The Hope / Fear Diary

Years ago, I hoped forlornly for the kind of well-established, loving relationship my Silas has with his own father in-law, but instead, my relationship with Angie's dad was no farther along on the day of his death as it was when I married his only daughter.

Angie and will be married 25 years next June, and her dad died +/-4 years ago.  Hence, I served as his only son in-law for quite some time, living - for the most part - in the exact same city as he and my mother in-law.  Therefore, I saw him fairly often, and even made a point early on in our relationship to proactively gain his favor by chauffeuring him to work (he'd unfortunately become legally blind due to poor health) during the entire year leading up to his retirement.

Angie's dad was very different than my own, and that's where my relational hope lied.  He was extremely intelligent, articulate, kindhearted and polished.

But, Bob was constantly in bondage to fear.  And for him, in particular, it was fear of rejection.  Therefore, he made zero attempts to relate / befriend me (or anyone else).  Ever.  Instead, he would stand off to the side and let my mother in-law do all the talking (& man, can she talk - incessantly).

And then years and years passed, and he was dead.  No more father in-law.  And there went my chance.

But, to his credit, he wasn't ever directly rejected by me which I honestly believe was of primo importance for him to avoid.

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Fear isn't an issue of mine, and I believe this is somewhat rooted in my temperament as a fairly hopeful man.  

That being said, I'm often reminded that fear is a sizable issue for many, many men.  As such, I really have to battle looking despairingly on these guys (even whilst taking my own hopefulness into account).  

I ask myself, how can men that I know personally possibly be released from this super comfortable, cowering outlook?  Especially when their wives syncs up - relationally - with what I had / have within my own mother in-law?  

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Fear and a lazy outlook seem to also at times be bed buddies.  And that lazy outlook is more akin to arthritic responses than anything else.  In other words, to move in a direction of risk (possible rejection, etc.) equates to perceived discomfort.

And that's where hope has no chance to take flight.  Perceived discomfort cripples its chances.

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For Rob, hope is tied to imagination.  It's the ability to imagine what good might come forth that serves as a "fear interrupter" and thus motivates me to step out of my comfort zone.  

But on the flip side of that is imagination still, but in lieu of a positive outcome being dreamed up, for many fearful men, it's a negative one.  And, of course, this is tied to previous hurtful experiences.

And that's where the problem lies.  I believe this is one of the most monumental drivers of men's behavior that exists today.

Fear.   

And by the way, if you're fortunate enough to have a father in-law who's become like a surrogate father to you, thank him today for his generosity and love.  You are in a blessed position.

Profession Of Faith Shadow

 

Riley Brown is my age.  This is his mugshot.  He's serving time for embezzlement.  Riley and I grew up together within the youth group at First Baptist Church Jackson back in the '80s.  He and his brother were like myself in that we weren't from an "established pedigree" of white, Northeast Jacksonian material wealth / notoriety, therefore in so many ways, we were not all that well established within the pecking order.  In fact, the Brown boys actually attended Jackson Public Schools whereas the majority of the rest of us (including me) attended private academies.  Nonetheless, they were both great guys who had no qualms relative to worship and Bible study, music and ministry amongst all the preppies...for such a time as that was.

Riley was quiet.  In fact, he was probably the quietest boy I'd encountered as a 5th grader (when we first met).  Yet, it in no way kept him from doing what he did so well.  And that was provide platonic support by sticking by his friends (his select few which I was privileged to be apart of) like glue.

In fact, I think Riley was the first boy I ever met who exemplified the inner workings of a textbook introvert.

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What serves as a standout memory to me regarding Riley is when he walked with me to the front of the auditorium during my decision to make a profession of faith as a new believer in Christ.  We were together in Mount Lebanon, TX at a sizable youth camp, and one evening during the altar call (I believe it was a Thursday night), I was lassoed in by the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It was the summer prior to our 7th grade year, and the majority of the First Baptist Church youth group was there.  

