A Simple Age Verification Law Is Blowing Up the Online Porn Industry - POLITICO
Tuesday, August 8, 2023
Why Aren't There More Mormons Involved Within Samson Society?
I think it has to do with stigma more than anything else.
What is stigma?
A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.
Mormons are high, high, high performers. As such, they're typically VERY concerned about avoiding being stigmatized.
Samson Society is a gang of merry Christian men who celebrate (have a great time doing) recovery. In so many ways, we're paradoxical due to our approach (attitude). It's as if we embrace (laugh-off) the stigma wholeheartedly, having come to understand that being stigmatized isn't at all in line with healthy recovery.
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Weekend before last, I met a new(comer) Samson guy within my go-to, virtual Samson Society meeting. During the after-meeting, he asked me to be his Silas. I replied by thanking him before requesting that he think / pray about choosing Rob for one week. He did so, and now I'm his Silas.
Firstly, I asked him for his story. I had that within 24 hours.
It wasn't long before he divulged (he recorded the majority of his story within an audio file) that he's a lifelong member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (two-year mission, BYU alum).
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The first Mormon I ever met was an associate architecture professor at Mississippi State University (the year was 1994). The attribute I recall mostly about his man was his work ethic. It was unbelievable (compared to his professor peers). The other attribute that stood out was his humility / meekness / kindness.
How I knew he was Mormon, I don't remember, but I'm assuming it was whispered around not long after classes started my fourth year. As such, I always did feel sorry for this man from the standpoint of being such the (fervent) religious anomaly within small-town Mississippi.
Nonetheless, he was just as much of a hard ass as the other professors (if not harder). He came - this close - to failing me relative to my final fourth year project due to it being "incomplete" (his words).
What I have continued to admire about this professor is he's stayed the course at MSU's School of Architecture. Year after year, he's continued to teach / lead, and I believe he's still going strong.
That's persistence within a less-than-ideal (for him) environment.
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I'm excited to be this Mormon's Silas. I've always wanted to befriend a Mormon, but have never had the opportunity. (We've never even had any Mormon missionaries come to our door.)
And now, one just approached me - out of the blue - during the Samson Society "Brain Changers" meeting. Wow. I feel immensely blessed.
Please pray for me as I walk with my new friend as his Silas. I'm looking forward. (Samson Society truly is a very big pond.)
Sunday, August 6, 2023
Saturday, August 5, 2023
Unpretentious Exposure Then Rebuke
The intensive weekend trip was to south Mississippi where we rented a cabin adjacent to the Okatoma River (for one night). After traveling down Saturday morning, we kayaked / canoed the river (during a harrowing thunderstorm) before using the late afternoon / evening for "share time" around a lovely campfire. There were only +/-10 Samson guys, therefore only a few shares bled over into Sunday morning before our departure.
I chose to kayak the river (single-man kayak) shirtless. I did this because I knew it would be personally contradictory relative to the engrained shame I was experiencing relative to my body. Essentially, I knew that de-shirting there at the "put-in" would be tough, but over the course of the +/-3-hour river trek, I'd become more comfortable. And that was definitely the case, for there were hundreds and hundreds of rednecks on the river that particular Saturday, and many of the guys were shirtless.
Too, another Samson guy (who I was serving as a Silas for) also (eventually) de-shirted. And this was to my delight due to how affirming it felt to me. Furthermore, I felt validated via his willingness to do this, and this made me truly grateful.
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My first significant "physical exposure" experience(s) were actually pre-Samson Society involvement. Back in 2011 / 2012, I acquired my first Silas (though neither he nor I were privy to that term). This man was four years my junior, and as such, we met weekly (Tuesday nights) to run, talk and pray (concretizing the absolute provocativeness / solidarity baked into relational accountability).
The running we'd accomplish shirtless (unless it was unusually chilly). And what was interesting about this was how it impacted my Silas as much as it did me. To be more specific, he found himself motivated to "get in shape" (strength training) as a result of his weekly exposure. Hence, about four months into our routine, he'd muscled up significantly.
These weekly (mostly after dark) shirtless runs went on for well over a year. As a result, I came away deeply grateful for how they validated / encouraged me as a late-30s man who'd never had such an experience.
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Post the aforementioned 2015 Samson Society intensive weekend (the following week), I decided to email my "Silee" in order to thank him / provide commentary as to why him too removing his shirt during the Okatoma River trip was so very affirming to Rob. It's important to know that this younger man was in a canoe (with the facilitator of our Samson group), and that he stayed far behind my more easily navigable kayak throughout the trek.
