Monday, December 16, 2019
Sunday, December 15, 2019
The Journey To Recovery (Authored by my old friend, Chris Inman)
All of us, at one time or another, entered into this journey we call recovery. We arrived at different times in our lives and under different circumstances, but we are here. But what does the recovery journey look like?
Thankfully we have the musings of Nate, Aaron and others on the Pirate Monk Podcast to help us consider how we can struggle well as we seek healing in our behavior and our hearts. But for those who are just getting started,
or have lost their way along the journey, here are a few ideas about how to structure our lives as as we seek to recover from the brokenness of the past:
Community - The first place I found a safe and accepting group of men was during a men’s retreat in April 2012. I grew up the church and learned well how to play the religious game. On the outside I was a saint, but in my soul,
I was ashamed of my sin. There was no safe place to take this shame, until my experience with male community. The freedom that I found there to be myself, without fear of shame or rejection, was exhilarating. (I hope all of you have had that experience.) After
that retreat I thought I was healed — but that was just a feeling. What I missed in that first experience that I have since learned is that connection is not only the place we get well, but the place we stay well. I am responsible for my own life, but I cannot
live as God intended alone. I need the fellowship of others help me own my journey. That is why many find the community at weekly Samson meetings so helpful.
Vulnerability - Growing up in a broken home, I was desperate for people to see me. I would do or say almost anything to get the approval of others. (That included lying to make my life look more significant — a habit I took
into adulthood at great cost.) And while I longed to be known, I was never truly vulnerable. Would I overshare? Yes. Was I needy? Of course. But the truth was that while I longed for others to know me, I did not know myself. My efforts to be seen were a coping
mechanism for a deeper wound. I wanted to be loved, just for who I was. It was not until I learned the value of being vulnerable in a safe place that I truly experienced love. As I share my broken parts, sometimes in detail, with another man who empathizes
with me and reflects God’s love back to me, a little part of that lonely boy is healed. This happens over and over again as I sit with men on the recovery journey. And the more vulnerable I am, the more strength I have to walk the path. Jesus said that, not
me.
Structure - I love to fly by the seat of pants. Things just seem more fun that way. I know there are many who are terrified by that idea. But that’s how I roll. And that’s also how I struggle. Without structure in my life, I
am prone to rationalizing my behavior, falling into destructive habits and overall wasting my time. I thought that getting a fulfilling job, or getting married, would give me the structure I needed stop my porn problem. I was wrong. Not that responsibilities
and relationships aren’t helpful in some way. But they are only helpful after I learn to establish healthy structures in my personal life. Nate shared recently about the structures his sponsor encouraged him to begin as he sought to walk his recovery
journey. Keep a hour-by-hour schedule, vigorous exercise, self reflection through journaling, the daily phone call to a Silas, were all healthy habits he began when he got serious about recovery. I know in my efforts to ‘fix myself’ I never developed structures
like that in my personal life. I am finding them so helpful now, not only in recovering myself, but also in staying sober.
A final note on sobriety (a topic of discussion I hope you have had in your group) — it is impossible to maintain sobriety without recovery. Sure, you can ‘white knuckle’ your sobriety for a while, but the underlying habits
and beliefs that lead to your addictive behavior are still there. Without walking the path of recovery, the old demons that lead to your struggle will inevitably return. We need a new way of living, a way of grace and the gospel of Jesus Christ, in order to
heal. I pray you have begun to experience that in your recovery journey.
When The Unfathomable & Unnecessary Become Everyday Expectations / A Way Of Life (Give Credence To Your Heart)
Many years ago, I worked for the state of Mississippi, and at times during my tenure there, I'd interact with some of my fellow state employees within other agencies (relative to project management). On one occasion, I met a young man who'd recently mortgaged a home within a small town outside of Jackson with his girlfriend, and the interesting thing about their situation to me was their decision to forgo a residence that had any climate control. To be more specific, no central air or heat and no window A/C units. Now, if Mississippi's weather was like that of southern California, I'd understand their rationale, but it isn't at all like southern California (climate or otherwise).
My great-grandmother lived in a dogtrot house in rural Humphreys county, Mississippi 'till her death in the late '70s, but even she had a couple of window A/C units within a few rooms, despite the fact that the hand built structure had what amounted to zero insulation. Keep in mind though that she didn't hole herself up within those A/C rooms throughout the day. Instead, most days, she could be found out of doors, swinging on her front porch. Contrast this to my grandmother (one of her three daughters) who relegates herself to her tiny climate controlled home 99% of day, constantly complaining about the weather outside being either too this or too that for her liking. To me, she's like a goldfish in a fishbowl submerged within the ocean depths.
