The Circle Experience - Join Us!

 

One of the most significant experiences that I've had in my life is sitting in a circle of safe men. Now, you may have done this in a recovery meeting. And you may have had the opportunity to sit with a few safe friends in real life. What would you say if I told you there was a place where you could spend 48 hours in THIS circle with brothers you can trust? This is the experience that every man has on a Samson retreat. It's very hard to describe. When you walk into that space, you immediately feel safe, welcome, and wanted. The conversations are encouraging, connective, and fun. There is laughter and there are tears. But most of all, there are memories. These are the experiences that almost every man has been to a Samson retreat will not forget. They have been life-changing. The only way to heal the shame in your life is to have new experiences of shame-free connection. Don't miss your opportunity to build these memories for yourself. Join us at the upcoming ... Bunkhouse spots are $350 Multiple Breakout Sessions with Therapists, Recovery Coaches and other Samson Brothers Down time activities include a high ropes course, mini golf, climbing walls, zip lines, sand volleyball, indoor or outdoor basketball, ping pong, and so much more! There will be opportunities for any person to engage in fellowship and deepen friendships with fellow Samson brothers during the weekend. Plus, there will be the always loved authentic conversations around a campfire. REGISTER TODAY

Fool Me Once (Shame On You). Fool Me Twice (Shame On Me). Thrice Me Fool (Shame On Shame).

A lot can happen in two decades.  Gray hair overtakes dark brown.  Roofs get replaced.  As do automobiles.  Minute details related to times past fade into the background, yet the memory of deep-seated hurts remain.

As such, can people who proved their unreliability in the past be trusted twenty years into the future?

As a Christian, this is the wrong question to ask.  Why?  For our very identity is built on transformation via the gospel.  To be more specific (& to mate that word transformation to time), we're being saved (sanctified) day after day after day, therefore we have an obligation to approach others with the same amount of anticipatory potential.  For it is embedded within our very gospel-centric outlook on life.

Now then, the question to ask should be as follows:

Taking into consideration our past hurt / disappointment regarding that person, what can we do to informally promote forgiveness / reconciliation relative to a low-pressure re-approach to connecting (on some level)?

In other words, we don't forget EXACTLY what went down before, yet never lose hope towards pastiche-ing some semblance of a respectful, reset future together.

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We've lived in our small home for almost 23 years.  Within a handful of years after our move-in (we were first-time homebuyers), our 'hood's developer formally decoupled himself (after 3/4 of the 81 homesites had been built upon / occupied) as oligarch over our homeowners' association.  He did this by appointing three (newfound) homeowners as the initial HOA board of directors, one of which was Rob.

As an architect, it made sense for me to fill the role of President, but what I came to realize was how unequipped I was to manage the dynamics between myself and my fellow (voluntary) board members.  For I came into the role as Prez anxious about dealing with homeowners.  That turned out to be the least of my issues.  Instead, it was my Secretary-Treasurer's demanding persona that I ended up losing the most sleep over.

In summary...

My VP was as laid back as a cucumber.  Nothing seemed to ruffle his feathers.  Content was his middle name.  He rarely complained, and only spoke up when issues discussed were of primary interest to him (which wasn't very often).

My Secretary-Treasurer, on the other hand, was combative from the start, and even more opinionated / arrogant than I was!  What gave him an edge (& he knew it) was his intelligence combined with him being ten years my senior (maturation / experience).  

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I have to admit that when it comes to intelligence coupled with curiosity, I'm a sucker for admiration.  That described my Secretary - Treasurer to a tee.  Plus, back then, he was really physically healthy.  Now, keep in mind that I'm describing someone from twenty years ago.  In essence, for a 40-year-old Mississippi man, he had it going on.  I specifically remember complimenting him regarding his physique and him mentioning creatine as his secret weapon.  

I had no idea what creatine was.

I do recall him saying that he and "a friend" regularly strength trained in his friend's garage.  No doubt this was a fastidious regimen.

All in all, he didn't look anything like your typical 40-year-old Mississippi man in 2002, making him that much more intriguing / captivating / intimidating to me.  I felt fortunate, from the outset, to have the opportunity to work with such a unique dude.

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I believe it was during our third year of serving together on the HOA board that I inadvertently caught him (Secretary - Treasurer) embezzling monies from the homeowners' association checking account.  In essence, he was using the debit card attached to the checking account to put gas in his cars.  

At this point within our relationship, things were very tense, and communication, in particular, was practically nonexistent between he and my VP and me.  

His financial situation didn't warrant this crime (which I chose not to report to law enforcement), yet he showed zero remorse whilst confronted.  In fact, in lieu of offering any sort of an apology regarding his actions, he instead regaled me with nonsensical accusation after accusation, all of which ran the gamut from me myself, my wife (who been assisting with filing the HOA tax return), and anything else he could think of that had any inkling of connection to Rob.

