Recommended Reading

 Purity Means Seeing More, Not Less (thegospelcoalition.org)

My Samson Friend, The Registered Sex Offender

The virtual Samson Society meetings have opened additional platonic doors for Rob, and me choosing to walk through those has instituted more and more friendships.  As such, stories are shared, and my horizons are widened.  And this is what I need to experience in order to hopefully become more sympathetic.

Last night, I dined with a registered sex offender.  Now, this was a first for me (to my knowledge).  And Eddie was amazingly welcoming (we dined somewhat on his home turf in AR).  

So, you may be wondering how all of this came to be.

Within the "Make Thursdays Great Again" Thursday night virtual Samson Society meetings, we "share our stories" once a month.  Now, this particular virtual Samson meeting is usually +/-30 men in attendance.  Hence, Mr. Justin Schwind breaks us up into small groups, of usually no more than four guys.  Thursday, (7/7) I had the good fortune of being algorithmically assigned to Eddie's Zoom small group, and this allowed me to hear a snapshot version of his story.  From there, we connected - after the fact - via Slack which efficiently allowed us to schedule last night's rendezvous.

-------------------------

An old friend (native Jackson Metro guy) who's recently become deeply committed to Samson Society chose to take the plunge through virtual means in lieu of joining one of the five local Jackson, Mississippi groups.  

Why?

Anonymity.

He had no desire to risk rubbing shoulders, within a local Samson Society meeting, with someone who knew either him or his family - past or present.  

-------------------------

Looking back to 2014, had I had access to an as well-established virtual Samson Society as there is today, I likely would have never joined a local group.  Now, keep in mind that both culturally and technologically, there's been a massive paradigm shift towards the virtual over the past three years.  This shift grew out of COVID-19.  No one could have ever imagined said shift prior to the pandemic.  But it happened.  And it changed everything.

I can remember attending the 2020 National Samson Society retreat in Eva, TN.  The vast majority of the speakers cancelled at the last minute in an attempt to protect (the few) attendees from suspect COVID-19 exposure.  I remember emailing Mr. Nate Larkin from my assigned bunkhouse, bemoaning his absence as well.  To me, it was simply unthinkable having a National Samson Society retreat without Nate present.

But this was our turning point.  For the virtual meetings had already been established well before the pandemic.  The groundwork had been laid.  The precedent set.

Hence, post pandemic, the virtual Samson Society community has skyrocketed.  

-------------------------

If you're interested in truly getting your feet wet via Samson Society, consider joining a virtual meeting.  You don't necessarily have to jettison your commitment to a local Jackson, Mississippi Samson meeting.  Instead, use the virtual meeting as a complement.  You'll have zero regrets.  Plus, more and more guys will benefit from knowing you and your story & vice versa.  And this is where the magic truly happens.  

"What Are You Doing?"

Angie walked in on me masturbating a few evenings ago.  I was in my usual spot in our bathroom, seated in front of the full-length mirror which is affixed to the rear of our toilet room door.  I'd gotten out of bed quietly before slipping into the bathroom, stripped down (I only wear skivvies to bed), lit a candle and gone to work.  

"What are you doing?"  

For the past 26-years of our marriage, this has been her knee-jerk response to every single unexpected masturbation encounter.

"I'm masturbating."

This was all I knew to say.

From there, she admitted needing to pee.  Hence, I scooted my petite chair over enough for her to get by.  She peed and then returned to bed.

Within five or so minutes, I could hear her quiet snores.  And then I returned to it.

-------------------------

For many wives, an encounter like this one (between themselves & their husbands) would have wielded a much different response.  But for Angie and I, her tepid response is rooted in how insignificant sex is for she and I as husband / wife.  And, it isn't like we're anomalous in this regard.  I believe most middle-aged couples (who've the tenure she and I do), have built their marriages on far more significant experiences than jumping up and down on top of each other, performing cunninlingus / fellatio.

Too, Angie had a stroke a few years back.  A stroke which has left her disabled.  As such, she is not the same physically as she was prior to (5/29/00).

And, I really benefit from bisecting myself (via reflection) whilst occasionally masturbating.  It helps me to offset that void.  

-------------------------

The next day she asked me what chair I was using to sit in whilst masturbating.  I told her, and she was not at all happy.  

"Keep your nasty butt out of my chair."