-------------------------
One of the identifiers for us as human beings is our ability to calibrate ourselves emotionally and intellectually to what we believe is most readily controllable. I don't believe we do this instinctively, instead, as a stimulate to our grey matter - which due to the information age, is constantly being piqued.
As humans, we're designed to adapt well and to reap the hardships or rewards of that adaptation, but within our current modern-day environment, it is our minds that are consistently stimulated, and in turn it tends to govern our moves to calibrate ourselves relative to this culture of technological advances time and time again.
To calibrate is to "set your watch by" or "buy into" something in terms of your lifestyle routine, establishing it as your norm within your mind, and thereby receiving in turn instant gratification relative to your super satisfying decision. Within the environment we live in, our daily routine(s) is more often than not mundane and repetitive, and this is the driver towards the brain calibrations we've culturally mated ourselves to. Huge swaths of our global economy from entertainment to food & beverage to small appliances / electronics exist because of the normalization of this monotonous existence.
So, what gives us the impression of being most readily controllable...thereby stimulating our "bored-to-tears" brains?
Have you ever observed a child or teen eschew a touchscreen controlled device like a pocket or tablet computer, instead preferring to pick up a book? Not likely.
Have you ever observed the machines at the gym collecting layers of dust compared to the free weights and benches? Never.
Have you ever witnessed theatrical productions garner more interest than film? Nope.
Machines, machines, all manner of machines!
-------------------------
I've been an automobile aficionado most of my life. I find the auto industry fascinating to track, research, and ponder on. Obviously, the basic automobile was perfected long ago, and of course our country embraced it wholeheartedly. So now, what we're faced with is an industry that's constantly looking to create a car that seems to be an extension of its specific owner relative to his / her comfort, communication, and mood / experience. And every manufacturer is heading in that direction despite their different user base and branding, though I would argue they're each becoming more and more alike with each passing year.
Subsequently, for me, cars are no longer about beauty / style. Instead, it's a race to hand seemingly more and more control over to the owner, giving him the impression that he's no longer been gifted a motorized steed but actually somehow instead been born into his own personalized mobile cocoon.
-------------------------
Have you ever watched / listened to someone tell you about their decision to forgo something that everyone else assumes is impossible to live without? Like my A/C example earlier in this piece?
The first time this happened to me was in church, and it was a guest preacher who openly criticized cable television during his preaching. And he wasn't referring to a specific television program either. Instead, he was referring to the entire cable television industry as something only imbeciles invested their time in.
Now that got my attention due to the fact that preachers are typically only concerned with one underlying thing: man's heart.
-------------------------
Growing up in the '80s (the decade of the shopping mall), I clearly remember the edification of consumerism through the experience of shopping. To be human in this era meant you were a consumer (by right!), therefore what you consumed and where you consumed it from synced up precisely with who everyone was meant to be by definition during that era - a consumer! And the same could be said for entertainment during this era which included music, film and television. Our culture during this time over produced everything (that cannot be emphasized enough), and in turn, due to the novelty shock to our systems, we bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Momentum from this era continues to reverberate today despite it being translated into seemingly endless digital means of "user experience customization" which essentially is just over-produced calibration to the nth degree.
-------------------------
We've known newlyweds who've forgone television during their first year of marriage.
I've known men who've relinquished their smartphones for dumbphones.
I've read about couples who've downsized into smaller homes in order to live cheaper.
I know of a couple who only has one automobile.
-------------------------
Adaptation works on man's heart, and this is the portion of ourselves that God is most concerned with. But, adaptation is hard to experience within a world that elevates / normalizes the notion of our having a right to brain stimulation through calibration.
Therefore, make a point going forward to upend who's / what's being catered to as you consider your whole self. Intentionally diminish hierarchically the value of your brain today by forgoing opportunities for it to be appeased (as detailed above), and in turn, give credence to your heart! Give credence to your heart! Give credence to your heart! For it's all that matters in the grand scheme of things.
My great-grandmother lived in a dogtrot house in rural Humphreys county, Mississippi 'till her death in the late '70s, but even she had a couple of window A/C units within a few rooms, despite the fact that the hand built structure had what amounted to zero insulation. Keep in mind though that she didn't hole herself up within those A/C rooms throughout the day. Instead, most days, she could be found out of doors, swinging on her front porch. Contrast this to my grandmother (one of her three daughters) who relegates herself to her tiny climate controlled home 99% of day, constantly complaining about the weather outside being either too this or too that for her liking. To me, she's like a goldfish in a fishbowl submerged within the ocean depths.