Finally, after ten or so minutes of listening to him berate me, he finally relinquished the checkbook / checkcard as my VP and I stood frenchfryed within his breakfast room.  (That truly was a Sunday afternoon I'll never forget!)

I ended up serving as Prez of the HOA board for another 4-5 years sans this man (or really anyone else) serving alongside.  It was a tough road.  Volunteer work like that (if it's done well) takes a toll on one's emotional health.  I learned firsthand that it truly is a thankless job and that you're absolutely not better off managing it alone.

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Now, fast forward to today.

My former Secretary - Treasurer is now 60ish and I'm 51.  I've not served formally on our 'hood's HOA board since 2010, though I do sort of hold a President Emeritus consulting role.  

Unsurprisingly, my former Secretary - Treasurer no longer sports the creatine-enhanced muscular bod, though I must admit, he also doesn't look like the typical early-60s (grossly overweight) Mississippian.  And (strangely to me), he now owns a dog.  As far as I know, he's still married, and his (now adult) only child is likely still living at home (she's mentally handicapped).

How do I know this?

Over the past six months or so, starting out very sporadically, but now once or twice daily, this former volunteer colleague has been walking said dog religiously throughout our tight knit 'hood.  

It's important to keep in mind that I haven't seen this man face-to-face (despite the fact that he & his fam continued to live one street over) in over 17 years.  

As such, our cul-de-sac is one of nine stubby appendages that he ventures down.  And regarding our abode, we've considerably more frontage than most everyone else therein, therefore his opportunity to steal a passing glance is - due to sight lines - unimpeded.  

During the first few times we encountered each other (as he briskly strolled by), I didn't even recognize him.

But then he politely said my name during one of his walk-bys.  

"Hello, Rob."

?!?!?

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In summary, I'm trying to stay focused on the good that came from knowing / volunteering alongside this man - versus the hurt - whilst remembering that I too am not the same man I once was.  

At the same time, I'm leery.  For I never imagined he would have the gumption to show his face again, all these years later, much less make a regular routine of walking by my house.

It's as if he simply cannot get enough of me.  But why?  I'm the one he heaped all that blame on before.  Couldn't he simply choose to not traverse down our cul-de-sac?

This is truly the weirdest blasts from the past I've ever encountered.  

Here's to our respectful future...what might it hold?  I'm very thankful to have this opportunity to reset at this very different stage of life.

What is God calling me to do now relative to this past relationship, particularly from the standpoint of who I was back then versus who I am today?  I've been shaped (re?) by so many circumstances / relational forces (Samson Society, etc.) throughout our time apart.  My outlook therein is dramatically different as a result.

Perhaps his too has experienced similar upgrading.  Will I ever be privy to knowing or will he simply be a regularly scheduled program (he and his pooch) as he traverses his daily route through our 'hood?

Recommended Reading

9 Things You Should Know About the Prosperity Gospel (thegospelcoalition.org)

Recommended Reading - There's A Workaround To This. Join Samson Society & Find A Silas.

Active, professional listening: The problem with comparing to therapy (usatoday.com)

Recommended Reading

Digital Resistance: Three Habits for the Internet Age | Desiring God

"I Found Jesus In Prison..." Ethan #9

"For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so, it's those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love them completely without completely understanding."

 

Norman Maclean ~ A River Runs Through It

 

 

Recommended Reading

Rediscovering the Joy of Writing: Six Lessons for a Lifelong Habit | Desiring God

Writing has been integral to my ongoing recovery.  Writing forces one to wrangle thoughts / feelings into a disciplined flow by exploiting the written word as a conduit for stating / explaining one's state of mind.

I have found that grasping / corraling one's state of mind is powerfully beneficial relative to provoking positive change. 

2023 National Samson Society Retreat - Van, Texas - Be Encouraged To Attend!

 

In your recovery, there will be certain events that kickstart transformation. Many Samson men have stated, "One of the most impactful experiences in my recovery journey was coming to a Samson retreat." There's something about walking into a meeting room and seeing the welcoming smiles on the faces of new and old friends. It's amazing to get hugs, high-fives and handshakes from men who long to connect in a deeper, healthier way. There is such warmth and friendship there -- an essential component on our healing journey. The experience of coming to a Samson Retreat has been described by many as "finding a home they never knew they were missing." Is this what you are looking for? If so, join us for an amazing experience of acceptance and authenticity at the upcoming: Bunkhouse spots are $350 Multiple Breakout Sessions with Therapists, Recovery Coaches and other Samson Brothers Down time activities include a high ropes course, mini golf, climbing walls, zip lines, sand volleyball, indoor or outdoor basketball, ping pong, and so much more! There will be opportunities for any person to engage in fellowship and deepen friendships with fellow Samson brothers during the weekend. Plus, there will be the always loved authentic conversations around a campfire. REGISTER TODAY

Being Inspired By That "Normal" Samson Guy

I've been thinking back on my tenure as a Samson guy.  

