Holding My Breath For Stan & Harmony

Angie and I are a middle-aged white couple (married close to 25 years) who attend Lakeside Presbyterian Church every Sunday / Wednesday (pre-pandemic regarding the latter) like clockwork.  The church is only a mile from our house, and our consistency there is tied to just how comfortable we've both become (as well as our three daughters) within the setting.  We were both reared within a Southern Baptist church, and continued to invest / worship within that denomination (moving between two specific churches) during the first decade of our marriage.  But once our oldest two daughters were preschool age, we transitioned to the reformed faith via Lakeside.  Thankfully too, the location of the church was super convenient for us as a family.  Both of those attributes made for good timing for us.

What changed (church experience) was primarily the rigor relative to the Scriptures.  And this was most evident from the pulpit (sermons), though whilst looking back, the Sunday School environment also divested itself into that rigor as well.  In contrast to that, there was much less commentary overall as well as few, if any jokes - at least from the pulpit.  Overall, there was a heavy emphasis on the Bible as the Word of God - all 66 books of it (equal weighting between the Old & New Testament).  And we really appreciated that change.

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I can remember my 'rents, when I was a teen, attending commentary classes at our Southern Baptist church.  These classes were often taught on Sunday evenings, and were based on books like MasterLife or Experiencing God.  You'll never find anything of the sort at Lakeside Pres, though they are at the present, sponsoring a once-a-month book study on reformed theology via The Wonderful Works of God by Herman Bavinck.  

Ultimately, the purpose of the Southern Baptist church is to get bigger.  Month to month, year to year.  Therefore, the church experience they offer paints with as wide a (culturally "relevant") brush as possible.  And this often results in heavy, heavy commentary being doled out which is usually eye-opening, humorous, off-putting, and so forth.  It's entertaining stuff for sure.  Angie and I both have heard some weird shit expunged from those pulpits over the years, and this is par for the course relative to these churches primary goals.  'Till we'd experienced another approach, we just assumed there weren't other options out there to explore.

Overall, no doubt, church attendance (from a parishioners point of view) - no matter where you go - is a commitment chore.  Therefore, the weight of that monotony can be lifted as such.  Considering that, we simply wanted more relative to where we were with our personal walk with God, even if it meant less entertaining and more enriching.

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I've often joked that Presbyterians are like graduate degree Christians.  And this harkens back to the fact that they love God's Word first and foremost, and aren't as impressed / entertained as easily as other Christ followers.

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Taking all of that into consideration, our church is no doubt biased, in terms of membership, towards the middle-aged to older crowd.  Yet, there are a small handful of young couples, and it's one of those that I'd like to focus on here, going forward within this post.

We'll dub them, for sake of anonymity, Stan & Harmony.

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But first...

During our newlywed years, a slightly older couple who'd been married 2 or 3 years longer than we, worshiped with us during our aforementioned Southern Baptist church days.  Their names were Dan and Melody.

These two were so complementary of each other.  Moreso, I believe, than any other couple we'd met up to that point in time.  Dan was Type A, highly intelligent, and charming.  Melody was equally as intelligent, but no doubt a Type B.  Her demeanor was sweet and loving, if a little quiet.

Eventually, Dan and Melody quietly divorced to everyone's disbelief.  They did this prior to procreating, and it coincided with Dan's obvious, though held close to the vest, problem with alcohol.

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Shifting gears back to the present, let's wrap this up by discussing preconceptions.  Especially as they pertain to being young and green.  One of the biggest weaknesses, if not the biggest weakness, relative to being young/er is naivety.  And that naivety is tied to our perceptively greenish view of the world as we know it.  

You may believe you've seen the ideal Christian couple.  One whose marriage is rock solid whilst blessing everyone around them.  The duo look fantastic together and seem inseparable.  

Seeing the aforementioned Stan & Harmony sitting in the pew at Lakeside Pres on Sunday mornings, I sometimes believe I've seen them too, but it's a ruse.  Just as Dan & Melody were.

