What If She Won’t Follow? To Men with Egalitarian Wives | Desiring God
Wednesday, March 19, 2025
Tuesday, March 18, 2025
That Hot, Sexy Runner: Reversing The Clock By 20 Years...
Spring has sprung in Mississippi.
During my drive home yesterday, 3/17 (I was within two miles of the house), I came upon a runner. And not any runner, mind you. This early to mid-30s man was at his physical peak. And shirtless to boot!
The blind (topography) intersection he was running through was decidedly dangerous for both motorists & pedestrians, considering the lack of sidewalks much less curb and gutters. Nonetheless, he was front and center of those of us behind the wheel as he sashayed his muscular, tanned frame, weaving in & out of the end-of-the-business-day traffic confidently.
I was close enough to deduce that his physique was not unlike any number of Special Forces soldiers (in spite of the 800-mile distance to Fort Bragg from Flowood, MS). Perhaps, as such, he'd very much lost his way.
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A close Coonass (I love this man) friend of mine made the recent comment that he was in a much better place today than a month ago. His thoughtful prose is always appreciated.
I have been chewing on that outlook for days now. For I find it so very insightful as to how we should consider our recovery journey: on a timeline.
If I were to turn back the clock twenty years, I'd be 32, married for 8 years with one child (toddler). I'd be floundering (very, very bored with the work) at my first career-building architecture job and deeply, deeply entrenched (numerous hours a day) in gay porn's poison (both at work and at home via the www). My physical health at this time was a non-priority in my life, and my walk with God also was on autopilot. My sweet wife, Angie, was home with Babyone and only beginning to find side hustles (executable from home) to supplement her husband's meager income. And just so you know, I had just relinquished my part-time gig as janitor at the architecture firm that I was employed at full-time. The shame I felt for having to take on this humiliating (10-month) after hours gig was still - at this time - weighing heavy on my 32-year-old self.
To sum it up, I was in an extremely vulnerable / isolated place during this time of my life. There was so much negative going on inside my head. Negative that was terribly sensitive to even the most minute incendiary catalyst.
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Now then. Let's drop my 32-year-old sorry ass self into the happenstance situation I encountered during my drive home yesterday, (3/17).
First and foremost, I would have instantaneously seen the situation for what it was to me at the time. An opportunity to exploit. High-definition mental snapshots of the shirtless stud would have ensued (as I steadied my glare), and from there, I would have had my lust fodder for the following week plus.
Simultaneously, tremendous shame regarding my desire for this man would latch onto me as if it had been all along ready and waiting within my passenger seat. These feelings would belittle and diminish me, no matter how well the hours of the day prior had unfurled. As a result, a tremendous awareness of my feeling intensely isolated would become my front and center state of mind.
Having identified an opportunity, I would then utilize my memorized photos / experience therein to cope (via heady sexual fantasy). That opportunity likely would be after my sweet wife was asleep later on that evening. The fantasies I would concoct would harken back to the very same ones from my adolescence (stitched together neatly through time). All of those involved me being platonically pursued by masculine, athletically built men under the guise of sexual attraction / lust.
And this, my friends, is voyeurism. And voyeurism is sin.
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The most noteworthy aspect of my 20-year-younger self - in regard to this spontaneous encounter - would be how specifically captivated he'd be. It would be as if he were nothing but a void or black hole. A void / black hole constantly seeking to be filled up via the attention / desire of other, only viewed from a distance, men.
This was my life back then. I managed it the best I knew how, but frankly, it was my chronic isolation that left me stuck therein.
Yet, throughout, I had no idea how not to be isolated nor what it might look like were I not. For this was and always had been my normal. Especially from the standpoint of being whipsawed in and out of my routine relative to who / whom I might encounter circumstantially.
Certain men were in complete control of Rob. And I knew of no other way to exist. It truly sucked.
Thanks be to God that I'm in a much better place today than I was twenty years ago.
Recommended Reading (Top 5)
Top 5
Sociologists discovered long ago that men are the average of their 5 closest friends; economically, academically, professionally, socially, and spiritually, you are the sum average of your 5 closest friends.
If you went home last night and pounded a 12-pack, there is a good chance 3 or 4 of your friends did as well.
If you get a divorce, there is a good chance 3 or 4 of your friends will too.
If you hit the gym daily, eat right, and live clean, I bet 3 or 4 of your friends do the same.
If you attend church every week and regularly read God's Word, chances are 3 or 4 of your friends are going and reading it with you.
Your friends affect everything. From your spiritual walk to your physical walk, your friends' matter. Think about this:
If your spouse gains weight, you have a 37% chance of gaining weight.
If your siblings gain weight, you have a 40% chance of gaining weight.
If your friends gain weight, that number jumps to almost 60%.
What your friends eat is more of an indicator of your habits than your closest family members!
