The Frightening / Misunderstood World of Men

As a boy, I simply was terrified of the world of men.  Were it not for my grandfather, there would have been zero men in my family circle that I would have ingratiated myself towards out of trust and love.  And accordingly, this fear resulted in some sizable issues for young Rob.  For without finding comfort / peace within the circle of your same sex, boys must look elsewhere or exclusively inward.  And this is not at all healthy as a stopgap solution.

My Paw Paw (mom's father) was kindhearted and tender.  He hugged me whenever we encountered each other and similarly upon leaving.  Masculine posturing wasn't in his vocabulary.  This man was the epitome of non-threatening, therefore he was absolutely perfectly suited for little Rob.

Thanks be to God for my Paw Paw!

Nonetheless, I only saw him on occasion (mostly holidays), therefore my time with him wasn't nearly enough to overcome the confusing mysteriousness of manhood (particularly whilst reaching my teenage years).  Therefore, these fears simply expanded within my mind as I seemingly accelerated (begrudgingly) through adolescence towards adulthood.

-------------------------

As a result of this, one of the most difficult "manly" / masculine challenges for me as an adult was spending time in a gym.  Especially within the section / zone where the free weights, cable machines, benches, and so forth were stationed.  For the gym was a representation of that mystery of men for Rob because that was where (mostly) men intentionally came to exercise - alongside each other.

As a real world example, I think it's important for me to divulge here that I was drawn to the gym primarily because I truly wanted to overcome these fears, therefore the gym, I knew, could serve as a petri dish of sorts.  Plus, I knew how physically beneficial (good health) working out at a gym would be for me in the long-term.  It was a win-win situation.  So long as I could endure the consistent trepidation.

-------------------------

As a 48-year old man, I cannot tell you how gratifying it is to look back on how faithful I've been to physical fitness over the past 12 years (& then some).  Sure, the physical / psychological results are wonderful in and of themselves, but every time (even today) that I step into the gym, I'm reminded of how much irrational fear I used to face.  It's as if its aroma still lingers in and around the equipment.

Of course, God provided the cover over me to look this elephant in the eye.  Without his Spirit living within me, this fear would never have been overcome as it was.

-------------------------

My Silas is an athlete.  Obviously, athletes aren't nor ever have been scared shitless relative to the mysterious world of men.  Instead, athletes embrace this world.  For it's their comfort zone.  That being within organized, goal-oriented community.  

One of the most profound benefits of having this man as my Silas is I can lean into him when I find myself adrift relative to my understanding of the world of men.  

For example, I found myself yesterday experiencing a situation that befuddled me.  It was one that seemed abnormal to me after it occurred, but really wasn't abnormal in the least.  Particularly considering who exactly (the specific two men) was involved.  My Silas rectified this for me soon after I reached out to him for support / guidance.

When you spend your adolescence in the shadows as I did, you miss out on situations / circumstances that are / would be beneficial to fully comprehending the world of men.  This was / is Rob.  As a boy, I refused to risk being rejected by other young men, therefore my intentional isolation served to protect my fragile heart.  But there was a cost to taking this approach.  And that cost was as follows:  It set in motion my avoidance modus operandi, and eventually, this MO solidified into how Rob engaged with his fear.  And one could argue that as a result, my fear increased exponentially as a result of my reactionary acknowledgment.

My Silas did no such thing.  Not because he was any less fragile, but due to his recognizing how essential this process truly was to his well-being, growth, development - into (eventually) a grown man.

It is so shocking to me to have the Silas I have today.  For if you'd shared with me at my outset into the community of Samson Society here in Metro Jackson (back in August of 2014) that I'd be formally connected to this dude, I would have been stunned (& pretty frightened).  Too, I believe it's important that you know that he did not become my Silas 'till years of regularly scheduled formal junctures - one on one - took place.  Junctures that allowed each of us plenty of breathing room to gain enough trust in each other for the next step to proceed from.

My Silas represents, in so many ways, the most misunderstood / mysterious aspects of manhood that I did face / continue to face.  Therefore, it truly is an electrifying, iron sharpens iron relationship.  

Thanks by to God for my Silas!