I didn't even realize Riley was shadowing me 'till I made it to the front of the sizable space and into the arms of our youth pastor.  But it was then I felt his presence.  And it was so comforting to have him there with me, speaking not a word.  He didn't have to.  It wasn't necessary. 

Of note is Riley and his brother were both athletic.  I was not.  Therefore, there was always this sense (for me) that he had possibly picked the wrong guy to hang with.  Yet, he didn't seem to mind in the least.  For whatever reason, he would always laugh at my dumb jokes.  I made a point to attempt to get his countenance to light up as often as I could.  He had such the infectious smile.

Nonetheless, this shadowing proved his allegiance to our friendship.  And I needed that.  For I was just beginning to recognize internally the depths of my own depravity.  But mainly, his example explicitly modeled for me how I wanted to also be as a friend to both him and whomever the Lord brought into my sphere of influence.

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Afterwards, we never spoke of this noble gesture.  There was no reminiscing or counseling offered.  It was just Riley's way of doing his life relative to everyone around him.  He was like Batman without the costume.  He was a true white knight.

I spoke to Riley (after obtaining his cellphone # from his brother) soon after the news broke that he'd been indicted for the embezzlement charges.  He was thankful for my willingness to reach out, and I could tell he was at peace with what was soon to come (punishment) in light of his own salvation.

I remember sharing the story I shared above with his brother, Matt, whilst attempting to obtain a means of direct communication to Riley immediately following the breaking news.  Matt replied by stating it sounded just like something Riley would do.

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I think we should all engage in the ministry of shadowing.  Just as Riley demonstrated to me.  This notion of walking next to another man, even during the most harrowing of events.  Based on my experience, it is a rare thing to find men who'll actually do this.  Talk is cheap, and circumstances too often lend themselves to cutting a friend loose way in advance of any real need.  I'm forever grateful to Riley Brown for demonstrating to me what true faithfulness looks like.

In closing, I have no doubt that those inmates he's now surrounded by are all the more blessed having him there with them.  White knights are rare indeed.

FYI: Samson Society SOLD OUT (11/6/20 - 11/8/20) Fall Retreat Details

The Samson Society Fall Retreat is only a month away!  Here are a few things you should know before you arrive.

COVID PRECAUTIONS

It is imperative that we do our best to minimize the risk of COVID transmission on our weekend together.  Our first step was to limit attendance to 100, which is far below the camp’s capacity and far fewer than we had initially budgeted for.  In addition:

• We are asking all attendees to exercise extreme caution for 2 weeks prior to the retreat. If you are in contact with anyone who tests positive for COVID-19, stay home.  If you can get a test before you come, please do.  If you need to cancel, your registration fee will be refunded.
• We will be doing temperature checks at the door throughout the weekend.  Quarantine will be provided for anyone showing a fever.
• Facial coverings will be required in all confined indoor spaces.  Please bring at least one mask that fits around the nose and covers the chin.
• We will do our best to maintain safe social distancing throughout the weekend, including in large group gatherings and at meals.  At least one workshop will be held outdoors.

CHANGES IN SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS

• As a further safety precaution, we have altered sleeping assignments in order to reduce density.  This year we will only assign 3 men to each of the bunkrooms and bunkhouses, despite their 14-bed capacity.  To make this work, however, we need 9 men who have registered for a Lodge Bunk Room to volunteer to sleep in a Vintage Bunkhouse instead. If you are willing to make this sacrifice, please reply to this email.  Volunteers will be compensated and celebrated!
• Also, we have eliminated all small semi-private rooms and converted them to singles.  Anyone who has registered for a semi-private room will either be given a large motel-style semi-private room or a placed in a single, depending on availability.)  
• You will receive your sleeping assignments at check-in, printed on your badge.

HOPE FOR A POLITICS-FREE WEEKEND

Our retreat begins three days after Election Day.  The outcome of the election, whether it has been determined by that Friday or is still in doubt, has the potential to distract us from our greater purpose.  For that reason, let’s agree to abstain from political discussion during the weekend and leave all partisan political apparel at home. 