Every couple is just one or two steps away from their marriage being on the rocks, and more often than not, it's related to that fleshly pull towards sexual sin or drug (alcohol is a drug) abuse.  Therefore, do the work you need to do, find the support you need to find to keep your less than ideal marriage intact and strong.

Lagniappe

When The Happiest Man I Know Is Not So Happy / Identity Through Politics - Part Two

I attended a men's retreat (pre-Samson Society involvement) back in February of 2014 outside of Jackson, and my big takeaway from that particularly grueling 48 hours was being dubbed "flamboyant" by the retreat leader.  And he adjudicated this label to me immediately following me pouring out my heart (telling my story) for 20 minutes in front of everyone in attendance (+/-30 men).  It truly was the most derogatory insult I've experienced in recent memory, doled out by a respected local Christian counselor.

Growing up in the '80s, the role models for homosexual men were flamboyant.  And for me personally, this included my high school science teacher.  All of this played a significant role in me understanding that I had no place within that community.  Flamboyant, in my mind, equated to one being completely at the mercy of their emotions.

Today, I still see a lot of this flamboyance, and it positions me to be that much further resolved in never, ever embracing / honoring the homosexual lifestyle.

Why?

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I'm definitely a sexist.  It's impossible to be a complementarian Christian and not be.  

Also, living with four women has made me that much more of one.

Now to return to my question of worthwhileness from my last post.  

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For women, emotional responses are absolutely worthwhile.  It's in and through their emotions that they experience so much of life.  And this complements their husbands who typically do not put nearly as much stock in feelings as they do.

Within our western culture, men and women are equal.  It's all 50/50.  He can do everything equally as well as she can and vice versa.  I hear this from my teenage daughters who're just as eat up with culture as any.

The Bible runs counter to this and so does logic, but logic is often ridiculed within our culture and the Bible discounted.

One of the most sizable weaknesses women wrestle with is the relationship they have with their emotions.

Let me repeat that statement.

One of the most sizable weaknesses women wrestle with is the relationship they have with their emotions.

To be more specific, women can be easily manipulated in and through their feelings.  And, of course, feelings are just that.  Feelings.  They come and go.  Rise and fall.  Intense.  Diminished.  And on and on.

And this is why women should depend on their man as it relates to this particular attribute / character trait.

But what if her man is a dumbass?  Or simply isn't where he needs to be to lead in this regard?  What if she's "been there, done that" and only ended up getting screwed by her man (whose taken advantage of her emotionally)?  

Those are valid questions, but we're going to have to assume here that she has a solid, reliable husband, pastor, brother, friend next to her who's looking out for her best interests.

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I watched my mother, whilst growing up, disregard her emotional beauty completely due to my father being quite inept as her man.  It wasn't that he wasn't a great looking guy with an optimistic outlook.  That he was.  What was missing was that steadiness that most all young wives crave.  In its place, my dad was an overgrown boy (at 18) who really had no business, at that time, being dubbed a husband - to anyone.

So, she became that steadiness herself within our threesome.  And she'd seen this stopgap solution lived out within her own family as she grew up in the Mississippi Delta.  

This attribute of steadiness is the polar opposite of flamboyant, and it's what I gravitate towards relative to the true joy of being a man.  And as weird as it sounds, I learned it from my extremely feminine, strikingly beautiful mother.  Therefore, it's due to her that I'm not / never will identifying myself as a gay man living a gay lifestyle with a pro-gay outlook.

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In closing, social media and cable TV are designed first and foremost to incite an emotional response from everyone who consumes it.  And it pits all of us against each other whilst doing so.  Otherwise, no one would devote the countless wasted time glued to all forms of it.

Because women bank their emotions as worthwhile (remember Part One of this post), these two (social media / cable TV) are optimized to the nth degree for the female consumer.  And along those same lines, it's a fact that men and women consume social media very differently due to their wiring.  

