"The No Bull Briefing" - Samson Society Newsletter - March 2023

 

THE NO BULL BRIEFING - March 2023

Want to Be a Better Silas? Join us on Saturday, April 15 from 9-11 AM CT for our first of three opportunities this year to learn how to deepen your relationship with other men as you journey together down The Path. Register today to learn how to journey beyond the mask with TrueFace President and CEO Robby Angle. And hop on over to listen to this Pirate Monk Podcast episode featuring a conversation between Aaron and Robby.  REGISTER Nate Visits the Pure Desires Podcast A significant challenge men and women face in recovery is image management—the attempt to control how they are perceived by others. This can be even more challenging for those in the church. Nate Larkin visits the Pure Desires Podcast to discuss what motivates this desire for image management. We talk about how to identify when we slip into image management, the pitfalls of it, and ways we can avoid or step out of image management. LISTEN Calling 350 Samson Men to Step Up and Show Up In celebration of our tenth national event, Samson Society is throwing a party in Van, Texas the first weekend in November with The Place We Find Ourselves podcast host Adam Young.   The gauntlet has been thrown and a challenge has been given: we must have 350 men register for this event. We are currently approximately 20% of the way to that total, but we know with nearly 18,000 men registered through the Samson website and over 2,600 men on Slack this shouldn't be a difficult ask. Help us make this happen by making sure to share the event in the Samson meeting(s) you attend and by inviting other men to attend this weekend retreat! REGISTER Are You a Recovery Coach? Let Us Know! As the Samson Society continues to grow, we are committed to helping men reach higher levels of healing in their journey of recovery. We are in the process of creating an in-house directory of recovery coaches for Samson men to use as they seek deeper insight into the barriers and obstacles keeping them from finding freedom. If you are a licensed recovery coach or professional counselor, please let us know. Email us your contact information, credential information, and any other information such as specialized areas of focus you would like included in this directory. Febuary 2023 Meeting Host & Sub Winner Thank you Marck Heinrich for hosting the in-person McKinney Samson meeting! We would like to give you a one-time 25% discount in the Samson swag store as a thank you for donating your time and talents! Please check your email inbox for your discount code. Each month we will draw one name, so be sure to complete the host form online every time you host or sub a meeting to be entered in to the drawing. You receive one entry for each time you host or sub during the month. Become a Sustaining Member of Samson House Samson House exists solely for the advancement of Samson Society. In order to keep Samson Society free, we need individuals committed to providing monthly financial gifts. We do not have dues, but we do have expenses. While we were thrilled to reach our matching gift fundraiser goal in December (which helped us meet end-of-year financial needs), the financial exigencies of our organization continue year-round. Please consider becoming a monthly financial contributor to Samson House, and help us keep the (metaphorical) lights on.   DONATE Regional Retreat Opportunities Planning a regional Samson retreat? Let us know at samsonhouseoffice@gmail.com or drop it on the #upcoming_event channel on Slack so we can help you spread the word! LEARN MORE Join us for this year’s Blue Ridge Retreat with the Samson Society, July 27-30, 2023 in Bryson City, North Carolina. Come enjoy the community, honesty and vulnerability of sharing your story with other Samson brothers who are looking to connect and heal.  The cost for this retreat is $425. This price includes lodging for three nights, excellent food and beverages, training materials, an opportunity to hear other men’s stories, as well engage your own story in a safe and attuned way. For more information, contact Chris Inman at chris@np-recovery.com REGISTER LEARN MORE Monthly Resource Corner Each month, Samson Society will promote a resource that you may find helpful on your journey. Feel free to share any podcast episodes, blog posts, books, or documentaries that you find enlightening!  Exploring Shame, Story, & Renewed Desire A free teaching video designed by Chuck DeGroat, SEEN, KNOWN & LOVED is a four-video series that invites you to experience God's curious and generous invitation in the three questions in Genesis 3: Where are you? Who told you? What are you hungry for? Made in and for relationship, we somehow lost the plot-line, settling for a story of hiddenness and shame. God doesn't add to our shame, but invites us to go beneath the surface of our lives, exploring the burdens we carry, identifying the voices that define us, opening to deeper desire. LEARN MORE Connect with us on social media! DONATE

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Poem From A Bleak Place - Jason Moore

This inner nausea takes flight.

A familiar tone to the voice

I’m hurt and alone tonight

My actions come down to a choice.

I can see blood under my skin

Clenching my fists in hurt

The deafening tone of sin

The weight of this shameful shirt.

A plea for mercy tonight

A sacrifice to worship my king

I try to maintain my strength for this fight

A struggle to praise and sing.