We all have something we'd like to become, areas in which we want to grow... a better parent. A better student. A better employee. A more faithful Christian. What if the decision to become that person was actually a decision about the friends you chose?
It is not your dreams that determine your destiny—it is the small decisions you make every day—and one of the most important decisions is whom you choose to walk with.
The people you're hanging out with today shape the person you're becoming tomorrow.
Here is the good news: most of us are 1 or 2 friends away from being a better parent, a better spouse, a more faithful Christian.
But here is the bad news: we are all 1 or 2 friends away from being a worse parent. A worse husband. A useless Christian.
"I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better." — Plutarch
Monday, March 17, 2025
Especially Worthwhile Rewards / Henry's Red Phone
I'm reading Henry Bushkin's Johnny Carson (published in 2014). Henry details his role (essentially as Johnny's Silas / Jiminy Cricket) as Johnny's entertainment attorney for +/-15 years of his life / career. Johnny hired Henry within a period of interpersonal/ interprofessional vacuum (no one to trust) just as his second marriage was failing marvelously, and in spite of Henry's youth / inexperience, Johnny trusted him deeply from the outset (timing is everything).
It's an absolutely provocative read that I highly recommend. Johnny's life was so much better lived / professionally successful with Henry in tow. And arguably, so was Henry's though Johnny's philandering ways did eventually negatively impact him (to his own marriage's detriment).
It's important to note that Henry's memoir regarding Johnny wasn't published 'till almost a decade after the entertainer's death, and that it was truly only he who was qualified to narrate those fifteen pivotal years of Johnny's illustriously lived life.
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There's a newbie Samson brother who's attended "Transparent Training Union" (which I host Sundays at 5 PM CST) consistently for +/- one month. This dude, I also had the privilege of formally introducing Samson Society to via my Saturday morning newcomers' meeting (last month).
Yesterday, (3/16) during a short "TTU" after meeting, he sincerely asked the remaining Samson men for advice on choosing a Silas.
Sitting there watching this man take Samson Society - combined with own recovery - so seriously, was incredibly humbling to witness.
There're so many men who step into a Samson Society newcomers' meeting, tell their stories, perhaps attend one or two meetings prior to quickly drifting away. And I'm used to witnessing that and I suppose I should expect it. But it's so rewarding to see the opposite occur on occasion. For that was my story. I seemingly had no other choice than to fully commit, and I was so grateful to have been presented with that opportunity.
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What this man will find, once he does select a Silas (& I've no doubt he will eventually follow through), is there's a good chance he'll serve him with similar passion / attention as Henry Bushkin served Mr. Johnny Carson.
In closing, early on in their relationship, Johnny Carson "recommended" that Henry install a red phone in his office, and that phone was to be his private line directly to Henry / Henry's secretary (remember this is decades prior to the invention of cellphones).
I couldn't help but smile at this reference.
Saturday, March 15, 2025
Advice To Samson Newcomers
I truly enjoy hosting a newcomers' meeting on Saturday mornings. To initially hear these men's stories and how they came to take their first steps into our community is such the privilege. As such, I feel so moved to offer them specifically some advice going forward.
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My oldest daughter is in relationship crisis. And it's with her first romantic relationship. At the same time, her best friend since high school is (for all intents & purposes) getting engaged (to be married) today (they're the same age, both seniors in college).
Crisis in my daughter has bred a distinct maturation towards her faith in tandem with some unexpected reaching out to her parents for advice / solace. And just so you know, my daughter's romantic relationship crisis is forcing her to face her longstanding discounting of (me) her father's lifelong issues. Hence, it's made for an interesting twist.
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Crisis is the ideal place a Samson newcomer finds himself. In tandem with that, are usually others (spouse, girlfriend, friends, parents) the newfound Samson brother loves / cares for. My advice - embrace it and use it to motivate.
From there, attend meetings in order to learn about your brothers' stories. Listen intently. Learn / be inspired / challenged by them. Never see them as less than yourself. And absolutely never, ever see yourself as anything other than their equal (even if they choose to elevate you to some degree or another). Besides offering a listening ear, actively pray for them and the details surrounding their lives. Ultimately, get as involved in their lives as you feel will benefit both you and them in accordance with The Path. This involvement will run counter to the destructive patterns that brought you into crisis.
As quickly as possible, establish guardrails on your access to whatever it is that you're in bondage to. If it's salacious digital content, drugs / alcohol, utilize proven approaches (some of which will cost $$$ / feel isolating) to protect your crisis self from fallbacks. In kind, lean into your Samson brothers for support therein.
Let go of wanting to feel / present yourself to the world as "normal".
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Find men - all manner of men - you're platonically attracted to within Samson Society and pursue them as friends / brothers in Christ. Allow that love for them / received by them to heal your heart over time (as God works in and through them).
