Performance Averse (Underachiever) Friend

The only lazy friends I've ever grown really close to were ministers, and at the time (+/-10 years ago), one was in vocational dire straits (due to his laziness) in the form of "probation" (via the elders who made up the personnel committee at the church where he was employed).  And both of these men weren't at all unwilling to admit to their penchant for laziness whilst seeing it clearly for how stifling it truly was to their respective ministries.

I believe most men who choose to be ministers are wary of the wide girth relative to margin of error that comes baked into the position.  That combined with the independence.  For ministers don't make much money, and often burnout is inevitable (obviously due to the repetitive workload).  Yet, they essentially set their own schedules, and almost instantaneously obtain a measure of respect (once appointed) that can take years to earn within other vocations.  Considering all of that though, there are those ministers whose laziness does eventually do them in as poor performances / outcomes crop up over and over again.

That being said, a minister's communal measuring stick - so to speak - is really difficult to gauge, and this is due to the fact that each congregant is unique.  With a point of view that's all their own.  And this can thwart a lazy ministers' demise, but eventually, with enough bamboozlement, the end will inevitably come.

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The first thing you might find, as an outgrowth to your friendship with this man, is his resentment towards you.  

I know that's a tough reality to consider, but it's true.  

I'm assuming you've got your shit together and you care for this guy, therefore hopefully you're calling it like you see it.  

Therefore again, he may very well grow resentful.  

Yet, through all this criticism, he just may remain faithful to your friendship.  And regarding that continued commitment, I have no clue as to what specifically might propel it forward (though I will personally speculate a little farther in - speaking from personal experience).

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Underachievers need defining.

Here we go.

This is a person who's concept of himself is in no way based on measurable performance.  They're in so many ways, the exact opposite of the high-performance (overachiever) guy that I detailed within my last post.  

Underachievers are intelligent and articulate; they just don't steward / rank those values as most men do.  Instead, their intelligence / ability to articulate may just be honed in on their "giftedness" towards performance "off the cuff" with little to no prep work.  And I realize you're liking chuckling at that last sentence, but I'm serious when I write that.  I've witnessed it firsthand.  

Have you ever heard the word maverick?  A maverick is an unorthodox or independently-minded person.  Some underachievers anchor much of their lackluster behavior under the umbrella of this particular identity, and this may give them license to NOT take part in the necessary prep work that you and I might consider obligatory (to do a job / task justifiably well &/or meet the expectations of others).  

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As we did before, let's take a looksee at roots.  What might be the origin story (prequel) of underachievers?

I'm speculating here, but based on what I've observed, some emulate their same sex parent's (dad) underachieving approach to life.  Hence, when lackluster performance promulgates disappointing outcomes for these men, they might also choose to react utilizing the same (learned) approach.  I've even seen lazy guys fully voice their present day fateful circumstances as a derivative of "what they grew up seeing dad do".

Tied somewhat to this justification is the aforementioned maverick identity.  Which besides being unorthodox and independently-minded is also usually very narrowly focused.  In other words, some of these men are absolutely not multi-taskers to any degree (which, come to think of it, is the case for a lot of guys).  And as a result, distraction (of any sort) can be a huge issue / opportunity for them to waste precious, needful time for tasks / prep work.

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Rob's story is quite unorthodox, and there's no doubt I'm independently-minded.  Especially considering my personal stance regarding same-sex attraction.  And maybe this is why I was seen as such a worthwhile platonic fit for the underachievers whom came into my life.  Rob, the maverick?  Perhaps.

But, oh my goodness, how I loathed to see the missed opportunities and low bar approach within their lives!  

Observing potential that's wasted on needless, mind-numbing drivel is really hard to stomach.  Therefore, when these relationships do end, there's often a bittersweet result.  Yet, God continues to work.  Even at times supernaturally reconstructing what imploded before.

  

High Performance (Overachiever) Friend

Finding yourself befriended by a high performance-oriented man when you yourself aren't wired similarly may inevitably bring about some semblance of a relational reckoning between the two of you.  At least that's been my experience.