"Momma's Been Married Five Times."

A few weekends back, I had lunch with a friend from church as an embarrassingly tardy follow-up.  He's one of those (surprisingly cool) middle-aged men who's a contrarian (taking his own upbringing into consideration) relative to his marriage / rearing of his own children.

When he and I dined together initially (pre-pandemic - 2019? - I honestly can't recall exactly), I vaguely remember him chatting a fair amount about his devout Christian mother.  He likely mentioned (the embarrassing truth) her marital track record then, but it must have blown past Rob without registering.  More than likely, I simply had forgotten about this curiosity.  Or perhaps, I felt a pity overflow (for him), and therefore simply refused to allow it to stick.  Considering this latter assumption, I cannot underestimate the fact that today, he presents himself as a really nice guy who simply found himself (as a boy) within the line of fire as a result of his mother's issues.

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I have a deceased uncle whose second wife (& mother to three of my cousins) is now married to husband #6 or maybe #7.  She's - at present - essentially estranged from some (if not all) of her three children due to this chronic romantic recklessness.  

Back in the early '80s, she was repeatedly unfaithful (with her eventual second husband) to my uncle which subsequently resulted in their divorce.  

There's a story that I've heard my father (& another deceased uncle - my dad's younger brother) reminisce about relative to some of her infidelity hijinks during this time.  It has to do with the two of them accompanying their brother (her then husband) on an "adultery stakeout" in small town Mississippi.  The punchline zeroed in on her large breasts stalling her from escaping out of her lover's bathroom window (supposedly topless) in reaction to her husband (my suspecting uncle) banging on the front door.  

I recall the first time (+/-15 years ago) I heard my dad and his younger brother awkwardly retell this heartbreaking tale.  For everyone knew that it was her husband's punitive - after the fact - physical reaction (he assaulted her) that gave her clear legal credence to ultimately file for divorce (& gain custody of my cousins).  From there, their beautiful three boys were gone forever.

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I never really thought about / considered women being compulsive sex consumers until I became involved in Samson Society.

Years ago, a former parishioner at Lakeside Pres was referred to me (as the then facilitator of the Lakeside Pres Samson Society group).  He and I had dined casually once prior, but circumstances being what they were now, our second sit-down was not at all as jovial as the first.  As a result, he agreed to attend his first (& only) Saturday morning meeting.

The first statement out of his mouth was (during share time):  "My wife is a sex addict.  That's why I'm here."

That's the one and only time I've ever heard a guy make that statement within all the hundreds and hundreds of Samson meetings I've attended since August of 2014.  

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I've known of a few older Samson guys who've married much younger (& understandably hornier) women.  Youth = vitality (particularly as it relates to libido).

But that's not what I'm attempting to address here.  This has more to do with women who've allowed sex to become perpetually disproportioned relative to its influence / relevance within a romantic relationship.  And what makes this so weird to wrap one's brain around has to do with how the majority of women approach sex overall.

Sexual activity for a woman is 99% of the time rooted in the notion of security.  Even if it's an illusion or fantasy.  

Women participate in intercourse believing for those few minutes that their lover is their "knight in shining armor".  It's a powerfully securing experience for them that promulgates feminine orgasm.  Anatomically, with men "going into" women with their penises, the act itself demonstrates this consensual act.  Otherwise, it's rape / assault.

As such, sex for women is never cheap because their heart (either literally or fantastically) is involved each and every time it occurs.

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But there are those women - no doubt - who're moreso like (some) men regarding sexual perspective.  Hence, it has become a methodology or technique to control / use / abuse, and as such, they themselves see no need for being "protected" / "heart connected" by / to their lover.  Instead, it's simply a pleasurable experience that satiates their horniness for such a time as that.  And this drives them onward, brandishing their seductiveness to whomever they wish to use within their orbit.

To me, this is an ugly description, but especially so if it happens to be your momma.  Yuck.

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In closing, when I worked at Delta State University in 2013, I had the good fortune of befriending one of my employees - to the degree that I circumstantially (conflict of interest) could.  He was an absolutely beautiful (physically & emotionally) pagan man with such a sweet spirit.  I was so fortunate to know him for those fast-moving twelve months.

What truly drew us together was him choosing to (reluctantly) answer my questions about his upbringing there in the Mississippi Delta.  And part of that commentary inevitably centered on his mother.  

This man had no issue labeling her a "whore".  This was shocking to hear, but nevertheless, he described how pervasive her routine was at bedding men throughout the impoverished region during his growing up years.  

