I feel a sense that something is uniquely wrong with me. So, I’m not going to tell anyone, but I feel as if everyone knows. It feels like there’s something on my face that everyone can see, but that I’m trying so desperately to hide, because it’s rooted in shame. I never want anyone to know that dark corner of my life, therefore I become a performer that so desperately wants to be loved. That, I think, if I’m just funny enough or talented enough, cool enough, witty enough, do funny things in a crowd - that you’ll think I’m worth knowing and loving. But I don’t truly buy into this rationale because I know deep down that shame destroys my ability to accept love on any real level. As such, I’ve always felt like God was mildly disgusted with me. How could he be anything other than disgusted by me? I’m disgusted by me! So how could he love me, much less like me, within the throes of this toxic self-destruction?
That paragraph is a paraphrase from John Lynch, co-author of the book titled The Cure. Both that tome along with the film, “The Heart of Man”, I highly recommend taking a deep dive into. And that paraphrase is so true. Shame hijacks our identity and convinces us that we are truly rotten to our core. For some of us, shame entered our lives from being sexually abused as a child. For others, it came from a disapproving parent that always pointed out our failures and mistakes. And still others, they came to know shame after a long history of horrible decisions in their own lives. And as a side note, I’ve never befriended anyone who struggles with compulsive behaviors or addictions that wasn’t carrying a creepy candy coating of shame.
Even more destructive is how shame erodes our hope and replaces it with fear. Fear that your friends might find out just how deep the darkness runs inside of you. Fear that you’re going to lose everything; fear that you’re never enough, and even with all your perfectionist standards, will fall short at some point, therefore your peers will love you far less than they already do. Fear is a cancer that numbs us emotionally, stunts our emotional and psychological maturity, and forces our field of vision onto only our shortcomings and failures. We become people that are never satisfied with anything, never content, never truly connected to anything healthy. It’s a deep, dark pit that will rob you of everything if you don’t find a way to recede fear within your life.
This is easier said than done. Our world runs on fear and anxiety. Yesterday I read that the suicide rate in the US is at an all-time high. Higher than the days of the Great Depression or during the World Wars. Never have we as a society been so comfortable and catered to, but still unsatisfied with most things around us. We are bombarded with information, but as a society, statistically dumber than we’ve ever been. The illiteracy numbers relative to graduating high school seniors within the United States is absolutely staggering. We are not becoming more enlightened, but more pleasure driven and lost in a world of hyper-customizable individualism. Any sign of questioning regarding that mindset and you’ll likely be shunned (particularly if you adhere to teachings that elevate the notion of servitude, quiet living, and meekness).
“Ok JR, that’s sounds all fine and good but how do I break out of this cycle of shame?”
I’ll tell you how… it starts with healthy connection to a support group. This could be a Bible study or local Christian recovery group. Even joining a local bowling team is better than nothing. Join a book club or a baking group. Volunteer at the local homeless shelter or nursing home. Those last two things are HUGE in putting your own issues into proper perspective. Someone always has it worse-off, therefore there's an opportunity to firsthand - count your blessings. Next, find some folks you can trust and go deep with them. Uncover your secrets and clean out that closet.
I personally found the absolute greatest sense of freedom when I chose to release all of my secrets. To this day I don’t do secrets because, as I've found in the past, all they do is become foundations for strongholds within my life. Next up is exercise! Get up and get moving. There’ve been university studies that have proven that exercise can be every bit as effective in fighting depression and anxiety as any of the psychotropic drugs on the market. We are built to be active! Get up and get moving! Personally, this is the one thing I struggle with most. I never want to exercise… hell, I don’t think anyone truly wants to exercise. But the more you do it, the easier it is to continue to do and do and do again.
Finally, there are two truths that everyone needs to know in order to heal. The first is the truth about yourself. This is taking stock of all the behaviors and secrets that are standing in the way of your recovery. Counseling is huge relative to unearthing the truth about yourself. The second is understanding the truth about who God is and how he views you. Your Heavenly Father is not the overbearing parent you might have grown up with. Separating those two personas in your mind is the beginning of discovering the warm, loving and supportive father that God truly is. It's important to know too that his view of you is not one of disgust or anger. Why? His wrath and everything you ever deserved on account of your sins was poured out on Jesus while he hung on the Cross of Calvary.
In conclusion, God’s not condemning you, therefore why are you condemning yourself? One of the biggest challenges God ever asked of me was to love myself with the same grace and mercy he loves me with. This command completely blew my mind and was a game changer for me. Eventually, I began to let go of the lie that God was mad or disappointed at me every time I screwed up.
I can never escape from God's presence! If I go up to heaven, God is there; if I go down to the grave, God is there. If I ride the wings of the morning, or if I dwell by the farthest oceans. Even within those places, God's hand will guide me, and his strength will support me. I could seek to secure the darkness in order to hide myself, but even in darkness, I cannot hide from You. To You, darkness shines as bright as day. Amen.
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