Partnering with a high performance-oriented man in business or even marrying one brings with it a much better chance for relational long-term success.  Why?  In both instances, security is often a nice, helpful side effect of these men - financial security, that is.  And businesses (& most marriages) thrive on steady, reliable financial security.  Plus, jettisoning a business partner / spouse involves attorneys, and attorneys charge fees.  Walking away from a friend takes little to no effort.

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A question for Rob:  What are the observed originators (their prequel) relative to my dealings with high-performance oriented men?  

One, was / is high intelligence that was / is recognized early in childhood, and the second was being an outcast - for whatever reason.  In particular, a social outcast within the childhood / young adult (collegiate) years.  As such, if the dude that I've (over simplistically) described here, also chose to keep his nose clean whilst maintaining his emotional health (to some degree) along the way, you very well may now have the makings of a high performance-oriented man who's looking to prove himself to himself (& others) over and over ad nauseum.

Now, let me stop here and make a two-part statement that needs to be strongly emphasized before moving on to the whole relational reckoning mentioned earlier within this post.

Firstly, there's nothing, absolutely nothing wrong, out of sorts or diabolical - by definition - about these guys.  In fact, many of them will go on to make significant cultural and technological advances to their respective fields and / or within their families.  Secondly, and this one's the most important:  If you find one of these men latched onto you as a friend, you've won the lottery, in many respects.  For these guys, in their purest form, are few and far between, and besides that, they're the epitome of loners.

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Now, let's talk about the reckoning piece - that may very well will come - inside one of these friendships due to the implied (here) personality disharmony between you two as friends.

High performance men measure, constantly measure their gains - personal, financial, spiritual (as they recognize it).  If they didn't, they'd have no means of proving their own value / self worth to themselves.  And this system of measurement that they utilize is considered an unquestionable failsafe for them.  At times (or maybe over time), a byproduct of this internal adjudication is a keenly deliberate hand at utilizing you - the friend - (& whomever else might be within their sphere of influence) as a reference point.  

And this is where the reckoning may perhaps come about.  For based on what I've experienced, the love of brotherhood is quite difficult to sustain within such conditions, though it can certainly can get kickstarted as such (with you either seen as an equal or demigod, though usually the latter).

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A month or so ago, I had lunch with a high-performance friend who I'm intentionally not very close to.  I've known this man (who I highly revere for his commitment to his profession) for many years, and I needed to spend a meal with him in order to deliver some pertinent news - face to face.  Towards the end of our juncture, he announced his surprise that our time together hadn't been more productive / useful (of he himself) towards me in light of my simple (to him unimportant) announcement.  Now, not all high-performance men make as bold of statements as this friend trends to, but this guy is 8 to 10 years my senior, and as such, his approach has always been more gloating bull elephant than Pee Wee Herman.

Based on what I've both observed and been told flat out, the root behind much of this modus operandi for these men is deep seated insecurity.  But you already knew that.  And as a caveat to that, most all of them vehemently disagree with the label of arrogant.  Therefore, regarding that particular label, I simply remain complicit, refusing to bring it up.

And that's where it can be so frustrating, especially if you've also wrestled with insecurity.

But, let's assume your approach instead to managing / facing it isn't an attempt to "prove it wrong" by performance.  Instead, you may simply be doing what's arguably the hardest thing.  To actually go beneath those feelings in order to execute a game plan to disrupt the habitual doubt altogether versus attempting to outrun it / prove it wrong.

Therefore, if you attempt to question your friend's high-performance approach as an impossible quest, the platonic reckoning may actually come from not only his now mistrust in your value (to him), but also his not being able to fathom moving away from an approach that's been his safety blanket throughout all his livelong days.

Let's quickly break these down before closing this out.

...mistrust in your value (to him)...  

...his not being able to fathom moving away... 

Firstly, he may very well be convinced that he's surpassed you (in value).  And this can be a hard pill for you to swallow relative to these type of relationships (especially if the high-performance guy is dramatically younger than you are).

Secondly, he may be experiencing brainlock due to his approach being so ingrained to his way of doing his life.

