wasn't mirrored within him. His struggles with porn were different than my own (& I respected this truth), and once he admitted to how dishonesty towards me (regarding his implied sobriety) had also played a part in our "iron sharpening iron" friendship, I soon became wholeheartedly convinced that he needed far more men rallying around him than just me alone.
We discussed my concern and recommendation at length. From there, I urged him to disclose to the kindhearted, thoughtful Associate Pastor (who was serving as his immediate supervisor at the time & who's still on staff at our church today). And he came very close to agreeing to do this (with me standing by his side). I was so proud of him and equally excited to see how God might use this to his benefit.
Eventually though, he stepped back from the idea, claiming that it was through his therapist's commentary (I had encouraged him to start seeing a Christian counselor at the seminary he was enrolled at) that he'd decided to begin backing away from our friendship entirely.
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I love the church. If there's one thing that's distinctively added so much goodness into my life, it's been the church. Hence, I have great respect for the church as well as what it's built upon: God's word.
As an aside, Chris and I debated on multiple occasions as to whether or not he was an actual pastor relative to him overseeing the youth ministry. And this all stemmed from me citing New Testament scripture which explicitly states that elders and pastors will be / must be held to a higher standard than everyone else.
But mostly, I wanted him to obtain the help he no doubt needed, and I knew that our singular friendship alone wasn't going to cut it.
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I reconnected with Chris in 2019 at the National Samson Society retreat in Eva, TN. He actually admitted to me that years after my betrayal in 2012 (here in Mississippi), another older (also new) friend of his did the same. And hearing this absolutely crushed me, from the standpoint of this cycle continuing forward.
Chris has queried me just once regarding my decision to betray him, doing so from the standpoint of asking, "Would I do anything differently if I had a chance to relive that experience?"
Of course, I don't see any benefit in attempting to answer this question, but I do know that I have zero regret over what I chose to do.
Today, Chris is no longer serving as a youth pastor. I don't know exactly how many years he's been formally decoupled from that role, but I'm thinking around four. Overall, based on the historical commentary that's been relayed to me about Chris (from when he served on staff at our church), within the role of youth pastor, it's been mostly negative. And this isn't surprising to me due to how deeply / privately transfixed he was to sexual sin during his tenure.
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As a sidenote:
Years ago (fairly early on in my involvement in Samson Society here in Jackson), a younger Samson guy asked for my input regarding a married (husband) friend of his who'd recently divulged (to him) that he was actively committing adultery behind his wife's back via (gay) hookups. Without hesitation I asked my young friend if his adulterous friend was - at that time - formally separated from his wife. And after he confirmed that he was not, I unflinchingly charged him with the responsibility of protecting his friend's wife from her husband's stupidity (sexually transmitted diseases, etc.).
He was magnanimously opposed to the idea of betraying his friend. So much so that it was as if I had recommended he gleefully spend a few hours dodging traffic whilst attempting to crisscross the Interstate.
And that was the end of my friendship with this young Samson brother.
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Close relationships that are harmonically predisposed to Samson Society-like principles should never be immune to the moral / spiritual obligations each man has to himself and others (including the church) outside of the relationship. If it has become this way, I would argue, the relationship has become incestuous.
Inversely (healthily), that statement relates to the oft short-lived (close) friendships that grow out of Samson Society meetings / community. For healthiness between friends, equating to a solid recovery regimen, naturally matures / expands outward over time. It's very similar to evangelism when evangelism is being propelled supernaturally by God's Spirit. Especially too considering the intensity of these relationships.
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I'll likely never forget the night Chris attempted to reach me once he'd realized that I was going to follow through with my intentions (the next day). Witnessing his panic was almost too much to bear.
Deep, Christ-centered friendship is, at times, fucking hard.
In closing, today Chris is once again my Silas (officially), and he has been so for probably three months now. His birthday is Monday, (1/31), and I've always remembered that because it was on that day back in 2012 when he was terminated from his position as youth pastor at our church (this termination happened before my betrayal). Interestingly enough, regarding his termination, no one at the church knew - to the extent that I did - of his deep-seated issues with Internet porn.
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I'm pleased to say that Chris will be co-leading a winter retreat in Gulf Shores, AL next month, and I'm privileged to be slated to attend (1 of 16). This will be my second regional Samson Society retreat that I've attended and that he's also co-facilitated.
His work today as a coach / counselor / group leader is exemplary. It is no doubt exactly where he needs to be for such a time as this.
He and I - hopefully - will expectedly carry this friendship of ours on into heaven, taking into account all of the various seasons we've lived through - both singularly and together.
Thanks be to God for bringing Chris Inman into my life all those years ago. No man's friendship has impacted me more profoundly than his.