-------------------------
One of the identifiers for us as human beings is our ability to calibrate ourselves emotionally and intellectually to what we believe is most readily controllable. I don't believe we do this instinctively, instead, as a stimulate to our grey matter - which due to the information age, is constantly being piqued.
As humans, we're designed to adapt well and to reap the hardships or rewards of that adaptation, but within our current modern-day environment, it is our minds that are consistently stimulated, and in turn it tends to govern our moves to calibrate ourselves relative to this culture of technological advances time and time again.
To calibrate is to "set your watch by" or "buy into" something in terms of your lifestyle routine, establishing it as your norm within your mind, and thereby receiving in turn instant gratification relative to your super satisfying decision. Within the environment we live in, our daily routine(s) is more often than not mundane and repetitive, and this is the driver towards the brain calibrations we've culturally mated ourselves to. Huge swaths of our global economy from entertainment to food & beverage to small appliances / electronics exist because of the normalization of this monotonous existence.
So, what gives us the impression of being most readily controllable...thereby stimulating our "bored-to-tears" brains?
Have you ever observed a child or teen eschew a touchscreen controlled device like a pocket or tablet computer, instead preferring to pick up a book? Not likely.
Have you ever observed the machines at the gym collecting layers of dust compared to the free weights and benches? Never.
Have you ever witnessed theatrical productions garner more interest than film? Nope.
Machines, machines, all manner of machines!
-------------------------
I've been an automobile aficionado most of my life. I find the auto industry fascinating to track, research, and ponder on. Obviously, the basic automobile was perfected long ago, and of course our country embraced it wholeheartedly. So now, what we're faced with is an industry that's constantly looking to create a car that seems to be an extension of its specific owner relative to his / her comfort, communication, and mood / experience. And every manufacturer is heading in that direction despite their different user base and branding, though I would argue they're each becoming more and more alike with each passing year.
Subsequently, for me, cars are no longer about beauty / style. Instead, it's a race to hand seemingly more and more control over to the owner, giving him the impression that he's no longer been gifted a motorized steed but actually somehow instead been born into his own personalized mobile cocoon.
-------------------------
Have you ever watched / listened to someone tell you about their decision to forgo something that everyone else assumes is impossible to live without? Like my A/C example earlier in this piece?
The first time this happened to me was in church, and it was a guest preacher who openly criticized cable television during his preaching. And he wasn't referring to a specific television program either. Instead, he was referring to the entire cable television industry as something only imbeciles invested their time in.
Now that got my attention due to the fact that preachers are typically only concerned with one underlying thing: man's heart.
-------------------------
Growing up in the '80s (the decade of the shopping mall), I clearly remember the edification of consumerism through the experience of shopping. To be human in this era meant you were a consumer (by right!), therefore what you consumed and where you consumed it from synced up precisely with who everyone was meant to be by definition during that era - a consumer! And the same could be said for entertainment during this era which included music, film and television. Our culture during this time over produced everything (that cannot be emphasized enough), and in turn, due to the novelty shock to our systems, we bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Momentum from this era continues to reverberate today despite it being translated into seemingly endless digital means of "user experience customization" which essentially is just over-produced calibration to the nth degree.
-------------------------
We've known newlyweds who've forgone television during their first year of marriage.
I've known men who've relinquished their smartphones for dumbphones.
I've read about couples who've downsized into smaller homes in order to live cheaper.
I know of a couple who only has one automobile.
-------------------------
Adaptation works on man's heart, and this is the portion of ourselves that God is most concerned with. But, adaptation is hard to experience within a world that elevates / normalizes the notion of our having a right to brain stimulation through calibration.
Therefore, make a point going forward to upend who's / what's being catered to as you consider your whole self. Intentionally diminish hierarchically the value of your brain today by forgoing opportunities for it to be appeased (as detailed above), and in turn, give credence to your heart! Give credence to your heart! Give credence to your heart! For it's all that matters in the grand scheme of things.
Saturday, December 7, 2019
Privilege(d)
I worked at Chick-Fil-A in NorthPark Mall in high school. I applied as a 15 year old, soon after acquiring my driver's license. There were two black women, both much older than me, that had worked there for some time and everyone else was like I was, a white high school / community college student. Each of these older women typically opened the restaurant in the mornings with one other employee (for a total of three). At this time, breakfast at the Chick wasn't nearly as popular as it is today, therefore it didn't take too large of a crew to serve those ubiquitous, greasy chicken biscuits.
Keep in mind that the year was 1988.