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In conclusion, I'd like to circle back to an earlier statement I made, and that had to do with good fortune.  Good fortune surrounding the rarity in befriending, truly befriending one of these men.  Though it may only (likely) be for a season (as are most friendships), it's well worth the price of admission to observe an individual up close and personal who's completely in bondage to superlatives.  You can learn so much of how not to do life healthily from them.  And I mean that.  That is not a smartass statement.

P.S.   A word of caution.  If your high-performance friend feels so moved to recalibrate / validate his high-performance MO due to your attempts to legitimately question either his approach or his overall competency, he may very well turn on you by driving wedges, in particular, between you and other men out of spite.  Ouch.  If you experience that unfortunate pain, remember to go light on him.  For it's he who needs prayer (& support) relative to the bondage that is his life.

Recommended Reading - The Gospel Coalition

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 Why Is Listening So Hard? | Desiring God

Recommended Reading

 The sexual counterrevolution is coming - The Spectator World

Samson Society - The No Bull Briefing Newsletter - May 2021

 

THE NO BULL BRIEFING NEWSLETTER - May 2021

Regional Retreats This Summer We have two open invitation regional retreats this summer - check 'em out! Mojito Creek in Colorado July 29 - August 1 Download Flyer Here Download Flyer Here The Deep End of the Pool ~ How Samson Society Pushed Me into Becoming By David Bunker I have never felt all that spiritual. As the son of a holiness preacher, I grew up in an environment of spiritual rectitude. As I grew older I became keenly aware of the expectations placed upon me via my father and his world. It is quite possible that this spiritual aquarium created a hypersensitivity regarding how my faith was perceived. It was clear that the expectations were unquestioned perfection and consistent virtue.  I have never felt I met up to those expectations.  And now, years later I am much more drawn towards the broken and the bruised rather than the Christian superstars. Although much of my 20’s and 30’s was spent convincing others and myself as to my own spiritual depth, it became clear a few decades later that I was indeed not that mature in my faith nor was I aware of how to even define that maturity. How could one grow up in a church, attend Christian colleges, hundreds of events, read tons of Christian literature and spend a great deal of my time in ministry situations and yet still discover deep wounds and hidden sin? Was this sin hidden due to my own personal sense of denial or was there some complicity on the part of the community in which I was attempting to live out my faith? Was I being offered a discipleship model that was unrealistic and in truth dishonest and unwittingly inauthentic? I am convinced that both my own denial and the communities’ corporate sense of denial created an environment where rhetoric and theology, knowledge, and posturing, often disempowered real authentic discipleship. Many in 12 step programs will attest to the depths of despair their lives had to reach before they began to really take an honest inventory of their true spiritual state.  In fact, many will contend that until their personal and precipitous fall from grace, they were oblivious as to their true beliefs and spiritual life.              How can men be in proximity to such spiritual sustenance and still find themselves unable to see what life is really offering? How can one claim knowledge about God and His Word and still remain oblivious to a wound or even more tragic, a major character flaw that is setting them up for a public fall that will devastate more than them personally but all those within their family and possible sphere of influence? Download to Continue Reading >>>  Don't Forget the Silas Appreciation Day Meme Competition July 5th is Silas Appreciation Day. To commemorate the day we are holding a meme competition. Submit your Silas Appreciation Meme HERE. The deadline for submittals is June 1st when we will turn over all memes to the totally unbiased firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe for the selection of the winner. The top five memes will be featured in the June No Bull Briefing and the winner will receive a coveted Samson Society T-shirt. REMINDER: HELP US REACH MORE OF OUR OWN MEN Many of the men in Samson Society in-person meetings are NOT in our database as members. Sadly, that means they are not getting the No Bull Briefing - we're missing them, and they're missing out. Ask the men in your group if they are getting the No Bull Briefing Newsletter. If they are not, go to the "My Groups" tab on the Samson Society website, if you are the administrator you can add them with name and email (you'll see a list of all registered members). If you are not, you will need to contact the administrator of your group and ask him to add them. Our best guess is there are several hundred men active in Samson Society but not yet members (only true for in-person attendees). Let's help them get on board and get up to speed! NOTE: Samson Society does not have dues or fees, but we DO have expenses. We currently reach men in over 40 countries and we are stretched thin financially. If you can make a generous one-time or, better yet, monthly contribution, that will help us continue to do what we do so well ... "rescue families by helping men live in the freedom of authenticity."  You can make your contribution to the mission of Samson Society through Samson House HERE. Thank you!

