I’m a big fan of Brennan Manning and The Ragamuffin Gospel. A prayer that Brennan always talked about praying was a simple little sentence “Jesus, I belong to you…” He would repeat this for hours. It’s a huge statement and establishes unconditional surrender to one's Savior. That being said, there’s a conflict within my lifestyle as of late that doesn’t walk out my confession.
I went on a date the other day and it went amazing! Sadly, the end result was that it didn’t pan out for a variety of reasons. But what was shocking to me was as follows: How quick I was to make her my new god to worship! I’m ashamed to even admit this, but I need to ruminate on it because it’s revealing something deeply flawed in my personality.
It’s no new revelation to me that I’ve always worshiped the women in my life. Especially sexually! Nothing would make me abandon everything else in my life than a volcanic sex life with a woman. A woman that would saddle up relative to my sexual fantasies - whenever or wherever I so choose. This "sex woman" goddess was all controlling, costing me hundreds of thousands of dollars, and my sanity on many occasions. After ten years in recovery, I really thought I had a better handle on this, but it’s VERY obvious to me that I’m still a slave to my flesh in this way.
Regarding the date (aforementioned relationship), I was so disappointed in its eventual outcome. We didn’t have sex, but had it not imploded the next day, we definitely would have found ourselves in bed. It blows my mind how quickly I just went back to the way I used to be! It’s like it’s built into who I am at the deepest level. I felt like one of the Israelites melting down their jewelry, working towards creating a golden calf. All the while complaining about how life in Egypt had been better than the life God was trying to steer toward.
In the end, this revelation has been a huge trigger to my porn sobriety. Hence, I went straight off the rails shortly thereafter.
It’s times like this that I can understand Paul’s Roman’s 7:24 frustration. “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?”
Ever feel that way? I do most days. And some preach that our struggles are discipline-based issues. That we are not practicing enough self-control. If that were the case, the most disciplined people on the planet would not struggle with sin. Take Olympic athletes or bodybuilders. People who’re accustomed to progress through pain, yet some of which still struggle with the same idolatry that I do. It’s not a discipline issue, it’s a heart issue. Our hearts are polluted with the stench of this world. Yes, we are recreated beings in the wonderful light of Christ, blah blah blah - fill in whatever churchy language you want here - to find peace in the dark. But the truth is we all still have darkness in our hearts. Just look at all the fallen Christian leaders or even the leaders that have deconstructed their faith. I blame religious dogma for this the same way Jesus pointed at the Pharisees and blamed them. We live in a society that rewards the self-sufficient and the church, at times, can be no different! There is often little room to be broken in modern religious eyes; otherwise your faith may very well be called into question. Yes, I believe your life should reflect your faith but sometimes God's working and doing his best work inside of our problems, suffering, and pain. That’s still a life reflecting our faith in Christ. It's reflecting a faith that Jesus is enough, no matter what. Progress is messy, and I’m no different. I’m a mess most of the time. But, I’m less of a mess than I was before. Eleven years ago, I would have never stopped to think that my obsession with a new love interest could be getting between God and I. That’s progress…messy, but still measurable progress. So I’ll take it, even if it is framed by disappointment.
I’ll leave you with this hope. If you have never read The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning, I would highly suggest it. And finally, Biblically, it’s only within Romans 7:25 and 8:1 that we find any answers for this insanity of sin.
In closing...
“Thanks be to God! Our answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. Now you too, dear reader, see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” It’s always through the cross we are sanctified, not by our ability to maintain correct behavior. We honor God by focusing on Jesus, and therein aligning our motives with his word. Anything that doesn’t measure up beyond that is covered by God's grace toward us THROUGH his son, Jesus. “Jesus, I belong to you… even in my brokenness…”
No comments:
Post a Comment