The 14-Year Disappointment

This past weekend, I dropped in on a former friend who also happens to live within our 'hood.  Keep in mind that we'd only seen each other in passing over the past 14 years simply due to proximity / logistics (our neighborhood is not large), and more often than not, I refused to even make eye contact due to the discomfort his presence caused me.  

My reason for dropping in was obligatory, but what I wasn't expecting from him was his warm welcome on this Sunday afternoon.  He ushered me into his living room, and despite the fact that we immediately got down to business, I could sense that he didn't want me to rush in the least.  What was reconciling too was returning to that very space.  His living room.  That's where our friendship had last left off.

As a result of this juncture, it was apparent to me that the fly in our platonic ointment had somehow been seemingly removed.  Therefore, I took hope from this reboot relative to my rejection scar eventually healing up completely.

And to top it off, he agreed to my formal request (tied to why exactly I was there to begin with).  So, all in all, I walked out very different than I had walking in.  

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In looking back on this tonight, I believe my former friend's change in outlook relative to my value (to him) as a human being was tied to me proving him wrong.  And this was in regards to me having been faithful (in spite of his unbelief in me being able to do so) to who I set out to be (in his eyes) 14 years prior. 

I remember distinctly my former friend / neighbor having an awful lot of baggage (as did I) that he brought with him into the relationship when we were both so much younger.  And it was baggage that he at least wasn't willing to explore / unpack with me at the time.  And unfortunately (or fortunately), I found this out via a swift decoupling.

This guy was intelligent too.  And we had similar interests.  Close to the same age, etc.

It sucked to see this relational schism occur, but I prayed for reconciliation nonetheless.  I just had no legitimate ill will against this man.  I could not discount his hurt despite how he hurt me.

Who would have thought reconciliation would actually someday occur?  

I know we all have experienced friendships that naturally fall apart for various reasons over time.  And those are simply part of life's circumstances (to be included as well within the dynamics of Samson Society).  But, hopefully few of you have experienced a friendship literally jumping the tracks as this one did for me back in 2006.  When this occurs, it's jarring and concussive.  Literally to the point of leaving you not knowing which way is up.  And it can have you questioning repeatedly your own motives whilst perhaps too losing faith in the concept of friendship as a whole.

Thanks be to God for what occurred this past Sunday afternoon.  I'm still smiling.

If you, dear reader, are still holding out hope for a (seemingly) long dead friendship, continue to pray for healing.  Reconciliation is super sweet and well worth the wait.

I Lost My Virginity To A Maverick (Rob's First Role As A Silas)

2011 was notable for my friendship with The Maverick.  It had seeded in 2010, not long after we'd had lunch at the now defunct "Jerusalem Cafe" in Fondren, and this is where he identified himself as a "porn addict".  I'd never heard that phrase, but nonetheless, it deeply concerned me.  Especially considering the fact that he was a pastor.

All of this was pre-Samson Society (at least in terms of our involvement within the ministry).  Though both of us are heavily involved now (me in Jackson and The Maverick in Mobile, AL), at the time, neither of us were privy to Christ-centered relational accountability groups of any ilk.  Therefore, we set out supporting each other as best we knew how.  And by all means, it was imperfect, but such a learning experience and privilege to start there.

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The Maverick's identity was centered on recklessness by my standards and independence by his.  At the conclusion of our friendship (while he was still living here back in 2012), he compared himself to Tom Cruise's character in the film "Top Gun", and in many ways this was true - as an overarching theme relative to how he saw himself.  He was resolute at being a "seat of the pants" guy with almost a fanatical helping of self confidence and poise regarding situations he was no doubt completely (& intentionally) unprepared to face.  Tied to that confidence (arrogance) was off the chart laziness, and this is where his compulsive Internet usage - porn use, gaming came into play.  

