As a boy, I simply was terrified of the world of men. Were it not for my grandfather, there would have been zero men in my family circle that I would have ingratiated myself towards out of trust and love. And accordingly, this fear resulted in some sizable issues for young Rob. For without finding comfort / peace within the circle of your same sex, boys must look elsewhere or exclusively inward. And this is not at all healthy as a stopgap solution.
My Paw Paw (mom's father) was kindhearted and tender. He hugged me whenever we encountered each other and similarly upon leaving. Masculine posturing wasn't in his vocabulary. This man was the epitome of non-threatening, therefore he was absolutely perfectly suited for little Rob.
Thanks be to God for my Paw Paw!
Nonetheless, I only saw him on occasion (mostly holidays), therefore my time with him wasn't nearly enough to overcome the confusing mysteriousness of manhood (particularly whilst reaching my teenage years). Therefore, these fears simply expanded within my mind as I seemingly accelerated (begrudgingly) through adolescence towards adulthood.
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As a result of this, one of the most difficult "manly" / masculine challenges for me as an adult was spending time in a gym. Especially within the section / zone where the free weights, cable machines, benches, and so forth were stationed. For the gym was a representation of that mystery of men for Rob because that was where (mostly) men intentionally came to exercise - alongside each other.
As a real world example, I think it's important for me to divulge here that I was drawn to the gym primarily because I truly wanted to overcome these fears, therefore the gym, I knew, could serve as a petri dish of sorts. Plus, I knew how physically beneficial (good health) working out at a gym would be for me in the long-term. It was a win-win situation. So long as I could endure the consistent trepidation.
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As a 48-year old man, I cannot tell you how gratifying it is to look back on how faithful I've been to physical fitness over the past 12 years (& then some). Sure, the physical / psychological results are wonderful in and of themselves, but every time (even today) that I step into the gym, I'm reminded of how much irrational fear I used to face. It's as if its aroma still lingers in and around the equipment.
Of course, God provided the cover over me to look this elephant in the eye. Without his Spirit living within me, this fear would never have been overcome as it was.
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My Silas is an athlete. Obviously, athletes aren't nor ever have been scared shitless relative to the mysterious world of men. Instead, athletes embrace this world. For it's their comfort zone. That being within organized, goal-oriented community.
One of the most profound benefits of having this man as my Silas is I can lean into him when I find myself adrift relative to my understanding of the world of men.
For example, I found myself yesterday experiencing a situation that befuddled me. It was one that seemed abnormal to me after it occurred, but really wasn't abnormal in the least. Particularly considering who exactly (the specific two men) was involved. My Silas rectified this for me soon after I reached out to him for support / guidance.
When you spend your adolescence in the shadows as I did, you miss out on situations / circumstances that are / would be beneficial to fully comprehending the world of men. This was / is Rob. As a boy, I refused to risk being rejected by other young men, therefore my intentional isolation served to protect my fragile heart. But there was a cost to taking this approach. And that cost was as follows: It set in motion my avoidance modus operandi, and eventually, this MO solidified into how Rob engaged with his fear. And one could argue that as a result, my fear increased exponentially as a result of my reactionary acknowledgment.
My Silas did no such thing. Not because he was any less fragile, but due to his recognizing how essential this process truly was to his well-being, growth, development - into (eventually) a grown man.
It is so shocking to me to have the Silas I have today. For if you'd shared with me at my outset into the community of Samson Society here in Metro Jackson (back in August of 2014) that I'd be formally connected to this dude, I would have been stunned (& pretty frightened). Too, I believe it's important that you know that he did not become my Silas 'till years of regularly scheduled formal junctures - one on one - took place. Junctures that allowed each of us plenty of breathing room to gain enough trust in each other for the next step to proceed from.
My Silas represents, in so many ways, the most misunderstood / mysterious aspects of manhood that I did face / continue to face. Therefore, it truly is an electrifying, iron sharpens iron relationship.
Thanks by to God for my Silas!
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