WORKSHOPS, WORKSHOPS, WORKSHOPS

In addition to our keynote talks by the incomparable John Lynch, we will conducting four workshops on Saturday afternoon.  You can only attend two of them in person, but all of the workshops will be video-recorded and those recordings will be made available to you two weeks after the retreat.  Here are the workshop presenters and topics:

• Kaka Ray: Where Addiction and Trauma Meet.  Licensed marriage and family therapist and certified neurotherapist Kaka Ray is back by popular demand, helping us understand the connection between trauma and addiction and some of the healing tools that are available.
• Nate Larkin: Regaining Your Footing After a Relapse.  Have you been using old strategies to recover from a slip, only to slip farther?  Samson Society founder Nate Larkin dissects the typical relapse and offers counter-intuitive advice for stabilizing your recovery.
• Aaron Porter: Stop Trying So Hard!  Samson veteran and co-host of the Pirate Monk Podcast Aaron Porter shows how an often-overlooked book of the Bible teaches “How to Find the Extraordinary in the Life You Already Have.”
• Andy Gullahorn: The Spiritual Discipline of the High Five.  At times it can seem like all we’re doing is doing step-work, making phone calls, attending meetings, going to therapy and avoiding triggers.  Nashville singer/songwriter Andy Gullahorn, who launched the world’s second Samson group in 2006, describes the softer skills and lighter activities that bring healthy recovery to life.

RETREAT SCHEDULE (Subject to Change)

Friday, November 6

4:00 PM Registration Opens
6:00 PM Dinner
7:00 PM Large Group — John Lynch

8:30 PM Samson Meetings
9:30 PM Hang Time: Lodges, Rec Center, Campfires

Saturday, November 7
7:00 AM Reveille
8:00 AM Breakfast
9:00 AM Large Group — Workshop Descriptions
9:15 AM Large Group — John Lynch

10:15 AM Individual Work

11:00 AM Silas Walks

Noon        Lunch

1:00 PM  Workshop Session One

                Kaka Ray: Where Addiction and Trauma Meet

                                              or

                Nate Larkin: Regaining Your Footing After a Relapse

2:00 PM  Workshop Session Two

               Aaron Porter: Stop Trying So Hard!

                                             or

                Andy Gullahorn: The Spiritual Discipline of the High Five

3:00 PM  Free Time
5:00 PM Dinner
6:00 PM  Small Group Sharing

7:15 PM  Concert — Andy Gullahorn

8:15 PM  Hang Time: Lodges, Rec Center, Campfires

Sunday, November 8
7:00 AM Reveille
8:00 AM Breakfast
9:00 AM Samson House Update
9:30 AM Morning Worship with Aaron Porter
10:15 AM Pirate Monk Podcast Taping
11:15AM Pack Up and Depart

The Infidelity Vaccine / Salacious Selfies

I have Covenant Eyes on every Internet capable device I have access to, and the reason for this is I cannot be trusted online whilst by myself.  As an introvert, in particular, the Internet presents an opportunity for Rob to escape into the digital abyss, and I've taken this approach so many times prior that it's now my default online modus operandi.  Covenant Eyes in a sentinel program that constantly monitors my screen(s) for salacious imagery via its algorithmic magic.  From there, it compiles screenshots that the software believes should be reviewed by my accountability partners - every few days, once a week, & so forth.  And those accountability partners receive those reports via scheduled emails.

A few months back, I get this forwarded email from my accountability partner.  It was one of my Covenant Eyes reports titled "Recommended Review for Rob" and within were all these blurry thumbnail-sized screenshots.  The images were obviously amateur photos of a buck naked man who looked as if he were either absolutely caught off guard or having a grand time.  

My heart stopped beating and time stood still.

"Oh no."

The photos were selfies of none other than me.

