"Truth Serum" - JR Everhart

I feel a sense that something is uniquely wrong with me.  So, I’m not going to tell anyone, but I feel as if everyone knows.  It feels like there’s something on my face that everyone can see, but that I’m trying so desperately to hide, because it’s rooted in shame.  I never want anyone to know that dark corner of my life, therefore I become a performer that so desperately wants to be loved.  That, I think, if I’m just funny enough or talented enough, cool enough, witty enough, do funny things in a crowd - that you’ll think I’m worth knowing and loving.  But I don’t truly buy into this rationale because I know deep down that shame destroys my ability to accept love on any real level.  As such, I’ve always felt like God was mildly disgusted with me.  How could he be anything other than disgusted by me?  I’m disgusted by me!  So how could he love me, much less like me, within the throes of this toxic self-destruction? 

That paragraph is a paraphrase from John Lynch, co-author of the book titled The Cure.  Both that tome along with the film, “The Heart of Man”, I highly recommend taking a deep dive into.  And that paraphrase is so true.  Shame hijacks our identity and convinces us that we are truly rotten to our core.  For some of us, shame entered our lives from being sexually abused as a child.  For others, it came from a disapproving parent that always pointed out our failures and mistakes.  And still others, they came to know shame after a long history of horrible decisions in their own lives.  And as a side note, I’ve never befriended anyone who struggles with compulsive behaviors or addictions that wasn’t carrying a creepy candy coating of shame. 

Even more destructive is how shame erodes our hope and replaces it with fear.  Fear that your friends might find out just how deep the darkness runs inside of you.  Fear that you’re going to lose everything; fear that you’re never enough, and even with all your perfectionist standards, will fall short at some point, therefore your peers will love you far less than they already do.  Fear is a cancer that numbs us emotionally, stunts our emotional and psychological maturity, and forces our field of vision onto only our shortcomings and failures.  We become people that are never satisfied with anything, never content, never truly connected to anything healthy.  It’s a deep, dark pit that will rob you of everything if you don’t find a way to recede fear within your life. 

This is easier said than done. Our world runs on fear and anxiety.  Yesterday I read that the suicide rate in the US is at an all-time high.  Higher than the days of the Great Depression or during the World Wars.  Never have we as a society been so comfortable and catered to, but still unsatisfied with most things around us.  We are bombarded with information, but as a society, statistically dumber than we’ve ever been.  The illiteracy numbers relative to graduating high school seniors within the United States is absolutely staggering.  We are not becoming more enlightened, but more pleasure driven and lost in a world of hyper-customizable individualism.  Any sign of questioning regarding that mindset and you’ll likely be shunned (particularly if you adhere to teachings that elevate the notion of servitude, quiet living, and meekness).  

“Ok JR, that’s sounds all fine and good but how do I break out of this cycle of shame?” 

I’ll tell you how… it starts with healthy connection to a support group.  This could be a Bible study or local Christian recovery group.  Even joining a local bowling team is better than nothing.  Join a book club or a baking group.  Volunteer at the local homeless shelter or nursing home.  Those last two things are HUGE in putting your own issues into proper perspective.  Someone always has it worse-off, therefore there's an opportunity to firsthand - count your blessings.  Next, find some folks you can trust and go deep with them.  Uncover your secrets and clean out that closet.  

I personally found the absolute greatest sense of freedom when I chose to release all of my secrets.  To this day I don’t do secrets because, as I've found in the past, all they do is become foundations for strongholds within my life.  Next up is exercise!  Get up and get moving.  There’ve been university studies that have proven that exercise can be every bit as effective in fighting depression and anxiety as any of the psychotropic drugs on the market.  We are built to be active!  Get up and get moving!  Personally, this is the one thing I struggle with most.  I never want to exercise… hell, I don’t think anyone truly wants to exercise.  But the more you do it, the easier it is to continue to do and do and do again. 

Finally, there are two truths that everyone needs to know in order to heal.  The first is the truth about yourself.  This is taking stock of all the behaviors and secrets that are standing in the way of your recovery.  Counseling is huge relative to unearthing the truth about yourself.  The second is understanding the truth about who God is and how he views you.  Your Heavenly Father is not the overbearing parent you might have grown up with.  Separating those two personas in your mind is the beginning of discovering the warm, loving and supportive father that God truly is.  It's important to know too that his view of you is not one of disgust or anger.  Why?  His wrath and everything you ever deserved on account of your sins was poured out on Jesus while he hung on the Cross of Calvary. 

In conclusion, God’s not condemning you, therefore why are you condemning yourself?  One of the biggest challenges God ever asked of me was to love myself with the same grace and mercy he loves me with.  This command completely blew my mind and was a game changer for me.  Eventually, I began to let go of the lie that God was mad or disappointed at me every time I screwed up.  

I can never escape from God's presence!  If I go up to heaven, God is there; if I go down to the grave, God is there.  If I ride the wings of the morning, or if I dwell by the farthest oceans.  Even within those places, God's hand will guide me, and his strength will support me.  I could seek to secure the darkness in order to hide myself, but even in darkness, I cannot hide from You.  To You, darkness shines as bright as day.  Amen.

