Sex and love addiction
Bitterness
Rage against those that love me most
Self-centeredness
Greed
Controlling manipulation
Unfaithfulness
Condescension
Dismissive
Cold hearted
This is the evidence the enemy uses to accuse me each and every day. The evidence which my self-hatred and shame are standing on. It’s the junk that pushes people away from me, destroys relationships, and hijacks my focus. It sits on the front row of my life and laughs at me. Mercy cannot be found with these dark forces whispering in your ear every day. Grace is not part of their kingdom. They are absent from God's love, only walking in paths of death and destruction. We must never forget this!
At some point, usually when you’re sick of being sick, or have hit your rock bottom, we have the "prodigal son moment" when we realize that even the servants living in our father's house live better than we do. So, we turn and run into his outstretched arms and find healing and restoration. Man, I really wish that was the end of the story and that we lived happily ever after from that point forward, but we don’t. For years, the church has taught this false comfort theology to its congregations. We still see this happening today inside the prosperity movement, and those that would rather teach blessings and comfort instead of the true gospel of self-denial, suffering and uncomfortable (hard) growth. Following Jesus is not for sissies! It’s a constant long view inward, having to face the filthy darkness that lives in all of us. This is not a journey for the faint of heart or weary. It’s a pathway for warriors, and those with enough chutzpah to keep going even after they’ve been knocked down 1000 times. Yes, it’s true, Jesus has done the heavy lifting, but Jesus is not going to come down into your world and force you to do the right thing from day to day. That responsibility falls on our shoulders (obedience). Jesus himself told us that we must first deny ourselves, then take up our cross and follow him. We are not alone in this journey, but no one can do the work for us. We must face it ourselves. Your friends, or even sponsor (Silas) can only point you in the right direction. We are the ones that have to work the principles of discipleship and/or recovery.
I can always find a thousand things to distract myself from getting quiet with God and seeking his face. I use TV or food, or most of the time - work - to keep me from feeling the pain which lives just below the surface. I recently realized that for me, sometimes that pain is all I have left of the people I loved so much, and I’m scared to death to let it go. Letting it go would mean closure. But, I must allow myself to feel this pain in order for God to heal it and make me whole. It’s so hard, and then I find myself letting go of one pain, just to pick up another. This is a cycle of desperation, birthed out of loneliness. It’s like I say “Okay God, here’s my pain from my ex-wife”, but then I turn right around and try to connect with another toxic woman. A toxic woman that will only enforce the enemy’s efforts to convince me that I’m unlovable, and deserve death. If I do this enough, and believe me I have, I start believing his lies. It’s only when I stop this cycle and take the time to timely heal that I start blazing a new pathway toward stability and satisfaction in life. Yet, this can be a long slow process full of traps and snares. But, Jesus said we’d have problems in this world, and to not fret because he has overcome this world. I always have to remind myself that I’m not a human being having a spiritual experience, but a spirit being having a human experience. This world is not my home, and that’s why it feels so uncomfortable and challenging. We’re just passing through….
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