Nevertheless, we saw spiritual maturation on either end of the friendship despite our opposing personas.  For me specifically, having this man trust me completely - with my story in particular - was monumentally helpful.  It provided me with a foundation to grow and see / understand myself better from which I'd never had prior.  A period of intense spiritual growth took off as a result.

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If you find yourself (& many a Samson man may very well) serving your very own Maverick as a Silas, here's my advice to you:

But first, let me share the following just to reiterate what I stated prior and to insure that you understand whom exactly I'm describing.  

Mavericks live and breathe reckless behavior / thinking.  It's their language.  Finding a shortcut, taking the risks, cutting corners is their modus operandi.  They're like a bull in a china shop.

I'll provide an example from my experience with The Maverick.

It's a fact that contact lenses are meant to be purged / replaced every two weeks with fresh lenses.  I know this because I've worn them since I was a teen.  It's also recommended that you remove the lenses prior to sleeping, though sleeping in them isn't forbidden.  This procedure of replacing / removing nightly is obviously for the health / recovery of the human eye.  Contact lenses, over time, get protein deposits on them, and too, they simply degrade as they're floating around on the surface of one's eyeball.  This degradation and dirtiness can result in serious eye infections which can lead to eye disease / permanent damage.  God gave man two irreplaceable eyeballs, therefore it's really wise to take good care of them.

Therefore, it's just common sense to follow these recommendations closely whilst wearing contact lenses.

Unless you're a Maverick.  

In that case, you leave your contact lenses in your head for years on end just to see how long you can go. 

And this is just one example of how Mavericks think / operate.

Now back to my advice.

Your Maverick friend needs much more from you than just "You got my back?", though the notion of accepting / making peace with his recklessness is an absolute.  And this could be your way of showing respect (perhaps for something you can't completely understand / appreciate) for who he's chosen to be / ended up becoming (depending on how you look at it).  

What he needs is love.  And often the best way to demonstrate that is through consistency.  Think of yourself (as his Silas) not as a counterpoint but as a datum or signpost.  Consistency in time spent / communication, consistency in pointing him towards Christ (Bible study / prayer / self-examination), consistency in reiterating over and over your care and concern for his well-being (in an effort to work against the recklessness).

And this love you show is going to be tough.  Drawing lines in the sand may be needed via demanding he take logical steps that are in line with The Path.  That being said, if he follows through with your demands, you continue forward via the friendship as such, refusing to miss a beat.  If no follow through occurs, you must be committed to pulling back 'till he's ready to comply with what's obviously best for his own recovery.  If you two can't agree on what's best, you need to loop in other (mutually agreed upon) Samson men to provide advice / insight / counsel.

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Two areas where I did this with my Maverick friend were in the realm of Internet accountability software (Covenant Eyes) and eventually, an insistence regarding him obtaining Christian counseling (at RTS).  Regarding the former, I became his accountability partner, and regarding the latter, I'd ask to see credit card receipts proving he'd attended scheduled counseling sessions.

And he followed through with this, and progress was made, and I was privileged to know him that much more.  For there's nothing more rewarding than witnessing a Christian make progress - in the opposing direction of - chronic sin issues.  But especially whilst experiencing them firsthand yourself.

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My Maverick friend isn't an anomaly to Samson Society.  If you're committed to this ministry long enough and willing to serve any and all men as a Silas, you'll too come across one (or two or three).  And for awhile, you may find yourself scratching your head as to how they operate (off the cuff / on the fly / seat of their pants).  And that's normal.

What I came away with personally was so much understanding tied to my own platonic needs.  And yes, they were finally understood to be needs.  Not wants.  Needs.  What an investment The Maverick made in me!  Thanks be to God for this part of my story.  I'm very much looking forward to reconnecting with him at the Samson Society Fall retreat in early November.  He is one of my heroes and always will be.

Sex Fantasies As An Amalgamation / Re-Imagining Of My Routine

We've visited St. Dominic's Medical Arts building often over the past month due to Angie's post-stroke follow-up doctors' appointments.  Aside from some of the most poorly designed "medical mall" architecture I've experienced firsthand (late '80s Barlow & Plunkett), it's a place not unlike the Jackson Zoological Park or any local Mississippi public library.  

