Don't Allow Others' Harsh, Critical Words To Steal Your Joy

At "opportune" times, my father channels my late grandmother (his mother) with aplomb relative to his harsh, critical words / tone.  And because he's my dad, his words carry far more weight than those from anyone else (besides my wife).  

Our Independence Day holiday was spent with my folks, and it was a delightful, fun-filled day, but Robert, Sr., in turn, thanks to that time spent, was given the opportunity to silently critique that which was available to him (me and my family) therein.

And silently critique he did.

Therefore, yesterday, he chose to relay his criticism to me off the cuff while we were going about our business there at the family business (I work for my parents).

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Harsh, critical words from loved ones, especially older loved ones, hurt like hell.  So much so, that I can see clearly how people who endure this abuse chronically often turn to drugs / alcohol / porn to cope with the emotional scars.  It's only through God's grace that I've never chosen to do this, though I've certainly consumed countless hours of gay porn of my own accord. 

As Christians, we are compelled and commanded to be honorable to our parents.  This is a Biblical mandate.  But, heavens to Betsy, this is tough to follow through with when your 'rents behave like assholes on occasion.

So what can be done?

Two things.

One, protect you yourself from the asshole.  And I believe the best approach to this is respectful avoidance.

Two, pray for the asshole.  Pray that he sees himself clearly and is convicted to repent.

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At times, we all say things that we regret.  We all choose to behave at times - through our speech - harshly and with little to no care.  This is a fact.  

Put your focus on Christ today.  His encouragement.  His grace.  His love for you.  And let go of everything else.  But especially harsh, critical words that have cut into your heart.  Refuse to allow harsh, critical words from the assholes within your life to make any more of an impact than they already have.

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As a sidenote, I perused through the tome, Hope Heals by Katherine & Jay Wolf early this AM.  It's a book that Angie was recommended, the story of which resonates (with both of us) relative to her 2020 stroke.

The book is written alternatively between both Jay and Katherine's perspective as they endure the trauma of Katherine's medical ordeal, therefore it's a very compelling (& easy) read.  Highly recommended.

A section that stood out to me this AM was the patriarchal support Jay received from his pastor dad immediately following his wife's medical diagnosis and the subsequent daylong neurosurgery she needed to survive her specific stroke.  Though Angie's situation last year was far less serious, I felt a bit hollow inside as I read about Jay's time with his dad praying, embracing, and weeping together.  

My experience last year regarding Angie's stroke as it pertains to my dad was altogether different.  Though no one could visit her in the hospital (COVID-19 restrictions), I was blessed to be geographically close by (our office is one mile from St. D.) during the day.  Experientially though, for me, other than my mother asking a handful of questions each day, my dad never prayed with me, spoke any words of specific fatherly encouragement regarding Angie's situation, or even embraced me.  In essence, there was no shoulder offered to cry on whatsoever. 

It was as if what had happened to us was best chalked up to simply bad luck (or perhaps judgement), and as a result, he was now better positioned overall (since it hadn't happened to him).  Or at least that's what it sort of felt like.

People have asked me through the years why I work for my dad once they realize just how pervasive his posturing really is.  And it's hard for me to answer that question.  For you see, it's all I've ever known.  To me, it's Rob's version of normal.

In closing, I know many of you can relate to some degree to this travesty.  You are not alone.  All that being said, hold your head up as Christian men, and remember your Heavenly Father's love, affirmation, and specifically catered care.

Recommended Reading - National Review

 American Men Suffer a Friendship Recession (msn.com)

The Don Waller

If you've benefited from being a part of the Samson Society here in the Jackson Metro, it's all because of Don Waller.  If you've ever had the good fortune of facilitating a Samson Society group here within the Jackson Metro, it's because Mr. Don Waller set the example for you.  If you've ever had the privilege of being another man's Silas or have you yourself had a Silas to lean on (whilst living here within the Jackson Metro), all of that goodness originated with Mr. Don Waller.

Mr. Don Waller started the very first Samson Society group here in the Jackson Metro whilst on a quest to find a means to sustain a weekly men's group that centered around Christians who were willing to be authentic.  Prior to him becoming privy to Mr. Nate Larkin's excellent tome, Samson and the Pirate Monks:  Calling Men To Authentic Brotherhood,  Don had attempted to build a men's group around a weekly book study, therefore he looked to standard fare like Wild At Heart by John Eldredge.  But this was too familiar, too safe.  Plus, a lot of men avoid reading books altogether.  Hence, the baked in discrimination within this book study approach.