  

Recommended Reading

 If Your Brother Sins Against You: How to Forgive and Let Go | Desiring God

"The High Cost Of Recovery" - JR Everhart

The more I distance myself from toxic people, the more I find myself isolated.  Making new friends is tough these days, and connection is essential to sober survival.  So, I march on in faith that God will provide.  So much of my struggles come from loneliness and unmet needs of physical attention that only a woman can give.  What do you do when the Bible instructs you to take a wife to stay pure, but the dating scene is like a shark tank filled with battery acid?  Lol.  I’m not attracted to the women that seem to have things together.  As such, the women I am attracted to are so bombarded by other guys I rarely have a chance to even start a conversation with them.  It all leaves me feeling abandoned into my own struggles and failures.  It can be a dark place to be if I don’t stay connected to a support group.  And honestly, even then, it’s still about coming home to an empty house, and being left to my own devices. I don’t lose the battle all the time; in fact, I win much more than I lose.  But it’s still there, that aching for the physical touch of a woman.  I know it sounds bleak and depressing, but God is faithful, and he always provides distractions and hobbies to keep me busy.  But there are times I’m exhausted from all that.  Exhausted from the fight and all the recovery hoops I have to jump through to make it through my day or week.  But hey, it’s way better than the alternative…

I mean really, what am I going to do, return to the swingers' scene and dive into a life of empty sex with mostly strangers again?  Been there, done that.  It jacked me up pretty hard, and the pain I went through from that was way worse than anything I’ve ever dealt with in recovery. 

Ironically, I’ve run into who-used-to-be my favorite swinger female, twice in the last two weeks.  It still triggers the daylights out of me.  My dumb ass had fallen in love with her, and that’s the unpardonable sin inside the swingers' scene.  I can’t look at her without a flood of memories coming back, and it jacks me up for at least 24-48hrs.  But I let the tape play in my mind, and remember all the hell I went through when I walked away from all that.  It was not pretty; I had a complete nervous breakdown and was almost hospitalized.  I struggled with panic attacks and anxiety for years after all that.  Even years into my recovery journey.  But my inner child is still very hurt over our breakup.  She was married with kids, and I was just her favorite lay, so it was what it was.  But even with all that said, I’ll take my recovery lumps and bruises over fake connection and smiles masking the broken-leper-inside-of-that-shell of a woman any day.  So, I just keep on trucking - in faith - that God's going to make everything alright.  Anything’s better than bondage to all that addiction junk.  One step at a time; one day at a time.  And push through the tough times, knowing tomorrow is a new day, with fresh perspective and more of God's grace.  Anything less is a plate full of old failure and depression. 

This walk is not for sissies!  There are times I feel like I’m not going to make it, and then other times I feel like all I do is win.  It’s such a rollercoaster, but hey, that’s the human experience.  The enemy keeps trying to convince us we’re not enough, and Jesus is trying to convince us to trust that he’s enough for whatever life throws at us.  It’s a constant tug of war.  It’s Romans 7 & 8 all over again. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever grow beyond those two chapters of the Bible.  But I can look at my life and see progress, so that’s hopeful.  But it always seems to lead back to my first fruits.  Pain is always just under the surface, ready to bubble up at the least little sign of emotion.  I was listening to a podcast the other day about non-sexual physical touch, and I cried for 30 minutes.  A man’s need for female connection is real, and when it’s not part of your life, only Jesus can help you through that valley of dry bones.  But I’m not hopeless; I’m just walking through that season of uncomfortable growth before my next blessing.  This will not last forever; no matter how much the enemy tries to tell me it will.  But, I’m learning to trust in God on a level I’ve never experienced.  So that is part of the process.  So, forward I march, one step at a time, one day at a time.

Honoring The Mother Ship's (First Baptist Church Jackson) Cherished '70s / '80s' Pastor - Dr. Frank Pollard - 3/26/78 transcript

"Will You Be My BFF If I Suck Your Dick / Sodomize You?"

The Internet - URLs, apps for pocket computers - gives us exceptionally easy opportunity to splinter into tribes.  And these tribes can be built around all manner of mutually agreed upon tropes, but in the end, their purpose is to provide men with relational respect and women with relational security.  Those are the baseline needs being carried out therein.

When apps for smartphones, in particular, came on the scene, the most popular ones skyrocketed to the top relative to "tribalism indoctrination" efficiency.  Hence, hookup apps made the top ten list almost overnight.

