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"The High Cost Of Recovery" - JR Everhart

The more I distance myself from toxic people, the more I find myself isolated.  Making new friends is tough these days, and connection is essential to sober survival.  So, I march on in faith that God will provide.  So much of my struggles come from loneliness and unmet needs of physical attention that only a woman can give.  What do you do when the Bible instructs you to take a wife to stay pure, but the dating scene is like a shark tank filled with battery acid?  Lol.  I’m not attracted to the women that seem to have things together.  As such, the women I am attracted to are so bombarded by other guys I rarely have a chance to even start a conversation with them.  It all leaves me feeling abandoned into my own struggles and failures.  It can be a dark place to be if I don’t stay connected to a support group.  And honestly, even then, it’s still about coming home to an empty house, and being left to my own devices. I don’t lose the battle all the time; in fact, I win much more than I lose.  But it’s still there, that aching for the physical touch of a woman.  I know it sounds bleak and depressing, but God is faithful, and he always provides distractions and hobbies to keep me busy.  But there are times I’m exhausted from all that.  Exhausted from the fight and all the recovery hoops I have to jump through to make it through my day or week.  But hey, it’s way better than the alternative…

I mean really, what am I going to do, return to the swingers' scene and dive into a life of empty sex with mostly strangers again?  Been there, done that.  It jacked me up pretty hard, and the pain I went through from that was way worse than anything I’ve ever dealt with in recovery. 

Ironically, I’ve run into who-used-to-be my favorite swinger female, twice in the last two weeks.  It still triggers the daylights out of me.  My dumb ass had fallen in love with her, and that’s the unpardonable sin inside the swingers' scene.  I can’t look at her without a flood of memories coming back, and it jacks me up for at least 24-48hrs.  But I let the tape play in my mind, and remember all the hell I went through when I walked away from all that.  It was not pretty; I had a complete nervous breakdown and was almost hospitalized.  I struggled with panic attacks and anxiety for years after all that.  Even years into my recovery journey.  But my inner child is still very hurt over our breakup.  She was married with kids, and I was just her favorite lay, so it was what it was.  But even with all that said, I’ll take my recovery lumps and bruises over fake connection and smiles masking the broken-leper-inside-of-that-shell of a woman any day.  So, I just keep on trucking - in faith - that God's going to make everything alright.  Anything’s better than bondage to all that addiction junk.  One step at a time; one day at a time.  And push through the tough times, knowing tomorrow is a new day, with fresh perspective and more of God's grace.  Anything less is a plate full of old failure and depression. 

This walk is not for sissies!  There are times I feel like I’m not going to make it, and then other times I feel like all I do is win.  It’s such a rollercoaster, but hey, that’s the human experience.  The enemy keeps trying to convince us we’re not enough, and Jesus is trying to convince us to trust that he’s enough for whatever life throws at us.  It’s a constant tug of war.  It’s Romans 7 & 8 all over again. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever grow beyond those two chapters of the Bible.  But I can look at my life and see progress, so that’s hopeful.  But it always seems to lead back to my first fruits.  Pain is always just under the surface, ready to bubble up at the least little sign of emotion.  I was listening to a podcast the other day about non-sexual physical touch, and I cried for 30 minutes.  A man’s need for female connection is real, and when it’s not part of your life, only Jesus can help you through that valley of dry bones.  But I’m not hopeless; I’m just walking through that season of uncomfortable growth before my next blessing.  This will not last forever; no matter how much the enemy tries to tell me it will.  But, I’m learning to trust in God on a level I’ve never experienced.  So that is part of the process.  So, forward I march, one step at a time, one day at a time.

Honoring The Mother Ship's (First Baptist Church Jackson) Cherished '70s / '80s' Pastor - Dr. Frank Pollard - 3/26/78 transcript

"Will You Be My BFF If I Suck Your Dick / Sodomize You?"

The Internet - URLs, apps for pocket computers - gives us exceptionally easy opportunity to splinter into tribes.  And these tribes can be built around all manner of mutually agreed upon tropes, but in the end, their purpose is to provide men with relational respect and women with relational security.  Those are the baseline needs being carried out therein.

When apps for smartphones, in particular, came on the scene, the most popular ones skyrocketed to the top relative to "tribalism indoctrination" efficiency.  Hence, hookup apps made the top ten list almost overnight.