I'd never been around blacks at all up to this point in time. My 'rents paid for me to attend a local private academy, therefore there were none there, and we lived in the suburbs far from the blacks who lived in the city of Jackson. Therefore, I have to admit that they definitely intimidated me out of disassociation despite the fact that they were very friendly.
One disclaimer here. My 'rents weren't racist. Never did I hear derogatory comments about blacks, Hispanics, Asians, etc. for which I'm very thankful, but they had lived through integration. Thusly, they were pulled out of the public schools within the Mississippi Delta as upper elementary students and relocated to the private academies that sprung up overnight as a result of the DOJ rulings.
-------------------------
As Chick-Fil-A is today, the restaurant was closed on Sunday, but I can remember on one occasion having to report to the Chick for some formal training (w/ the entire crew) on the sabbath. We each sat within the dining room for this training which consisted of the Operator passing around a freshly unboxed 3-ring binder in order for each of us to take a turn reading instructions on how to grill chicken filets (versus fry). What surprised and saddened me was what happened when the binder made its way to these older black females (who I'd come to respect a great deal and befriend). My heart sank due to the awkwardness as they stumbled through their few paragraphs that had been queued up for them to orate. And I literally mean stumble. From what I recall, neither of them had a reading aptitude that was anything above a second or third grade level. It was shocking to me as a then 16 year old white kid.
Oh, how I wished these ladies hadn't been exposed like this! What could be done to leverage this situation in their favor?
Nothing. What was done was done.
Needless to say, the restaurant Operator never put us through that exercise again. From that point forward, all training was executed via watching VHS videos, and usually during our breaks. And this was the right thing to do in order to not single anyone out.
-------------------------
A sizeable portion of who we are as human beings and how we live out our lives has to do with attitude. Attitude is essentially perspective, whether it be first or third person (or some combination of the two). If it's first person, you're like me and have such a difficult time not seeing oneself as the center of the universe, experiencing life - mostly - with zero frame of reference. On the other hand, if it's third person, there's always a point of reference (your true, unadulterated self) to consider, which I believe, can result in life lived far from the vacuum of existing solely within one's head.
Samson Society has introduced me intimately to more men than I ever dreamed I'd have the privilege to know intimately as a late 40 year old white guy. Now, I'll admit that in terms of racial diversity there's been much less available than I'd like, but relative to story, backgrounds, demographics...it's been quite rich.
I recall the very first meeting I attended in Jackson back in 2014, hearing stories that in so many ways mimicked my own, but easily within the first 6 months of my tenure within that group, I witnessed the distinct details of who each man was. Most of which in no way cross pollinated with my own, and some of which were dramatically different overall.
-------------------------
Rarely, if ever, do circumstances lend themselves for men to celebrate - literally - their weaknesses, failings, flaws. And why should there be? What good is this to any man?
The good that comes from it is the reorienting of one's perspective - from first to third. But this takes quite some time to accomplish. I've literally been involved in Samson Society for 5.5 years and only now am I beginning to see my own perspective change. That's much longer than I'd like to admit to, but it's the truth.
Our culture / world celebrates arrogance and pride, and this is built on a first person (privileged) view. This perspective sees life sans one's own self (story), and it is constantly biased towards being either highly critical / complaining or aloof and insular due to the fact that you're rarely if ever taking / utilizing your story as a point of reference. This is the perspective we're born with, which typically reaches its natural peak during adolescence as children experience all the inevitable growing pains that come with that season of their lives.
So again, I ask the same question. What good is this to any man?
For me, it's served as a proving ground to make peace with my own self, and in doing so, given me courage to look my own life in the eye and no longer be ashamed whatsoever. That's privilege, and it's one of the greatest gifts Samson Society has provided me.
How did this come about exactly?
By finding comfort and support from within a community of men, some of which I've befriended deeply and yet today have little to no consistent contact with. The comfort piece, for me, has been learning to see myself within this community as a true brother AND NOT as an anomaly. The biggest boost to me in this regard has been involving myself within the Samson community outside of Mississippi which has allowed me to meet men from around the country. And, of course, that's made possible by being involved in the annual retreat and from there, continuing to communicate with these men after the fact. That in itself has expanded my horizons, validated, and excited me more as I've sought to drop the "d" from privilege, and subsequently change my perspective / attitude from first to third.
Keep in mind that the year was 1988.
I'd never been around blacks at all up to this point in time. My 'rents paid for me to attend a local private academy, therefore there were none there, and we lived in the suburbs far from the blacks who lived in the city of Jackson. Therefore, I have to admit that they definitely intimidated me out of disassociation despite the fact that they were very friendly.
