Feeling Invisible

I do not like working out in my garage, but I've been doing this since March, having put our YMCA membership in pandemic stasis.  The reasons behind my attitude towards this might seem obvious, but had I not obtained such a pleasant routine at the YMCA over the past 6 years, the degree of "do not like" would likely not be where it's at today.

The subtle attention I receive (& give) at the YMCA is one of the big reasons I miss it, whereas at home, there's none of that since it's just me.  Going to the same facility twice a week on mostly the same days provides an opportunity to see and be seen by folks who I'm used to seeing / are used to seeing me.  Now, I'm not one to socialize at the gym, but one can't help but take note of who's on the floor with you.  And I like that a lot.  It makes me feel seen.

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Feeling invisible eventually takes its toll on me, and that's the point of this post, but these feelings, I find, are rooted in either a changed narrative or a coveted one.  In other words, if you've always existed in a vacuum, you can skip this post.

To expound further, it would be as if I owned a workout facility in the basement of my house (I don't have a basement) that was exactly like the YMCA that only I'd ever used.

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I have three daughters, ages 17, 15, and 10.  When they were younger, their attention towards me was a nice gift.  Today, as you might imagine, that's diminished considerably.  Me being a male also plays into this in terms of me feeling invisible at times amongst the four ladies I live with day to day.  Females are so very different than males, and since this truth is played out for me - 4x over, it can feel quite isolating.  

Now, admitting to these feelings makes for an awkward (even for me) text.  I believe it makes me look weak, and that's when I find myself wanting something substantial (& familiar) to lean into.

One last familial anecdote that speaks specifically to Angie and I:

Over the past 4.5 months, my wife has been served well by both her husband (me) and her daughters.  It's been our privilege.  Yet it wasn't until this past weekend that she and I enjoyed some adult play that wasn't physically hindered by her post-stroke status.  Obviously, coitus isn't an activity that typically leaves you feeling isolated.  In fact, to the other extreme / opposite direction of that, it can at times almost completely levelize an asymmetrical relationship with ease, giving each party a fresh perspective.  No doubt, it was a nice change that I hope will continue forward.

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In closing...

Lakeside Pres is hosting a monthly book club within the church sanctuary, and we met there for +/-1 hour last night.  I'd been out running prior, therefore I was fine with social distancing (I stunk) on the far back pew.  After it was over, I discreetly slipped out of the building and drove home.  And this despite my desire to go about my usual routine at the end of any lecture I'm attending.  That being to head to the front of the space and thank the speaker(s), whilst shaking hands, in order to attempt to strike up a dialogue via my own personal inquiries regarding his / her presentation.  When I arrived home after a short jaunt, I sent some impersonal text messages before entering the Turner abode.

It didn't take but an hour or so for all this to make a distinct emotional impression.

Feeling invisible sucks, and frankly, I don't have much of a cure for it during these strange times we're living in.