I recently spent some time dating an old friend. She is a great gal ,and I'd hoped to try and take it slow, not mentioning sex at any point unless she brought it up.
In all honesty, I didn’t even make it two days before steering the conversation towards sex talk. My curiosity just wouldn’t settle down. In reaction to this, she was very polite, all the while making it clear that she wasn’t ready for us to broach that topic. I affirmed this, but my desire to chat about sex only went into pause. My rationale was as follows: I’d give it another day or two of deep conversations before testing the sexual waters again. As a result, I was met with the same polite response: Not yet. As described, this manipulative, insensitive cycle continued for a next week and a half.
Today, she is no longer answering my messages. And I know exactly why, and I don’t blame her! With everything women have to deal with in the dating scene, the last thing they need is a guy like me who genuinely wants to be a good guy but is still continually struggling with lust. BUT, this has encouraged me to take part in a self-inventory. Especially since my wounded response resulted in me taking a deep dive back into porn to comfort the rejection I was feeling.
I know deep down I’m not inherently broken. But it sure feels that way. Honestly, I’ve worn my brokenness like some sort of badge of honor for the last couple years. Like being aware of my brokenness and having dedicated the last 10 years of my life to try and fix that brokenness makes me special somehow. It does not! I’m less jacked up now than I was ten years ago, but I’m still obviously, very jacked up! Jesus can save me from my sin and the death it carries with it, but he’s not transformed me into an obedient robot / reprogrammed my behavior. That’s my responsibility. His work on the cross was enough. Do I somehow think it surely wasn’t because I can’t seem to walk in obedience, practicing the principles I urge others to adhere to within various recovery circles? No, that’s the behavior of a hypocrite and honestly feels like a cop out. As a result of this fallout, I know now to better connect with my recovery circles and practice more discipline in my daily time with God. I fully understand that the more I connect with the Bible and my Christian brothers, the less I struggle. But I’m not as consistent with those things as I should be. Whose fault is that? Mine! It’s Roman’s 7 all over again.
All that being said, I get exhausted from the fight and become lazy. I get bored of hearing the same recovery principles taught, talked about, or shared in meetings. And if I’m honest, I struggle that way with the Bible - rereading the same stuff over and over - too. So here I am, after ten years of VERY hard work on myself, I still can’t maintain a normal dating relationship without derailing it via my sexual desires. I’ve waited and been patient; I’ve prayed and done everything I could do to allow God to fix me, yet here I am only feeling 13.5% better than 10 years ago. I’ve abstained from sex for over 2 1/2 years now since my divorce. I’ve only had sex with one woman in the last 10 years and that was my ex-wife. And it’s been zero fun! Now I’m so "fixed" and "enlightened" that all I can see in 99.9% of the women I try to date is their own brokenness. This does nothing for my libido. And frankly, I’m tired of capitulating to broken women just to see them walk away to someone else. I simply would like to say, “I’m the guy that did all that work with you, and you can’t show a little grace toward my freaky sexual desires?” Are you starting to see the toxicity in my thinking? *facepalm* But it’s how I feel sometimes…
It’s like I’m stuck in Bizzaro world. On the one hand, I’m too healed to qualify (any longer) for “player sex”, yet too broken to be taken seriously by any decent Christian woman. So now what??? I stay the course and keep mining for those gold nuggets of grace. Those nuggets that capitalize on my paid-for value in the face of my brokenness. Ultimately, I know Jesus sees me as reconciled to the father through him.
But what about the beautiful and intelligent friend I was trying to build something with? Those regrets are still laying on my plate. Acknowledging that, I might as well grab a fork and dig in, even if it’s the last thing I want to do.
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