One disclaimer here. My 'rents weren't racist. Never did I hear derogatory comments about blacks, Hispanics, Asians, etc. for which I'm very thankful, but they had lived through integration. Thusly, they were pulled out of the public schools within the Mississippi Delta as upper elementary students and relocated to the private academies that sprung up overnight as a result of the DOJ rulings.
-------------------------
As Chick-Fil-A is today, the restaurant was closed on Sunday, but I can remember on one occasion having to report to the Chick for some formal training (w/ the entire crew) on the sabbath. We each sat within the dining room for this training which consisted of the Operator passing around a freshly unboxed 3-ring binder in order for each of us to take a turn reading instructions on how to grill chicken filets (versus fry). What surprised and saddened me was what happened when the binder made its way to these older black females (who I'd come to respect a great deal and befriend). My heart sank due to the awkwardness as they stumbled through their few paragraphs that had been queued up for them to orate. And I literally mean stumble. From what I recall, neither of them had a reading aptitude that was anything above a second or third grade level. It was shocking to me as a then 16 year old white kid.
Oh, how I wished these ladies hadn't been exposed like this! What could be done to leverage this situation in their favor?
Nothing. What was done was done.
Needless to say, the restaurant Operator never put us through that exercise again. From that point forward, all training was executed via watching VHS videos, and usually during our breaks. And this was the right thing to do in order to not single anyone out.
-------------------------
A sizeable portion of who we are as human beings and how we live out our lives has to do with attitude. Attitude is essentially perspective, whether it be first or third person (or some combination of the two). If it's first person, you're like me and have such a difficult time not seeing oneself as the center of the universe, experiencing life - mostly - with zero frame of reference. On the other hand, if it's third person, there's always a point of reference (your true, unadulterated self) to consider, which I believe, can result in life lived far from the vacuum of existing solely within one's head.
Samson Society has introduced me intimately to more men than I ever dreamed I'd have the privilege to know intimately as a late 40 year old white guy. Now, I'll admit that in terms of racial diversity there's been much less available than I'd like, but relative to story, backgrounds, demographics...it's been quite rich.
I recall the very first meeting I attended in Jackson back in 2014, hearing stories that in so many ways mimicked my own, but easily within the first 6 months of my tenure within that group, I witnessed the distinct details of who each man was. Most of which in no way cross pollinated with my own, and some of which were dramatically different overall.
-------------------------
Rarely, if ever, do circumstances lend themselves for men to celebrate - literally - their weaknesses, failings, flaws. And why should there be? What good is this to any man?
The good that comes from it is the reorienting of one's perspective - from first to third. But this takes quite some time to accomplish. I've literally been involved in Samson Society for 5.5 years and only now am I beginning to see my own perspective change. That's much longer than I'd like to admit to, but it's the truth.
Our culture / world celebrates arrogance and pride, and this is built on a first person (privileged) view. This perspective sees life sans one's own self (story), and it is constantly biased towards being either highly critical / complaining or aloof and insular due to the fact that you're rarely if ever taking / utilizing your story as a point of reference. This is the perspective we're born with, which typically reaches its natural peak during adolescence as children experience all the inevitable growing pains that come with that season of their lives.
So again, I ask the same question. What good is this to any man?
For me, it's served as a proving ground to make peace with my own self, and in doing so, given me courage to look my own life in the eye and no longer be ashamed whatsoever. That's privilege, and it's one of the greatest gifts Samson Society has provided me.
How did this come about exactly?
By finding comfort and support from within a community of men, some of which I've befriended deeply and yet today have little to no consistent contact with. The comfort piece, for me, has been learning to see myself within this community as a true brother AND NOT as an anomaly. The biggest boost to me in this regard has been involving myself within the Samson community outside of Mississippi which has allowed me to meet men from around the country. And, of course, that's made possible by being involved in the annual retreat and from there, continuing to communicate with these men after the fact. That in itself has expanded my horizons, validated, and excited me more as I've sought to drop the "d" from privilege, and subsequently change my perspective / attitude from first to third.
"I'm Not The Problem. You Are."
"You don't even know who I am."
To me, as a Samson Society facilitator as well as a Silas to numerous men, when you hear, either directly or indirectly, these aforementioned phrases from another Samson Society man, it's likely you're at a stalwart or about to witness platonic implosion.
We're a world built, literally, on criticism and complaints. As a culture, we are pedigreed to critique and constantly turn our attention towards everything BUT ourselves, and a huge swath of the Internet is geared towards nothing more than that.
Samson Society isn't a social club. It can become as such, but that's not what it's mission is. It's a place where men can find healing and recovery, and if that recovery requires they go beyond The Path of Samson Society (trained therapeutic counseling, for example), it needs to segue there. Otherwise, it's not following the natural progression of its mission.
