As I sat listening to guys share within a recovery meeting recently, I started to see patterns bubble to the surface of their shares. In a nutshell, the guy screws up and therefore was busted for - fill in the blank - and now he's sleeping on the floor of his own house or perhaps at a friend's house, trying to wait out the grief (D-day) period of their regretful actions. Some of the guys are truly heartbroken while others are simply frustrated due to their getting caught. Most have processed the situation and now stand waiting. Waiting for their wives to heal enough that they can go back to (some semblance of) the way things were before. I believe this to be a problematic approach for a variety of reasons.
I think some guys underestimate the effects of their toxic behavior on their wives. Because some of these men weren't emotionally attached to their error(s), it's impossible for them to comprehend how emotionally attached their wife was to them. Once that deep seated trust is broken, everything changes (for her). Secondly, it's highly unlikely it will ever go back to the way it was prior. Since he destroyed that unrelatable deep-seated trust, the best road forward is to build something new. The old way has been tossed, therefore it’s time to start over and built a new life together (if you get that chance). As as aside, within that same meeting are guys who are now divorced due to such things, and now they're unpacking the fallout and loneliness.
Another observation: The enemy is adept at crowding our vision in order for us to only focus on the 20% we don’t like about our spouse, thereby blinding us to the 80% we deeply need and desire. He’ll even convince us that she doesn’t truly care about us, therefore why should we care about being faithful?
If I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy justify his infidelities because his wife was having some sort of emotional or physical issue with intimacy, I’d be a very rich man.
We (I’m including myself in this statement) have treated women like pleasure toys for so long. As such, we have lost our ability to see them as human beings.
Let’s be honest here. Most men only marry a woman because he finally found one that does whatever he wants in bed. In his mind, he’s thinking he’ll have this perfect bedroom partner the rest of his life. Well, fast forward through a few kids, massive physical changes because of the kids, menopause, and waking up one day feeling like “all he’s ever wanted from me is between my legs…”, and your left with a woman that feels alone, unloved, and used.
But the flip side of this is that a woman will never know what’s it’s like for a man. A man who to has his hormones raging and his flesh burning with desire, only to be told, "...you need to practice some self-control." It’s every man’s battle! Self-control has never worked much for me. I’ve tried. It tends to perpetuate a horrible cycle of dysfunction. Yet on the flip side, it’s been in these older years of my life where my body has slowed down enough that my emotional needs have started to surface. That being said, I still love sexual connection, but I only truly desire it when it’s framed within a deep love borne connection. My mind will, at times, attempt to tell me I need a sexual experience MORE THAN ANYTHING, but my heart now will always win that battle due to the fact that it's demanding something deeper. In summary, it’s as if I now see the world with new eyes. New eyes that are free of the hormonal waves that always dragged me under to drown.
In conclusion, my world used to be consumed with a thought life which only focused on chasing the next sexual high. Now it’s consumed with a deep desire for connection and love. Real love, not burn white hot and then burn out a week later kind of love. And I deserve real love. I lived for years not understanding that I deserved love. I'm convinced that I’m worth the trouble it takes to fall in love with (being a bit high maintenance).
I do feel - at times - like I have so much to give and nowhere to pour out that connection into. It’s like having to use the restroom while traveling, but the next Rest Area is 50 miles away. Knowing you need to wait for that Rest Area, you find yourself tempted to pull over and just go piss in the woods where any number of things could happen to you. This walk of integrity is not for cowards. I fail constantly, but at least I’m not mucking things up as I once did. That’s progress as far as I’m concerned. I am a better person now and don’t really care if anyone else sees it. This is my journey, no one else’s. I’ll stand before God - with only Jesus - by my side, giving an account for my time on Earth. My exes won’t be there to blame, or my parents, or anything I may have spent decades blaming all my problems on. It’ll just be me and the big G, and we will have plenty to talk about. But one thing he will never be able to say to me is “depart from me, I never knew you…” God knows me and my heart, and I commune intimately with him daily. As a result, I desire to know him deeper and strive to learn as much as I can about who he really is. I’m thankful I’m not who I once was. I’m honestly proud of the hard work I’ve done. Nonetheless, with every layer of the onion I peel, it only reveals another layer of dysfunction to catalog and work through. Such is my sanctification experience.
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