Mark Zuckerberg is leading the technological charge in exploiting the attributes of both sexes and our now cultural norms (men and women are 50/50).  Brilliant guy, he is.

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Where to go to shore up ourselves as men, on behalf of our wives / daughters and otherwise (who need us to be their steadiness)?

Samson Society, of course.  It's as simple as that.

Lagniappe

More Lagniappe

When The Happiest Man I Know Is Not So Happy / Identity Through Politics - Part One

I've only met two men during my lifetime who epitomized a steady, consistently happy demeanor.  That proves that this temperament is a rare find.  And I'm not referring here to happyish men who're not bright enough to recognize the realities related to the unhappiness of this life.  No.  Not those.  Instead, these are intelligent, godly men who're articulate and quite devout (yet not earnest in the least) who're always, always in good spirits - no matter what.

One of these I see every week at our church.  He's an elder who's just a few years my senior, and I deeply respect this man, particularly as it relates to his compassionate, selfless heart as a Sunday School teacher, leader, husband, father, and amateur missionary.

Therefore, when I recognize that his demeanor has shifted from typical to atypical (for he himself), I grow deeply concerned.  For it's unusual, and though a lot has become unusual these days, this still is quite unexpected.

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I've read about marriages being torn asunder relative to politics, but mostly, despite the implied risks, it comes down to willful respect if faced with opposing points of view.  In fact, I worked with an architect years ago who used to decree that his vote "cancelled out" the vote of his spouse during each election - year after year after year.  And he'd say this smugly yet with nobility / respect towards his wife.

Today, political points of view are becoming identifiers.  Identity is the word I'm focusing on right here.  Like sexual orientation or race is tied to identity.  Religion, even.  And you wrap that up inside the auspices of the pandemic that we've been experiencing, and it promulgates this notion of identity through politics that much further.  And the weird thing is, this is happening to really smart people.  Not just the dumbasses who have not the grey matter to think outside of their (incessantly overbearing) feelings.    

Therefore, my aforementioned always happy friend, whilst faced with the emotions of this private, relational defeat (as I've implied above), has definitely lost his happiness.  And it's all centered on his wife situating her identity outside of her relationship with Christ.  For this is a binary move.  There's no co-mingling.  It's either 1 or 0.  You're either in Christ or not.

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Years ago, I had a pastor friend whose wife stopped attending the church that he pastored in lieu of her decision to frequent her best friend's ("her soulmate" - his words) church down the street.  Needless to say, this brought on much negative speculation which eventually boiled over prior to my friend resigning his position at the church.

But his wife was "following her heart" or somesuch, therefore this was no doubt a weirdmo isolated incident.

Today however, this kind of weird relational shit is prevalent.  Prevalent.    

Now, for me to say that means the following:  Christians are relinquishing their true identities for something else.  Something rooted, I believe, in emotions - namely anger / outrage.

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So what's the root of all this anger / outrage, and are these emotions worthwhile?

Let's talk about the meaning of the word worthwhile, and from there, I'm going to segue into how this pertains to the benefits of being involved within the Samson Society.  Stay tuned and thanks for reading.

Is It Acceptable To Be Critical Of Your Spouse During A Samson Society Meeting? / Where (In The Grand Scheme of Things) Is The Importance In Marital Sex? / Why Is Fornication / Adultery So Prevalent?

Let me address the first question.

There's a difference in being critical and being derogatory.  Derogatory comments / critiques aren't respectful of the absent (or not) individual, therefore they're not welcome regarding anyone else but oneself (if you feel so moved).

Strictest confidence brings about safety relative to any subject matter one would like to introduce within a Samson Society meeting, therefore bring it on.  So long as it's not derogatory.

One rule Angie and I have abided by as a married couple is our refusal to speak negatively about each other to anyone besides each other...under any circumstances.  Since we've stuck to this for close to 25 years, it's almost impossible to talk about her at all in any sort of negative light.  Even within a Samson Society meeting.  Considering that, we do not shy away from being critical of each other when deemed necessary.