How exactly to see this through?
Make yourself vulnerable by divulging your feelings / needs regarding yourself and towards them specifically. Share openly about where you're at in your recovery. It will foster / encourage an exchange that may very well serve as foundational fodder for deeper and deeper friendship.
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Each of my five years of (MSU) architecture school saw my particular class saddled with designing some semblance of a museum. I have to believe that our professors simply refused to coordinate our studies semester-to-semester, year-to-year therefore museum projects were unfortunately doled out on repeat (culminating in our 4th year competition project being a new state of MS art museum sited in downtown Jackson).
As such, by the end of my five-year architecture school career, I had a tremendous amount of confidence therein with that project type (as well as a whole lotta repetitive disinterest).
2-3 years into my actual career, I was given the opportunity to design a library. And then another. And another. The process became easier as time went on as the repetition (& mastery) set in. But I never grew (as) tired of that building type. Why? Because these were actual built projects.
Eventually, most projects did grow somewhat repetitive as the process itself never changed in spite of the shift away from drawing to computer modeling (BIM).
From there, I began administrating (though no longer designing) to-be-built projects all across the state exclusively (via my position at the state of MS). And I loved this work.
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The stakes are no doubt higher when you're designing projects that will be constructed / change / add to the built environment. It's like moving from fantasy to reality via your relationships. Sound familiar?
For me, within my recovery journey, Samson Society presented an opportunity to engage in reality / with real men and their stories, but doing so within a controlled environment that's conducive to fostering brotherhood. Those men, over the past decade, are too many to count. For each is equally an asset within my journey (each representing a steppingstone, if you will).
Today, I host a newcomer meeting as somewhat an administrator, if you will, though not in the least as an overseer / direct report. For as we all know, there's none of that in Samson Society (which keeps it from playing out like a religious / recovery cult).
The journey, for me, within this ministry has some resemblance to my career as an architect. I've only begun to see that.
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In closing, engage with this community to meet your needs (serving yourself well) within your individual recovery. As such, you will find that disappointments and frustrations (& you will no doubt run headlong into these) are greatly minimized simply due to how closely you're focused on your day-to-day journey.
Friday, March 14, 2025
Thursday, March 13, 2025
Tuesday, March 11, 2025
Desperation To Be Seen
I often ask Samson brothers who're just beginning the recovery journey, "What is it that you're truly looking for whilst consuming pornographic content?"
For me, as a teen who found himself deeply entrenched in same sex attraction, it was the notion of being seen that hooked me deeper and deeper in. Of course, all manner of physical beauty (photographed / filmed beautifully) certainly tapped into my artistic eye (as described in detail within my last post), but the deep-seated void, if you will, was centered on a desperate loneliness / feeling of isolation that was well beyond typical teenage angst.
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One of my first architect bosses was genuinely interested in being seen in his own right. I don't know what exactly drove this behavior, but it manifests itself via his constant attempt to visually impress his fellow man (& too, like me, was his ever-present penchant for the beautiful - clothes, shoes, automobiles, homes). Specifically, my boss always wore the nicest clothes (shoes especially), drove the finest automobile, and lived in the poshest home (within the far upper end of his specific budget). As such, these items were upgraded quite often. To the point that every time you looked up, a new (spotlessly clean) vehicle was parked in his reserved space at the office.
I used to pity this behavior, but today, I realize how similar he and I truly were / are.
Being seen is really, really important to some, if not all men. For those chronic feelings of isolation / loneliness truly suck.
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I began to know Jesus intimately early on as a teen, but mostly this knowing came from Scripture / (excellent) preaching and a boatload of fairly homogenous Mississippi (deacon body within our church) men.
To segue from there, I also knew a boatload of pagan Mississippi men (extended family, friends' dads, neighborhood fathers, teachers) as a boy, and though there were distinct differences in persona / demographic, I had a tough time relating to any of them.
As such, becoming a man scared the hell out of me, knowing so little collectively from the representatives within my viewpoint.
As an aside, I believe most men within earshot of me (as a young man) mistook this fear for arrogance / piety which only isolated me further.
There was only one man (besides my sweet, sweet grandfather) who saw me with any real clarity. And that was my first boss at Chick-A-Fil. In so many ways, he was a surrogate dad, and what a gift to me he was! For not only did he see me unabashedly, but he lived his life in such a way that reflected his peace of mind as it pertained to being seen well himself. Chris was amazing.
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Consuming gay porn, to me, was the safest ("protecting" those around me) means for me to feel seen. It involved no other (real) men. Plus, I could "control" the relationship since it felt so very one-sided.
My desire to never harm anyone, in spite of my desperate need, kept me laser focused on this private approach.
When the Internet hit the scene though, its (porn content) voracity instantly became unmanageable (a small creek bed instantaneously became the Mississippi River).