The No Bull Briefing Newsletter - April 2021

 

Silas Appreciation Day Meme Competition July 5th is Silas Appreciation Day. To commemorate the day we are holding a meme competition. Submit your Silas Appreciation Meme HERE. The deadline for submittals is June 1st when we will turn over all memes to the totally unbiased firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe for the selection of the winner. The top five memes will be featured in the June No Bull Briefing and the winner will receive a coveted Samson Society T-shirt. An Alternative Form for a Samson Meeting In 2008, several members of the Original Franklin Meeting wanted to go deep. They had several years of recovery and brotherhood through the Meeting Format and topic sharing. They craved cross talk. The question had been how to do it and maintain the safety of every man. It was a recipe for triggering.  They identified a groundbreaking book by Chip Dodd, entitled Voice of the Heart as the initial format for sharing feelings we carry every day. The eight feelings outlined in the book are Hurt, Sadness, Anger, Fear, Loneliness, Guilt, Shame, and Gladness. The initial impression you have is that all but one of these seem negative. As Dodd puts it, each are gifts for identifying ways to do self-examination in that there is a gifted side and an impaired side. Sometimes a man can check in on both sides of one emotion. Many times, a man identifies with the impaired side of one and the gifted side of another. They seem to come out differently from week to week in check-ins.  The eight feelings comprise the check-in. During the next segment, each man has the opportunity to “declare their work.” A structure was needed for that, and the Quaker Clearing/Clearance committee was chosen. When a Quaker man is faced with a decision or dilemma, they would seek a committee of men from their community. They would present the issue, and the men would ask questions intended for the man to have an opportunity to think through answers in ways he may not have thought of before. Frequently, the result is increased clarity for all of the men. Once each man declares his work, he states his willingness or unwillingness to work on it in a clearing. Many times, simply stating work brings clarity. After each man has made their declaration and willingness, a group conscience is taken by having the men lay hands on the shoulder of the man whose work they most identify with. In the case of a virtual meeting, those using the app will enter in the Zoom chat the name of the man whose work they identify with.  After the work is identified, from that point on, the man gives additional data and background information about the decision or struggle. This informs and instigates the questions. The group is careful to protect the man from leading questions. The man doing work may want opinions from those in the meeting. While this is not the purpose of it, if helpful a man may precede his opinion with the phrase, “in my judgment” in recognition of the possibility they don’t have a full enough picture of the work. The safety of the man is closely guarded and if the question is triggering or offensive, any man in the group may say so without fear of retribution from the rest. Each man’s story is valued whether there is agreement or not. Strictest confidence is observed and not violated at any time. What is said in the circle stays in the circle.  After two hours, the meeting wraps up and all are invited to the next one a week later at the same time, 6:30 am central each Saturday in person and online. The meeting link is posted regularly in Slack.  After a dozen years of meeting, the format has stayed largely the same, however, as the meeting became “church” for many men who have wounds from traditional forms of church assembly, a prayer, worship, and scripture reading element were introduced in 2018.  I have experienced tremendous healing over the years. My initial “work” involved four sessions in which I prepared for disclosure to my wife. I involved my counselor through the process, and the men brought much clarity as they helped me draft my disclosure in a way that presented all information in a factual manner with hat in hand. Aside from some breaks throughout the years, I have attended since.  If you wish to get more information, please email me, or find me on the Samson Slack channels, @Jay Spiegel (D5A).  Food for Thought Porn is not sex Sugar is not food Filtering is not beauty Gaming is not exercise Alcohol is not medicine Attention is not respect Comfort is not fulfillment Vitamin D is not sunshine Memorizing is not learning Help Us Reach More of Our OWN Men Many of the men in Samson Society in-person meetings are NOT in our database as members. Sadly, that means they are not getting the No Bull Briefing - we're missing them, and they're missing out. Ask the men in your group if they are getting the No Bull Briefing Newsletter. If they are not, go to the "My Groups" tab on the Samson Society website, if you are the administrator you can add them with name and email (you'll see a list of all registered members). If you are not, you will need to contact the administrator of your group and ask him to add them. Our best guess is there are several hundred men active in Samson Society but not yet members (only true for in-person attendees). Let's help them get on board and get up to speed! Please consider this Samson Society doesn't have dues or fees, but we DO have expenses. We currently reach men in over 40 countries and we are stretched thin financially. If you can make a generous one-time or, better yet, monthly contribution, that will help us continue to do what we do so well ... "rescue families by helping men live in the freedom of authenticity." You can make your contribution to the mission of Samson Society through Samson House HERE. Thank you!