I don't know any more specific details as to how Don made his final decision to transition from book study to Samson Society, but I anticipate hearing of those details on November 5-7, 2021 at the National Samson Society retreat in Eva, TN.  For it's there that Don will be leading a Saturday workshop titled "How To Grow A Healthy Samson Group".  

The theme of the 2021 National Samson Society retreat is "Rebuilding The Walls".  Now, I'm not sure what that means exactly, but I've no doubt much thought went into it by the Samson Society powers that be.

I want to encourage you to attend the 2021 National Samson Society retreat if at all possible.  And mainly, I say this to you here more as a big brother than anything else.  Call it positive peer pressure.  I know Don well.  He's a close, long-term friend.  But too, I owe Don so much.  Just as many of you do.  

Thanks be to God for men like Mr. Don Waller.  Men who take up the mantle and use their gifting to bless other men.  

You can learn more about the 2021 National Samson Society Retreat here.  Please consider signing up today (it will fill up completely).

Desperation To Fit In & Be Loved For What You Bring To The Mix

I've never been desperate to fit in amongst my peers, and I suppose this is due to my sexuality.  Knowing as a boy that I was potentially going to be seen as a threat or liability by someone within the group - by default - I learned early on to focus my emotional longings towards intense (chronic) sexual fantasy. 

Starting within childhood, all of us boys desperately work to find value within the mix of other boys (real or imagined).  And as a result, it doesn't take us long to adjudicate where we may precisely fit in - unless there's nowhere to fit in.  This desperation to fit within the mix can be especially torrential if we don't click with dad / within dad's community.  

For example:

Let's say a boy's legal guardians are his grandparents (his father's in-laws), and their guardianship has been from the boy's birth.  As a result, much of boy's masculine persona is imprinted upon him by his (grand)father (who's in no way genetically kin to the boy's biological father).  Yet, the bio dad spends some time with his son (a couple of weekends a month), and hopes for the boy to synchronize with his modus operandi (particularly as a teenager).  But, it ain't happening.  And then from there, both the bio dad and son find both heartache and frustration as a result, and their relationship suffers.

And, of course, the (grand)father simply looks on with a grin.  For better or worse.

The boy, on the other hand, may just asks himself, "Where do I go from here?  If I don't fit in with my own biological father, where can / do I fit in?"

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I loathe team sports.  Always have.  But, I'm in the minority here, and I've always recognized this.  All that being said, I admire boys' / men's passion for team sports despite my not relating to that passion.

Team sports exist for a number of reasons, but one, in particular, is to satiate the desperation boys (& girls) experience to fit into the mix.  They're looking for that synergy that comes with working together as a team.  Parents too vicariously experience (yet again) the thrill of synchronized community whilst catering to their children's same longings, therefore it can be an amazing familial win-win.

Similarly, is the existence of youth gangs / cartels.  Again, there's that universal longing to fit into the mix.  Even if crime is involved.  This risk of criminal punishment / criminal record pales in comparison to be integrated therein.

Cults work the same way.  Bizarre beliefs are easily stomached when one's desperate.  Particularly if there's an intricate ordering (rank) involved.

And on and on.  You get my point.

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But if we look to the example that Christ left us via the gospels, we don't see this kind of behavior / longing.  Instead, all he desired was pleasing his heavenly father.  Now, he did assemble the disciples, and they followed him throughout his earthly 3-year ministry, but there's absolutely no hint that Jesus longed to fit into the mix of those dudes and therein earn love and acceptance.  Read Matthew, Mark, Luke & John and tell me if you see otherwise.

Of course, you can argue here that we're not Jesus.  Instead, we're more like those 12 disciples.  And that's a true statement, but only on the surface.  For if you look at the behavior of the disciples (the book of Acts) post-resurrection of Christ, it's markedly different than before.  As if they've been radically changed as a result of their now redirected / clarified priorities and the infusion of the Holy Spirit (which descended at Pentecost - again documented within the book of Acts).

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A handful of years into my tenure at an architecture firm here in Jackson (back in the late '90s / early '00s), I began to become less and less interested in fitting into that particular mix.  As a result of this, my tongue began to loosen considerably relative to what I was actually seeing (character / persona) of my four bossmen.  And almost all of this lollygagging was no doubt in jest, yet on one particular occasion, despite the obvious air of sarcasm, I witnessed what I'd not realized existed prior.  

The particular joke I released on this day had to do with one of my boss's physical seniority (he was 10 years older than I was) in relation to me.  And it was executed amongst a handful of my younger colleagues and my then boss back in what was dubbed the "drafting room" of this firm.  