In response to my email, I received a phone call where he rebuked me for "assuming he was sexually attracted to me". I vividly recall panicking as he bared down via his rhetoric. For I kept seeing all of this getting back to the Samson group facilitator who might very well ask me to leave the group. Whilst attempting to hold back tears, I pleaded with him not to share my email with said facilitator or anyone else (even though it didn't even hint of impropriety). For I was too broken / weak to stand up for myself / my true intentions at this time.
It's important to note that I'd only been a part of the Jackson Metro Samson community, when this occurred, for 10-11 months, and that - again - there was only one local face-to-face group.
Too, you should know that my "Silee" was decidedly straight (he'd been a pastor who'd successfully seduced then bedded numerous parishioners before being removed from his position), and though he was a strikingly handsome guy, he was definitely not in line with my masculine archetype.
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Fast forward to 2018. By now, I was facilitating my own Samson Society group at Lakeside Pres (my home church), and young "Henry", to my delight, I had the privilege of becoming a Silas to.
It didn't take me long to discern that Henry was uber conscientious about his body. He was quite lean at the time that I came to know him but had been overweight too just a year or so prior. Due to the fact that he and his family lived less than a mile from us, we decided to take up running together not long after he nonchalantly disclosed that he'd run a marathon as a high school student.
Though we only did this a handful of times (his work schedule eventually changed + they welcomed baby two), each run was rewarding in and of itself.
But unbeknownst to me, I inadvertently touched a nerve within my young friend during one of these outings. And that had to do with wanting him too to run shirtless (which had been my default during previous runs). (His rebuke, ironically enough, came within the form of an email.)
Why was it so important to me that he choose to do the same (run shirtless)?
I certainly wasn't sexually attracted to Henry's image-bearing bod. No, that wasn't it. Essentially, I wanted to (re)experience what I'd so enjoyed from all those years prior with my first Silas.
That sense of affirming that I've only experienced via shirtless endeavors with friends. It bonded us. Unlike anything I'd ever experienced.
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One last story.
During the second Samson intensive weekend I experienced (2016), our itinerary included rafting down the Chattahoochee River during most of that Saturday. Since it was April, all of us rafters (which consisted of the majority of the Samson guys who'd chosen to attend the weekend) wore wetsuits. Upon our return to the outpost, every man made a beeline to the showers. Unfortunately, the facilities were woefully inadequate in terms of number of showers / room to change, ventilation, etc. Nonetheless, we'd all had such fun throughout our river run that this inconvenience was easily overlooked.
As I made my way into the men's changing room / showers / restroom, it didn't take long for another Samson man to put everyone on notice (altruistically) as to my presence therein. I distinctly remember brushing this off due to how energized I felt relative to the day. Nonetheless, I came away feeling unfairly singled out.
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There's truly no way to know how other Samson guys will react regarding your story. I believe that's why I consider it such a privilege to receive stories from guys whilst doing my darndest to not (over)react. For if a man's courage to reveal his story results in ostracization / scorn / mistrust - of any ilk - there's a good chance he's going to reconsider being as open / authentic down the road.
Thursday, August 3, 2023
"Truth Serum" - JR Everhart
I feel a sense that something is uniquely wrong with me. So, I’m not going to tell anyone, but I feel as if everyone knows. It feels like there’s something on my face that everyone can see, but that I’m trying so desperately to hide, because it’s rooted in shame. I never want anyone to know that dark corner of my life, therefore I become a performer that so desperately wants to be loved. That, I think, if I’m just funny enough or talented enough, cool enough, witty enough, do funny things in a crowd - that you’ll think I’m worth knowing and loving. But I don’t truly buy into this rationale because I know deep down that shame destroys my ability to accept love on any real level. As such, I’ve always felt like God was mildly disgusted with me. How could he be anything other than disgusted by me? I’m disgusted by me! So how could he love me, much less like me, within the throes of this toxic self-destruction?
That paragraph is a paraphrase from John Lynch, co-author of the book titled The Cure. Both that tome along with the film, “The Heart of Man”, I highly recommend taking a deep dive into. And that paraphrase is so true. Shame hijacks our identity and convinces us that we are truly rotten to our core. For some of us, shame entered our lives from being sexually abused as a child. For others, it came from a disapproving parent that always pointed out our failures and mistakes. And still others, they came to know shame after a long history of horrible decisions in their own lives. And as a side note, I’ve never befriended anyone who struggles with compulsive behaviors or addictions that wasn’t carrying a creepy candy coating of shame.