SUPPORT@SAMSONSOCIETY.COM WWW.SAMSONSOCIETY.COM

Recommended Reading - Amazing, Awesome, Fantastic Desiring God Post

 How Should We Respond to Christian Conspiracy Theories? | Desiring God

Is The Risk For Heartache Worth Taking, In light Of The Potential Gains In Maturing Forward?

For most men, any supposed "Christian men's group" is reflexively (& covertly) dubbed a heart trap in the making.  Unless the group is clearly defined by some purposeful action.  

Perhaps that purposeful action is Bible study or prayer.  Maybe its missions work, either overseas or domestic.

I can recall many years ago working with a man who absolutely jumped at any and every chance he could to participate in local - disaster relief - mission projects.  These mostly consisted of heavy duty clean up work (landscaping, trash, debris) in order to clear roads and property immediately following a localized natural disaster.  

This man was a draftsmen by trade who worked for a short stint at an architecture firm I was employed with here in Jackson.  He was quite the anomaly relative to his masculinity and subsequent physical prowess.  I remember too that he was very reserved and not at all quick to be provoked.  As such, he was the definitive man's man.

-------------------------

Attending Samson Society meetings is essentially foreplay to following The Path.  

You get started rounding the bases each time you attend a meeting, and this can go on for years and years so long as you never ask another man to be your Silas.  And a number of guys do this.

Why?

One reason is the risk.  The risk of eventual rejection as friendships change over time.

Friendships aren't meant to last forever, or at least stay relationally constant.  Therefore, some form of rejection is implied therein.  Eventually.

And this is hard to stomach for many men.  Especially guys who're used to boy scout troops or sports teams, all of which promulgate situational friendships between men that have a definitive beginning, activity-based middle, and conclusion (end of season / Webelos).  Even certain work environments serve as stand-ins for men relative to offering up a prepackaged (safe / BPA-free!) opportunities for friendships.

-------------------------

The foregone conclusion though is that you simply must take the risk if you're going to experience all of God's best for you via the Samson Society.  As such, you will not mature forward - to any real extent - without allowing yourself to get emotionally entangled within the life of at least one other man.  

He also should be a strong pick.  Someone you'll be able to feed from.  Lean on.  Rest in.  And ultimately, be challenged by. 

And yes, it is hard to eventually see those friendships wane, especially when your Silas seems to (more?) naturally cozy up to some other Samson guy.  

So, my advice to you is as follows.

Throw caution to the wind.  Invest in yourself by choosing a Silas today.  From there, stay in the present.  And simply follow The Path.

And remember this.  Your following The Path changes you just as it does your Silas, therefore those changes do often garner platonic movement that then places you in a better position to eventually serve someone else.

Recommended Viewing

A Christian Man's Job Title Isn't Of Any Real Value. His Identity Is In Christ.

One of my favorite Samson guys (who's also a dear friend) lost a well-paying, reputable government job here (in Jackson) - a few years back - by inadvertently sending a text message to the wrong person (outside of the immediate organization).  Information within the message's content was unfortunately confidential outside of his workplace, therefore he had to be let go.  It was a formality, and as such, he then moved to a position within the private sector within +/-30 days of getting fired.

This Samson guy's emotional reaction to this unfortunate series of events was quite even keeled and steady.  After owning up to his mistake, he quickly went forth and found alternative employment here in town (within the same vocation).  And thanks to his skillset and reputation, that made for a not so difficult task.

-------------------------

Much of his emotional steadiness relative to his termination, I believe, was attributed to two things.

One, his job was not where his entire identity (if any) lied.

Two, the procedural details that went down relative to his termination (by his supervisors) were handled with grace and respect towards this friend of mine.

-------------------------

This Samson guy that I've mentioned here grew up in Jackson.  This place, for him, is home.  I believe that bit of info had a lot to do with item number one due to the fact that there's comfort in living and working within your hometown.  There's a lifelong narrative there, and that narrative can provide the foundation for a man's true identity.  Therefore, him losing his job was analogous to his house being blown off its foundation via a terrible storm, but the foundation / property in which the foundation resided on being left untouched.  From there, the task of rebuilding (finding new employment) was certainly unforeseen but not overwhelming to conceive.  

