Feeling Masculine - Part 2 - Catalyst Theories

I believe it's the sense of control-lessness or lack of control that's seeded within a boy's life which fuels the mis / ill proportioned craving for masculine confirmation well into adulthood.

Most men define themselves completely by providing (a sense of) security to their "tribe", this notion of stability and confidence, and that confidence (or lack thereof) to provide security is confirmed / maturated within young adulthood.  If these men (part of the aforementioned most) happen to be Type A control freaks, this identifier to provide security is especially important to their identity as males due to their specific and highly idealized temperament.

So let's consider these men's pasts.

If you put unfortunate, unhealthy, impossibly difficult circumstances within a young man's path that serve to traumatically counter that budding definition of confidence within himself - again, to provide security relative to his "tribe" - then you have emotional issues related to this identification need that can follow him into adulthood.

At least this is my theory.

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And honestly, I'm not so sure this issue can easily be resolved into adulthood when you're dealing with Type A men.  These guys also tend to be highly dutiful (to everyone but themselves), therefore their desire to actually do their own necessary recovery work is often pitifully minute.  Or, on the other hand, some of these Type A men too can be extraordinarily lazy and lackadaisical, only choosing to act (get off their ass) when it's a situational react.  If that makes any sense...

Or, these Type A men can be some combination of the two - both dutiful and lazy all at the same time - just proportioned out categorically depending on their own hierarchical system ("I care deeply about this... / I care nothing for that...")

Therefore, all of the garbage (facsimiles of sexual chemistry and the resultant masculine "hits") I listed on my previous blog entry:  strip clubs, telephone sex, prostitutes, Internet porn, dating sites, chat rooms, and on and on, I find...these "fixes" for these emotional issues can come "into play" due to how convenient, secretive, and of course, pleasurably naughty they all are.

And each of these facsimiles absolutely do provide masculine hits that are off the charts whilst being extraordinarily efficient.  Which is what they're designed to do again and again thanks to our free enterprise system (most of these services must be purchased).

In closing, Type A men as I've described here, like all men, have a story.  It's just that the important parts for them are the really, really difficult memories as well as their subsequent choices that involved a tremendous amount of sin.  It's these difficult memories as well as the sinful choices that need to be investigated and clearly, thoroughly, explicitly unpacked.  Otherwise, there's no understanding of the why he's broken as he is nor why exactly he's taken the stupid (stupid is a verb) path he's taken to manage his brokenness.

Man, that's a mouthful.  Please know that I'm trying my best to be clear here.

Feeling Masculine - Part 1 - Harnessing One's Hotness

Describe to many men what they desire more than anything else, from a fleshly standpoint, and the end result of those desires will very often be a masculine "hit" / spike / thrill ride, though they may not be able to articulate this.  Whether they're to be found sexually attractive by another human being, execute a precision gameplay, or find themselves rolling their bank account into the seven-figure realm, any and all of these will suffice to bring on those heady, exceedingly masculine feelings for many men.

A quick disclaimer:  Not every man experiences this.  That's why I said most.  I certainly don't.  For Rob, my masculine "hit" comes through taking risks.  Whether it's within my friendships or family (particularly my children), tied to what I may or may not say (& how I might say it), or what I may choose to or not to take part in (often culturally), these small risks add up to bolster my sense of masculinity.

Many men derail portions of their entire lives due to the never ending pursuit of these confidence building situational masculine feelings.  Feelings that they learned early on as boys which very well do assist them in understanding themselves.  And that's the entire point of these feelings.  They're God-given helpers in reminding a male that he's male.  And this is a good thing until it's not.

So why exactly do certain men gravitate towards this?  (Fast forward to my theory which I've attempted to flesh out within Part 2).

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The world of men is typically average to below average relative to physical attraction.  Most men, once married in particular, pay little if any attention to their physical selves.  But, there are a handful whom have the DNA firstly, and the resolve secondly, to take full advantage of said DNA.  And of course, people take note of this, and it's been proven that these guys are far more likely to earn more money throughout their lives whilst encountering fewer obstacles along the way.  You might call it the George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron effect, and it's as American as apple pie.