The second local Samson Society meeting I regularly (2017) attended was consistently graced by the presence of a man who simply didn't fall into the assumed / typical "Samson Society guy" categories.  This man didn't struggle with sexual sin or alcohol / recreational drugs.  His marriage was flourishing, and he had a steady income via a longstanding career.  And this had been the case throughout his life.

The reason he was so loyal to the group was how impressed he was relative to the authenticity of the men involved.  

This man was middle-aged (at the time), and overall, his demeanor was quiet / reserved.  I recall he was a burly guy, clean-shaven, and moreso blue versus white-collar (he was likely not a college graduate). 

This man was a deacon at the church where the meeting was hosted.  He'd caught wind of the meeting at its outset, was intrigued and decided to attend.  From there, he never ceased attending each and every Sunday evening.

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If you attend a Samson Society intensive or National Retreat, there'll not be men there like this guy.  No indeed.

But there are guys here locally who support this ministry simply due to their hunger for authenticity / circles therein.  

Mississippi, being essentially the buckle of the Bible belt, is scant relative to supporting safe spaces for men to open up (about whatever's on their heart).  

I'll never forget that guy.  

Thanks Randy.

You made me feel more normal than you'll ever know.

Recommended Reading - Let's Discuss Buttplay Sans Shame

Study Claims More American Men Are Being Hospitalized For Having Foreign Objects Stuck Inside Their Rectum • Hollywood Unlocked

The reason men are into buttplay is not necessarily because they're homosexual / have same sex attraction.  That's a stereotypical generalization.  The reason lies in individual guy's relationship to their anus / rectum.

As we all know, this part of their body is only just a hair lower than a guy's scrotum.  Naturally, proximity to genitalia often results in experimentation - especially at adolescence (in tandem with discovering masturbation).  As such, that experimentation can result in discovering this "dirty" part isn't necessarily immune to tactile / erotic stimulation (inserting digits / objects).

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It was during a Samson Society intensive weekend a few years back when I first divulged (publicly) using anal sex toys unashamedly.  I mentioned it within a story (which I'd penned) that I was tasked with reading.  It was one of two tales (story of shame / story of blessing) that each man had been asked to write in advance of the weekend "share time".  I don't recall which of the two stories contained this particular detail (I certainly didn't expound on it).

A fellow Samson attendee and I were chatting later on (the following day), and he began weeping (tears of deep-seated shame) whilst privately acknowledging being able to relate to my buttplay travails.  I came away feeling conflicted as a result.  On the one hand, I was glad to have had the courage to share, but too, that particular detail, to me, wasn't meant as a bombshell confession.  

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I'll never forget Silas 1.0 blessing my admittance to using anal sex toys regularly.  We were en route back to Jackson from Lafayette, LA where I'd accompanied him to his DUI arraignment (June 2016).  I came away feeling seen and heard.  Soon thereafter, I gifted him a stainless steel buttplug with a thankful heart.

We never spoke of my interest in buttplay again, and that was absolutely fine by me.  Simply knowing that I'd had the courage to divulge this to someone I trusted so completely...that, by far was enough.

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Anatomically, the rectum isn't at all like the vagina.  It's not designed to be penetrated.  As such, it's very easy for men to injure themselves.  Sometimes to the degree that surgery is needed relative to correction / healing.

Years ago, I won a local essay contest, and as a result, had the privilege of befriending one of the other writers (at the awards ceremony).  I felt compelled to share my story (over a meal) with this young man, and as a result, he opened up similarly.  As a result, he was the first guy I had the privilege to meet who had the courage to admit to receiving a tear in his anal sphincter (due to being sodomized by a well-endowed man).  He went on to describe the ordeal in enough detail for me to realize just how unique the anus / rectum truly is.  What I mean by that is this:  It's certainly a pleasurable part of the body to stimulate, but again, as stated above, it's not at all like the vagina.

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Sodomy between men is sin (as is fellatio, mutual masturbation between men).  Women who enjoy being sodomized should no doubt reserve this activity for their husband, and hopefully, he's in agreement with her wishes.  I don't believe there're all that many husbands enamored with the notion of penetrating their wives in any other location than their vagina / mouth.  Nonetheless, no doubt, there're couples who make sodomy part of their bedroom routine.

Brokeback Mountain (2005) or "The Gay Cowboy Movie" starring Heath Ledger / Jake Gyllenhaal is a recommended film to screen.  It fully fleshes out the consequences of men crossing flesh lines (becoming sexual).  