SUPPORT@SAMSONSOCIETY.COM WWW.SAMSONSOCIETY.COM

“The Way We Were: The Boys of Cracker Barrel.”

Happy Friday everyone! Stephen here. I know that it has been a minute since I have posted on this blog. Many thanks to Rob for his continual posting on the blog, and for his subtle nudging and encouragement for me to pick back up with my writing. I like to view this as a joint endeavor between he and I, but it has mostly fallen on Rob’s shoulders over the past year to produce blog content. I am extremely grateful that he has continued to be faithful in publishing content that all Samson brothers can relate to.

Sometimes life just throws you a curveball. Sometimes you set out on a path in life that is so subtle, you did not even realize it was happening. Sometimes that subtle path in life leads to a career change. My original goal in life was to work on computers. So immediately after high school, I went to a two-year college and got an associate degree in computer network administration. I did that for a little while, then I decided I wanted to go into teaching. I went back to college at a four-year university (where I met my future wife), and got my bachelor’s degree in English, and went into teaching for a while. After a few years, I went back to graduate school and pursued a master’s degree in English, and taught on the collegiate level for some time. Did I mention that somewhere in all that, I ended up in Arizona living at the Grand Canyon National Park on the south rim for two years while doing accounting for a store in the national park? When I look back at my life thus far, it almost feels like I got on a giant waterslide at the water park and just had to go wherever the slide sent me, because I was powerless to stop myself or change my trajectory once I had started my journey down the slide.

Life is funny like that sometimes. You know, growing up, I always loved books and I was a voracious reader thanks to my scholarly parents who encouraged my reading and my academic pursuits. However, working in a library (of any type) was not even on the radar as I was growing up and deciding what path I wanted to choose career-wise. About 10 years ago, I took a second, part-time job working as the night and weekend supervisor for the library on the campus where I taught. One thing led to another, and about six years ago I began to transition myself into full-time academic librarianship; the teaching portion became a secondary, as-needed adjunct basis. Giving up my dreams of teaching is not something that I wanted to do initially, but those of you who know my story know that I suffered a drastic hearing loss in my teens which continued as a gradual decline in my college years. Even though I had surgery to successfully restore some of it, it was never the same, and I was just losing more and more confidence each year being in the classroom in front of many students. So, when I had the chance to transition into a different area of academics, I jumped on it. However, I quickly hit the ceiling of where I could advance in my career with the degrees that I had, so about two years ago I was told that I had to go back to school yet again to pursue my Master of Library Information Science degree. Yes, I had a Master’s degree, but I did not have the right Master’s degree! I was told by the University that I must go back and pursue the correct master’s degree to remain in my job. Working full time, carrying almost the entire weight of my department on my shoulders (due to personnel issues), and being a full-time husband and dad while simultaneously pursuing another master’s degree was a pretty busy and hectic stretch of the road for me. But I finally graduated (with a 4.0, I might add); as of two weeks ago, I am Stephen Coleman, A.S., B.A., M.A., and M.L.I.S... Nah, I am just kidding. I am still simply just plain old Stephen: sometimes rather forgettable, broken down, messed up, Samson dude who has been redeemed by God’s grace. So anyway, that is my story and the cause of my lengthy absence from just about everything in life outside the abovementioned things. Life really is crazy sometimes. Here I am at 40 years old working at a career that was never even a thought I entertained in my 20s. But it is funny how life comes full circle. I still teach from time to time, do instruction in our library (a form of teaching), work with computers on the back end by doing programming, work with college students, and serve as the systems librarian for an academic library. What a mixed-up mess (career-wise) my life has been so far. But you know. God is good to me. I am very lucky, very blessed, and very thankful for the life that God chose for me and allowed me to fall into both professional and personally.

But I do truly enjoy writing, and I am grateful to have the chance to rejoin this blog. I look forward to continuing with my “Bridges” series next week. Next week’s entry, “The Bridge to Friendship,” is one that is very dear to me and is one that is making me very emotional as I write it. Stay tuned for that!

