10x More Potent

Lust via sexual fantasy isn't (by God's grace) a chronic problem for Rob, though for the majority of my post-pubescent life, it was a big, big problem that I can wholeheartedly say I was in bondage to.  And oh, how I wish that hadn't been the case.  For all of those lust-fueled sexual fantasies separated me farther and farther away from both my God and my wife (whilst married).

I distinctly remember using lust-fueled sexual fantasies when I initially began masturbating in late elementary school.  It was super easy for me since I was "imaginatively preconditioned" as a boy thanks to my penchant for the ubiquitous sci-fi / fantasy (Star Wars / DC & Marvel comics) play that most boys enjoy so much.  As such, sadly enough, all my grey matter was well suited to segue from those innocents to the sexually explicit with the onslaught of testosterone.   

But I still sometimes fall into this trap.  Even today, as a 48-year old, (almost) 25-years married to my sweet wife.

Why?

Because narrated masturbation (lustful sexual fantasies) is 10x more potent (sexual pleasure) than simply masturbating for masturbation's sake.

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I'm convinced that very few men ever consider separating massaging their wiener (with their fingers) from lustful sexual fantasies (either porn enhanced or not) because the two go together like a delicious grilled hamburger patty and toasted hamburger buns (with all the 'fixins), and this results in a combination that's delectable to devour holistically.  

Also, masturbation is widely panned as a boyhood pastime, therefore what business would a grown man have participating in such frivolous activities (particularly if he's married)?  To focus exclusively on that physical act is akin to spending time plugging / unplugging your butthole with a pointer finger.  

What's the point of that?

I've had many men staunchly disagree with the notion of masturbation being acceptable in the eyes of God - under any circumstances, and this despite the fact that God gave us appendages that are ideally positioned to explore our genitalia whenever we feel so moved.  

Nonetheless, I don't fall into this camp of labeling masturbation as sin, and my grounds for this approach is what I've researched on my own in Scripture combined with wise counsel from godly men whom I respect.  But, I completely respect the Christian man who vehemently (or otherwise) disagrees with me on this.

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During the early years of my marriage to Angie, I found myself doing exactly as I did during my college days (living four years within a dorm room with four individualized roommates) prior to going on to sleep.  The (two to three times per week) routine consisted of listening for the other person (wife or roommate) to fall asleep prior to throwing back the covers, very carefully removing my skivvies, closing my eyes, and marinating in lust-fueled sexual fantasy (most of which were homosexual in nature) as a transcendent escape from the cares of the day. 

There are simply too many times to count how often my wife has been startled awake depending on how intoxicating my fantasies became (and in turn vigorously I massaged by wiener).  This would result in her being greatly annoyed by my antics, and oftentimes, the next morning she'd sheepishly ask "what were you doing in bed last night?".  Had I answered her honestly, I would have told her I was expertly choreographing / producing a lust-fueled sexual fantasy that was perfectly synchronized to the stroking of my penis.

On numerous occasions, the orgasms from these episodes were so intense that I came (sorry) very close to passing out.  Seriously.

And for the record, yes, these sexual experiences were far more potent thanks to the lust-fueled sexual narrative playing out inside my head.

I realize that's probably a lot more detailed info than you care to know about me, but I've no shame in telling you this if it might destigmatize something that's so commonplace / mainstream relative to dialogue - outside church circles.

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This morning, I shed a few tears as I laid bare the well worn asphalt path (Lakeland Drive) to my office.  They were tears of regret, having returned last night to the "Fast Pass" masturbatory experience involving lust-fueled sexual fantasy.  And I did so lazily.  Aloof is truly the best description I can use to describe my state of mind last night.  It was as if I'd no past recollection of the ensuing shame / guilt associated with the ramifications of this sinful behavior.  And that's what made it all the more an anomalous experience.  

I'd even, prior to turning in, emailed my Silas in an effort to give him an update regarding my weekend plans (we typically try to rendezvous every other weekend).  And looping him in there was gratifying in and of itself.  So where did this fallback originate from?

All I can come up with is twofold.

One, I ran yesterday evening during my oldest two little sinners' piano lessons, and there at Parham Bridges Park, were scads of walkers, runners.  From the throngs, I did identity one young man who was particularly beautiful.  I never did see anything but his back, but that was enough.  He was blessed with a body that few Mississippi men every come close to inhabiting.  It was splendidly proportioned and athletically built from head to toe.  

Two, I was really, really tired (having not rested well the night before), and as such, my aforementioned run was no fun whatsoever.  I trudged through it, only able to complete 60% - 75% of my usual coursework.  Running whilst tired is akin to having intercourse whilst tired.  

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Lazily.  That's the perfect word for describing how indiscriminate falling back into sin like this truly is.  We all at times find ourselves exhausted.  We all sometimes let our guard down.  Nonetheless, it doesn't change the fact that sin has no excuses.  Does no less harm.  Is no less serious.

May God strengthen my resolve to never again return to lust-fueled sexual fantasies under any circumstances.