There's a scene in that film where Heath Ledger's character, Ennis Del Mar, attempts to forcefully sodomize his wife whilst being intimate, and this is supposedly a consequence of his ongoing backwoods shenanigans with his close friend, Jack Twist (played by Gyllenhaal). 

What's interesting about both that scene as well as the (one) sex scene between the two men is how unnatural / forced it obviously is (pragmatically) for them to participate in.

I truly appreciated the filmmakers for realistically displaying this.

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Yes, there are women who experience pain / discomfort during vaginal intercourse.  Based on my understanding of this, many of these women are having a physiological response to being penetrated that's rooted in underlying emotional issues stemming from any number of culprits (anxiety, body issues, past abuse / assault, etc.)  Too, there're women who have physical issues that also can cause pain / discomfort.  

But the majority of women do not experience this.

The vagina is a self-lubricating, warm pleasure hole for a man's penis to repeatedly penetrate.  And though there're a small percentage of women who can actually be brought to orgasm via this repetitive experience, most need a little help from their clitoris.  Hence, the gentlemanly approach to vaginal intercourse is to allow her to orgasm FIRST.  

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For those of you who've never experienced dialoguing with your Silas / other Samson brothers regarding a personal topic like buttplay, my hope is that you'll someday take that leap.  Especially if you're participating therein, and simply know within your heart that you need to be heard / acknowledged regarding the matter.  Releasing that and not being judged for it is a massive gift.

I've heard so many stories involving everything from nipple play (self-stimulation) to "inflating one's belly" whilst masturbating, and all of these somehow get lumped together into dark, shame-filled corners of men's psyches (which oftentimes provoke ample tears).  Corners that can very well end up serving as jumping off points for risky, dangerous behaviors.  Behaviors that can lead to serious injury, if not death, because they tend to mutate within that darkness.

Be encouraged to bring everything into the light in due time.  Never forget that the men within this community are just as male as you are.

"Reflections Of Sanity" - JR Everhart

When someone lashes out at me, the first thing I think is, “What place of pain is this aggression coming from?”  Hurt people typically hurt other people.  And a person that refuses to feel the pain of their suffering will most certainly take out that pain on anyone that gets in their way.  I’m someone that has struggled with anger and bitterness most of my life.  I lived my life running from the sorrow that seemed to cloud my world, and all it did was turn me into someone I couldn’t tolerate.  I hated who I was for decades, but I was paralyzed to do anything about it.  I didn’t know how to find my way out of the dark forest of bitterness that I had found myself within.  Hence, I initially drank and hopped on the rollercoaster of prescription meds in order to try and find some peace.  From there, I chose to use women like mindless toys from a child’s toy box.  None of these falsehoods made anything better; in fact, it only got worse. 

I did finally reach out for professional help.  I started seeing a Christian counselor which lead me to a Christian 12-step program.  That was almost 11 years ago.  I wish I could say God waved his hand over my life and from there, I was perfectly fixed.  But that’s not how it worked for me.  The complexities woven into / throughout my story were intricate, therefore they took years of very uncomfortable self-inventory to properly examine.  I am a completely different person now.  As such, God's great love has transformed my heart.  I’m no longer a person reacting to the world around me, but instead, a stable actor in the narrative of life.  

I wish I could say everything pivoted towards peaches and cream at the moment I chose sobriety, but that wasn’t the case.  I found myself having to walk through a third divorce, and I must admit that there are days (still) I think about drinking again.  Yesterday was one of those days.  

Being sober and walking in wholeness doesn’t deter life’s challenges from trying to blow you out of the car you’re riding in.  Why?  Because wholeness does not mean immunity.  What it does mean is that I know how not to react to the troubles of this world like a pissed off 8-year-old.  It means that I’ve learned to stop and breathe before responding to inconvenience.  And that I value healthy connection with my support system around me more than isolation (which tends to lead to self-hatred).  

Self-control looks a little different for everyone, but ultimately, it leads to the same sane response in lieu of chaos.  To summarize, my life is now manageable.  It's not perfect - by any stretch of the imagination - but it is manageable.  God is with me and his love for me is not based on how well I can behave / follow all the rules.  Instead, it's based on what his son has done for me at the cross of Calvary.  Self-control is zero fun, and in all honesty, my flesh hates it, but I am so grateful for the seatbelt that it represents within my life.  

In closing, it’s never been about perfection.  Perfection is an illusion.  Instead, for me, it’s about progress.  Praise be to God in heaven for his glorious mercy and grace.  I am nothing without it. 

Recommended Reading

Review: ‘Digital Liturgies’ by Samuel James (thegospelcoalition.org)