Samson Society - The "No Bull" Briefing - March 2022

 

THE NO BULL BRIEFING - March 2022 We Have Merch! We are excited to announce that Samson Society now has a merchandise store with items ranging from drinkware to apparel and accessories. Visit the store today and show your Pirate Monk pride! Don't see what you want? More items will be added to the store soon, so drop us a line to let us know what you'd like to see available for sale.  Share Your Samson Story Nate Larkin is working on the second edition of Samson and the Pirate Monks.  This revised and expanded edition will feature dozens of real stories contributed by members of the Samson Society. Nate is looking for brothers who are willing to add their own redemption story to the collection.  Here are the guidelines: Each story must be a true account of personal experience Each story should focus on a single crisis, issue, breakthrough, or insight Stories should be 750-1500 words in length Submissions will be edited for clarity and brevity Authors may give their real name or choose to be anonymous. If you are willing to share the lessons of your experience with readers around the world, drop a line today to submissions@samsonhouse.org and let us know that you intend to participate. The Story of Trying a Triad When I went to my first Samson Society meeting I knew what I was getting into, but I was reluctant to engage in a Silas relationship. I had two tapes playing in my head: “Check in every day?! C’mon, you can’t even talk to God every day. You’ll never be able to do it. You’ll be marked as a non-compliant wanna-be.” And the other one went something like this: “You don’t need a Silas. You can do this on your own. Just keep this between you and God. Anyway, how’s that guy going to help, he’s here for the same reason you are.”  Okay, full disclosure, I was partially right on the first one - I suck at daily check-ins, but I was dead wrong about the possibility of recovery without a Silas. The Silas relationship isn’t a recovery option, it is an essential. Once I swallowed hard and asked Walt to be my Silas, I discovered why it is central to the Samson Path. That said, after a few years of check-ins, irregular as they may have been, I was wanting more, looking for some sort of next step in my recovery. I discovered Walt was too.  I wondered if adding a third and making it a triad of Silases might be that little something extra - you know, that cord of three strands thing. My thought was to increase availability, accountability, and add another perspective. Maybe that would spice things up a bit and enhance all of our recovery efforts. There would be no Silee, we would each function as Silas/Silee with each other, all responsible for daily check-ins. We decided to give it a go and we added Lonnie. Now after two years of doing a Silas Triad we can confidently affirm it works. Here are the takeaways from our Silas Triad experiment: • It is a good enhancement after a year or two of the traditional model. Our reasoning is it takes a while to get used to checking in with a Silas, trust the system, and value the process. Before it gets stale, switch to the triad. • It is harder to fall into a rut of same-old-same-old check-ins. • It is harder to BS two guys. • The shared wisdom of three is far more impactful. • When one is struggling, the encouragement of two is also more impactful. • One out of the three will always be available, making an in-the-heat-of-the-moment live check-in more doable. After some trial-and-error, we settled in on daily three-way text check-ins (we still fail at “daily” but grace abounds), an extended phone call every 2-3 weeks, and an in-person get-together once a quarter-ish, either at a local restaurant or one of our backyard fire pits because we live relatively close to one another. The traditional check-in model is: "This is what I'm feeling...thinking...doing...and thinking of doing." We have modified that, adding ND (which stands for “not doing”), Trig (which stands for “triggers”), and PFM (which is, how you can “Pray For Me”). Here’s what a typical text check-in will look like: → F - I’m feeling tired and stressed → T - about how far behind I am at work → D - nothing bad but last night I was SO close to the ditch → ToD - checkin in with you guys more frequently - I need it → ND - I need to call when I’m super tempted but I don’t → Trig - girls at work in spring dresses AARRGH! → PFM - relational warmth between my wife and me More often than not the text check-in takes about 90 seconds and responses about 30 seconds just to let the sender know he's been heard. Longer feedback is always appreciated. The periodic three-way phone call takes about 60 minutes, and the get-together is an evening. If your Silas relationship is getting stale, or if you’ve cycled through several Silases, try the Silas Triad, it just might do the trick.  Drop me a line with questions and feedback. If I get enough I’ll update everyone in a future NBB: Tom Moucka, tom@samsonhouse.org Ciao Amico! Do you sometimes find yourself acting or reacting in immature ways? Does conflict with your partner sometimes degenerate into childish language or behavior? In this retreat, Nate Larkin and Kaka Ray will explore what it takes to "grow up" into free and fully integrated adulthood, capable of connecting deeply with another person. Join us in Italy from October 7-9, 2022, for a weekend retreat. Find out more information or save your spot today by clicking here. Regional Retreat Opportunities Planning a regional Samson retreat? Let us know at samsonhouseoffice@gmail.com or drop it on the #upcoming_event channel on Slack so we can help you spread the word! 2023 Mega Retreat Team The planning for our 2023 Mega Retreat is under way, but we can still use your help! Let us know if you are interested in volunteering on any of the following crews: Location Crew  Registration Crew Transportation Crew Set-Up Crew A/V Crew Communications Crew Swag Crew Talent Crew Sales & Marketing Crew Email us at samsonhouseoffice@gmail.com and be a part of making history for Samson! Also: Mark your calendars for this year's annual men's retreat! It will be in Eva, Tennessee the first weekend in November. We hope to see you there. Monthly Resource Corner Each month, Samson Society will promote a resource that you may find helpful on your journey. Feel free to share any podcast episodes, blog posts, books, or documentaries that you find enlightening! Email us at samsonhouseoffice@gmail.com. In a world in which we experience such deep desire and such great grief, we find coursing through all of it our unquenchable longing to be known. The Being Known podcast, hosted by Dr. Curt Thompson and Pepper Sweeney, is a podcast about forming deep relationships, discovering meaning and living with integrated creativity. The new series that launched a few weeks ago, focuses on looking at trauma through the lens of hope instead of fear.⁠ Hope for those who know what trauma is up close and personal, as well as for those who may have little to no idea that they have encountered it, let alone that others have. And that hope is ultimately to be found in Jesus, who appears to have made it his mission to redeem trauma wherever he finds it. ⁠Part of that redemptive process includes our telling the story of trauma as truly as we can—so that evil doesn’t get to have the last word. ⁠ Give it a listen and discover what it means to be truly known, exploring the intersection of interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB) and Christian spiritual formation.  The podcast is available to listen on any of the following platforms: Apple Podcasts Amazon Music Spotify Stitcher Support Samson House Year-Round The end-of-year matching fundraiser was a phenomenal success! However, as Samson House continues to grow and expand our reach, our budgetary needs continue to expand as well. Monthly giving helps keep us afloat throughout the year. Consider supporting Samson House by pledging a monthly gift. Give $54 a month and you will receive a coffee mug in the mail and the rights to boldly assert your membership to our Mug Club! If your current giving makes you a member of the mug club, but you have yet to receive a mug in the mail from us, please contact us and we will correct this oversight. DONATE