Of course, Satan knew he was setting me up for bondage whilst inevitably taking the leap from analog to digital. All the while making me that much more vulnerable as the Internet became more and more mainstream.
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I discussed veneering within my last post. In many ways, identifying that has been my salvation. I've watched the Holy Spirit hack away (at the veneering) therein, exposing the idol for what it truly is, roots and all.
All of this is now coming together to deeply impact my understanding of my boyhood self. To resurrect him, so to speak.
In line with that is the reminder of all my past sin. Sin rooted in lust. It's daunting, for sure, but I will not allow it to trip up my progress.
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In closing...
How is it that God chose me as his child? Why would he care enough about my core needs (being seen) to bring me into Samson Society back in August of 2014?
The Christian men I've met (many of which I've closely befriended) see me and in turn, I work diligently to see them.
And they just keep coming. Thanks be to God for this ministry. It's been and continues to be how I best manage my needs.
Sunday, March 9, 2025
Marinating In The Debased / A Fantastic Interruption!
I have found, as of late, so much insight (& balloon busting emotional calibration) by listening in on pagan men's point of view / choices therein as it pertains to what they actually do with their sex organs and why. To be more specific, gay porn stars and their careers (full-time or side hustle) therein.
You might find yourself befuddled over such an investment in my time, but there's no doubt, that for me, hearing these tales - directly from the horses' mouths - rattles me to the core (in a very productive way). And this rattling effectively vaporizes the shrink-wrapped veneer that boyRob so easily / reflexively applies to smut. A veneer that I habitually use to qualify its consumption as worthwhile.
Regarding straight porn, there's tremendous exploitation of the females who model for that explicit content. That's obvious to everyone. But with gay porn, there's much less of that. Instead, what you'll find is so many of these men are simple deeply, deeply wounded psychologically (whether gay for pay or not), and as such, their tremendously destructive actions ("art" imitating life) are then put on full display (for a small fee).
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Let me return to this notion of shrink-wrapping smut. For it's been a real problem of mine for too long.
I'm an architect. Drawing / painting / sculpture are kissing cousins to designing buildings. For well-designed buildings are a 4-D solidification of space using all the same tools one might use via drawing / painting / sculpture. Therefore, composition is key (light, shadow, texture, proportion, and on and on).
And this absolutely starts with the human figure. For an artist begins his understanding of composition there.
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My wife and two of my three daughters are returning from Paris today. Having spent a few months backpacking throughout eleven countries in Europe during the summer of '94, I had no desire to accompany them on this first-time ever to Europe Spring Break trek. Europeans have a very different relationship to the human form than we Americans do, and that's - for better or worse - the result of our Puritanical roots.
Nonetheless, if you've ever had the opportunity to draw a nude model, you know that salaciousness quickly flies out the window as you're attempting to honor those few raw moments (with either charcoal, pencil, brush in hand).
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One Valentine's Day (I believe it was around 2008), I gifted my sweet wife, Angie, a coffee table photo book of male models (95% of the content was explicit) posing as blue-collar Aussie blokes. I did this in sincerity as a means to invite her into a "shared appreciation".
Boy, did that not go over well.
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Considering all of this, there're a select group of human beings (we're no doubt all image bearers) that rank far higher in physical beauty than others. And this beauty, no doubt, can certainly be celebrated whilst captured well via photography / film. Unfortunately, that's where the veneering can come into play.
So, what is a veneer? Think about your teeth. You can have a veneer applied therein to protect your chompers. It essentially seals them over invisibly allowing nothing to truly penetrate to the tooth's surface.
For some reason, I have ALWAYS done this with select gay porn (models who fall within my masculine archetype), but especially so regarding gay porn that's beautifully composed / lit, etc., taking the aforementioned Adonises into consideration. And because of that veneering, I've always been naively kept at arm's length as to who these gents truly were. And again, to reiterate, I now believe that much of this veneering became par for the course in light of my artistic background. As such, this recent fantastic aforementioned interruption / illumination is founded on the deep roots of who these people truly are, what they stand for, etc.
In essence, today, in light of the novelty of Flea Market porn sites such as Only Fans combined with podcasts featuring these homebrew / grassroots peddlers therein, the veneering is effectively being ripped off. And it's being done with such voracity that my head is reeling. For these men are contracted to no major porn studio. As such, who they are becomes readily accessible, so long as they're willing to sit down and talk. And many, many of them are an open book.
As much as I can't, in all honesty, recommend this same de-veneering approach to the "general public", if your boyself is as stubbornly blind as mine is AND you have any semblance of an artistic eye, it may be that taking steps to lift the skirt of those you've come to worship / elevate may be the very thing that removes you too from the recovery plateau that you can't seem to easily shake.
But be forewarned. Much of what you'll hear will break your heart into pieces.
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