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My mother cheated on my dad when I was between 9 and 10 years old.  I was in 4th grade, and as an only child, I vividly remember the massive familial fallout relative to this ongoing tryst.  The man who seduced my mom was her boss, and apparently, he was quite the specimen of an older man.  Based on what my father has shared with me regarding this harrowing season within their marriage, "Ron" was so intimidating / influential that my dad refused to confront him.  Instead, he hired a private investigator to follow them, take photos, bug their hotel rooms, etc.  From there, he had the goods on my mom to nail her to the wall, all the while sinking into a deep despair as the love of his life betrayed him over and over again.

But (for better or worse - I honestly don't know which) instead of him choosing to take a legal stand, he chose to stay with her, but as punishment for her 6+ month (or longer) long fling, he decried her forever, unequivocally untrustworthy.  Therefore even today, he holds all of this illicit behavior over her head.  It's nauseating to witness, yet her own self-loathing that grew out of this tryst actually feeds off of his scorn and continually indirect shaming.  Therefore, as you can imagine, all of this dysfunction has made a distinct impression on me as the Junior.

Keep in mind too, I'm a 48-year old man, therefore this adulterous event occurred almost 40 years ago when my parents were both in their mid to late-twenties.  Their marriage was almost brand new, and they were very young.  All in all though, it's a freaking long time for anyone to live under their spouse's thumb, yet that's the summation of the tolerated dynamics within their very unhealthy yet not at all unique marriage arrangement.

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Northpark Mall was brought online in Ridgeland, MS in the early '80s, and man, it was no doubt a huge retail success for central Mississippi.  My few friends and I would hang out there most every weekend, and eventually, once I turned 15, I began working there at the Chick-A-Fil.  Good memories.

I distinctly remember the interior color palette and many of the seemingly neverending storefront retailers.  It was the epicenter of activity during the 1980s.  A venerable church of consumerism.

This past Saturday, my family met my parents at the Renaissance mall which is also in Ridgeland.  This retail complex was brought online in the relatively recent past, and just as Northpark was during it's heyday, it's been a huge commercial success.  As we did our fair share of loitering, I began to feel quite nostalgic.

The differences though between these two mall experiences are just distinct enough (taking the decades between their origins into account) for its patrons to believe that they're experiencing something completely new and different, but they're really not.  Overall, they're all put together just like every other retail mall mousetrap just with a revised shine for the next generation of consumers.

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Jesus made quite the declaration when he told his followers that lust in a man's heart equated to adultery.

Do what?  Did I hear that one correctly?

That's what he said.

He did this because he obviously knew man's heart well enough to portend that sin originates from there.

I walk a fine line whilst choosing to lust.  Overall, I have a deep seated understanding of just how devastating infidelity can be to a marriage / family.  Just as my own children have a firsthand experience with watching their parents suffer through a spouse's debilitating illness and all the ramifications therein. 

But, an experiential vaccine does not provide 100% immunity.  No vaccine does.

I'm still vulnerable, if not moreso - considering my pedigree.

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One of the first questions my Covenant Eyes accountability partner asked me regarding the aforementioned report was "What is going on?".  He couldn't tell via the blurry thumbnail photos within my report that they were of Rob.  Therefore, I explained, and from there, he asked who I'd sent them to.  I replied by saying "No one".  And that was the truth.  

But it served as a needed wake up call.

No more selfies.  No matter how novel or mainstream the experience may seem.

Thanks be to God for Covenant Eyes and my accountability partner.

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The entire foundation of western culture is built on novelty.  We as a people celebrate it, revere it, worship it.  Therefore, it permeates everything within corporate America, and as such its influence is exponential.  

I would argue that most trysts grow out of this same dumb reflex of ours as human beings whether it involves the latest technology gimmick or otherwise.

We human beings really are sheep.  So stupid.  So impressionable.  So easily deceived.  Yet, our Enemy lies to us constantly regarding this.   

"You will surely not die."

  

Lagniappe

More Lagniappe

Teamwork At Church / The Ultimate Silas Assignment

If you're married, you have a partner, and this can especially be apparent within public settings / venues.  For Angie and I, one of those repetitive marital venues is church attendance.  We, as a family, worship most every Sunday, and prior to the pandemic, we were also present on Wednesday nights - religiously - at Lakeside Pres.  

