There were so many positive attributes to working for the state of MS ('06-'12) as a Staff Architect, but one of my favorites was the opportunity to befriend / work with architects / engineers, that I'd never met prior, from all over the Magnolia State. And I'll say it again: All architects are very unique (before getting into specifics).
One local (Jackson Metro) architect I worked alongside on many a bond-monies funded project was +/-15 years my senior. This elder statesmanish, laid-back sole proprietor worked from home and had recently passed the finish line pertaining to rearing his two (then young adult) children (they were more or less up and out).
This man was a closed book personally. In other words, all business all the time. As such, we talked a whole lotta shop. But, because of my influential position (owner's representative), he couldn't comfortably shun my interpersonal inquisitiveness.
Therefore, I'd make calculated moves in order to query him regarding his faith, career path, upbringing. And eventually, he even warmed up to me enough to make some (religious) book recommendations (he was one of the first Reformed Christians I've ever had the privilege to meet - in person).
And I'm so glad I took these platonic risks. For this was one unique dude. And so, so very sharp.
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One of the most interesting aspects of his story had to do with his own unique relationship with his faith / the "outside world".
I vividly recall him admitting to walking into a professional partnership eyes closed (very early on in his career), only to soon realize his untimely vocational mistake. Nevertheless, he'd no easy way to walk back from this now mixed-morality marriage (his words), therefore he stayed put (in South MS, no less) 'till a clear exit path presented itself.
His children were small during this season, and his wife, the ever-subservient homemaker. Hence, he no doubt was in that 360-degrees-of-pressure-cooker stage of adulthood.
All-in-all, I quickly got the sense that they'd chosen to readily own the part of the dutifully suffering, faithfully clandestine pariahs, ever determined to survive this ordeal resolute.
As you probably already guessed, this architect was deeply religious, and prior to him packing up his young clan and moving to Hattiesburg for this shareholder role, they'd been faithful churchgoers (I'm willing to bet a dollar he was likely a young deacon / elder) within the Jackson Metro.
Now here's where his story truly becomes insightful as to his identity.
Instead of this young family becoming a member of a local "Hub City" church (immediately following their move), they chose instead to super commute to the Jackson Metro very early each subsequent Sunday morning in order to attend (their) church - as they'd done prior to relocating. From there, post morning church services, the children would nap on the church pews (after eating a packed lunch) in order to be "fully refreshed" for the evening church service / activities. When that had concluded, this architect would pack up his clan and return forlornly to Hattiesburg (90 minutes by car).
And this went on for years.
I can remember how earnest he was as he revealed this to me, and it was obvious he had no regrets therein. I was left speechless.
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Covenant Eyes has been a lifesaver for Rob. It's been my digital training pants for a decade now.
When I consume gay porn, I gravitate to a laptop / desktop PC (I don't have access to a tablet PC). On the other hand (thankfully), my pocket computer, due to its small scale, simply isn't equivalent.
Covenant Eyes, as a smartphone app, was very recently replaced by their "Victory" app, yet I haven't downloaded this successor program.
Why?
Because of what I admitted to earlier. My pocket computer is moreso an email management, Slack, weather app, telephone, text messaging device.
And I knew this day was coming. For as of yesterday, (9/28) my smartphone is unmonitored by CE due to this software phase out / upgrade.
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I'm very fortunate to be able to say that in spite of the countless hours of consuming gay porn, I've never had the urge to imitate / engage in what I was seeing. Hence, Angie (my wife) is the only individual I've been sexual with. Ever.
And even today, with Angie's disabled, broken body as my helpmeet, I still consider the notion of engaging sexually with another man as not of interest in the least. Conversely, my love for my physically broken wife continues to deepen.
What this tells me is the following (& I clearly heard this commentary last night post consuming gay porn on my now "unlocked" pocket computer): There's a huge difference in consuming porn and engaging in homosexual practices. To be a bit more granular, if I were to encounter the gay porn models who're engaging with each other sexually, I have no doubt that I'd back away heavy hearted. Not because of me finding myself between a rock and a hard place (sexual identity vs faith in Christ), but due to the abject brokenness / dead end that's there on full display.
Can I daresay that Jesus has clearly reminded (tempered?) me, as of late, that my appetite isn't for homosex between me and some hot guy(s). Not at all. And this truth has been amplified / concretized via my - now (thankfully) quite sporadic - consumption of gay porn.
And not because I've "had my fill" (believe me, I'll never have my fill of gay porn). No. Instead, it's due to the very explicit www education I've been given. One that's allowed me to come to grips with / rigorously adjudicate a practice that's now wholly celebrated / normalized throughout the entire western world.
Can I say wholeheartedly - Thanks be to God for my exposure to / struggle with gay porn?!? Not only in line with growing my faith but with growing my understanding of myself?
I'm ruminating on these interrogative sentences even as I type this.
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When our two oldest daughters were preschool / toddlers, Angie and I warmed up to the notion of homeschooling. Especially considering how smart my wife is / her love for our children. And we jumped headfirst into this even though we had access to great traditional school choices (both public and private) near our home.
As such, when our oldest daughter aged into kindergarten, Angie homeschooled her. And it went superbly.
But when we attended the homeschool co-op kindergarten graduation ceremony with our 6-year-old in tow, I was immediately struck by the air of entitlement / tremendous lack of diversity (keep in mind this was 2009). Therefore, by the end of the ceremony, I was equal parts nauseated and livid. For it simply felt way too much like a white bread Christian fringe group.
As we were walking across the parking lot upon exiting the church annex, I made it very clear that there'd be no further homeschooling going forward. From there, I asked Angie to reach out to our assigned public elementary school in order to schedule an audience with the principal (regarding 1st grade). She did so begrudgingly, but man oh man, God used that meeting to clearly demarcate the educational path forward for our girls.
Homeschooling, upon our research, looked so appealing. Noble even. But once we engaged, we quickly realized the mistake we'd made (for our particular family / identity).
(BTW, if I remember correctly, the aforementioned elder statesmen architect homeschooled their children.)
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I've taken Safari and banished it from my lower level "convenient apps" zone on my pocket computer. My hope for this week is to simply not browse - at all - on that Internet capable device.
Can I not piss in the bed sans training pants? We'll see.
Here's hoping I can hang tightly to my true identity whilst being tempted.
I'm not sure what takes longer - finding / accepting one's true identity or recovery in general. Molasses flow.