I imagine, taking his physical appearance into consideration, that she likely had been equally as attractive in her own right.

After Rob was fired from that institution in September of 2013, Angie and I did share one last meal with my work friend and his wife.  Afterwards, he and I sat out on his patio, and I awkwardly shared my story (to the best of my ability at the time).  

From there, we quickly lost touch as our family returned to the Jackson Metro.

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The Bible addresses the women I'm attempting to describe here.  One of the most famous is actually within the lineage (bloodline) of Jesus (she was a prostitute).  

I know so little about what promulgates women like this, yet I've seen firsthand the tremendous suffering / shame their own sexual brokenness can cause.  It brings me pause, furthering my respect for men who carry this matriarchal legacy with them - day after day.

"Inherently Broken" - JR Everhart

I recently spent some time dating an old friend.  She is a great gal ,and I'd hoped to try and take it slow, not mentioning sex at any point unless she brought it up.  

In all honesty, I didn’t even make it two days before steering the conversation towards sex talk.  My curiosity just wouldn’t settle down.  In reaction to this, she was very polite, all the while making it clear that she wasn’t ready for us to broach that topic.  I affirmed this, but my desire to chat about sex only went into pause.  My rationale was as follows:  I’d give it another day or two of deep conversations before testing the sexual waters again.  As a result, I was met with the same polite response:  Not yet.  As described, this manipulative, insensitive cycle continued for a next week and a half.

Today, she is no longer answering my messages.  And I know exactly why, and I don’t blame her!  With everything women have to deal with in the dating scene, the last thing they need is a guy like me who genuinely wants to be a good guy but is still continually struggling with lust.  BUT, this has encouraged me to take part in a self-inventory.  Especially since my wounded response resulted in me taking a deep dive back into porn to comfort the rejection I was feeling. 

I know deep down I’m not inherently broken.  But it sure feels that way.  Honestly, I’ve worn my brokenness like some sort of badge of honor for the last couple years.  Like being aware of my brokenness and having dedicated the last 10 years of my life to try and fix that brokenness makes me special somehow. It does not!  I’m less jacked up now than I was ten years ago, but I’m still obviously, very jacked up!  Jesus can save me from my sin and the death it carries with it, but he’s not transformed me into an obedient robot / reprogrammed my behavior.  That’s my responsibility.  His work on the cross was enough.  Do I somehow think it surely wasn’t because I can’t seem to walk in obedience, practicing the principles I urge others to adhere to within various recovery circles?  No, that’s the behavior of a hypocrite and honestly feels like a cop out.  As a result of this fallout, I know now to better connect with my recovery circles and practice more discipline in my daily time with God.  I fully understand that the more I connect with the Bible and my Christian brothers, the less I struggle.  But I’m not as consistent with those things as I should be.  Whose fault is that?  Mine!  It’s Roman’s 7 all over again. 

All that being said, I get exhausted from the fight and become lazy.  I get bored of hearing the same recovery principles taught, talked about, or shared in meetings.  And if I’m honest, I struggle that way with the Bible - rereading the same stuff over and over - too.  So here I am, after ten years of VERY hard work on myself, I still can’t maintain a normal dating relationship without derailing it via my sexual desires.  I’ve waited and been patient; I’ve prayed and done everything I could do to allow God to fix me, yet here I am only feeling 13.5% better than 10 years ago.  I’ve abstained from sex for over 2 1/2 years now since my divorce.  I’ve only had sex with one woman in the last 10 years and that was my ex-wife.  And it’s been zero fun!  Now I’m so "fixed" and "enlightened" that all I can see in 99.9% of the women I try to date is their own brokenness.  This does nothing for my libido.  And frankly, I’m tired of capitulating to broken women just to see them walk away to someone else.  I simply would like to say, “I’m the guy that did all that work with you, and you can’t show a little grace toward my freaky sexual desires?”  Are you starting to see the toxicity in my thinking? *facepalm* But it’s how I feel sometimes…

It’s like I’m stuck in Bizzaro world.  On the one hand, I’m too healed to qualify (any longer) for “player sex”, yet too broken to be taken seriously by any decent Christian woman.  So now what???  I stay the course and keep mining for those gold nuggets of grace.  Those nuggets that capitalize on my paid-for value in the face of my brokenness.  Ultimately, I know Jesus sees me as reconciled to the father through him. 

But what about the beautiful and intelligent friend I was trying to build something with?  Those regrets are still laying on my plate.  Acknowledging that, I might as well grab a fork and dig in, even if it’s the last thing I want to do. 

Lagniappe