But, man oh man, it's hard to find the humility to step into that paradigm. I can speak to that personally due to the breadth of professional counseling I've received over the years - from both PhDs and licensed therapists. Nevertheless, it's been worth almost every private session of the 5 counselors I've talked to over the course of my life.
-------------------------
When you spend months and months, if not years walking alongside another man within the Samson Society paradigm, for me at least, there becomes a familiarity to that man. Patterns become apparent, and from there, you either see maturation forward or cycles of inner circling. And regarding the latter, the illicit behaviors may have ceased, but the man simply isn't changing inwardly. And from there, it's obvious to me that there's more work to be done that Samson Society simply cannot help with (explicitly).
That's what catches my attention, and usually when I speak up.
Friendships, from there, either accelerate forward hand in hand or come to a screeching halt. All depending on how that Samson guy reacts.
To me, as a Samson Society facilitator as well as a Silas to numerous men, when you hear, either directly or indirectly, these aforementioned phrases from another Samson Society man, it's likely you're at a stalwart or about to witness platonic implosion.
We're a world built, literally, on criticism and complaints. As a culture, we are pedigreed to critique and constantly turn our attention towards everything BUT ourselves, and a huge swath of the Internet is geared towards nothing more than that.
Samson Society isn't a social club. It can become as such, but that's not what it's mission is. It's a place where men can find healing and recovery, and if that recovery requires they go beyond The Path of Samson Society (trained therapeutic counseling, for example), it needs to segue there. Otherwise, it's not following the natural progression of its mission.
But, man oh man, it's hard to find the humility to step into that paradigm. I can speak to that personally due to the breadth of professional counseling I've received over the years - from both PhDs and licensed therapists. Nevertheless, it's been worth almost every private session of the 5 counselors I've talked to over the course of my life.
-------------------------
When you spend months and months, if not years walking alongside another man within the Samson Society paradigm, for me at least, there becomes a familiarity to that man. Patterns become apparent, and from there, you either see maturation forward or cycles of inner circling. And regarding the latter, the illicit behaviors may have ceased, but the man simply isn't changing inwardly. And from there, it's obvious to me that there's more work to be done that Samson Society simply cannot help with (explicitly).
That's what catches my attention, and usually when I speak up.
Friendships, from there, either accelerate forward hand in hand or come to a screeching halt. All depending on how that Samson guy reacts.
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
Feeling Masculine - Part 2 - Catalyst Theories
I believe it's the sense of control-lessness or lack of control that's seeded within a boy's life which fuels the mis / ill proportioned craving for masculine confirmation well into adulthood.
Most men define themselves completely by providing (a sense of) security to their "tribe", this notion of stability and confidence, and that confidence (or lack thereof) to provide security is confirmed / maturated within young adulthood. If these men (part of the aforementioned most) happen to be Type A control freaks, this identifier to provide security is especially important to their identity as males due to their specific and highly idealized temperament.
So let's consider these men's pasts.
If you put unfortunate, unhealthy, impossibly difficult circumstances within a young man's path that serve to traumatically counter that budding definition of confidence within himself - again, to provide security relative to his "tribe" - then you have emotional issues related to this identification need that can follow him into adulthood.
At least this is my theory.
-------------------------
And honestly, I'm not so sure this issue can easily be resolved into adulthood when you're dealing with Type A men. These guys also tend to be highly dutiful (to everyone but themselves), therefore their desire to actually do their own necessary recovery work is often pitifully minute. Or, on the other hand, some of these Type A men too can be extraordinarily lazy and lackadaisical, only choosing to act (get off their ass) when it's a situational react. If that makes any sense...
Or, these Type A men can be some combination of the two - both dutiful and lazy all at the same time - just proportioned out categorically depending on their own hierarchical system ("I care deeply about this... / I care nothing for that...")
Therefore, all of the garbage (facsimiles of sexual chemistry and the resultant masculine "hits") I listed on my previous blog entry: strip clubs, telephone sex, prostitutes, Internet porn, dating sites, chat rooms, and on and on, I find...these "fixes" for these emotional issues can come "into play" due to how convenient, secretive, and of course, pleasurably naughty they all are.
And each of these facsimiles absolutely do provide masculine hits that are off the charts whilst being extraordinarily efficient. Which is what they're designed to do again and again thanks to our free enterprise system (most of these services must be purchased).