Even more destructive is how shame erodes our hope and replaces it with fear. Fear that your friends might find out just how deep the darkness runs inside of you. Fear that you’re going to lose everything; fear that you’re never enough, and even with all your perfectionist standards, will fall short at some point, therefore your peers will love you far less than they already do. Fear is a cancer that numbs us emotionally, stunts our emotional and psychological maturity, and forces our field of vision onto only our shortcomings and failures. We become people that are never satisfied with anything, never content, never truly connected to anything healthy. It’s a deep, dark pit that will rob you of everything if you don’t find a way to recede fear within your life.
This is easier said than done. Our world runs on fear and anxiety. Yesterday I read that the suicide rate in the US is at an all-time high. Higher than the days of the Great Depression or during the World Wars. Never have we as a society been so comfortable and catered to, but still unsatisfied with most things around us. We are bombarded with information, but as a society, statistically dumber than we’ve ever been. The illiteracy numbers relative to graduating high school seniors within the United States is absolutely staggering. We are not becoming more enlightened, but more pleasure driven and lost in a world of hyper-customizable individualism. Any sign of questioning regarding that mindset and you’ll likely be shunned (particularly if you adhere to teachings that elevate the notion of servitude, quiet living, and meekness).
“Ok JR, that’s sounds all fine and good but how do I break out of this cycle of shame?”
I’ll tell you how… it starts with healthy connection to a support group. This could be a Bible study or local Christian recovery group. Even joining a local bowling team is better than nothing. Join a book club or a baking group. Volunteer at the local homeless shelter or nursing home. Those last two things are HUGE in putting your own issues into proper perspective. Someone always has it worse-off, therefore there's an opportunity to firsthand - count your blessings. Next, find some folks you can trust and go deep with them. Uncover your secrets and clean out that closet.
I personally found the absolute greatest sense of freedom when I chose to release all of my secrets. To this day I don’t do secrets because, as I've found in the past, all they do is become foundations for strongholds within my life. Next up is exercise! Get up and get moving. There’ve been university studies that have proven that exercise can be every bit as effective in fighting depression and anxiety as any of the psychotropic drugs on the market. We are built to be active! Get up and get moving! Personally, this is the one thing I struggle with most. I never want to exercise… hell, I don’t think anyone truly wants to exercise. But the more you do it, the easier it is to continue to do and do and do again.
Finally, there are two truths that everyone needs to know in order to heal. The first is the truth about yourself. This is taking stock of all the behaviors and secrets that are standing in the way of your recovery. Counseling is huge relative to unearthing the truth about yourself. The second is understanding the truth about who God is and how he views you. Your Heavenly Father is not the overbearing parent you might have grown up with. Separating those two personas in your mind is the beginning of discovering the warm, loving and supportive father that God truly is. It's important to know too that his view of you is not one of disgust or anger. Why? His wrath and everything you ever deserved on account of your sins was poured out on Jesus while he hung on the Cross of Calvary.
In conclusion, God’s not condemning you, therefore why are you condemning yourself? One of the biggest challenges God ever asked of me was to love myself with the same grace and mercy he loves me with. This command completely blew my mind and was a game changer for me. Eventually, I began to let go of the lie that God was mad or disappointed at me every time I screwed up.
I can never escape from God's presence! If I go up to heaven, God is there; if I go down to the grave, God is there. If I ride the wings of the morning, or if I dwell by the farthest oceans. Even within those places, God's hand will guide me, and his strength will support me. I could seek to secure the darkness in order to hide myself, but even in darkness, I cannot hide from You. To You, darkness shines as bright as day. Amen.
Wednesday, August 2, 2023
"I Found Jesus In Prison..." Ethan #6
"For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so, it's those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love them completely without completely understanding."
Norman Maclean ~ A River Runs Through It
Monday, July 31, 2023
Never Renovate / Upgrade Without The Next Homeowner In Mind
Real estate typically far outlasts homeowners. Hence, it's wise to always make upgrades to one's property with the next (& the next) homeowner in mind.
My wife and I invested a boatload of time and energy last year into preparing my mother-in-law's northeast Jackson abode to be sold. One major overhaul had to do with the lighting in the +/-3,000 sf building. A major annoyance was the fact that the electrician we hired to replace all of the original fixtures had to be repeatedly called back in order to finish the job completely. Some of this had to do with us adding additional (unforeseen) scope, but too, some items simply were missed outright.