Pay Heed To The Reactionary Brain But (Whilst Appropriate) Refuse To Yield To It.

Fight or flight.  You've heard that term.  It represents how the reactionary brain responds to situations that pose a threat to it.  

Typically, the reactionary portion of our brain lies dormant 'till we're in need of some immediate reaction, but there are times when it kicks in unbeknownst to us as a result of unintentional (or intentional) re-traumatization of some sort.

Keyword here is re-traumatization.  Repeat.  Rerun.  Redo.  

Let's say you were reared by a belligerent, intimidating, control-freak father who abandoned you at birth, agreeing instead for you to be reared by his in-laws (your grandparents) within the same small town where he resides.  You do see him & his new honey on occasion (every other weekend), but you're no doubt on his watch (schedule) throughout.  Therefore, even clothes shopping with him (as a teenage boy) is stressful, seeing how he monitors the clock constantly, rushing you through a process that's not meant to be rushed.  Hence, please allow this short descriptor to serve as a glimpse into the circumstances which resulted in the emotional trauma.

Now, fast forward +/-20 years and you're a strapping young man with a beautiful wife and two lovely daughters, but you don't realize just how susceptible / vulnerable you are to re-traumatization in this regard because you don't recognize it as such.  Instead, all you see is "how things always were with my dad".  And you take this approach because ultimately, you don't want to do the work needed to analyze your asshole father relationally / circumstantially.  We all know that thorough analysis takes time.  But, in your mind, that's time better spent doing other things.  Things that don't seem so superfluous.  Yet, in the end, it's your laziness that destroys both opportunity and friendships as re-traumatization occurs.  And, at times, in the most clandestine of situations when you least expect it to.

The takeaway here is to do the work.  Especially as you're seeing more and more collateral damage result.  The relational corpses are pleading with you here.

Those Times I Did Not Die For Being So Normal

I've documented this prior within previous posts, and I'll say it again.  When I was a teenager, my parents' home at 197 St. Augustine Dr. had the most publicly accoladed landscaping / hardscaping within our 'hood.  The summers, in particular, is when its beauty peaked.  Bob & Darlene poured hours and hours each weekend (during the Spring / Summer months) into keeping it perfectly manicured.  

Their house's lot was on a prominent corner, therefore that 50% of frontage provided ample opportunities for gawkers to inspect.  And even our backyard was easily viewable from the street, thanks to the traditional picket fence gapping.  But upon nightfall, like most backyards of its day, it was bathed in darkness unless there happened to be moonlight to illuminate one's surroundings.  

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I've no idea where my idea to masturbate in the backyard originated from.  Back in the late '80s, I'd no access to "solo sex" videos / photos of guys masturbating by a pool or sprawled out on a bed.  But I do believe there was an instinctual pull towards unabashedly presenting my scrawny frame towards the heavens, all the while taking a wait & see approach as to whether or not I might be struck dead for doing so.  

All and all, there's no denying that I did want to take enough of a calculated risk to experience the ramp up in intensity (excitement) that I expected therein.  And when I refer to that specific risk, my only fear was being shamed by my father (upon getting caught).  

Years earlier (during middle school), my dad had covertly spied on me in my room in an attempt to catch me semen-handed.  And he achieved success.  From there, he intensely shamed me for masturbating while I believed to have been home alone.  Therefore, a precedent had definitely been set if I were to be caught (again) doing this, yet not only did I feel it worth the risk of facing Robert, Sr. again, but too some semblance of newfound dignity needed to be cultivated via this risk.  Dignity that harkened back to what I atmospherically referenced earlier. 

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The absolute weirdest truth to how the majority of fathers rear sons is their insistent avoidance to extensively / unashamedly dialogue relative to masturbation.  Dads simply refuse to discuss it.  They'll tell you from one end of the spectrum to the other what their experience is / has been with every other topic under the sun, but they'll never mention one word about masturbation.  Why is this?  What is the big deal?

My only guess is there's so much implied shame baked into the topic that the thought of broaching the subject feels monumentally emasculating.  And this especially seems to be the case if the man is in any way religious.  

On the opposing side of this instructional vacuum is the MIND-BLOWING PLEASURE that's at the fingertips of every adolescent boy.  A pleasure that's fueled by his physical self as it rapidly & awkwardly develops into a man. 

But I digress.

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Summer nights is when I mainly remember sneaking out the back door of my parents' abode to masturbate on the wooden swing (which was within 50' of the rear facade of the house).  

What's hilarious (to me) about these numerous escapades is what I chose to wear.  

For Xmas one year, I had received an extremely lightweight, just barely over the knee, cotton bathrobe.  The fabric was graced with a tightly repetitive candy-striped pattern, and it had a matching tie looped in around the waist.  This along with a pair of flipflops was my attire (until it wasn't).   

What was it about being buck naked on that swing in the dark, gazing up at the stars?

I think it was my way of getting out from underneath the ignorance of my earthly father, and from there, attempting to make peace with myself under the watchful eye of my heavenly father.  Or, to loop back to what I commented on prior, it was my attempt to find my dignity in spite of a familial situation that had taken it from me.

In closing, these adolescent experiences proved to me that sexual release does not have to be tied to sexual fantasy / lust.  And this was a marked truth that's remained with me to this day.

