Yesterday afternoon, the office was quiet. Everyone had left but me. I needed to finish up a few more things prior to Monday when it all starts again. Work. Work. Work. The never ending pursuit of making money through employment whether to someone else or for your own self. Got to get those bills paid and save up for retirement!
There are 2 PCs at my office that are unmonitored via Covenant Eyes, therefore they serve as opportunities for me to peruse Internet porn whilst there alone. Years ago, when the Internet began to become ubiquitous within white collar office settings, I would seize the opportunity to do this repeatedly. Whether it was over the weekend or after hours on weekdays, and even if for a few minutes.
Consuming Internet porn is cathartic for Rob. It's like smoking weed, I suppose. I cannot think of a more enjoyable, relaxing pursuit than browsing for smut online. So many of the images are strikingly beautiful and the unlimited amount of smut is such fun to parse through!
Back in 2013, I was terminated from my "dream job" due to my breaching my employer's information technology policy. Not only had I been surfing for porn (and subsequently masturbating at my desk), but I was writing a blog not unlike this one where I was recounting to the world my struggles with / bondage to sexual sin. That termination - how it was executed - was not unlike being raped emotionally. And through that violation, I became impregnated with a massive sense of worthlessness. For 18+ months, I struggled with PTSD. At my lowest point, I was suicidal.
Never have I experienced such emotional pain and hardship. It was devastatingly difficult to endure the ever demanding responsibilities of life through that nightmare.
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Prior to my termination, I was attempting to pursue friendships with Christian men within the small town setting we found ourselves within. We were members of a thriving Presbyterian Church, and I attended every early morning (monthly) men's prayer breakfast that was available to me. These were well attended, but stagnant in helping Rob make platonic connections. Plus, the build up of shame I was experiencing on every occasion I walked into that church was becoming very difficult to bear.
What I craved were friendships that were built on authenticity. I wanted men in my life that were willing to invest in me on a personal level. Men who were interested in my story and who would be willing to walk with me through that particular season / setting of life.
I remember writing a letter to the senior pastor of this church and asking for help. To be more specific, I needed some counsel relative to the issue of masturbation, being keenly interested in his take on that issue.
Unfortunately, he chose to shun me in lieu of reciprocating.
As you can imagine, this only made my situation more shameful. I felt like a martian at this point.
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Satan exists. He's the father of lies, and his goal is to kill all of us by concocting such theatrics within our individual lives that we eventually succumb to the ordinary. The routine. It's called settling, and I was fast approaching this particular resolve.
But then there's our Heavenly Father. He's in pursuit, working to counter our own lethargic selves / situational trappings as well as our number one Enemy, Lucifer.
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+/-9 months after being terminated from my job, I began to talk openly to my sweet wife about the repeated voices in my head that were saying, "Why Don't You Kill Yourself?", and thanks to her prompting me to talk with my father about said voices, I eventually found Samson Society.
And the rest is history.
I remember vividly the first Wednesday night I walked into a meeting. I remember both the excitement mixed with the shame regarding my story (recent failures as well as overall). I can still see the faces of so many men, all of which I admittedly longed to know better.
Those memories, from both that initial meeting as well as the countless others I've both attended and facilitated, carry me forward and serve to bind me to this ministry where relational accountability is uplifted and celebrated amongst men. This is why Samson Society is so important to me.
And no, I chose to not look at Internet porn yesterday at the office after hours.
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