One of the interesting caveats he shared with me that day, towards the end of our calendared juncture, was a simple prayer request. And that was that I pray he'd soon overcome his ongoing sense of dread.
This particular emotion being divulged didn't shock me due to the fact that this man had endured tremendous emotional pain years prior. Pain which he no doubt faced head on; so much so that he regularly addressed it formally through speeches given to churches, youth gatherings, etc. What did take be aback though was his willingness to divulge this to insignificant me. It was certainly my privilege. So I prayed then and there, though I had no real understanding of what exactly I was interceding for.
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So what is dread? Firstly, it's not a word you hear very often.
In my mind, it's a low frequency, negative emotion, for sure, and I believe it can be a result of enduring an impact that's done extensive damage to the (emotional) system itself. Not unlike when you bust your eardrum and it simply never heals up properly resulting in that incessant ringing.
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As their only child, I observed, with much anxiety and confusion, my parents' marriage implosion when I was in 4th grade. During that time, I watched my father's then youthful emotional health / demeanor short circuit, and frankly due to how young I was (considering my perspective), I suppose it either amplified or perhaps severely incapacitated his ability to process emotion from that point forward. The best way to describe it is he went ape shit on us (justifiably) in a big way and the broken - claustrophobic / at times catatonic - end result (going forward) is all I've really known through my teen and adult years. Really scary stuff for a young boy to witness, if I do say so myself.
Having been privileged to work with my dad now for the past 6+ years (me being in my late 40s and he in his late 60s), I have observed a very important detail about him that I believe speaks more specifically to what dread actually is.
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Dread is linked explicitly to irrational fear, and as a result, interpersonal trust is almost impossible to default towards.
In fact, to return to my analogy, if dread is like an incessant low frequency soundwave, then a sickening, relentless fear is the source of those sound waves. And I'm not speaking of the kind of fear that's addressed Biblically. That's rational fear. This is something of another ilk, though it can certainly be erroneously categorized as the same (by the ignorant). Subsequently, have you not experienced it (& believe me you don't want to), it's impossible to relate to.
Back in '13, our pastor in Cleveland, MS met with me the day prior to us departing to return here to Jackson after I'd lost my job. It was a Monday, therefore he was exhausted from his church obligations the day prior, and therefore didn't care to necessarily meet. Nonetheless, I was considered the exception due to our past history with both he and the church.
He listened with bleary eyes as I summarized my entire story for close to 45 minutes, but it wasn't 'till the tail end that he began to sober up to where it was all leading. From there, I believe, the Holy Spirit impressed upon him to share this difficult bit related to irrational fear and how prevalent and intrusive it can be (even towards the pastorate).
Tim described to me his disdain for making hospital / home visits to parishioners who were cancer patients. He talked about experiencing feelings somewhere between despondency and angst when with them. So much so in fact that he'd often seek to avoid them altogether which, of course, brought on terrible shame.
Pastor Tim was essentially in bondage to the fear of either himself or someone he loved becoming a cancer patient just as these were, and he felt powerless against this mindset as it prohibited him to do his job well to those he looked after within his congregation.
I remember thanking him for sharing from his gut on that bleak September day. And I must say, it's taken me quite some time to come to grips with the gravity of what he actually shared.
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A quick sidenote: One of the most bizarre "managerial techniques" that I've seen employed whilst dealing with what I've described here is a guarded aloofness. I feel it's important to mention that before I conclude with the hard part of this post. Call it a weirdmo intentional detachment. I see it as a coping technique for sure.
So, here we go. What is the point of this post? What's in it for me?
Nothing at all. Instead, my plea to you is as follows:
Have pity on these folks. Honor them by being patient. And don't fall into the trap of thinking it's you yourself that's part of their problem. As a friend, this is not too difficult to manage, but as a spouse / child, it can be quite difficult to keep this mindset in check due to the fact that you have other frames of reference (at times) serving to confuse matters (for yourself and for them). That being said, there will be times when you must remind them of their own irrational feelings, but I find that really depends on their need - in real time - to be heard authentically. When it comes to friendships, this unfortunately can spell doom.
Also, it's okay to keep your distance. You don't owe your time or allegiance to this individual. Nonetheless, you can sure do a lot of good if you'll commit to pray / be available, and this comes by loving them well (and telling them this often) through your own rationale view.
To loop back to the beginning of this post, I vividly remember being escorted out of my prominent attorney friend's impressive office, having voiced a short prayer of relief for his condition. And I felt so fortunate to now have honest knowledge of where he was at. Considering that occasion though, it wasn't 'till today that I'm truly standing in awe of how impactful negative life experiences can actually be.
From there, he & I never spoke again. And I understand, looking back, why that was the case, although at the time, I certainly did not.