The Dragon Isn't "Pleasure". It's "Pleasure Via The Illusion Of Control". This Is Our Fallen Hearts' Deepest Desire, & It Is The Greatest Of Enemies Against The Gospel. Think Of Those Moments As Disobedient Dates With The Devil.

"I Touch You First. Then You Have Permission (Maybe) To Touch Me."

Whilst providing commentary early on during the weekend, I made this statement during the February Samson Society regional retreat that I attended in Gulf Shores, AL, and understandably, it freaked everyone out a bit.  These retreats are about bringing individually prepared stories (of blessing & of harm) to the group setting prior to formally presenting (reading) each.  There're no more than 15-18 Samson guys in attendance at these, therefore the scale isn't too overwhelming, especially if you're not a newbie (which I wasn't).

Friday, (2/18) afternoon, I arrived at the retreat location around 3:30 PM.  The Airbnb that Chris & Kris had reserved for our group was nicely situated between the Gulf and Bay.  It was quiet enough for us with plenty of chilly Gulf breeze to remind us of our proximity to the water.  

Upon making my way inside, I arbitrarily chose a bunk on the top floor of the elevated structure within a room that could easily sleep six within three metal-tube framed bunkbeds.  After putting some clothes in the washer downstairs (I'd already been on the AL roadways during the latter half of the week), I made my way back upstairs to unpack my things for the weekend.  And this is when I met my newfound friend, Ben.

Ben also chose a bunk within the six-man capable room I was now situated in, and he looked absolutely nondescript.  So much so in fact that it was almost as if he was wanting to be invisible yet, of course, still very much present.

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Interrogation is my strong suit.  I know it's a trait that was honed during my architectural career.  Back in the day (early involvement within Samson Society), I was dubbed "The Dentist" for good reason.  Drilling down seemingly comes easy for Rob.  

Why take this approach?  Self-protection.  It's a technique that allows me to vet individuals with laser precision relative to their threat level.

Threat-level?

That's a figure of speech, but there's some truth (still) to it.

When I first stepped foot into a Jackson, Mississippi Samson Society group back in August of 2014, I was overwrought emotionally.  Blanched.  Spent.  Played out.  Languishing.  Punished.  Beat up.  Therefore, I, by default, began asking questions.  Lots of questions of everyone around me (within that first group).  It was all I knew relative to protecting myself from further harm.  Think of it as a defense mechanism disguised as curiosity.  

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Ben was middle-aged like myself, and immediately, he reminded me of someone from my past due to both his vocal inflections / tone and build.  That person being a neighbor who understandably rejected me (almost two decades ago) upon gaining (I chose to divulge) a cursory understanding of my sexuality.  Hence, I allowed myself to see Ben (to some degree) as such, thereby giving myself permission to lay down my defenses (having long ago privately forgiven this individual), taking into consideration this weirdly doppelganger reboot-like experience.   

There was a somewhat quiet mezzanine space within the Airbnb that Ben and I spent time together on both Saturday and Sunday mornings prior to group time (around 9 AM both days).  He drank his coffee while I sipped ice water out of my insulated cup.  The leather sofa and loveseat provided us with a cozy spot that wasn't too private.  And our time together felt equal which was very cool.

Now let me expound on that statement.

Ben was / is where I was (somewhat) in August of 2014, yet he's not so determined to shield himself by being intrusive.  

So what's the point of this tribute to the regional retreat?

I've been serving Ben as his Silas for a few weeks now, and ever since Monday of this week, he's been serving as my Silas.

Ben represents my third long-distance Silee (he lives in Atlanta), but what's unique to our relationship, & subsequently has been really helpful this time around, is the relational foundation that was laid during the retreat.  I simply cannot underestimate that opportunity enough. 

If you're willing to travel, participating within these retreats is yet another opportunity for God to work in and through your life as a Samson guy.  This is why they're very important to me.

Plus, there's something quite special about bringing your own self to a newly formed group, made up of individuals from far and wide.  Therein, it's easy to drop your guard and simply enjoy the experience with little to no fear.  

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