Our sexualized photographic culture elevates sexually attractive men, furthering the ridiculousness that strong masculine sex appeal makes for a solid (faithful), enduring (provider / security), endearing (compassionate / loving) man - boyfriend, husband.

So what if you're that guy?  What if you're capable of turning heads or attracting a lot of sexual attention as you go about your everyday life?  And what if you pay heed to it or take note of it once you sense someone has "taken the bait" based on how you've dressed / carried yourself at that particular moment in time?

If you're looking to exploit that masculine "hit", you're typically going to flirt in order to eek out as much of it as you can.  And this is where situations tend to lead towards lives getting derailed, trust coming unraveled, lies being told, and stupid (stupid is a verb!) happening in droves.

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For you husbands out there, hopefully you remember experiencing this aforementioned masculine kick when you were dating your wife.  Oftentimes, it unfortunately leads to fornication because intercourse is the natural masculine progression of this attraction / flirting experience.  But, in certain cases, just because you're a married man doesn't mean you suddenly lose your sex appeal.  In fact, there are some individuals who consider others THAT MUCH MORE SEXY if they're married with children.

Guys who crave this masculine kick from arousing both women and men they encounter / relate to can at times find their looks also serving as a two-edged sword.  Their wives, in particular, can trophy these men's debonair, and in the end harness their hotness (which seemingly comes naturally) against them.  I believe women who choose to marry an Adonis are often blinded into thinking they're especially worthy of such manly finery, and this can in turn cause that much more consternation and outrage when his unfaithfulness is brought into the light.

This is very bad situation for all parties involved, that frankly, I have no idea how to remedy except supernaturally.

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Now, let's talk next about the facsimile of all this sexual chemistry (& subsequent masculine "hits"):  Strip clubs, telephone sex, prostitutes, Internet porn, dating sites, chat rooms, and on and on.

This is where things really get ugly relative to finding success in obtaining those masculine highs.

To be continued...

That Arab Guy's Name Is Harry

And he's a genuinely intimidating guy who's originally from India, but has been living here for 6 years.  He understood my su-thern accent expertly, but I did have to ask him to repeat himself on a few occasions.  It isn't very often that I dialogue with someone from South Asia.

It was humorous when he told me his name.  There was this hesitation.  Obviously, it's difficult to pronounce, therefore he's adopted a pseudonym.

We chatted tonight for about 3 to 4 minutes on the gym floor.  He was walking in my general direction when I made a point to extend a hand of friendship in lieu of just staring off into the distance (which I'm sad to admit is my typical modus operandi).  I always stretch for a number of minutes before I workout, therefore he commented on that.  It was apparent he appreciated my singling him out.  What chutzpah this guy must have to live here of all places and to faithfully work out at the Y amongst all of us Mississippi rednecks.

I found out what he does for a living and vice versa, and he asked where I lived, how often I worked out at the Y, etc.  And then the conversation was over.  But, I'm pretty sure he would have talked longer had I continued querying him.  And this gives me hope that we can pick up where we left off in the future.

In looking back, I wished I'd asked him about his faith despite the awkwardness of that presupposed question.  Perhaps I'll be brave enough to ask Harry that question next time around.  And from there, maybe we can get together away from the gym and have coffee.  That would be awesome!

I still do feel some anxiety about him now knowing where I live, and I'm ashamed to admit that.

Help me Lord to not be a bigot.

Datum / "Turning On" Gravity

As we go about our day to day lives, there's no doubt that the most physical point of reference is the effect of gravity on everything around us.  So much so that we cannot even begin to imagine life without it.  Gravity serves us as well as a datum, but it's one that we would never recognize as such.  And it's consistent in that way, thanks be to God, never compromising itself as if it were controlled by some cosmic rheostat.  Everything around us and within us physically works as it does thanks to gravity.

Have you any idea how humbling it is to realize you're acting as an emotional / spiritual datum relative to your loved ones?  And I'm not only referring to family / extended family, but to close friends as well.  Recently, I've been made aware of this, and I must say as a middle-aged man who's no deacon and certainly not a pillar within the community at large, it's quite humbling to consider.