All in all, the keyword here is efficiency.  This is why / how software programmers made oodles of $$$ so quickly (selling subscriptions / ads to support their hookup apps' services).

Garnering a friendship takes a boatload of time / effort, and there's absolutely zero guarantee relative to a return on your time / effort (emotional investment).  Hence, most adults are wary to even make the effort.  But, hookup apps changed all of that (for many, many consumers).

And here's how I came to understand that whilst also managing to come to terms with just how baseline depraved, we truly are as a people.

-------------------------

Mr. Nate Larkin is the founder / spokesperson for the Samson Society.  As such, he's often on the road, taking his testimony / outlook regarding our community to those who've never heard.  As far as I know, he mostly speaks to churches, asking them for an audience over a period of two consecutive days.  Oftentimes, that second day is where he'll organize some "trial run" Samson meetings in the church basement with said parishioners.

I received an email from Nate many years ago about a man who'd approached him after his stock church speech.  Nate has known of my sexuality for some time, and he wanted to know if he might triangulate me with this man due to what he revealed to him there at the front of the alter.  I had no problem with that.  Hence, I waited for my new friend's communique, but received not a peep.  Finally, I pinged Nate regarding the silence, and from there, Nate's follow-up served to open the spigot.

Whilst looking back, I can tell you that this man was angry.  Angrier than any man I've ever had the privilege to know.  Much of that anger was laser focused towards the opposition (political).  He constantly devoured political rhetoric, allowing it to stoke the flames of his rage.  As such, this anger was what fueled his life.

This man was very intelligent and extremely motivated.  He was a successful business owner and bodybuilder.  Plus, he owned / singlehandedly managed real estate in multiple states.  Physically, he had such the stature compared to his diminutive wife.  That coupled with his million-watt smile did wonders to attract suitor after suitor on - of all things - Grindr.  

-------------------------

His response to me as to why he'd hooked up with close to (100) men anonymously (over a period of +/-10 years) came down to his desire to foster friendships.  Plain & simple.  Friendships that were reliable as this man traveled (for work) to repeat destinations.  In his words, he was seeking friendship that was built on shared interests, and for him, those consisted of drinking, watching sports and - on occasion - having gay sex.

No doubt, all of these suitors (& potential friends) were drawn to my new friend's Grindr profile due to his impressive physique / handsome mug.  Again, plain & simple.  It was the "bait" - so to speak - that he hoped would serve to initiate a longstanding, reliable friendship(s).

But it didn't work.  And though he knew the sex was sin, he couldn't understand why his long-game approach didn't reap the results he'd longed for.

------------------------- 

If you're anything like me, all of this seems preposterous.  But this is our reality ever since these malevolent apps came on the scene.  And this is happening every day.  Sex has become so cheap that we truly have become like dogs in heat (glued to our pocket computers like a dog licks his butthole).

One last note regarding my friend.  As you can imagine, throughout this promiscuous season, he constantly lived in fear of becoming HIV positive, therefore he was vigilant about being tested for the virus.  At the same time, he was no doubt putting his naive wife at risk too each time they had intercourse.  But he had no issue with that.  Them "friendships" took precedent.

In the end, he essentially saw this period of his life as a relational side hustle that he deeply regretted involving himself in.  As stated, it grew out of his need for connection, but it was the perceived efficiency that promised him an understandable, by-the-book plan for success.  An efficiency which was hinged on his ability to exploit newfound tech to his advantage which resulted in him forlornly "cutting the crap" in an attempt to expedite connections he could rely on.  

-------------------------

Generosity is the key to winning friends.  Plus, since generosity is ultimately Christ-serving, even if you're unsuccessful in the platonic realm, your obedience (to Christ) stands.

Here's a favorite definition of generosity:  largeness or fullness; amplitude

I love that word amplitude.  It implies casting a wide net.  Spreading generosity liberally on ALL FREQUENCIES.  

I love seeing wonderful films in theaters with exceptionally capable sound systems.  I've even had the good fortune of seeing one film in a Dolby Atmos theater.  There's something amazing about hearing everything on all frequencies (8 to 64 channels!), all around you, as you're watching the lovely big screen.  

