"The High Cost Of Recovery" - JR Everhart

The more I distance myself from toxic people, the more I find myself isolated.  Making new friends is tough these days, and connection is essential to sober survival.  So, I march on in faith that God will provide.  So much of my struggles come from loneliness and unmet needs of physical attention that only a woman can give.  What do you do when the Bible instructs you to take a wife to stay pure, but the dating scene is like a shark tank filled with battery acid?  Lol.  I’m not attracted to the women that seem to have things together.  As such, the women I am attracted to are so bombarded by other guys I rarely have a chance to even start a conversation with them.  It all leaves me feeling abandoned into my own struggles and failures.  It can be a dark place to be if I don’t stay connected to a support group.  And honestly, even then, it’s still about coming home to an empty house, and being left to my own devices. I don’t lose the battle all the time; in fact, I win much more than I lose.  But it’s still there, that aching for the physical touch of a woman.  I know it sounds bleak and depressing, but God is faithful, and he always provides distractions and hobbies to keep me busy.  But there are times I’m exhausted from all that.  Exhausted from the fight and all the recovery hoops I have to jump through to make it through my day or week.  But hey, it’s way better than the alternative…

I mean really, what am I going to do, return to the swingers' scene and dive into a life of empty sex with mostly strangers again?  Been there, done that.  It jacked me up pretty hard, and the pain I went through from that was way worse than anything I’ve ever dealt with in recovery. 

Ironically, I’ve run into who-used-to-be my favorite swinger female, twice in the last two weeks.  It still triggers the daylights out of me.  My dumb ass had fallen in love with her, and that’s the unpardonable sin inside the swingers' scene.  I can’t look at her without a flood of memories coming back, and it jacks me up for at least 24-48hrs.  But I let the tape play in my mind, and remember all the hell I went through when I walked away from all that.  It was not pretty; I had a complete nervous breakdown and was almost hospitalized.  I struggled with panic attacks and anxiety for years after all that.  Even years into my recovery journey.  But my inner child is still very hurt over our breakup.  She was married with kids, and I was just her favorite lay, so it was what it was.  But even with all that said, I’ll take my recovery lumps and bruises over fake connection and smiles masking the broken-leper-inside-of-that-shell of a woman any day.  So, I just keep on trucking - in faith - that God's going to make everything alright.  Anything’s better than bondage to all that addiction junk.  One step at a time; one day at a time.  And push through the tough times, knowing tomorrow is a new day, with fresh perspective and more of God's grace.  Anything less is a plate full of old failure and depression. 

This walk is not for sissies!  There are times I feel like I’m not going to make it, and then other times I feel like all I do is win.  It’s such a rollercoaster, but hey, that’s the human experience.  The enemy keeps trying to convince us we’re not enough, and Jesus is trying to convince us to trust that he’s enough for whatever life throws at us.  It’s a constant tug of war.  It’s Romans 7 & 8 all over again. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever grow beyond those two chapters of the Bible.  But I can look at my life and see progress, so that’s hopeful.  But it always seems to lead back to my first fruits.  Pain is always just under the surface, ready to bubble up at the least little sign of emotion.  I was listening to a podcast the other day about non-sexual physical touch, and I cried for 30 minutes.  A man’s need for female connection is real, and when it’s not part of your life, only Jesus can help you through that valley of dry bones.  But I’m not hopeless; I’m just walking through that season of uncomfortable growth before my next blessing.  This will not last forever; no matter how much the enemy tries to tell me it will.  But, I’m learning to trust in God on a level I’ve never experienced.  So that is part of the process.  So, forward I march, one step at a time, one day at a time.