The Hope / Fear Diary

Years ago, I hoped forlornly for the kind of well-established, loving relationship my Silas has with his own father in-law, but instead, my relationship with Angie's dad was no farther along on the day of his death as it was when I married his only daughter.

Angie and will be married 25 years next June, and her dad died +/-4 years ago.  Hence, I served as his only son in-law for quite some time, living - for the most part - in the exact same city as he and my mother in-law.  Therefore, I saw him fairly often, and even made a point early on in our relationship to proactively gain his favor by chauffeuring him to work (he'd unfortunately become legally blind due to poor health) during the entire year leading up to his retirement.

Angie's dad was very different than my own, and that's where my relational hope lied.  He was extremely intelligent, articulate, kindhearted and polished.

But, Bob was constantly in bondage to fear.  And for him, in particular, it was fear of rejection.  Therefore, he made zero attempts to relate / befriend me (or anyone else).  Ever.  Instead, he would stand off to the side and let my mother in-law do all the talking (& man, can she talk - incessantly).

And then years and years passed, and he was dead.  No more father in-law.  And there went my chance.

But, to his credit, he wasn't ever directly rejected by me which I honestly believe was of primo importance for him to avoid.

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Fear isn't an issue of mine, and I believe this is somewhat rooted in my temperament as a fairly hopeful man.  

That being said, I'm often reminded that fear is a sizable issue for many, many men.  As such, I really have to battle looking despairingly on these guys (even whilst taking my own hopefulness into account).  

I ask myself, how can men that I know personally possibly be released from this super comfortable, cowering outlook?  Especially when their wives syncs up - relationally - with what I had / have within my own mother in-law?  

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Fear and a lazy outlook seem to also at times be bed buddies.  And that lazy outlook is more akin to arthritic responses than anything else.  In other words, to move in a direction of risk (possible rejection, etc.) equates to perceived discomfort.

And that's where hope has no chance to take flight.  Perceived discomfort cripples its chances.

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For Rob, hope is tied to imagination.  It's the ability to imagine what good might come forth that serves as a "fear interrupter" and thus motivates me to step out of my comfort zone.  

But on the flip side of that is imagination still, but in lieu of a positive outcome being dreamed up, for many fearful men, it's a negative one.  And, of course, this is tied to previous hurtful experiences.

And that's where the problem lies.  I believe this is one of the most monumental drivers of men's behavior that exists today.

Fear.   

And by the way, if you're fortunate enough to have a father in-law who's become like a surrogate father to you, thank him today for his generosity and love.  You are in a blessed position.