And then regarding item two, he perhaps was also helped by this hometown narrative since growing up / living in Jackson is not unlike being reared in a really big small town.  (I'm speculating here.  He may have simply had a really thoughtful, kind supervisor).  As such, homies tend to be treated with more respect than outsiders by default.

-------------------------

My oldest friend, Bartholomew Pendergrast (I wish that were his real name!), went to MSU with me, tracking alongside within the Architorture School 'till we both graduated in 1995.  +/-18 months ago, he moved his family to Alabama to take his fifth appointment (position) within yet another beloved architecture job.  And man, does he ever love / have great respect for the profession of architecture.  It really is of critical importance to him (much moreso than it ever was to me).

It's important to note that Bartholomew, up until +/-18 months ago, had only worked / lived in Mississippi (either central or southern), and that he too is 48 years of age.  

This past Friday, the majority shareholder of the firm where he now works in Alabama ushered him into his office for a Q & A session relative to a sexual harassment complaint (from a female colleague) that had been filed against him earlier that week.

-------------------------

When I lost my Director of Planning & Administration (campus architect) job from Delta State University back in September of '13 (due to me breaking their IT policy), I lost my entire identity, and I cannot emphasize that enough.  I had no friends - either younger, same or elder aged (pastor or otherwise) - at the time, nor was my relationship with my parents (back home) anywhere near where I hoped it might be (by age 40).  My wife was terrified of what the future might hold (because I was and because she was also jobless at the time) and my daughters were too little to care in the least.  Whilst looking back, it felt as if our entire family had been thrown off a proverbial cliff.

And where we were residing - Cleveland, MS - was not unlike living in an entirely different country because it was so isolated from anywhere else yet relationally conflicted (for the same reason).  Regarding the latter, it was as if the town considered itself to be larger and more sophisticated than it really was, yet no amount of good press or signature projects could change reality.  There were only so many jobs of a certain ilk to go around within that small Delta town setting, the impoverished / marginalized were ever present, etc.

Immediately following my job loss, I began rapidly losing weight 'till eventually I was 14 pounds lighter than before (within just a few weeks).  This was due to me losing my appetite, therefore I ate fewer and fewer calories during the days I hunkered down within the four walls of our rental.  This was seemingly reinforced by my insomnia which kept me from sleeping more than 4 - 5 hours a night.

I could go into further detail regarding just how bad things became for me, but I won't bore you.  Know this though, it was as if people I trusted / respected completely (my superiors at Delta State) took my heart and submerged it into a vat of acid.  And they did so whilst not at all taking into consideration the efforts we'd put forth in relocating there a year prior nor how the execution of said termination might impact me emotionally long-term.

So what came of this trauma that points back to the title of this post, and was God's ultimate good work being orchestrated throughout?

-------------------------

I never again seeded any portion of my identity in my career.  In fact, I was very intentional in repositioning myself within a vocation (Turner Insurance & Financial Services) that would merely suffice versus one that would exult.

Why?

The recognition of my vulnerability as it related to seeding any portion of my identity within my vocation.  As such, I had to find some form of work that failing at wouldn't really make much of an impression.  And this is why I continue to work for my parents at TIFS today, which is no doubt exactly where God wants me to be.

-------------------------

One of the primary descriptors of me myself is my inability to see / take stock in Rob.  Perhaps I truly am some form of a vampire (reflection-less) in this regard.  Therefore, I have a difficult time believing what others say about me because I have such a difficult, if not impossible time, corroborating it internally.  In line with this peculiarity, I'm motivated to put my faith in God to lead, trusting him with the compass relative to most every aspect of my life.

The Bible talks about God's only real interest being in man's heart and whether it is tuned 100% towards him.  It speaks thunderously about God's jealousy of our love and attention and his hatred towards idols that we may choose to worship instead of / alongside him.  

It's impossible to not idolize other people, friendships, vocation, material wealth, and on and on.  Our fallen humanity constantly defaults to this sin.  

But, it's much easier to idolize other items (like these listed above) if you cannot see you yourself at all or with any real accuracy.  You might say there's a predisposition there or a tendency for us vampires to fall into this trap.  

-------------------------

My old college friend, Bartholomew, is just like me in this regard.  Blind to his worth.  Blind to who he really is.  It's what binds us together as friends and always has.  Call it our unspoken pact.

