My now old friend Bill was too scary for Rob during my freshman, sophomore, and most of my junior year in college, therefore I considered him only as an acquaintance, never once imagining him as a candidate for friendship. And considering that, had he not been an architecture school classmate, I would have left him in the dust. He was just way too inside himself, angry, and negative relative to the vibes he off gassed.
In high school, I'd attempted to be intentional about reaching out to classmates who were obviously in need of a friend, and more often than not, I found that other than being a temporary ally, I could do no more. I have to admit that as a believer, it was frustrating because I expected God to intervene on my timetable. In other words, I wanted to be privy to their situation improving, but more often than not, I was the one left in the dust, only to be frustrated and feeling slightly used.
I haven't had the privilege of running across too many "Bills" since my college days, but my experience between '90 and '95 with my (now) old friend gives me credence to not only look back in remembrance but to also contrast today's friendship (we have lunch regularly) with yesterday's long ago fear. Fear that I'll hopefully never forget, and for good reason.
Allow me to be more specific...
-------------------------
Back in 1990, Bill and I were freshmen at Mississippi State and, upon me first seeing him, it was obvious that he was unusually insecure, especially considering our shared, very demanding major. Eventually, I also came to know of his obsession. That being affirmation from females. There was nothing he desired more than to be affirmed by women he was attracted to, therefore he considered friendship with other guys to be of little value. Therefore he was by choice, a loner who was continually angry (primarily at himself but also his view of the world around him).
His personality was as follows. He didn't have too much to say, and was an obvious introvert (long before I knew what that word meant). And he was ashamed of his body. In particular, the fact that he was lanky, lean - certainly not athletically built. We'll just say awkwardly proportioned.
Eventually, I also unearthed the fact that he'd come from a rough public high school experience where he'd been the target of much ridicule over the previous years, growing up in small town south Mississippi.
And finally, he drove this piece of shit Izuzu pickup. Manual transmission. Glass packs. Hideous custom paint job (with chrome decals). What was he negatively thinking, (this question ran through my mind regularly) and how does anyone spend that amount of time doing just that?
After actually befriending Bill (during the second half of our college career), we took this piece of shit all over Starkville in search of cheap food (Bill loves pizza). Keep in mind that at that point, he was a very differently tempered young man altogether than what I've described here despite the fact that he did not lose any of his core quirkiness, much of which had been covered over before.
-------------------------
Fast forward to today.
Bill is now 46 (as am I), and he's seen a handful of psychiatrists / therapists through the years, taken some anti-depressants and anxiety meds and he's not at all ashamed of this. He (like myself) is married with children, works full-time and is a deacon at a local Baptist church. And keep in mind that I've also seen a handful of therapists myself! (Water seeks its own level.) I love this man like a brother.
This is what he shared with me at lunch last week regarding his former acquaintance (to Rob and most everyone else) self:
"I had to reach a point where I was fed up with feeling that way about myself and about my life, and I did this when I hit rock bottom. Therefore once that occurred, I changed everything I could in order to improve my negative thinking about myself, my situation, and all the bad circumstances from my past."
-------------------------
Why is this important?
Because it gives me access to a turning point in someone's history whom I know and love today but didn't even attempt to know back then, and this gives me hope and understanding for other men whom I know and love today who are still on the far / other side of that line.
Despite the fact that I'm no longer scared to relate (as best I can) to present day men who are seemingly as insecure as Bill once was, I need as much hope and understanding as I can attain, taken from Bill's story or otherwise. Again, and I cannot emphasize this enough, Bill was troubled by his situation, overall insecure in his manhood and in bondage to all types* of female affirmation. All of this I could not relate to on any level which only added to my fear and (presently - considering more recent friendships) worry, worry, worry.
*including pornography
I am indebted to my old friend Bill for showing me where I likely need to reside emotionally (relative to one particular present day friendship) through this portion of your pre-Rob story. What a gift.
God is faithful in using all kinds of unlikely means to enlighten us within the present relative to those he's placed within our circle of influence. Thanks be to God!
No comments:
Post a Comment