I was first and foremost a boy, and boys didn't cry when faced with circumstances that were simply par for the course / everyday life, etc. Like all boys, I knew this because of our culture as well as what I'd witnessed amongst my cousins / other extended family (being an only child). A precedent had been set for me as a young boy, and I wasn't about to fault it.
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My 3 girls all have teeth that require much professional attention (thanks to their DNA), therefore their mother and I take them to the exact same pediatric dental / ortho group in Jackson that she and I were taken to by our parents. What's interesting about this is the setting is absolutely no different than it was in the late 1980s (when my wife and I were children). Same exact building, interior finishes, decor. Even the people working there (for the most part) are also the same. It's like we're stepping back in time when we're in there with our kidlets.
I cannot underestimate the terror I felt as a boy regarding visiting the pediatric dentist, and it wasn't due to anything he'd / his staff had done or threatened to do to me. It was simply the clinical setting. Something about doctors / dentist offices absolutely terrified me as a child. And this did not begin to diminish 'till I was a teenager.
This morning, my middle daughter had her braces removed from her lower teeth, therefore I did the mandatory parental escorting, waiting, talking to the orthodontist, etc. at this aforementioned office. Thankfully, my daughters have had none of the anxiety that I experienced as a child at the pediatric dentist / orthodontist.
Now, let me explain just how bad it was for me.
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I slipped into the small bathroom off of the lobby as soon as we arrived this AM as my daughter checked herself in. It's a miniscule space (by today's standards), and whilst sitting on the throne to quietly urinate, I flashbacked to my childhood routine.
Typically, I'd start having stomach cramps / diarrhea at this same point 40 years ago (stepping foot inside the door of the lobby), and from there, I'd go back and forth (3 or 4 times) into and out of this same tiny bathroom 'till my name was called (usually within 15 minutes). My mother would wait patiently in those same vinyl upholstered chairs in the lobby that I sat in this morning throughout this gastrointestinal routine of mine.
But, I'd never complain or cry or express any of my negative feelings externally. Never. Instead, I kept it all bottled up inside because this is where I believed boys were supposed to keep their emotions - positive or negative. Hence, my stomach cramping and subsequent diarrhea served as my physiological reaction to said pain.
I desperately wanted to fall into line with my sex, so to speak, despite the fact that my body / mind were screaming otherwise. It literally felt as if I was being torn in two with my brain on one end and my bumhole on the other.
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It's easy to admire people who face their fears, but I'm often moreso impressed with those (especially men) who're willing to admit (with thoughtful precision) to them existing to begin with. Being able to articulate that well is so very not "man-like" (by our culture's standards / expectations).
And so there's the rub.
Where do men (Christian or pagan) like myself fall / land who struggle with lust / sexual sin, taking into consideration how foundational the notion is that we as males keep everything under the sun bottled up inside of us?
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Before I attempt to answer that, let's return to my earlier post, and the cultural expectations it presented.
Many, if not the majority of Christians (or not) would say (in light of what was detailed within the Part 1 of this post) that it never makes sense to "muddy the waters" that much further whilst taking into account a certain people group's "cultured" reputation. And this conclusion is drawn from the premise of "the greater good" as well as the notion of "not saying anything at all unless you have something good to say".
In other words, hold back on revealing your true sin nature specifics, and do this not to save your face but everyone in the group's (minority / sexual orientation, etc.) face. You catch my drift?
Though it sounds like a cop out towards personal cowardice, instead I believe it may point towards something that has happened / is happening that's instead fueling a distinct reaction in the opposing direction.
Eventually, bottled up problems force their way out into the light. Especially if they're tied to one's sin nature.
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As stated earlier, my anxiety / fear towards my dentist / orthodontist as well as all the clinicalness of the setting was managed by boy Rob in the worst possible way. That being through denial of what was actually going on inside of me. Therefore I managed it privately. As best I could with lots of toilet paper in hand and henceforth a very raw anus.
Today, sinners are finding an out for what they cannot control (sin nature) inside of themselves, and that out is a digitally connected community that's willing to listen to them "through / via the veil" of the www. And oftentimes that listening results in relationship(s) which may or may not result in an entirely different way of seeing sin for what it truly is. There's a real gamble there due to that veil, but to so many, that gamble is a risk worth taking in order to find some relief. And who can blame them?
And I believe this is the church's greatest liability to being relevant for these individuals (the majority of us) going forward. For it's the church that seemingly makes it too difficult to find sanctuary simply through firstly forgoing that denial that something is terribly wrong. And this is because there's no digital veil to hide behind at the local church. Hence, your reputation / your family's reputation / business, etc. is truly on the line if you choose to open up within that setting. Not to mention the fact that firsthand rejection is far worse than that which may occur within the digital realm (I speak from experience).
As I've stated before, I love the church, but I worry about how she's actively being positioned to take on this newfangled digital juggernaut called the World Wide Web. Where so often sinners do find temporary relief (freedom of expression) without considering the long term potential loss of any sanctimonious way finding.
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