Your grown ass man brain is best served by a consciousness that practically protects it from emotional harm. You have a God-given skull to protect it from impact / falls, but emotional harm, your skull cannot guard against. Instead, it's up to your consciousness to recognize that risk and manage it accordingly (to the best of its ability / within reason).
My experience with feeling dejected by a mentor (immediate supervisor of mine at a college I was employed at throughout 2013) did SUBSTANTIAL emotional damage to my brain. I had never experienced anything like that before, at least to that degree. And this experience, mind you, wasn't drawn out / within a season. Instead, it occurred over a period of 15 minutes. It's important to note that my sensitivity was significantly amplified due to how needy I was at the time. Desperate for help, inclusion and love, but instead, I was met with the exact opposite. It was not unlike taking a sledgehammer to the temple.
As such, I made an immediate attempt to minimize further damage (professionally, emotionally). Hence, I was convinced that the best way for me to pull that off was to pack up my bags and leave. And not just from the institution itself (which was quite easy to do since I'd been fired), but also from the small town we were residing within (in order for me to work there). All of that occurred over the next +/-30 days.
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For me, the surefire way I became cognizant of just how eviscerated my brain had been was as follows:
I've always loved, loved, loved screening films at the theater (from childhood onward). Post aforementioned dejection (I was 41 at the time), I could no longer do this without crying throughout the entire length of the film. And those tears were falling on behalf of how undeserving / unequipped / unable I believed I was to have an enjoyable experience of any kind (but especially one as nostalgically reliable as a cinematic one).
In essence, it felt as if this time-tested memorable love of mine had been poisoned outright via these massively negative feelings. And I suppose, in a way it was. It took 5-6 years 'till I actually felt confident enough to screen a film in a theater setting once again.
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A sizeable proportion of your vulnerability to feelings of dejection is wholly linked to the degree of respect you have for that other human being. Whether that's your employer, friend, spouse, sibling, parent. Have a massive amount of respect for an individual? Be aware of how that will expose your heart to their critiques - both positive and negative.
Whilst saying all of this, please don't in anyway discount your own inner critic. I'm referring to that voice inside your own head that's adjudicating in real time, most every move you make.
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Back in June of '20, my wife was in a rehab hospital (in Jackson) having had a stroke a few weeks prior. Too (at this time), the pandemic was in full swing, therefore most everyone had shifted their mentality relative to physical contact with other human beings. And lo and behold, a prospective (sizeable) business client came into focus (referral) - literally overnight -, and I reacted reflexively therein (in kind).
The prospective client though was far, far away from the Jackson Metro. Farther than any client I was then working with.
Nonetheless, I made the trip, and in the end, they agreed to work with me and the solution I proposed for their business. In fact, it literally was a picture-perfect (climate / cultural) fit. And this client has not wavered in their loyalty to Rob since that first juncture.
Taking all of that into consideration, because of how absolutely torn I felt whilst making that first trip in June of 2020, I dread making the annual return trip (which I'll soon be doing). For I remember clearly how doggedly my thoughts punished me for choosing to "leave my wife's side" (if only for a few days) during her "time of need". Was I making a selfish, irresponsible move or not?
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Yesterday evening, my middle daughter and I attended a banquet at the college she'll be attending this fall (as a freshman). The banquet was held within a ballroom that I was asked to make a short presentation within back in 2011 whilst working as a Staff Architect for the State of Mississippi. I remember what I chose to wear for that event as well a handful of the distinguished alums' reactions whilst speaking (me attempting to make eye contact with my audience). I also remember my face heating up in shame as I spoke, and me wondering if anyone noticed my blushing.
I remember sitting down after my few minutes of having the floor and berating myself internally for what I considered to be a completely worthless effort. Wishing all the while that I was someone else entirely, both regarding my looks and how I sounded / presented myself.
Yet last night, once again, here I was within that exact same space all these years later. Celebrating my daughter's achievements alongside hundreds of other parents. Working to respectfully set in motion via my physical presence, her soon-to-be collegiate career.
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Angie (my wife) and I grew up together (we were friends within the youth group) at First Baptist Church Jackson. She was one year (class) ahead of me, but nonetheless, we were both outcasts that gravitated towards each other platonically in kind.
When she went to Baylor after graduating from high school (Jackson Academy), two of our youth group classmates (within my class) joined her a year later out in Waco. One of these young men, soon after his freshman year whilst being a student there, somehow remarkably - reinvented himself entirely.
This reinvention occurred within the vein of him becoming absolutely zero effeminate acting / sounding. Whilst making these mods, he also shed his southern drawl entirely. This resulted in an exceedingly red-blooded, "all boy" / "man's man" kind of guy (which he most definitely was NOT during middle / high school) that coherently existed going forward.
I believe it's important to note that after his time at Baylor, he began working as a sociologist prior to becoming a (quite successful) published author, and then onto being appointed (at a remarkably young age) a University President. Having heard him speak / preach from the pulpit (within the last decade) at FBC Jackson, it's astounding the level of masculine confidence that now radiates therein.
It's literally as if Dr. Armitage from the film, Get Out, worked his neurosurgical magic (but on a white man), and I'm serious as a heart attack whilst saying that.
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In light of me choosing to not reinvent myself entirely (immediately following the aforementioned job loss), I can say that heading away from the pain (and those inflicting it) was a very smart move. Considering those pragmatics, there was also a lot to be gained from not running too terribly far away (we returned to Jackson from the Mississippi Delta).
I'll also leave you with this. There's a lot that can be gained by re-living the past via future experiences. Taking those settings / circumstances even, into account within that recognized present (where you're at today versus back then). It presents a new perspective that can work opportunistically to re-frame the past. That being said, we must permit that re-framing to happen. And that can be awfully hard to do when we're still wrestling with unsettled feelings from the past.
Was I making a selfish, irresponsible move or not?
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