All in all, the keyword here is efficiency.  This is why / how software programmers made oodles of $$$ so quickly (selling subscriptions / ads to support their hookup apps' services).

Garnering a friendship takes a boatload of time / effort, and there's absolutely zero guarantee relative to a return on your time / effort (emotional investment).  Hence, most adults are wary to even make the effort.  But, hookup apps changed all of that (for many, many consumers).

And here's how I came to understand that whilst also managing to come to terms with just how baseline depraved, we truly are as a people.

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Mr. Nate Larkin is the founder / spokesperson for the Samson Society.  As such, he's often on the road, taking his testimony / outlook regarding our community to those who've never heard.  As far as I know, he mostly speaks to churches, asking them for an audience over a period of two consecutive days.  Oftentimes, that second day is where he'll organize some "trial run" Samson meetings in the church basement with said parishioners.

I received an email from Nate many years ago about a man who'd approached him after his stock church speech.  Nate has known of my sexuality for some time, and he wanted to know if he might triangulate me with this man due to what he revealed to him there at the front of the alter.  I had no problem with that.  Hence, I waited for my new friend's communique, but received not a peep.  Finally, I pinged Nate regarding the silence, and from there, Nate's follow-up served to open the spigot.

Whilst looking back, I can tell you that this man was angry.  Angrier than any man I've ever had the privilege to know.  Much of that anger was laser focused towards the opposition (political).  He constantly devoured political rhetoric, allowing it to stoke the flames of his rage.  As such, this anger was what fueled his life.

This man was very intelligent and extremely motivated.  He was a successful business owner and bodybuilder.  Plus, he owned / singlehandedly managed real estate in multiple states.  Physically, he had such the stature compared to his diminutive wife.  That coupled with his million-watt smile did wonders to attract suitor after suitor on - of all things - Grindr.  

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His response to me as to why he'd hooked up with close to (100) men anonymously (over a period of +/-10 years) came down to his desire to foster friendships.  Plain & simple.  Friendships that were reliable as this man traveled (for work) to repeat destinations.  In his words, he was seeking friendship that was built on shared interests, and for him, those consisted of drinking, watching sports and - on occasion - having gay sex.

No doubt, all of these suitors (& potential friends) were drawn to my new friend's Grindr profile due to his impressive physique / handsome mug.  Again, plain & simple.  It was the "bait" - so to speak - that he hoped would serve to initiate a longstanding, reliable friendship(s).

But it didn't work.  And though he knew the sex was sin, he couldn't understand why his long-game approach didn't reap the results he'd longed for.

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If you're anything like me, all of this seems preposterous.  But this is our reality ever since these malevolent apps came on the scene.  And this is happening every day.  Sex has become so cheap that we truly have become like dogs in heat (glued to our pocket computers like a dog licks his butthole).

One last note regarding my friend.  As you can imagine, throughout this promiscuous season, he constantly lived in fear of becoming HIV positive, therefore he was vigilant about being tested for the virus.  At the same time, he was no doubt putting his naive wife at risk too each time they had intercourse.  But he had no issue with that.  Them "friendships" took precedent.

In the end, he essentially saw this period of his life as a relational side hustle that he deeply regretted involving himself in.  As stated, it grew out of his need for connection, but it was the perceived efficiency that promised him an understandable, by-the-book plan for success.  An efficiency which was hinged on his ability to exploit newfound tech to his advantage which resulted in him forlornly "cutting the crap" in an attempt to expedite connections he could rely on.  

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Generosity is the key to winning friends.  Plus, since generosity is ultimately Christ-serving, even if you're unsuccessful in the platonic realm, your obedience (to Christ) stands.

Here's a favorite definition of generosity:  largeness or fullness; amplitude

I love that word amplitude.  It implies casting a wide net.  Spreading generosity liberally on ALL FREQUENCIES.  

I love seeing wonderful films in theaters with exceptionally capable sound systems.  I've even had the good fortune of seeing one film in a Dolby Atmos theater.  There's something amazing about hearing everything on all frequencies (8 to 64 channels!), all around you, as you're watching the lovely big screen.  