In closing, Type A men as I've described here, like all men, have a story. It's just that the important parts for them are the really, really difficult memories as well as their subsequent choices that involved a tremendous amount of sin. It's these difficult memories as well as the sinful choices that need to be investigated and clearly, thoroughly, explicitly unpacked. Otherwise, there's no understanding of the why he's broken as he is nor why exactly he's taken the stupid (stupid is a verb) path he's taken to manage his brokenness.
Man, that's a mouthful. Please know that I'm trying my best to be clear here.
Most men define themselves completely by providing (a sense of) security to their "tribe", this notion of stability and confidence, and that confidence (or lack thereof) to provide security is confirmed / maturated within young adulthood. If these men (part of the aforementioned most) happen to be Type A control freaks, this identifier to provide security is especially important to their identity as males due to their specific and highly idealized temperament.
So let's consider these men's pasts.
If you put unfortunate, unhealthy, impossibly difficult circumstances within a young man's path that serve to traumatically counter that budding definition of confidence within himself - again, to provide security relative to his "tribe" - then you have emotional issues related to this identification need that can follow him into adulthood.
At least this is my theory.
-------------------------
And honestly, I'm not so sure this issue can easily be resolved into adulthood when you're dealing with Type A men. These guys also tend to be highly dutiful (to everyone but themselves), therefore their desire to actually do their own necessary recovery work is often pitifully minute. Or, on the other hand, some of these Type A men too can be extraordinarily lazy and lackadaisical, only choosing to act (get off their ass) when it's a situational react. If that makes any sense...
Or, these Type A men can be some combination of the two - both dutiful and lazy all at the same time - just proportioned out categorically depending on their own hierarchical system ("I care deeply about this... / I care nothing for that...")
Therefore, all of the garbage (facsimiles of sexual chemistry and the resultant masculine "hits") I listed on my previous blog entry: strip clubs, telephone sex, prostitutes, Internet porn, dating sites, chat rooms, and on and on, I find...these "fixes" for these emotional issues can come "into play" due to how convenient, secretive, and of course, pleasurably naughty they all are.
And each of these facsimiles absolutely do provide masculine hits that are off the charts whilst being extraordinarily efficient. Which is what they're designed to do again and again thanks to our free enterprise system (most of these services must be purchased).
In closing, Type A men as I've described here, like all men, have a story. It's just that the important parts for them are the really, really difficult memories as well as their subsequent choices that involved a tremendous amount of sin. It's these difficult memories as well as the sinful choices that need to be investigated and clearly, thoroughly, explicitly unpacked. Otherwise, there's no understanding of the why he's broken as he is nor why exactly he's taken the stupid (stupid is a verb) path he's taken to manage his brokenness.
Man, that's a mouthful. Please know that I'm trying my best to be clear here.
Sunday, December 1, 2019
Feeling Masculine - Part 1 - Harnessing One's Hotness
Describe to many men what they desire more than anything else, from a fleshly standpoint, and the end result of those desires will very often be a masculine "hit" / spike / thrill ride, though they may not be able to articulate this. Whether they're to be found sexually attractive by another human being, execute a precision gameplay, or find themselves rolling their bank account into the seven-figure realm, any and all of these will suffice to bring on those heady, exceedingly masculine feelings for many men.
A quick disclaimer: Not every man experiences this. That's why I said most. I certainly don't. For Rob, my masculine "hit" comes through taking risks. Whether it's within my friendships or family (particularly my children), tied to what I may or may not say (& how I might say it), or what I may choose to or not to take part in (often culturally), these small risks add up to bolster my sense of masculinity.
Many men derail portions of their entire lives due to the never ending pursuit of these confidence building situational masculine feelings. Feelings that they learned early on as boys which very well do assist them in understanding themselves. And that's the entire point of these feelings. They're God-given helpers in reminding a male that he's male. And this is a good thing until it's not.
So why exactly do certain men gravitate towards this? (Fast forward to my theory which I've attempted to flesh out within Part 2).
-------------------------
The world of men is typically average to below average relative to physical attraction. Most men, once married in particular, pay little if any attention to their physical selves. But, there are a handful whom have the DNA firstly, and the resolve secondly, to take full advantage of said DNA. And of course, people take note of this, and it's been proven that these guys are far more likely to earn more money throughout their lives whilst encountering fewer obstacles along the way. You might call it the George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron effect, and it's as American as apple pie.
Our sexualized photographic culture elevates sexually attractive men, furthering the ridiculousness that strong masculine sex appeal makes for a solid (faithful), enduring (provider / security), endearing (compassionate / loving) man - boyfriend, husband.
So what if you're that guy? What if you're capable of turning heads or attracting a lot of sexual attention as you go about your everyday life? And what if you pay heed to it or take note of it once you sense someone has "taken the bait" based on how you've dressed / carried yourself at that particular moment in time?