When the four-decades-old truckload(s) of junk was eventually removed and discarded from the attic, the electrician's job became somewhat easier, and as such, we made an interesting discovery.
On the rear of the house, there were three original twin-PAR lamp outdoor fixtures (floodlights) mounted to the soffit corners. No matter how hard we tried, we could not get these lights to work. Eventually though, the truth behind these darkened fixtures was unearthed (thanks to the aforementioned attic access).
My father-in-law, at some point in the past, had hired someone to cut the Romex (splayed haphazardly across the top of the ceiling joists) that was circuited to all three of these outdoor fixtures. And it wasn't snipped in just one spot either. Hence, no matter how many times you flipped the light switches, none of them would illuminate.
Why did he hire someone to do this? Efficiency and speed in solving a ramification tied to a much larger (& more complicated) problem.
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If Nate Larkin, the founder of Samson Society, has any similarities to my deceased father-in-law, it's his path-of-least-resistance approach to growing / making accessible to the masses this amazing community of Christian men. And that's not because Nate's lazy. Not at all. Instead, for Nate, it was all smartly centered around efficiency and speed. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that top-down approach. But, there's come a point in time where it's no longer viable (forward-thinking).
Why?
Mr. Nate Larkin (Samson Society Founder) is in his mid-60s. Dr. Tom Moucka (Samson House Director) too is no spring chicken. Their friendship has, in many ways, embodied what it means to be within this community. As such, over time, all of us Samson Society "seasoned members" (primarily virtual) have surfaced around these two, and though we've never demanded to have a voice within the org, there was an inevitable "bursting at the seams" that was soon to occur if we weren't recognized formally.
But that has now changed (for the better).
Tuesday, (7/25/23) was the initial Samson Society virtual facilitators' meeting. It happened via Zoom, and though the topics were scant (fundraising / Silas etiquette / expectations), they were super important, nonetheless. Much discussion ensued (amongst the +/-35-40 facilitators) as a result (it lasted for well over one hour).
You could tell in Nate's delivery, throughout that meeting, that he felt some form of pseudo-guilt relative to not bringing the group facilitators together sooner. Nonetheless, it did occur, and now we're off and running. Everyone can exhale.
Middle management may get an off the cuff bad wrap, but the men of Samson, all the men of Samson, are in a way represented by their specific group's facilitator. These guys represent the future of Samson Society. It's their leadership (committees & so forth) that will carry this organization into the future. And though our involvement may somewhat complicate the process of running Samson Society, that's okay. It's a trade-off that's worth embracing for the greater good.
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My wife and I theorize that her dad had someone covertly snip the Romex wiring to those outdoor floodlights as an easy means to eliminate the neighbors' complaining about the floodlights being switched on and off crazily (incessantly during the evening).
My mother-in-law has always constantly (obsessively / nervously) fiddled with buttons / switches. For example, the lock / unluck buttons on a car keyfob, she'll click incessantly if she herself is idling (perhaps conversing with someone) near the vehicle (& as such has the keyfob in her hand). She does the same with wall switches / thermostats. Particularly if there're other folks within the room(s). She'll do this whilst habitually asking "Is there enough light in here? or Should we turn on / off the ceiling fan? or Is it just me or is it hot in here?" If you've just met her, you'd never pick up on what's really going on, yet any average intelligence person, with enough exposure to her, will recognize that something's seriously off.
The wall switches for the aforementioned outdoor floodlights, no doubt, were perfect compulsory targets relative to her obsession with fiddling with buttons / switches.
Therefore, in lieu of my father-in-law somehow convincing his wife to stop her fiddling (she was NEVER going to stop / hasn't stopped since), he simply covertly killed the circuit by having the wiring cut. Hence, she could fiddle with the wall switches all she wanted to, yet no one would be truly annoyed / motivated to ask pointed questions (particularly the neighbors) as a result.
Obviously, we had to disclose this bizarre electrical defect (we'd no remaining patience to tap into relative to having the fixtures rewired) whilst attempting to sell her house. It didn't sell any easier as a result.
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Samson Society is Mr. Nate Larkin's dream come true. But at the same time, it's now ours (this army of facilitators) too. Thanks, Nate, for letting us inside. We've the same intentions as you yourself. Your dream will be in good hands (though procedurally we'll likely not be the most efficient / speedy decisionmakers).