Last night, we had a young couple and their baby (who're three members of Lakeside Pres) over for dinner.  It was a lovely time, but especially so from the standpoint of how intentionally the young man took an interest in our (my) garden.  He and I spent a better part of twenty minutes out there, throughout the evening, dialoguing about its origin, various species of native plants, etc.  With he and I both coming from Mississippi country "stock", there was an immediate shared appreciation for our pedigreed green thumbs, and what joy they have / could bring to us and our clan.

Early this morning (insomnia), I looked back into iMessage on my pocket computer and was surprised to find that it was almost exactly three years ago that this young man and I had our one-and-only lunch together.    

A day or so prior to that 2019 rendezvous, I'd emailed him my testimony (warts & all).  As a result, the lunch itself was awkward.  I could tell that he'd not at all appreciated by candor relative to my story.  And this was because he had mistakenly assumed I was fit to become a potential "mentor" (his words) of his (they had recently joined Lakeside Pres).  Instead, he was now faced with a pervert queer guy who'd felt the need to tangentially overshare to the nth degree.  And this disappointed him tremendously.  For what benefit was a pervert queer guy who's into oversharing to this young fellow?

It was this young man's wife who'd introduced herself to Angie (+/-3-5) months ago at church (some sort of women's function).  Soon thereafter, Angie asked me about this young lady's husband, vaguely remembering my rendezvous from 2019.  I updated her sincerely, and not surprisingly, she walked away with a familiar grin.

Eventually, the aforementioned dinner party from last night was calendared and rescheduled.  And now, here we are.  The.  Day.  After.

Interestingly enough, the young man has even text messaged me today, thanking me for sharing some zinnia seeds (which he planted upon their return home yesterday evening).

I can tell you with no hesitancy that the three years since he and I first came together has given him time to come to terms with my transparency.  And that relational incubation period - if you will - was no doubt put to good use by God's spirit.  For the young man I shared the evening with last night was far more mature than the one I engaged with three years prior.  

And that makes my willingness to be generous with myself worth it all the more.  For this dude now understands fully how both important it is to me and how it actually can be that we co-exist on the same platonic plane as broken, imperfect men.  

And thankfully, there's no blow jobs or buttfucking called for.        

Be generous.  Expect nothing in return.  Be patient and mindful of your Christian witness.  Have faith that God will return to you - exponentially - what you've been willing to give indiscriminately and altruistically.  From there, sit back and remain hopeful.

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I obtained a new desktop PC at work, and taking into consideration how well things are going as of late - in general - I'm prone to celebrate by consuming some gay Internet porn.

Yet, my newly appointed Covenant Eyes Ally has been informed (by me) of the arrival of this new desktop PC.  Plus, I assured him that I'd install Covenant Eyes soon thereafter (which I have).  

But, oh my goodness, how I wanted to take a half hour or so (or more) and see what might pop up if I searched for "Hairy muscle men gay porn", utilizing this zippy, brand-spanking new processor.  

Yesterday, I had one of our vehicles serviced, and regrettably, I chose to wait for the service to be completed (it took MUCH LONGER than anticipated).  After lunch, one of the young mechanics moseyed into the waiting room to refill his Yeti (I was close to being comatose on the cheap leather sofa), and I immediately became enthralled by his physical beauty.  I'd brought my Bible, and had been reading it on and off throughout my moratorium, but the text was no match for this Adonis.  All in all, it was quite a gift to have a few moments with this young man.

Hence, I could have - today - searched for "Hot mechanic gay porn" as well in order to have the Internet fully exploit (take advantage of?) my memorable encounter.  But, I chose not to, knowing all along that, thanks to Covenant Eyes, I'm not isolated / alone with my thoughts on my new desktop PC.

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I spoke to one of my Silees at length yesterday, (7/6) morning whilst waiting on my vehicle, and he was telling me of an encounter he had with multiple beautiful women who were grocery shopping in string bikinis (with thong bottoms) where he & his wife live on the East Coast.  

This guy admires hot women as much as I do hot guys.  And thanks to the Internet, as a follow-up to his encounter, he could just as easily have searched for "Hot MILF string bikini grocery shopping", and the Internet would oblige - no questions asked.

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Thanks be to God for Covenant Eyes.  Otherwise, I'd be screwed.  For I do not need to be consuming gay Internet porn.  Even for +/-30 minutes to "christen" my new PC.

Honoring The Mother Ship's (First Baptist Church Jackson) Cherished '70s / '80s' Pastor - Dr. Frank Pollard - 3/19/78 transcript