Therefore, if he loses this Alabama architecture job, he will suffer tremendous emotional fallout as I did when I lost my job there in small town Cleveland all those years ago.  

If he survives that fallout, my hope is that he'll follow my lead, and position himself - in the future - within a place where he's no longer susceptible to losing "everything" overnight.  But, I'm not so sure he'd be willing to make that much of a decisive change for himself.  Seeing your income change, losing the baked-in respect that comes with a tenured vocation, all of these things are so very hard to let go of.  But especially for vampires.

If he'll do this, his faith will grow, and his love for himself will soon follow.  For besides God, there should be no one who cares more for us than us.  And that is the hardest lesson I've had to learn in life.

We learn so much about ourselves and in particular, our own weaknesses, through our wrestlings with intense bouts of debilitating pain.

In closing, our western culture wholeheartedly embraces the monumental amount of emphasis (& importance) that can come from the notoriety that's seemingly baked into certain careers and career paths.  My advice to you is not to be fooled by that.  It's an especially dangerous setup whilst finding yourself personally isolated.

Our culture is the worst barometer of all to live one's life by.  And this is because it's orchestrated by the Devil.

Mainstreaming & Conveniently Privatizing The Old-Fashioned Peep Show (Holy Rollers Beware!) - Recommended Reading

OnlyFans, COVID-19 pandemic have spurred a new sexual revolution (nypost.com)

Over the past few days, I was reactively labeled a "Holy Roller".  The text message decreeing this label actually auto-corrected it firstly to "Hot Roller" which I personally like equally as well.

A "Holy Roller", I believe, is a label I'll blithely embrace now that I've been provided the opportunity.  Thank you very much.

Here's a definition I found on Urban Dictionary:  "A person that is heavily relgious [sic], listens to contemporary christian music, and has a "holier then thou" attitude."

I believe that last part really nails it.  Don't you think?

-------------------------

My junior year at Mississippi State saw me embracing yet another two semesters of living within Evans Hall, a 4 - 6 story CMU (concrete masonry unit) -walled building whose sole architectural inspiration had no doubt been communist bloc housing.  As such, this was too another year of coming together with a pot luck roommate.  

Steve was a good bit older than I, a veteran, and very, very bitter towards "Holy Rollers" (of which I was one).  As a side note, the only logic I could deduce relative to me being paired up with him was the fact that he too was from the Metro Jackson area.  

What I observed over the course of those two semesters with Steve back in '93 - '94 was how my "Holy Roller" presence literally made him miserable - simply by default.  For I wasn't scorned and bitter towards God nor the church, and my overall attitude wasn't one of "justified callousness" towards most everything and everyone around me.  Instead, I was hopeful and at peace.  Deeply convicted and as such, very faithful (despite my inner demons).  And this positively propelled me through my coursework within Architorture school.  Without it, I'd never have made it through.

--------------------------

Steve had a porn magazine stash that he'd use when I was out of our room (which was more often than not).  I vividly remember stumbling across this stack of magazines, most of which consisted of periodicals he'd acquired whilst serving in the Navy overseas.  I also recall well how Steve was a perpetually light sleeper, therefore most every night after turning in, I'd dare not attempt to pleasure myself.  Instead, I'd lie there frozen in the dark, waiting patiently for his breathing to regulate, signaling an all clear for me to comfortably fall asleep.

It was kind of like living with someone who was always on edge.  Never at peace.  Always looking for something or someone else to blame.  Blame.  Blame.

That was it.  That sums it up.  Steve was the consummate blamer, and as such, within my mind, a perpetual loser.

It was a tough, tough experience to live with this older guy for those 9 months - day in and day out, but my God's grace, I made it through.

And by the way, Steve grew up in the same church (FBC) I did here in Jackson.  His half-sister was younger than he was, and she and I had - at one time - been friends.

-------------------------

But what this living arrangement did for me - throughout the two semesters - was priceless.

It mustered in me the drive to never cave as Steve had.  To never embrace an attitude of worthlessness despite my own - very private - internal struggle with worthlessness.  There's a big difference there.

For what I saw saddened me, though I no doubt understood how convenient it was for Steve, relative to synchronizing his no holds barred approach to embracing our culture's wholehearted slide into the abyss of perpetual filthiness, with how he felt about his own self - on the inside.