Last night, we had a young couple and their baby (who're three members of Lakeside Pres) over for dinner.  It was a lovely time, but especially so from the standpoint of how intentionally the young man took an interest in our (my) garden.  He and I spent a better part of twenty minutes out there, throughout the evening, dialoguing about its origin, various species of native plants, etc.  With he and I both coming from Mississippi country "stock", there was an immediate shared appreciation for our pedigreed green thumbs, and what joy they have / could bring to us and our clan.

Early this morning (insomnia), I looked back into iMessage on my pocket computer and was surprised to find that it was almost exactly three years ago that this young man and I had our one-and-only lunch together.    

A day or so prior to that 2019 rendezvous, I'd emailed him my testimony (warts & all).  As a result, the lunch itself was awkward.  I could tell that he'd not at all appreciated by candor relative to my story.  And this was because he had mistakenly assumed I was fit to become a potential "mentor" (his words) of his (they had recently joined Lakeside Pres).  Instead, he was now faced with a pervert queer guy who'd felt the need to tangentially overshare to the nth degree.  And this disappointed him tremendously.  For what benefit was a pervert queer guy who's into oversharing to this young fellow?

It was this young man's wife who'd introduced herself to Angie (+/-3-5) months ago at church (some sort of women's function).  Soon thereafter, Angie asked me about this young lady's husband, vaguely remembering my rendezvous from 2019.  I updated her sincerely, and not surprisingly, she walked away with a familiar grin.

Eventually, the aforementioned dinner party from last night was calendared and rescheduled.  And now, here we are.  The.  Day.  After.

Interestingly enough, the young man has even text messaged me today, thanking me for sharing some zinnia seeds (which he planted upon their return home yesterday evening).

I can tell you with no hesitancy that the three years since he and I first came together has given him time to come to terms with my transparency.  And that relational incubation period - if you will - was no doubt put to good use by God's spirit.  For the young man I shared the evening with last night was far more mature than the one I engaged with three years prior.  

And that makes my willingness to be generous with myself worth it all the more.  For this dude now understands fully how both important it is to me and how it actually can be that we co-exist on the same platonic plane as broken, imperfect men.  

And thankfully, there's no blow jobs or buttfucking called for.        

Be generous.  Expect nothing in return.  Be patient and mindful of your Christian witness.  Have faith that God will return to you - exponentially - what you've been willing to give indiscriminately and altruistically.  From there, sit back and remain hopeful.

Recommended Reading

When God Took Away: His Goodness in My Grief | Desiring God

Wrestling Away Control / Rob Can't Be Trusted

I obtained a new desktop PC at work, and taking into consideration how well things are going as of late - in general - I'm prone to celebrate by consuming some gay Internet porn.

Yet, my newly appointed Covenant Eyes Ally has been informed (by me) of the arrival of this new desktop PC.  Plus, I assured him that I'd install Covenant Eyes soon thereafter (which I have).  

But, oh my goodness, how I wanted to take a half hour or so (or more) and see what might pop up if I searched for "Hairy muscle men gay porn", utilizing this zippy, brand-spanking new processor.  

Yesterday, I had one of our vehicles serviced, and regrettably, I chose to wait for the service to be completed (it took MUCH LONGER than anticipated).  After lunch, one of the young mechanics moseyed into the waiting room to refill his Yeti (I was close to being comatose on the cheap leather sofa), and I immediately became enthralled by his physical beauty.  I'd brought my Bible, and had been reading it on and off throughout my moratorium, but the text was no match for this Adonis.  All in all, it was quite a gift to have a few moments with this young man.

Hence, I could have - today - searched for "Hot mechanic gay porn" as well in order to have the Internet fully exploit (take advantage of?) my memorable encounter.  But, I chose not to, knowing all along that, thanks to Covenant Eyes, I'm not isolated / alone with my thoughts on my new desktop PC.

-------------------------

I spoke to one of my Silees at length yesterday, (7/6) morning whilst waiting on my vehicle, and he was telling me of an encounter he had with multiple beautiful women who were grocery shopping in string bikinis (with thong bottoms) where he & his wife live on the East Coast.  

This guy admires hot women as much as I do hot guys.  And thanks to the Internet, as a follow-up to his encounter, he could just as easily have searched for "Hot MILF string bikini grocery shopping", and the Internet would oblige - no questions asked.