In what way, you ask?

The hospital draws people from all around our state for medical care, therefore in terms of its populace, it serves as an excellent cross sectional representation of what typical Mississippians look like.  And, there's no doubt that hands down we're the ugliest, most grotesque people in the Union.  And this, I believe, is why so many people refuse to live here.  

Mostly, this reality relative to our populace is perpetuated by the epidemic of obesity here in the Magnolia State, but I'm sure some of it simply has to do with genetics.  

So, you mix those personally repetitive, yet sobering experiences in with a smattering of online news and entertainment, and for me, there's not only willful motivation but a means to escape those experiences - at least temporarily.

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Before the Internet brought us "news" around the clock (via media outlets - URLs - monitoring what we consumed as such in order to tailor their content to suit our appetites), there were daily newspapers and nightly TV news programs.  And these were available every day of the week, but obviously their existence was a captured one.  In other words, as news outlets, they had one 24-hour shot at relaying their findings to the American public, therefore this precipitated a much high level of executive editing relative to both content, format, and scale (amount of time/space spent on one article/newsworthy event) than we see today.

Because of this, news reporters / journalists were a much more respected lot, and as such, were understood as necessary.  Plus, none of them looked like Barbie dolls.

It's similar to the narrative behind the American pastor.  Prior to 24/7 televangelists (who're constantly asking for $$$), pastors were confined to their pulpits on Sunday mornings.  As such, both their roles and content were and were seen as very different.

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I'm a reader through and through.  Reading for me comes super easy.  It doesn't, nor has it ever, felt like work to me.  Therefore, I enjoy it.

I'm also an amateur researcher.  Once my interest is topically piqued, and I have the time / energy to spare, I'll dig.

Taking those attributes into consideration, there ain't no more interesting topic to me than those which are sex-laden.  (And I know I'm not in the minority here.)

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Over the course of the past few weeks, a very prominent news story broke regarding the (now) former president of a sizable, private Christian college in the Midwest.  The news outlet that broke the story is a highly respected one (Reuters).  I read this piece, and frankly, due to its salacious and sin-laden content, it made a distinct impression on me.

Soon thereafter, other news outlets "expounded on" the story by also paying the source (the love interest) for additional juicy details.  Once I was made aware of those follow up stories (Matt Drudge's aggregate news site), I too read them, but this time it was from a completely didn't point of view.

No longer was this news.  It was smut.  And I love smut.

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Mississippians look like the Baron in 1984's "Dune" because they love to eat garbage whilst being averse to physical exercise, and these truths are perpetuated by categorical ignorance relative to health & wellness.  When you love something (whether or not it's tied to ignorance), you do it often, and when one is consuming garbage (especially combined with zero exercise), it's going to have seriously harmful consequences to both your health and physical appearance.  Taking that truth into account, when everyone looks similarly ugly, no one has a reason to personally care anymore.  It's just a big 'ol wad of mass stupidity.

Last night, my youngest daughter and I finished screening a fantasy film from 2014 that I picked up a year or so ago.  The film was in the bargain DVD bin, therefore no doubt that summarizes its cultural impact.  Nonetheless, the film is costumed exquisitely and the actors are extraordinarily beautiful whilst cavorting around there on set in breathtaking British Columbia.  

My daughter in fact stated repeatedly how "hot" the young actor was whom played the protagonist.  And I agreed.  But so were the ladies who traipsed around in their heavy cosmetics and revealing, sexy garb.

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Prior to falling asleep last night, I let my imagination run wild as yet another week came to an end, taking everything that I've described above into account - reality here in Mississippi, historical reality elsewhere (supposedly) within the Midwest, and cheap cinematic fantasy.  And as a result, I was highly entertained for those few minutes, and of course, seemingly in complete control of my own version of a very sex-laden re-imagining of all this that was knocking around within my head.