OK – Enough of my rambling….

One of the things that my family has enjoyed from the time that my son was a young tot, is going to eat at Cracker Barrel on Friday nights. I know what you are thinking. Cracker Barrel? Why in the world Cracker Barrel? Certainly, it is nothing fancy, nothing special, and is certainly nothing to write home about. But my little family just loves that place and cannot get enough of it. Something about going to Cracker Barrel evokes a sense of nostalgia that causes us to reminisce about our pasts, while simultaneously making new memories with our son as we bond together over a nice warm meal.

One of the things that I cannot stand to see is when I go to a restaurant and witness the parents and all their accompanying children self-absorbed in their own worlds, glued to electronic devices. I kid you not: a few months ago, I was in Cracker Barrel and we noticed a mom and dad and about four children who came in behind us. Each of the parents was glued to their phone, and each of the children had an iPad with headphones attached to their ears. As they were seated close to us, we were able to observe them throughout the meal, and those poor souls never once got off their devices or had any form of conversation even after their food was delivered. My wife and I have always had a rule in our house: no electronic devices at the table. I grew up eating dinner around the table with my family, and that is a tradition that we have continued with our son. Of course, there are some Saturday nights where we will gather around the television in the living room and watch a movie as a family while eating dinner, but during the week you better believe that we are sitting at the table (or the bar) eating together as a family and sharing stories about our respective days. The same holds true for when we go to a restaurant. Even though my son is growing up (he is seven, going on 17), we do not allow him to have any electronic devices at the table in a restaurant. He may be bored to tears, but he will engage with mom and dad and we will talk about life and what is currently going on in our lives.

I did not know until a few years ago, but there is a Cracker Barrel warehouse where all of the old vintage items are stored once they have been procured. In case you were not aware, or have never been inside of a Cracker Barrel, the walls are lined with old photographs, miscellaneous items, antique guns, deer heads, cigarette advertisements, and other neat memorabilia. Believe it or not, there is a curator whose only job is to go all over the United States visiting flea markets, estate sales, garage sales, etc. and select then purchase items for the Cracker Barrel warehouse. These items will then be used to decorate the interiors of the Cracker Barrel stores. If I had not already invested so much time and money into becoming an academic librarian, that would absolutely be my dream job! These items have been the source of many conversations for us three; we like to talk about what they were used for or what long-forgotten products the advertisements were trying to sell. In fact, at the Cracker Barrel store that we most frequently visit, there is a giant deer head hanging over the fireplace. I remember when my son was barely three or four years old, and he saw that deer head hanging over the fireplace. He asked me “daddy, why is there a deer head hanging over the fireplace?” I told him “that’s a good question son. I don’t know, but I do know that your mother would never have a deer head hanging in her house.” He said “good! That is a silly idea anyway!” Fortunately, my wife and I have similar ideas when it comes to mounting dead animals on the walls of our home. It is a no-go for either one of us. Now do not get me wrong: I love me some venison and I could eat it all day every day, but I sure do not want to see Bambi’s head hanging over my fireplace every time I sit down! I like my venison on my plate in the form of steak and gravy, not staring down at me accusingly from the wall.

Of all the things on the walls, the photographs provide us with some of the most interesting conversations. There are numerous photographs on the walls: men, women, and children. Since the Samson society is geared towards men, I am not including any photographs of children or women as illustrations in this blog, though I assure you, we have had discussions about the women just as much as the men. “Oh, she was a mean schoolteacher!” Or perhaps something along the lines of “wow, she must’ve worked in a brothel (I covered my son’s ears for that comment because I did not feel like getting into a discussion over dinner about the minute details surrounding brothels).

So, without further ado, let me introduce you to three of my new (old) Cracker Barrel friends: 

Subject 1.  - "Benji"

First, we have Benji. Whether or not that was his given name, I could not tell you. But it is the name that my son gave him. In the course of our family discussion, we all decided that Benji must’ve been about 13 to 16 in this picture and was quite the mischievous young fella. I mean, can’t you just see it? That twinkle in his sepia-tinted eyeball? You just know that he was always in trouble, pulling pranks on people and raising hell in the classroom. But we decided that he was fun-loving, and the life of the party, and an overall good guy with a good heart. Whatever happened to Benji? Who was he when he grew up? Where did he live? Did he ever get married and have children? Did he love his people well? What did he do for a living? How long did he live? I don’t know. Your guess is as good as mine.