And then something truly bizarre took place.

You must know that the "drafting room" of this particular firm held 6 built-in drafting tables which all surrounded a very large built in island (which served as our laydown space - for drawings).  My bossman, wearing dress slacks and high dollar Cole Haan shoes (his typical uniform), literally leaped - from a standstill - up onto the island moments after I released my sarcastic joke about his "seniority" over me.  To summarize, he did this in reaction to me jocularly pointing out his "old age".  

Everyone was so stunned by this bizarre reaction that we simply stood there speechless, looking up at him now standing on top of the island.  In fact, I don't even remember how he got down from there.  It was simply all so surreal.

I realized in that moment how, despite my own beginnings of relinquishment of the desire to fit into the mix, that he was nowhere near that same point.  Yet, he was 10 years my senior.  And this was incredibly eye opening to me; for he desperately wanted to still be seen as part of the mix.

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What is one reason the notion of driving fancy cars and living in fancy single family homes is elevated as it is within our culture?  And what actually drives lifestyle creep?

What is one reason professional and college sports teams are obsessed over?

What are some reasons men invest in deer camp memberships, set aside time to listen in to shock jocks, and prioritize time to watch loads of porn?

And finally, to circle back to the beginning, what is one reason some men purposefully pursue higher and higher standing up and up the corporate / institutional / government ladder (besides the pragmatics of increasing their income)?

I think it's the boy inside.  For these men, he's still very much in control.  Even though, he's long since been eclipsed by physical manhood.  Little boy demanding attention.  Little boy refusing to grow up.

And this is a fascinating truth to ruminate on.  It is astounding to me how much brain power many of us men exude relative to attempting to satiate our desperation for fitting into the mix.

The No Bull Briefing Newsletter - June / July 2021

 

THE NO BULL BRIEFING NEWSLETTER - JUNE/JULY 2021

July 5th Is Silas Appreciation Day It doesn't matter how you do it ... a phone call, lunch, a card, a beer ... just find a way to show your Silas how much you appreciate him! And the Meme Competition Winner Is ... David Maxam! More Information and Registration HERE The Samson Daily Devotional is currently in Genesis. You can subscribe for the daily email, or listen to it on Amazon Alexa (Echo or Dot) by adding "Samson Daily Devotion" to your flash briefing, or on Stitcher, and iTunes podcasts. IMPORTANT: HELP US REACH MORE OF OUR OWN MEN Many of the men in Samson Society in-person meetings are NOT in our database as members. Sadly, that means they are not getting the No Bull Briefing - we're missing them, and they're missing out. Ask the men in your group if they are getting the No Bull Briefing Newsletter. If they are not, go to the "My Groups" tab on the Samson Society website, if you are the administrator you can add them with name and email (you'll see a list of all registered members). If you are not, you will need to contact the administrator of your group and ask him to add them. Our best guess is there are several hundred men active in Samson Society but not yet members (only true for in-person attendees). Let's help them get on board and get up to speed! Hey! We don't badger you, but we DO need your support ... Samson Society does not have dues or fees, but we DO have expenses. We currently reach men in over 50 countries and we are stretched thin financially. If you can make a generous one-time or, better yet, monthly contribution, that will help us continue to do what we do so well ... "rescue families by helping men live in the freedom of authenticity."  You can make your contribution to the mission of Samson Society through Samson House HERE. Thank you! Or set up a monthly contribution via text-to-give (719) 722-3545‬. Thank you!

SUPPORT@SAMSONSOCIETY.COM WWW.SAMSONSOCIETY.COM

Recommended Viewing (Especially If You're A Culture Junky)

A Lovely Poem (From A Samson Friend)

At the basis of humanity

The need to feel, the need to love

Awakening of the senses inside
The closest to communion with God above

We come into this world at first
So refreshingly simple and unblemished
The world takes away and scolds us
The purity of trust becomes slowly diminished

The dichotomy of life and relationships
We are attracted to things beautiful and unique
But these defining traits, attractive to some
Are most often the targets of harsh critique

There are many that try to help our lives
By pruning and scolding, trying to do good
The constant pounding of good intentions
Make us long to feel understood

The winner of the rat race is in the end still a rat
A contest of sinners and failures needing grace
The mercy bestowed by the ultimate sacrifice
Is the only thing freeing us from keeping pace

Lord in the depth of the thick drudgery of life
Grant me a precious few who will speak truth to my soul
And God please give me the strength to die to self
And the kindness to feed others the love that makes us whole