The first true "best friend" of Rob, that shared so many particulars of my story, was a man in Brisbane, Australia. He and I providentially connected via Yahoo! Groups within a 24 hour period after I posted a few succinct sentences relative to who I was and what I was looking for in an online friend. From there, we emailed each other a handful of times over the course of a weekend prior to me divulging to (& asking permission of) my sweet Angie that I'd made my first Internet friend. This was over a decade ago, and at the time, webcams (& Skype) were just beginning to emerge as reliable means of Internet communique thanks to an increase in computing power and network speeds.
Angie knew I had been longing to find other Christian men who shared my story. She'd watched me struggle with isolation and loneliness, and she found herself too, up against her own obvious relatable limitations as my helpmeet.
I cannot begin to describe the feeling of freedom over the course of that fun-filled friendship. Scott was a proficient writer, therefore he poured himself into his emails just as I did. Eventually, we began regularly Skyping as well to supplement this, but considering the time zone differential, it wasn't the easiest hurdle to overcome, therefore email was always our reliable fallback.
And then came the day when he decided to whip it (his dick) out during a Skype session. I will never forget this event.
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I remember vividly, during the dial-up days of the Internet, when I watched my first thumbnail video of a gay porn model climaxing. It was a milestone event for me for it represented the ultimate sexual expression of masculine intimacy.
Masculine intimacy is what I always lacked during my growing up years. The only man who fulfilled that role at all for me was my mom's dad, yet even then, it was limited due to his truncated education and subsequent relatability. Hence, once I reached middle school, I was left to my own devices.
Masculine intimacy is what I found in my Aussie friend, Scott, eleven years ago, and this is where I struck gold, so to speak.
Therefore, it truly was as if God was saying to me, "There is another way to solve this."
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I probably long for masculine intimacy more than most men. Particularly at my age. And I'm fine with admitting to that. I like how the drive towards it (still) motivates me to minister to men. It's an effective fuel source.
But by default, I tend to eschew my own masculine intimacy needs in order to not look or feel weak / effeminate. And that's when gay porn tends to come into play as a stopgap solution, particularly when I'm at the end of myself (like I am as of late).
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The porn model I first saw climax had / has an alias of "Carl Hardwick" (I know, it's laughably suggestive). He, like many gay porn models, was / is a steroid abusing bodybuilder who was looking to make some extra cash by posing for gay porn videos / photo shoots. The end result was some hot, hot shit which short-circuited my synapses upon first encountering it.
What made "Carl" unique to Rob? Via the magic of the Internet, I discovered his photos almost instantaneously whilst searching for what appealed to me intrinsically. The convenience and ease of access catered so effectively to my masculine intimacy needs that I bought into it hook, line and sinker. Therefore, as my first online "discovery", those images of this man truly set the precedent (important word) for what pornography's version of masculine intimacy looked like for Rob.
And then I found that thumbnail video of Carl ejaculating whilst masturbating, and I felt as if I'd hit the jackpot. Was there any more effective physical / sexual representation of masculine intimacy than this?
Not in my book.
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I attended a webinar this week partially executed by a company dubbed BrainTrust, and the presenter did an excellent job spelling out the rules of thumb regarding pulling off a successful real-time webinar (Skype / GoTo Meeting, etc.). But a few politically incorrect items he failed to point out were the obvious ones.
The majority of us look / sound like novices on-camera. And this is a fact that's almost impossible to mask sans professional training. Unfortunately, there's no auto-tune for Zoom or real-time deepfake software to shore us up. The camera / microphone doesn't lie, nor does it hide the blatant truth of what's being represented in front of that tiny lens.
In summary, there are only a tiny minority of individuals who have the goods for being really appealing / provocative / compelling on-camera / behind the microphone. And this is why there's so much money to be made in Hollywood.
And this points back to "Carl Hardwick" and a phrase I've been using for decades now whilst describing how fucked up Internet porn / photography has made my head. And that phrase is masculine archetype.
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Two more thoughts and I'll wrap this one up.
When Scott whipped it out during that particular Skype call, I watched in amazement as he masturbated there behind locked doors within his home's guest bedroom - on the other side of planet Earth. It was truly the most surreal moment of my life (up to that point). When he was finished, I felt used, and no closer to him than before. He'd made the comment to me, prior to pulling down his shorts, that he felt it was time to address "the elephant in the room".
It definitely represented a step backwards for our friendship for we'd already achieved a level of masculine intimacy that I was really enjoying basking in, but obviously for him, he was looking for something more. From there, he apologized a few days later, and we continued forward, picking up the pieces where we'd left off before his decision to unload.
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My Silas embodies a number of the - within normal range - physical traits of my masculine archetype, but the value of these attributes vary fluidly for me weekly, monthly, yearly. Inside of this man though, he's wired almost identically to me relative to my temperament. And it's this attribute that I lean into much more consistently relative to its take on what I consider to be masculine. Also, our educational backgrounds are similar, but more importantly than that, we have this shared appreciation / respect for our small town MS roots. And those roots humble us both, again, pointing back to temperament. Are you seeing my point here? What's inside this man is a nonnegotiable for me whereas the exterior packaging (in terms of importance) vacillates.
If my Silas were to whip it out as my former Aussie friend did all those years ago, I would decidedly tell him to zip up his pants, and here's why. I attempt to satisfy my longing for masculine intimacy just as I do any of my other longings. And despite my fervor, I unfortunately at times still do so via Internet porn (as described above). In line with this is what I know and understand of each methodology and its limitations / usefulness / purpose...dare I even say, for one, in particular, its sacredness?
So, in summary, I've got the cheap solution and the rich one to choose from, neither of which have successfully cross pollinated. Which is it gonna be? That's the question I have to ask myself most days.
In closing, thanks be to God for my dear, former friend, Scott. I have continued respect for all things Australian, having benefited from the kindness of this Christian man from Oz for +/-18 months of my life. My best friendship with him taught me how to trust another man with my heart, respect him despite personal differences / cultural implications, and ultimately, draw strength from him daily as a brother in Christ. It was one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences for me.
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