"I Found Jesus In Prison..." Ethan #6

"For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so, it's those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love them completely without completely understanding."

 

Norman Maclean ~ A River Runs Through It

 

 

Never Renovate / Upgrade Without The Next Homeowner In Mind

Real estate typically far outlasts homeowners.  Hence, it's wise to always make upgrades to one's property with the next (& the next) homeowner in mind.  

My wife and I invested a boatload of time and energy last year into preparing my mother-in-law's northeast Jackson abode to be sold.  One major overhaul had to do with the lighting in the +/-3,000 sf building.  A major annoyance was the fact that the electrician we hired to replace all of the original fixtures had to be repeatedly called back in order to finish the job completely.  Some of this had to do with us adding additional (unforeseen) scope, but too, some items simply were missed outright.

When the four-decades-old truckload(s) of junk was eventually removed and discarded from the attic, the electrician's job became somewhat easier, and as such, we made an interesting discovery.

On the rear of the house, there were three original twin-PAR lamp outdoor fixtures (floodlights) mounted to the soffit corners.  No matter how hard we tried, we could not get these lights to work.  Eventually though, the truth behind these darkened fixtures was unearthed (thanks to the aforementioned attic access).

My father-in-law, at some point in the past, had hired someone to cut the Romex (splayed haphazardly across the top of the ceiling joists) that was circuited to all three of these outdoor fixtures.  And it wasn't snipped in just one spot either.  Hence, no matter how many times you flipped the light switches, none of them would illuminate.

Why did he hire someone to do this?  Efficiency and speed in solving a ramification tied to a much larger (& more complicated) problem.

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If Nate Larkin, the founder of Samson Society, has any similarities to my deceased father-in-law, it's his path-of-least-resistance approach to growing / making accessible to the masses this amazing community of Christian men.  And that's not because Nate's lazy.  Not at all.  Instead, for Nate, it was all smartly centered around efficiency and speed.  And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that top-down approach.  But, there's come a point in time where it's no longer viable (forward-thinking).

Why?

Mr. Nate Larkin (Samson Society Founder) is in his mid-60s.  Dr. Tom Moucka (Samson House Director) too is no spring chicken.  Their friendship has, in many ways, embodied what it means to be within this community.  As such, over time, all of us Samson Society "seasoned members" (primarily virtual) have surfaced around these two, and though we've never demanded to have a voice within the org, there was an inevitable "bursting at the seams" that was soon to occur if we weren't recognized formally.

But that has now changed (for the better).

Tuesday, (7/25/23) was the initial Samson Society virtual facilitators' meeting.  It happened via Zoom, and though the topics were scant (fundraising / Silas etiquette / expectations), they were super important, nonetheless.  Much discussion ensued (amongst the +/-35-40 facilitators) as a result (it lasted for well over one hour).  

You could tell in Nate's delivery, throughout that meeting, that he felt some form of pseudo-guilt relative to not bringing the group facilitators together sooner.  Nonetheless, it did occur, and now we're off and running.  Everyone can exhale.  

Middle management may get an off the cuff bad wrap, but the men of Samson, all the men of Samson, are in a way represented by their specific group's facilitator.  These guys represent the future of Samson Society.  It's their leadership (committees & so forth) that will carry this organization into the future.  And though our involvement may somewhat complicate the process of running Samson Society, that's okay.  It's a trade-off that's worth embracing for the greater good.

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My wife and I theorize that her dad had someone covertly snip the Romex wiring to those outdoor floodlights as an easy means to eliminate the neighbors' complaining about the floodlights being switched on and off crazily (incessantly during the evening).

My mother-in-law has always constantly (obsessively / nervously) fiddled with buttons / switches.  For example, the lock / unluck buttons on a car keyfob, she'll click incessantly if she herself is idling (perhaps conversing with someone) near the vehicle (& as such has the keyfob in her hand).  She does the same with wall switches / thermostats.  Particularly if there're other folks within the room(s).  She'll do this whilst habitually asking "Is there enough light in here? or Should we turn on / off the ceiling fan? or Is it just me or is it hot in here?"  If you've just met her, you'd never pick up on what's really going on, yet any average intelligence person, with enough exposure to her, will recognize that something's seriously off.

The wall switches for the aforementioned outdoor floodlights, no doubt, were perfect compulsory targets relative to her obsession with fiddling with buttons / switches.

Therefore, in lieu of my father-in-law somehow convincing his wife to stop her fiddling (she was NEVER going to stop / hasn't stopped since), he simply covertly killed the circuit by having the wiring cut.  Hence, she could fiddle with the wall switches all she wanted to, yet no one would be truly annoyed / motivated to ask pointed questions (particularly the neighbors) as a result.

Obviously, we had to disclose this bizarre electrical defect (we'd no remaining patience to tap into relative to having the fixtures rewired) whilst attempting to sell her house.  It didn't sell any easier as a result.  