"Recovery Reflections" - JR Everhart
As I sat listening to guys share within a recovery meeting recently, I started to see patterns bubble to the surface of their shares. In a nutshell, the guy screws up and therefore was busted for - fill in the blank - and now he's sleeping on the floor of his own house or perhaps at a friend's house, trying to wait out the grief (D-day) period of their regretful actions. Some of the guys are truly heartbroken while others are simply frustrated due to their getting caught. Most have processed the situation and now stand waiting. Waiting for their wives to heal enough that they can go back to (some semblance of) the way things were before. I believe this to be a problematic approach for a variety of reasons.
I think some guys underestimate the effects of their toxic behavior on their wives. Because some of these men weren't emotionally attached to their error(s), it's impossible for them to comprehend how emotionally attached their wife was to them. Once that deep seated trust is broken, everything changes (for her). Secondly, it's highly unlikely it will ever go back to the way it was prior. Since he destroyed that unrelatable deep-seated trust, the best road forward is to build something new. The old way has been tossed, therefore it’s time to start over and built a new life together (if you get that chance). As as aside, within that same meeting are guys who are now divorced due to such things, and now they're unpacking the fallout and loneliness.
Another observation: The enemy is adept at crowding our vision in order for us to only focus on the 20% we don’t like about our spouse, thereby blinding us to the 80% we deeply need and desire. He’ll even convince us that she doesn’t truly care about us, therefore why should we care about being faithful?
If I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy justify his infidelities because his wife was having some sort of emotional or physical issue with intimacy, I’d be a very rich man.
We (I’m including myself in this statement) have treated women like pleasure toys for so long. As such, we have lost our ability to see them as human beings.
Let’s be honest here. Most men only marry a woman because he finally found one that does whatever he wants in bed. In his mind, he’s thinking he’ll have this perfect bedroom partner the rest of his life. Well, fast forward through a few kids, massive physical changes because of the kids, menopause, and waking up one day feeling like “all he’s ever wanted from me is between my legs…”, and your left with a woman that feels alone, unloved, and used.
But the flip side of this is that a woman will never know what’s it’s like for a man. A man who to has his hormones raging and his flesh burning with desire, only to be told, "...you need to practice some self-control." It’s every man’s battle! Self-control has never worked much for me. I’ve tried. It tends to perpetuate a horrible cycle of dysfunction. Yet on the flip side, it’s been in these older years of my life where my body has slowed down enough that my emotional needs have started to surface. That being said, I still love sexual connection, but I only truly desire it when it’s framed within a deep love borne connection. My mind will, at times, attempt to tell me I need a sexual experience MORE THAN ANYTHING, but my heart now will always win that battle due to the fact that it's demanding something deeper. In summary, it’s as if I now see the world with new eyes. New eyes that are free of the hormonal waves that always dragged me under to drown.
In conclusion, my world used to be consumed with a thought life which only focused on chasing the next sexual high. Now it’s consumed with a deep desire for connection and love. Real love, not burn white hot and then burn out a week later kind of love. And I deserve real love. I lived for years not understanding that I deserved love. I'm convinced that I’m worth the trouble it takes to fall in love with (being a bit high maintenance).
I do feel - at times - like I have so much to give and nowhere to pour out that connection into. It’s like having to use the restroom while traveling, but the next Rest Area is 50 miles away. Knowing you need to wait for that Rest Area, you find yourself tempted to pull over and just go piss in the woods where any number of things could happen to you. This walk of integrity is not for cowards. I fail constantly, but at least I’m not mucking things up as I once did. That’s progress as far as I’m concerned. I am a better person now and don’t really care if anyone else sees it. This is my journey, no one else’s. I’ll stand before God - with only Jesus - by my side, giving an account for my time on Earth. My exes won’t be there to blame, or my parents, or anything I may have spent decades blaming all my problems on. It’ll just be me and the big G, and we will have plenty to talk about. But one thing he will never be able to say to me is “depart from me, I never knew you…” God knows me and my heart, and I commune intimately with him daily. As a result, I desire to know him deeper and strive to learn as much as I can about who he really is. I’m thankful I’m not who I once was. I’m honestly proud of the hard work I’ve done. Nonetheless, with every layer of the onion I peel, it only reveals another layer of dysfunction to catalog and work through. Such is my sanctification experience.
Saturday, July 29, 2023
Friday, July 28, 2023
"I Found Jesus In Prison..." Ethan #5
"For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so, it's those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love them completely without completely understanding."
Norman Maclean ~ A River Runs Through It
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