"Unquenchable Light" - JR Everhart

Inside the darkness of my struggles and rebellion is the light of God's truth shining.  There’s never been a time amidst my darkest sin that I couldn’t see it shining, and effectively convicting me of my sinful behavior.  It’s hard to comprehend God's desire to illuminate smack dab in the middle of my sin.  As such, I'm drawn to its warm glow.  Yet, I believe myself to be such a failure on so many levels and feel like I spend my whole life fighting off all the accusations of the enemy.  But honestly, some of them resonate!  They reflect the truth of my blackened, fleshly, uncircumcised heart of sin.  The enemy's accusations effectively remind me of it.  At times I yield to my flesh and find myself acting out of rebellion, straight in the face of a loving Savior.  Though I know the truth, I refuse to be obedient, continuing to do exactly the thing that only brings further regret into my life.  Therefore, the enemy’s accusations and call for judgement are 100% justified.  I am broken, I am a sinner, and I often choose death instead of life in hopes of feeling some sort of relief.  Relief from the abandonment and pain of never feeling like I’m truly worthy of love.  That being said, I refuse to lie about what I know is true regarding my behavior.  I’m fatigued in continuing to water down the sting of my sin because the death and decay it brings is never watered down or easy to deal with.  It damages a part of me each and every time, by kidnapping my mind and dragging me into a pit of self-hatred where suicide seems like the only escape from the stress and pressure of it all. 

But often I see a flickering light in the middle of it all.  From there, I start approaching that light.  I can hear it beckoning to me as if it knows me.  As if it wants to cleanse me in spite of the front row seat it's had relative to all of my dysfunctional missteps.  This supernatural response makes no sense to my carnal mind, yet my heart can certainly feel its pull.  I then find that it takes so little effort to reach out and grab a hold of it.  Instantaneously, I find myself standing inside of this light.  I’m completely engrossed in its warmth and comfort. 

This is analogous to Jesus meeting and subsequently incinerating away all of my pain and sorrow.  As a result of him comforting me, I fall before his mercy and grace, all the while shouting out my repentance. From there, I'm completely broken.  As such, he helps me back up and sets me on his firm foundation.  

This is what I know:  It’s only through him and his desires to never give up on me that am an overcomer.

In conclusion, I wish I could say this happened once to me and I never struggled again.  But along this particular pathway of JR's recovery, I go through this entire process at least once every 3-5 weeks.  I do, at times, feel like a lost cause, and that my faith may very well be in vain.  But those are the true lies of the enemy!  I believe true faith is believing in his love and acceptance smack dab in the face of our stumbling and clumsy gait.  Therefore, we must jettison any idea(s) of Earthly perfection.  Instead, our focus should simply be our own personal road to recovery.  All the while, setting out to do nothing to earn Gods favor whilst remembering that it’s only because of Jesus that I haven’t eaten a bullet or lost my mind.  

To summarize, it’s his comfort and continued light inside my darkness that keeps me going. 

“The Word (Jesus) gave life to everything that was created, and His life brought light to everyone. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”

John 1:4-5 | NLT