For me, as Angie's husband, I'm a textbook introvert, therefore church attendance is an energy drain.  Not a massive one, but nonetheless, a drain.  As a result, I tend to be prickly / easily flustered at church because of this involuntary slow energy drain.  Frankly, I resent it.

My wife is not within this same temperament camp despite her quiet demeanor, therefore church for her is a very different experience.

Hence, I'm a backseat Baptist while she's headed to the front row.  She's interested in lingering after the service, in order to socialize, while I'm making a beeline to the door immediately following the benediction.    

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Our return to the Reservoir in October 2013 wasn't by choice.  If you've followed my writing on this blog or know me personally, you know that I was terminated from my supposed "dream job" (after only one year) within Small Town Mississippi, and that's what triggered the move back here.  

Immediately, we returned to Lakeside Pres, but as such, I was a completely different man.  Inside, I was despondent.  All thanks to my own stupidity, and subsequently, how I'd been terminated by the CFO / HR Director of the institution (Delta State University) where I'd been employed.  And it wasn't like I disagreed with their assessment relative to my breaking the college's IT policy.  I'd admitted to doing that up front.  No, it was the demonization that was so difficult to swallow due to how much I respected these credentialed individuals who did the deed.  

The best way to describe it is as follows:  my family and I were thrown off an emotional cliff immediately following my two superiors ripping out my heart and submerging it in acid.  The situation was handled so poorly by these two, and I was in such a vulnerable position in tandem with their recklessness.

From there (30-45 days later), I recognized that I was essentially an emotional rape victim who'd subsequently been impregnated with a sense of worthlessness that had deeply rooted itself within my soul.

Whilst looking back, I see now that the timing was perfect for Satan to execute a massive assault on my soul via the idol I was bowing down to daily - my ever important dream job.  Suicidal thoughts eventually landed me in Don Waller's office (10 months later) and the Samson Society group he was then facilitating back in 2014.

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Angie's ischemic stroke occurred on May 29 of this year.  She was hospitalized - alone - for a week prior to an extended stay within a rehabilitation hospital.  She was 49 when it occurred, and had no other health issues prior (other than general anxiety disorder).  The stroke damaged the portion of her brain that controls her left side (arm / leg), therefore walking / using her left arm immediately became quite the challenge.  

She lost some weight during all of this, but even then, she really wasn't overweight by a large amount.  

What she's faced with today is continued rehabilitation via twice weekly outpatient sessions, and the progress she's made has been miraculous.  Nonetheless, she still walks very slowly and carefully.  Also, getting dressed, for her, is tough.  Stepping off or up onto a curb is tough.  Washing dishes is tough.  And on and on.  All physical activity for her now is tough to do.

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Angie's presence as my wife was critical to me being able to face the world immediately following my termination from my dream job at DSU.  Had she not been there, I'd likely never darkened the door of Lakeside Pres again - after our move back to the Reservoir.  Unlike me, Angie had no shame relative to what had gone down, and though she couldn't relate to my Internet porn issues, she deeply respected my struggles with same sex attraction and all the complications that came with it.   

I can vividly remember back in late '13, sitting next to her in Sunday School at that little church.  This was soon after we'd returned, and I was frantically typing journal entries on my smartphone throughout the entire lesson.  It was as if the Holy Spirit was using that sweet little Presbyterian congregation as a spiritual conduit.  I did the same amount of digital journaling during worship services Sunday after Sunday after Sunday for months on end.  What I discerned was incredibly helpful relative to not only where I was at emotionally but how I might begin to emerge.

And all the while, Angie was there by my side.  Never once complaining about my obviously distracted state of mind and the embarrassment I likely caused her by not paying attention in the least (remember we were typically seated on the front row).  