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Question Two.

I've only had intercourse with Angie a few times in 2020, and only once after May 29 (post-stroke).  

Vaginal intercourse is the ultimate expression of complementarian marriage.  In particular, the yielding of the wife relative to penetration by the husband.  

I personally know men who've been married for longer than I have, and who've only had vaginal intercourse with their wives two or three times over the decades past.  And these two individuals (within that marriage) are perfectly healthy, physically attractive human beings.  They just choose to not have any sexual intimacy.  Ever.  

Hence, as you can imagine, the desire for sexual intimacy wreaks havoc within this icy arrangement, and from there, the marriage becomes nothing more than a roommate situation.  Progressively though, couples who choose to allow this amount of massive abstinence to occur within their marriages can't help but grow bitter and resentful of each other (as well as themselves).  For they know that marriage is marriage is marriage due to the implied regular, natural sexual intimacy involved.  It would be like owning a beautiful manual transmission convertible sports car but having to leave it forever garaged.

Meeting couples like this has been eye opening to Rob relative to the fundamental importance of regular hot sex in the marriage bed.

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Question Three.

Sexual intimacy isn't discussed by persons of respect / authority to teenagers.  It simply isn't.  Ever.  Never.  Never.

Therefore, teenagers are left to cope with puberty amongst all the relational high school / collegiate madness that comes with it, and most of them end up in bed as a default.  And this is not surprising.  

Vaginal intercourse is perfectly pleasurable and absolutely desirable.  For men, it is truly an effective means for experiencing an emotional / physical release that's unlike any other experience he'll ever have.  For ladies, it's that awesome sense of security that's baked into allowing a man into themselves.  Security which says to them, "I'm safe and secure within the arms of this man.  His masculinity is what I desire first and foremost during this moment of connection.  He will protect and take care of me."

Every adult somehow navigated through puberty themselves, and most did so as every generation behind did.  It happened on their own with little to no help from anyone else.  Therefore, there's little, if any, desire to "give back" or "return the favor" to the next generation since there's no favor to return.

It's a bad situation that's ripe for narratives being put into play early on from which dictate individuals' lives far into the future.  And within most of those narratives is shame and regret, confusion and discord.  Sometimes even assault, sexual abuse, and rape.  All of which are only there to isolate us from God's love and concern, forgiveness, and clear direction relative to his plan for our sexual selves.

Recommended Viewing - "My Brother Jordan"

Growing up an only child, I am entranced whilst watching this documentary.  

The premise of the doc is to honor the 3rd son of 4 boys (pastor's sons) who died young.  The youngest son, a filmmaker, as part of his grieving, crafted this documentary regarding his older brother.  It is spectacular.

My favorite line is at the beginning.  "I loved him, and he loved me, and that's all that matters."

Watch in awe and with respect relative to the power of brotherhood and the long-term impact it can make.

High Performance Christian Men

The Bible warns repeatedly about going into debt, therefore Christians should be fully aware of those risks.  Therefore, reducing debt to $0, as quickly as possible, should be a goal.

Marriage is clearly not a goal for Christians, according to God's word, though many Christians choose to marry.  The Bible is clear that you as an individual will be a more effective Christian if you're not hitched.

The Bible cites working out your salvation with "fear and trembling" which obviously takes a lifetime.  That's no doubt a goal.

But here's the biggie:

We're to emulate Christ who's the closest personification of God that we have access to (through the Scriptures), and too, we hold within us the Holy Spirit.  The latter empowers the former along with that whole "working out your salvation bit" by convicting and supernaturally transforming.  This is sanctification.  And this should be our ultimate goal.

As a Christian you should be focusing on these goals exclusively, and steer clear of any others that might replace or add to.

In closing, if you're clueless as to how best to emulate Christ, my recommendation is to firstly read the gospel of Mark.  It's like a graphic novel in terms of its pacing and energy.

Recommended Viewing - Elisabeth Elliott's "The Path Of Endurance"