Not long after we "re-joined" Lakeside Presbyterian Church somewhere around 2016 (I can't remember the exact year), we were politely invited to an Independence Day pool party at a church member's home. Of note: An elder of our church was there with (most of) his family, and this included his teenage son. Also of note: I was the only adult who chose to swim with the children, and this made for an awkward assemblage. But, I wanted to enjoy the pool and really didn't give a damn. (I can remember knowing instantly that we'd likely never be invited back once I made my first pass across the hourglass-shaped concrete hole.) And that was fine-by-me. If you've ever spent any recreational time with Presbyterians (other than at a bar), it's about as much fun as taping together cardboard boxes or popping bubble wrap methodically with a rubber mallet.
But one thing that did come out of this steamy July afternoon shindig was my amazement at how physically attractive the aforementioned elder's son was, taking into account him being semi-nude (swim trunks only) for everyone to see. In summary, the boy had beautiful bronze skin and a naturally muscular yet lean build that was highlighted by fine blonde hairiness throughout. Now, keep in mind that I had never seen this boy for more than a few moments prior to this day, therefore it may very well have been the contrast between his new-to-me self and the Presbyterian setting that made much of this lasting impression on Rob. Nonetheless, I felt pretty confident that I wasn't the only adult spectator to adjudicate as such regarding this golden boy, though no one dared tip their hand relative to what they were observing firsthand.
It's important to note too that this boy wasn't but perhaps a ninth grader at the time. The lesson here is as follows: Never absolutely judge a guy's looks 'till he's shirtless. Clothes oftentimes really don't do individuals justice.
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Today, this physically impressive young man is a college student who's taking advantage of a full ride (academic scholarship) at one of Mississippi's illustrious public universities. He's studying to become a professional, and as far as I know, his freshman year was a resounding success. Of note too: over the course of this past summer, he chose to live in the Lone Star state, working Texas-style on a ranch.
(His family is originally from Texas, having moved to humble Mississippi prior to us returning to Lakeside Pres.)
I'm going to segue here to this boy's father, and the reason I'm interested in doing so has to do with the dynamic between he and his son, based on what I've been privileged to observe / glean.
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The defining emotional attribute of this boy's father is as follows: Dad has a substantial chip on his shoulder. Hence, any and all criticism is agonizingly disheveling for him to receive. What's weird about this is his vocational position naturally warrants an immense amount of critique for it (him) to be performing at his peak. In spite of this, he chooses to surround himself with individuals who cater to his chip. Hence, he's left to his own devices to go about his work as he so pleases.
The root of this chip is pride trauma, and I've no idea what that entails in its traumatic entirety, but I do know much of it occurred at his previous employer (pre-move to Mississippi).
To be more specific about the chip, it's rooted in the whole notion of measuring up as a man (masculinity / vocation) within the eyes of other men.
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Now, let's return to the golden boy (son).
There's a sadness to this young man, and I believe it's rooted in both his setting (Mississippi - in contrast to Texas) and the aforementioned (dad's) chip.
One of the most interesting contrasts between this boy and his dad is how dynamically distinct they are relative to their sexual identity (as male). The boy has little to no interest in romantic / sexual relationships whereas the dad was the complete opposite when he was his son's age. Even today, the dad is quick to remind his peers of his "need" for consistent sex (from his wife) and the regularity therein. Also of note, the boy is introspective whereas his father is chatty.
And then there's the son's quiet handsomeness as compared to his father. A handsomeness that's not at all been leveraged relative to courting / bedding members of the opposite sex.
It's important to note too that the son is distinctly taller than his dad as a result of his frame being distinctly his own compared to his father.
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So, what then can be learned from said chip?
They drive relational wedges. Even within such - assumed - close ties as father / son.
Chips, especially if they've originated from trauma, are hugely problematic emotional tumors. Tumors that simply sit there, all the while out of place, robbing resources from elsewhere.
Whilst dialoguing with this elder about his son (basic polite Q & A), it's obvious that his chip short circuits his ability to see the child healthily. Now, overall, these are subtle biases, but I would argue there's nonetheless enough there to act as an intimacy deterrent.
And this is where, I believe, the boy's sadness surfaces. Because, he's smart enough to know of his father's chip, but he's unqualified to broach the subject with him. At least not at this point in his life.
And this motivates him to run. Texas-style or otherwise.
Now, in conclusion, I very well may be WAY off base here as it relates to this observed dynamic, by reading into dialogue / situations to the nth degree, but what I do know for sure is who I am (& have been) in relation to my own chipper father over the past 50 years.
As such, it has been a sad existence. One's that enviable by no one. For it reeks of powerlessness and even curse that's only dampened via massive soul searching / therapeutic work.
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