"Preschool Life" - JR Everhart

Last year, I was at a club supporting a band I used to mix pretty regularly.  Being a Christian inside of the secular music scene is problematic, but outside of my trailer park mouth (cussing), I do pretty good with all the chaos associated with the environment.  During the band break, one of the band members came up to me very drunk and started telling me how there were so many women in the club that wanted to give him sexual favors that "it makes my world look like preschool".  I laughed it off; it’s not the first time I’ve had some drunk insult me in such a way.  As such, I’m pretty numb to it all.  Saying something stupid and rude like that just goes with the territory of the club scene.  Chances are he probably didn’t even remember it the next day.  It’s the world I live in, being the only sober guy in the room most of the time.  I don’t usually stay long when things are that crazy.  But my business is all about networking, so it is what it is. 

His statement did make me stop and think about "my little preschool world".  I remember being that guy on stage - drunk and the center of attention.  I’ve had more sex with more women than any two men I know, my drunk friend included.  Lol.  But I willingly walked away from that life to seek sanity.  I gave so much of myself to all the women around me that I got lost.  I had compromised most of my core values and done things that still haunt me with guilt and shame to this day.  I didn’t like the guy in the mirror anymore.  Hell, I didn’t even know the guy in the mirror!  My life was driven by the next sexual high, and I chased it with everything in me.  It was my alter that I worshipped at daily.  I had no peace or harmony in my life; it was all about the chase.  The ritual of it all. 

Nothing got my motor running more than being able to manipulate a woman into my power.  Control her and enslave her to my will.  I’d play games with them, and make them do all sorts of foul and evil things to prove their devotion to me.  I was the worst of the worst.  And I didn’t care if they were married to a buddy of mine or was a sweet innocent girl next door.  My goal was to conquer her and make her my own.  These things are demonic at their core.  I was an instrument of Satan's will, and the darker-things-got, the more satisfaction I got from it all.  But all this came with a very high price. 

I couldn't live this way without God's conviction knocking at my door every day.  Even in my darkest times, I could still hear Jesus calling my name.  The amount of energy it takes to ignore his voice is exhausting.  I hated who I was and wished for death daily.  I was entirely lost with no will to change.  It took a complete mental breakdown for me to reach the bottom that would become the foundation of my recovery.  This process of change was very hard to walk out, and it took months to get up on my sober legs in any kind of measurable way.  So, as I stood there in that club watching my friend live out a life I once knew, I had no shame and took no offense to his insult.  I’ve worked hard to have my peaceful little preschool life.  At least I was single when I was in the darkest days of my addiction.  This compadre is married with a son that worships him.  And so, the sins of the father will probably fall on the shoulders of the son.  It’s such a vicious cycle… God help us all…