What's tragic about this is I'm no different than my fellow Mississippians.  Just as grotesque.  Just as ugly.  But the ugliness is seeded within my heart.  And that ugliness is disguised as normal.

Gluttony produces visible ramifications.  Lust too, but moreso to our Heavenly Father who sees inside of each man.  God help me to take my future thoughts captive in lieu of aloofly laying waste to this temple of the Holy Spirit.  I know better than to do this.

Highly Recommended TED Talk - "How Childhood Trauma Affects Health Across A Lifetime" - Dr. Nadine Burke Harris

We All Need Some Good News Today

Rob's Anticipatory Recharge

An old friend, who also attended the Samson Society Fall Retreat last year, reached out to me last week to inquire if I would be attending this year's November 6-8, 2020 retreat in Eva, TN.  I said yes, and this short exchange served as a reminder of what I have to look forward to.

Attending this retreat for Rob is akin to stepping into paradise on Earth.  And that experience is centered around me not having any relational responsibilities whatsoever relative to Samson Society, taking into consideration those involved within the ministry here in Mississippi.  

For me, it's not unlike attending an annual family reunion where it's super easy to simply sit back and people watch the +/- 100 men who'll also be attending.

Too, I love allowing the Holy Spirit to simply lead, and from there, connect / introduce myself to guys whom I've never met prior to asking to hear their stories.

Considering pragmatics, the drive up to Eva isn't necessarily short, but it's worth the jaunt.  

Samson Society, for those like myself who've found so much timely value in it as a men's ministry, is an opportunity for men to serve each other via relational accountability, and this is akin / in line with my temperament.  I do love that part of it.

The retreat is a celebration of that yearlong service, and therefore a time to recharge.

I can't wait!

Talk Is Cheap. When A Loner Wants To Stay A Loner.

 "I've been involved in Samson Society meetings for two years now.  I know it's time to actually begin to follow The Path."

I hear this statement from a Samson brother, and my heart rejoices.  For it was right at one year before I began to take The Path seriously (back in December of 2015).  In fact, I relayed to the men at this past Wednesday night's meeting that I was very close to making a discreet exit from the Jackson, MS Samson Society before turning the corner in this regard.

Attending meetings / after-meetings (meals at restaurants) is exciting.  The comradery, in particular, is energizing, but before long, there's this text in the Samson Society charter that's continuing to stare each of us in the face.  

And most men, I would argue, do not walk through the entire procedural narrative baked into The Path (though some very much do).  And that's fine.  But, at a minimum, we should obtain a Silas and detail our story to him - in all its gory detail - "warts & all" -  prior to working out the specifics of walking forward together.

Unfortunately, it's this Silas connection that can be such the stumbling block for loners.  Because firstly, they have to actually ask another man to be this for them.  And this, of course, runs counter to how a loner typically operates.

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Hiding my true self from everyone around me was simply the de facto approach I was forced to take, growing up here in Mississippi.  I wasn't one to have dreams of greener pastures elsewhere as I aged into manhood.  Therefore, never did I consider an out-of-state college career, nor, following college, looking for work beyond the boundaries of Mississippi.  Hence, I learned to make peace with the notion of being alone with who I truly was on the inside here at home.

And this worked well 'till I fell in love with my soon-to-be wife at the tail end of my college career.  For I didn't want her nor my parents to be in the dark as to what I was truly dealing with internally; all during this joyous occasion (first romantic love) that was killing me on the inside.

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I think too, overall, I really do now enjoy vetting individuals via how they react to my story.  Truth can moderate really well, and I'm all about attempting to gauge where other people stand in relation to hard / uncomfortable realities.  For me, I did this with Bob & Darlene initially, and they reacted beautifully.  From there, it's been all downhill.

So, loners unite!  Move forward with The Path soon, and make a point to find a Silas today.  You won't regret it.