-------------------------

Thanks be to God for Covenant Eyes.  Otherwise, I'd be screwed.  For I do not need to be consuming gay Internet porn.  Even for +/-30 minutes to "christen" my new PC.

Honoring The Mother Ship's (First Baptist Church Jackson) Cherished '70s / '80s' Pastor - Dr. Frank Pollard - 3/19/78 transcript

 

"Hard People = Hard Choices" - JR Everhart

The path of victory always runs through the town of suffering.  Growth is rarely compatible with comfort.  I get so twisted and frustrated with the challenging people in my life.  It sometimes turns me into a bull that gives everyone around me the horns.  I’m a firm believer that challenging people are great assets of growth.  But the journey mostly sucks.  Lol.  These people trigger all our dysfunctional reactions and make us think about what our true character is.  These people are the refiners-fire challenging us to align our walk with our talk.  It’s easy to stand and talk about how great a person you are until some jerk takes you for granted and treats you like your nobody, and eventually dismisses everything you're trying to do in life.  These people have no idea the mountains of suffering you’ve had to climb, or the high cliffs you’ve had to navigate to just become functional. Or how about all the loss that lays on the road behind you from all the hard lessons you’ve had to learn.  But at its core, this is testing your resilience and ability to love those that are hard to love. Newsflash!  We are hard to love at times, and Jesus still sets at our table of chaos and enjoys a conversation with us over a meal.  His love for us through all our anger, malice, frustration, and self-entitlement never ceases to amaze me. 

I struggle so hard this way.  I grew up as the 11th child of 12, and had to fight for everything in my life.  I was always dismissed and pushed to the side.  Made to feel like I was in my parents' way of happiness.  I’ve had to scratch and claw my way to where I am now, and nothing makes me want to clothesline a guy with a chainsaw more than being treated that way in my adult life.  But self-control is a fruit of the spirit…  Learning to walk the path of love and gentleness DOES NOT come natural to me.  I’m a big guy with a big personality.  But I’ve had to learn these lessons the hard way.  Again, nothing comes easy for me in my world.  I’m still scratching and clawing my way through this stuff. But after almost ten years in recovery, I think I’m starting to figure some of this out. 

What I’ve come to learn is that the people who trigger me most have a story as well.  They didn’t become the dismissive jerks they are overnight.  Most have stories just like mine - full of abuse and dysfunction.  Some grew up spoiled brats financially but had zero validation from their career-driven parents.  Once I start trying to see the world through their eyes, my reactions begin to change. It’s hard to learn to become an actor in life, instead of a reactor.  I’ve spent most of my life reacting to the world around me instead of walking out the principles of “live and let live”.  Or even learning to pick and choose the battles I’m fighting with people.  Not every hill is worth dying over.  When I learn to stop the trigger reactions, I start to mature emotionally.  People don’t jack me up as easily. I’m no expert at this, but the first step is knowledge and understanding.  It may take years to get these things operating in my life, but no matter how slow your progress forward in your journey, you're still miles ahead of everyone blind to their dysfunction and not trying.

 

So how does all this reflect into the pool of my compulsive behaviors?  Well first of all porn never says no.  It always offers validation and some sort of connection even if it is toxic.  I look at it like some of the food we eat.  Deep down we know it’s slowing killing us, but we still return to the trough like blind pigs being fattened up for the slaughter.  Porn’s no different; it promises paradise but delivers decay.  Yet some of us still return to the thought of desire regularly.  Nothing triggers me more to act out than being treated in the aforementioned manner.  I have this need to feel validated and connected, and when those things are threatened, my natural tendency is to move toward the porn trough.  For me, before recovery, that translated into physically connecting with the women I was swinging with regularly.  And if I’m being honest, when I use porn to this day, it makes me want to start texting those old connections whom I know wouldn’t say no to me sexually.  It’s a very slippery slope that I have to navigate with much fear and trembling.  So I write, or connect with healthy friends, and most of the time eat way too much food.  I don’t drink, gamble, do drugs of any kind, and can’t allow myself the toxic pleasure of casual sex, therefore I eat.  It’s my greatest struggle in my life these days.  It seems like it’s always something, and it can be exhausting.  So, my only chance at hope is through Christ, and connection with other brothers that understand the struggle. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and staying focused on my next right decision.  It’s my only hope for peace and satisfaction in life. 

Happy Independence Day!

Happy Independence Day!

Lagniappe