If you're looking to exploit that masculine "hit", you're typically going to flirt in order to eek out as much of it as you can. And this is where situations tend to lead towards lives getting derailed, trust coming unraveled, lies being told, and stupid (stupid is a verb!) happening in droves.
-------------------------
For you husbands out there, hopefully you remember experiencing this aforementioned masculine kick when you were dating your wife. Oftentimes, it unfortunately leads to fornication because intercourse is the natural masculine progression of this attraction / flirting experience. But, in certain cases, just because you're a married man doesn't mean you suddenly lose your sex appeal. In fact, there are some individuals who consider others THAT MUCH MORE SEXY if they're married with children.
Guys who crave this masculine kick from arousing both women and men they encounter / relate to can at times find their looks also serving as a two-edged sword. Their wives, in particular, can trophy these men's debonair, and in the end harness their hotness (which seemingly comes naturally) against them. I believe women who choose to marry an Adonis are often blinded into thinking they're especially worthy of such manly finery, and this can in turn cause that much more consternation and outrage when his unfaithfulness is brought into the light.
This is very bad situation for all parties involved, that frankly, I have no idea how to remedy except supernaturally.
-------------------------
Now, let's talk next about the facsimile of all this sexual chemistry (& subsequent masculine "hits"): Strip clubs, telephone sex, prostitutes, Internet porn, dating sites, chat rooms, and on and on.
This is where things really get ugly relative to finding success in obtaining those masculine highs.
To be continued...
A quick disclaimer: Not every man experiences this. That's why I said most. I certainly don't. For Rob, my masculine "hit" comes through taking risks. Whether it's within my friendships or family (particularly my children), tied to what I may or may not say (& how I might say it), or what I may choose to or not to take part in (often culturally), these small risks add up to bolster my sense of masculinity.
Many men derail portions of their entire lives due to the never ending pursuit of these confidence building situational masculine feelings. Feelings that they learned early on as boys which very well do assist them in understanding themselves. And that's the entire point of these feelings. They're God-given helpers in reminding a male that he's male. And this is a good thing until it's not.
So why exactly do certain men gravitate towards this? (Fast forward to my theory which I've attempted to flesh out within Part 2).
-------------------------
The world of men is typically average to below average relative to physical attraction. Most men, once married in particular, pay little if any attention to their physical selves. But, there are a handful whom have the DNA firstly, and the resolve secondly, to take full advantage of said DNA. And of course, people take note of this, and it's been proven that these guys are far more likely to earn more money throughout their lives whilst encountering fewer obstacles along the way. You might call it the George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron effect, and it's as American as apple pie.
Our sexualized photographic culture elevates sexually attractive men, furthering the ridiculousness that strong masculine sex appeal makes for a solid (faithful), enduring (provider / security), endearing (compassionate / loving) man - boyfriend, husband.
So what if you're that guy? What if you're capable of turning heads or attracting a lot of sexual attention as you go about your everyday life? And what if you pay heed to it or take note of it once you sense someone has "taken the bait" based on how you've dressed / carried yourself at that particular moment in time?
If you're looking to exploit that masculine "hit", you're typically going to flirt in order to eek out as much of it as you can. And this is where situations tend to lead towards lives getting derailed, trust coming unraveled, lies being told, and stupid (stupid is a verb!) happening in droves.
-------------------------
For you husbands out there, hopefully you remember experiencing this aforementioned masculine kick when you were dating your wife. Oftentimes, it unfortunately leads to fornication because intercourse is the natural masculine progression of this attraction / flirting experience. But, in certain cases, just because you're a married man doesn't mean you suddenly lose your sex appeal. In fact, there are some individuals who consider others THAT MUCH MORE SEXY if they're married with children.
Guys who crave this masculine kick from arousing both women and men they encounter / relate to can at times find their looks also serving as a two-edged sword. Their wives, in particular, can trophy these men's debonair, and in the end harness their hotness (which seemingly comes naturally) against them. I believe women who choose to marry an Adonis are often blinded into thinking they're especially worthy of such manly finery, and this can in turn cause that much more consternation and outrage when his unfaithfulness is brought into the light.
This is very bad situation for all parties involved, that frankly, I have no idea how to remedy except supernaturally.
-------------------------
Now, let's talk next about the facsimile of all this sexual chemistry (& subsequent masculine "hits"): Strip clubs, telephone sex, prostitutes, Internet porn, dating sites, chat rooms, and on and on.
This is where things really get ugly relative to finding success in obtaining those masculine highs.
To be continued...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)