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Samson Society is Mr. Nate Larkin's dream come true.  But at the same time, it's now ours (this army of facilitators) too.  Thanks, Nate, for letting us inside.  We've the same intentions as you yourself.  Your dream will be in good hands (though procedurally we'll likely not be the most efficient / speedy decisionmakers).

"Recovery Reflections" - JR Everhart

As I sat listening to guys share within a recovery meeting recently, I started to see patterns bubble to the surface of their shares.  In a nutshell, the guy screws up and therefore was busted for - fill in the blank - and now he's sleeping on the floor of his own house or perhaps at a friend's house, trying to wait out the grief (D-day) period of their regretful actions.  Some of the guys are truly heartbroken while others are simply frustrated due to their getting caught.  Most have processed the situation and now stand waiting.  Waiting for their wives to heal enough that they can go back to (some semblance of) the way things were before.  I believe this to be a problematic approach for a variety of reasons.  

I think some guys underestimate the effects of their toxic behavior on their wives.  Because some of these men weren't emotionally attached to their error(s), it's impossible for them to comprehend how emotionally attached their wife was to them.  Once that deep seated trust is broken, everything changes (for her).  Secondly, it's highly unlikely it will ever go back to the way it was prior.  Since he destroyed that unrelatable deep-seated trust, the best road forward is to build something new.  The old way has been tossed, therefore it’s time to start over and built a new life together (if you get that chance).  As as aside, within that same meeting are guys who are now divorced due to such things, and now they're unpacking the fallout and loneliness.  

Another observation:  The enemy is adept at crowding our vision in order for us to only focus on the 20% we don’t like about our spouse, thereby blinding us to the 80% we deeply need and desire.  He’ll even convince us that she doesn’t truly care about us, therefore why should we care about being faithful?  

If I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy justify his infidelities because his wife was having some sort of emotional or physical issue with intimacy, I’d be a very rich man. 

We (I’m including myself in this statement) have treated women like pleasure toys for so long.  As such, we have lost our ability to see them as human beings.  

Let’s be honest here.  Most men only marry a woman because he finally found one that does whatever he wants in bed.  In his mind, he’s thinking he’ll have this perfect bedroom partner the rest of his life.  Well, fast forward through a few kids, massive physical changes because of the kids, menopause, and waking up one day feeling like “all he’s ever wanted from me is between my legs…”, and your left with a woman that feels alone, unloved, and used.  

But the flip side of this is that a woman will never know what’s it’s like for a man.  A man who to has his hormones raging and his flesh burning with desire, only to be told, "...you need to practice some self-control."  It’s every man’s battle!  Self-control has never worked much for me.  I’ve tried.  It tends to perpetuate a horrible cycle of dysfunction.  Yet on the flip side, it’s been in these older years of my life where my body has slowed down enough that my emotional needs have started to surface.  That being said, I still love sexual connection, but I only truly desire it when it’s framed within a deep love borne connection.  My mind will, at times, attempt to tell me I need a sexual experience MORE THAN ANYTHING, but my heart now will always win that battle due to the fact that it's demanding something deeper.  In summary, it’s as if I now see the world with new eyes.  New eyes that are free of the hormonal waves that always dragged me under to drown. 

In conclusion, my world used to be consumed with a thought life which only focused on chasing the next sexual high.  Now it’s consumed with a deep desire for connection and love.  Real love, not burn white hot and then burn out a week later kind of love.  And I deserve real love.  I lived for years not understanding that I deserved love.  I'm convinced that I’m worth the trouble it takes to fall in love with (being a bit high maintenance).  

I do feel - at times - like I have so much to give and nowhere to pour out that connection into.  It’s like having to use the restroom while traveling, but the next Rest Area is 50 miles away.  Knowing you need to wait for that Rest Area, you find yourself tempted to pull over and just go piss in the woods where any number of things could happen to you.  This walk of integrity is not for cowards.  I fail constantly, but at least I’m not mucking things up as I once did.  That’s progress as far as I’m concerned.  I am a better person now and don’t really care if anyone else sees it.  This is my journey, no one else’s.  I’ll stand before God - with only Jesus - by my side, giving an account for my time on Earth.  My exes won’t be there to blame, or my parents, or anything I may have spent decades blaming all my problems on.  It’ll just be me and the big G, and we will have plenty to talk about.  But one thing he will never be able to say to me is “depart from me, I never knew you…”  God knows me and my heart, and I commune intimately with him daily.  As a result, I desire to know him deeper and strive to learn as much as I can about who he really is.  I’m thankful I’m not who I once was.  I’m honestly proud of the hard work I’ve done.  Nonetheless, with every layer of the onion I peel, it only reveals another layer of dysfunction to catalog and work through.  Such is my sanctification experience. 

Recommended Reading

The Rare Courage of Real Friends: Why Love Will Sometimes Wound | Desiring God

Recommended Reading - Powerful, Powerful Essay. Friendships Are Everything Within This Life.

I’m 28. He’s 85. Our Time Taught Me a Key Lesson About Friendship (today.com)

"I Found Jesus In Prison..." Ethan #5

"For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so, it's those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love them completely without completely understanding."

 

Norman Maclean ~ A River Runs Through It