Subject 2. - "Luther"

Next, we have Luther who is the older brother of Benji. Whether or not he was related by blood to Benji in real life, I could not tell you. But for the purpose of our discussion, we made him Benji’s older brother. Their photographs were one table apart on the wall next to each other. I am the one who had the honor of giving Luther his name. He looks like a serious, scholarly, by the books young fella. I would estimate that he was probably about late teens to mid-20s in this picture. He did a good job of keeping Benji in line, and maybe even had to bail Benji out of trouble a time or two. Luther was that solid, stable, walking the narrow path type of big brother. My wife and I speculated about whether he went to college, went to work in a respectable profession, or was in some branch of the military. Whatever he did in life, my wife and I agreed on one thing: he looked like a guy who did it well and was a solid rock for everyone in his life. He loved his people, and he loved them well.

Subject 3. - "James"

Finally, we have James. James was given his name because, well, he just looks like a James! We could not determine whether James was the uncle or the father of Benji and Luther. Whichever one he was, our consensus as a family was that he was very serious, not much fun, and very successful in his career as either a banker or an attorney. Like Luther, James was a by-the-book type of fella and commanded the respect of those in his life.

Before you tell me, I already know it, I am a weird guy. But at 40 years old, I have finally learned to love myself for who I am, and I am comfortable enough in my own skin that I don’t care what others think of me. You either like me, or you don’t. In all honesty, these photographs were a lot of fun to analyze and provided some good quality conversation during that night’s dinner.

Now that I have hit 40 years old, I am starting to think about the legacy that I am leaving in my own life. I can tell you this: I do not want my legacy to be one where I end up on the wall in a Cracker Barrel somewhere in the far distant future! Because you know what would happen? Some weirdo like myself would come along and start taking photographs of my photograph and then proceeding to make up imaginary stories about me with his family over dinner at Cracker Barrel! No, I do not want that to be my legacy at all.

The truth of the matter is that unless you are extremely wealthy or you achieve something extraordinarily remarkable, society is not going to remember you. I had a conversation a while back with my brother about how we do not even know our ancestors. The truth is you will be forgotten within a few generations. Your photographs, once so proudly displayed on the walls of your home, will be packed into boxes, and put into someone’s attic. After a while, they (or their descendants) will decide to spring clean and proceed to deliver your likeness to the nearest thrift store as a donation. And then if you are lucky, the curator for Cracker Barrel will find your photograph and you will end up on the wall in a Cracker Barrel store somewhere in the United States.

It is a sobering thought, realizing that we most likely will be forgotten within a few generations of our passing. As I think about what exactly that means, I am more encouraged and motivated than ever before to not worry about any type of legacy that I am going to leave behind, but rather, to focus on the here and the now and living in this moment. I want to love people and love them well. I want my wife and my son to know to and to feel in their very being just how much I love them. I want my parents and my brother and all the rest of my family to know that I care. And I want to be the best friend that I can possibly be to those I am fortunate to have in my life.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in life and to sometimes compartmentalize your life. I often tell people that I go through life like a horse with blinders on his eyes; I tend to only see what is in front of me and not what is in my peripheral vision. I am so guilty of compartmentalizing my life and focusing only on what’s right in front of me. But there are so many people and so many things that lie in the corners of my peripheral vision that I need to focus on as well.

So who am I going to be remembered as? I certainly hope that I will not be remembered as the guy who spent so much time in college getting all of the degrees. Rather, I hope that I will be remembered by former students and colleagues as Mr. Coleman, the guy who really genuinely cared about them. I challenge you today to love those around you. Don’t end up like Benji, Luther, and James. No one remembers who they were. At least I don’t. We can only speculate what type of guys they were. And someday, people will speculate what type of guy you were as well. But for now, let there be no doubt of the way we were. Love others and love them big.

 

I love you guys, Stephen