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I wish I could admit to being just as supportive of her today as she faces her own disability - post-stroke.  For her situation is far more serious than mine ever was.  Not only has her physical health been impacted but her emotional health as well.  There's been a lot of tears shed this year by my sweet Angie, and a handful of those sobbing sessions have been initiated with outrage.  Angie's not one to throw objects, but screaming isn't out of the question.  As you might imagine, this whole affair has left a distinct impression on her by seeding anger and disappointment, not to mention fear relative to a follow up medical emergency.

Considering all of that, when it comes to being in public, especially at our church, she's now dependent on me and my girls to monitor her entry / exit from the small campus.  Initially, this was due to her being so easily fatigued, but now it's moreso related to her fear of tripping up and losing her footing.  Despite the fact that she walks really well, she can't feel too much of her left foot, therefore she's had to learn how to walk by paying attention to what she can feel relative to the movement within her left knee.  Hence, her decidedly slow pace and concern regarding falling down.

So, in many ways, I'm now sort of my wife's Silas.  Literally.  Always there to keep an eye on her whereabouts and how exactly she's traversing from place to place.  It's a privilege.  I do feel as if I'm showing her off to everyone (which is a familiar Samson Society feeling, now that I think about it).

The other part of this Silas / Paul analogy is how dependent on me she now is due to her disabled state relative to having the confidence she again longs for.  

In closing, I've been so privileged to serve so many men in Samson Society as their Silas over the past 6+ years.  How cool it is to have received the needed experience / training to now do so for my sweet Angie.  Especially considering the original matrimonial role model (her) I had / have to follow today.

Are Porn Models Real People? Do Their Lives Have Merit? How Can We Be Compelled To Pity Them? Who Are These Men & Women Really?

The Finesse In Being A Third Wheel / Jesus, The Mediator

A mediator is often the perfect unifier, especially when the two original parties have a relational narrative that hasn't resulted in an ideal outcome.  

Our Heavenly Father exists and works on behalf of his own glory.  Always.  As his (adopted) children, we're chosen by him to be on the "A" team, and from there, our lives become part of his good work on this Earth.  And that includes our slip-ups / failures.  It's a grand narrative of redemption and grace.  

Prior to Jesus' death and resurrection on the cross of Calvary, there was no means for us Gentiles to experience this adoption.  We were the uncircumcised who were doomed to hell.

The apostle Paul (New Testament author / first missionary of gospel) talks about Jesus as the mediator between us and God.  And this development was a result of our Heavenly Father wanting to provide the ideal solution for this less than ideal relationship between his people and himself.

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Have you ever considered, prior to Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, that God's children's only means to approach the "throne of grace" was ceremonially?  Therefore, dialoguing with God via prayer was obviously very different than what's available to us today as the "priesthood of believers".  In essence, God made himself known very differently pre-Messiah.  Ultimately, there were procedural / communication limitations within the relationship between his children (Israelites) and himself that are very difficult for us to fathom today.

Have you ever been part of an organization (family, business, church) where the relationship between the president and you yourself wasn't working out to the expectations of everyone involved?  What's typically the outcome that you've seen within these circumstances?

Typically, you find yourself being quickly replaced.

Relative to our relationship with our Heavenly Father, that wasn't the case.  His son, Jesus, solved the problem as the ultimate mediator, and this in turn sealed us to God through our faith in Christ.

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Why are there four gospel accounts within the New Testament?  

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John focus on Jesus' ministry on this Earth.  Why aren't there four separate versions of the book of Genesis divinely inspired by four separate authors?  

Jesus ministry on Earth was a game-changer for mankind.  It's good news that's never yesterday's news.  It's relevant 'till Christ's second coming to Earth.  Think of the gospels as four highly respected journalistic accounts.

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Have you any idea how much God loves you?  Do you realize how much value you are to him?  

Have you ever read one or all of the gospel accounts and marveled at how Jesus ministered and continues to minister as the perfect mediator?  

If not, make a point to do so soon and allow it to anchor your understanding of how significant a position you have as a Christian within God's family.  All glory to God!  You are on the "A" team.