Several

Back when Angie and I were first married (20+ years ago), a good friend of hers from college was slated to be married in Houston, TX, therefore we drove there for the nuptials and while Ang was at the early Saturday morn staging / bridesmaid brunch (the wedding was Saturday afternoon), I chose to use my time alone within a strange city not so wisely.

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I can remember one of my bosses alluding to me potentially finding a record of "hot tub sex" on his laptop's browser back in the early days of the www (dial up).  This occurred whilst asking him if I could borrow it to do some research for an architectural project I was working on.  He obviously didn't know how to clear the browsing history, and subsequently, he blamed his stepson for what I might stumble across, which I thought was both clever and cowardly.

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The adult bookstore I browsed through that day in Houston while Angie was across town at Second Baptist Church had one thing I wanted to experience, and that was the "back rooms" where you could screen porn within what can only be described as "porn stalls" (they're like makeshift ADA compliant bathroom stalls).  I'm not sure how I became familiar with these backrooms being in existence conceptually, but nonetheless, I was intensely curious.  Since this was well before the advent of the www, these backrooms served as an outlet for men to not only screen porn but to hook up with strangers as well (this latter purpose hadn't quite registered with me at the time).

I had visited my local adult bookstore here in Jackson on a few occasions, but I was not about to even inquire if they had a back room area for fear of looking even more perverted / bumping into someone I knew, but in Houston, TX, due to my anonymity, these concerns weren't valid.  Hence, my foray into the seediest, most despondent place I've ever found myself within - literally it's the closest thing I've experienced to hell on Earth in terms of the emotional fallout.

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So, why was I doing this on such a noteworthy Saturday while my wife was preparing to celebrate with her college friend?

I wanted to look at gay porn whilst satisfying my curiosity / rebellious itch.  It was as simple as that.  Plus, I felt empowered / predestined to do so.

And this did occur within one of those "porn stalls" prior to me making a discreet exit.  Thinking back on it now, it was similar to the time I skinny-dipped in our neighborhood swimming pool around 1 AM on a summer morning as a high school student.

After cleaning up (they conveniently provided paper towel dispensers), I decided to never, ever, ever do this again.  It was akin to stepping off into a cesspool of darkness, and the shame inducing clincher for me was the audacity of me willingly participating in these shenanigans behind my new wife's back - while she was at church nonetheless!

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I've had friends who've chosen to also venture down the same adult bookstore back room road that I just described, only to find themselves taking strangers with them back home for sex.

It can happen.  You get a lot of horny men together...within a setting like that...really dark outcomes can result.

And this leads me to our present circumstances relative to the www and the opportunities which abound for hook ups / porn use galore.  Right from the comfort of your own home / office.  But before I go there...

To circle back to my former boss and his stepson story, I never once believed he wasn't the culprit, but too, I didn't get the sense that it was more than a one-time affair.  Of course, I may have been wrong, but my hope is, even to this day, still intact.

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So what is the difference in a one-time event versus a several-time event?  I did title this post as such.

All of us take that first step into sinful behavior.  Whatever it may be.  This behavior is what defines us as fallen.  But its those who return back to that same behavior that are truly selling their souls (I'm convinced of it because I've done it!).

My dad has told me a story (on a few occasions) of him traveling on business as a young man, and taking the opportunity to consume pay-per-view porn within his hotel room.  Apparently, he was up most of the night as he took advantage of the privacy / convenience.  From there, he made a commitment to never return to that sinful behavior, and knowing my father, he kept that promise to himself from that point forward, knowing full well that sexual sin just isn't a problem for him and never will be.

When I was at my lowest point whilst working in Cleveland, MS, it was both the isolation as well as the gosh awful shame born out of - yet again - returning to Internet porn use.  Oh how much self-loathing I was in bondage to!  It was absolutely suffocating.  Hence, I was desperate for rescue and relief!

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Sometimes, we must get to that point.  That point where our "solution" literally begins to rip our souls in two in order for us to be in the very best place of desperation.  Desperation which precedes God's hand of impactful acting deliverance.

I have a Samson friend who I've known for many years now.  He's not active within the community but once was here in Jackson back when there was only one centralized group.  His communication with me is and has always been fragmented / sporadic, but nonetheless succinct and therefore enough to sustain the cursory relationship.  For quite some time, he's reached out to me during his lowest periods, and I've always been honored to lend an ear.  Whether it was related to his struggles with alcohol, his family, his health, work or his sexuality.

Last Friday, I received a call from him, having not heard anything for a few months.  He was in a tough spot again with his health and work.

So, I listened and we prayed.

But then later on during that same day, he disclosed the truth about where he actually was holistically (figuratively) as well as what he'd been up to since we last spoke.

And that's when my heart broke, and I found myself reliving vicariously those final months whilst in Cleveland, MS.  The sense of powerlessness was immense combined with the fear and desperate heartache for my rebellious brother.

And I'm still there in many ways, even as I type this.

There's something to be said - as human beings - for dabbling in sin.  It truly is what defines us like a viral infection that affects every part of our lives.  That being said, it's genuinely stupid and high risk yet very, very normal.  But it becomes altogether different when you commit yourself to that sinful behavior, forgetting these truths, returning again and again to choices which will ultimately lead to certain death.  May all of us see that slippery slope.  God help us all to long for redemption and rescue from ourselves before it's too late.