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My dad grew up in Belzoni, MS back in the 1950s.  For him, it was an idyllic childhood despite being reared by an alcoholic, physically abusive father who died young to lung cancer.  If you ask him to recount memories from all those years ago, they'll undoubtedly contain landmarks as points of reference.  Landmarks such as The Pig Stand restaurant, the city baseball (Little League) field, Turner Drug Store, The Dairy Bar restaurant, etc.  And due to the small scale of Belzoni, these places were hugely important whilst navigating his and his three brothers' day to day life.  Each landmark brings with it cherished memories of old despite the fact that most of them have long since been repurposed or removed entirely from the vernacular of what is still "The Heart of the Delta".

My childhood in Madison during the 1980s was completely different from my father's.  I experienced a typical suburban upbringing which brought with it zero landmarks.  Instead, we simply found ourselves on the far outskirts of the city, living where seemingly few other people chose to, and henceforth having to drive into Jackson to experience work, church, restaurants, etc. Other than a rural airport, there simply wasn't anything to Madison at that time.

My interpersonal familial upbringing though wasn't completely landmark-less despite the fact that Bob & Darlene were always more like much older siblings to me than parents.  Siblings who, like myself, were trying to figure out this whole growing up thing (remember my 'rents had me as teens).  For me (and in many ways my dad as well), it was my mom's dad, Bud Hampton, who served me well as a familial datum.  Though I didn't see him often (my mom's parents also lived outside of the aforementioned city of Belzoni), he was completely respected by all of us due to his loving nature, personal disciplines, and positive outlook as a man.  Not to mention his faith, which was substantial and of course, harkened back to everything listed within the previous sentence.

When I think back on my childhood as it relates to my dad, I do know that he was fortunate to find a bossman datum early on in his career, and that relationship lasted for many, many years.  This man was very effective at providing much needed stability for him, even during the toughest of my family's personal trials.

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Today, I can see myself clearly as the datum that I am.  Especially amongst my parents and friends, though not quite as much within our household, but I'm hoping my vision there will eventually improve.

I believe this realization is tied to my entire self "coming online" - so to speak - thanks to the recent Samson Society retreat.

As I examine this truth relative to who I am, surprisingly I don't feel pressured by it.  Instead, I feel extremely humbled and blessed for such a time as this.

In closing, why is this important to me?

Because the root of Satan's accusations against me throughout my life have always been related to masculine worthlessness.  It's this notion that as a masculine being, I have no value, but at the same time, I don't experience conversely an overt sense of femininity.  Essentially, I describe it as a void that I have to cope with most days.

From a Biblical standpoint, masculinity is often rooted in risk taking fueled by faithfulness, if you take a wide swath of Biblical characters into account (& I'm not only referring to men).  And often those characters inspired their fellow men in turn to take stock in how God had / no doubt would work in and through their situation(s).

It's this realization that you're more than just another minion / cog in the machine that resonates with me.  And I suppose, I could pressure myself in and through this to perform, perform, perform, but I refuse.  Nor do I consider this blog post as some form of boasting due to the fact that I'm simply calling it like I see it, and am therefore immensely humbled to my core (as I've said prior).

It's no doubt freeing to simply acknowledge who God's called me to be in the lives of so many at this point in time.  Were it not for Samson Society, this realization thereof simply wouldn't be.  Thanks be to God for Samson Society!

Material Wealth & The Subsequent Security and Blind Loyalty Many Wives Embrace

When I was in between my freshman and sophomore years at Mississippi State, I sold Chrysler / Plymouth / Alfa Romeos at Howard Wilson Chrysler / Plymouth in Jackson, MS.  That was the summer of '91.  I was 19 years old, weighed probably 120 lbs and knew stats / the ins & outs of the automobile industry like most teenage boys nowadays know pornstars via Tube sites.

I was a commiserate automobile aficionado way before I knew what the word aficionado meant.  Toronado (Oldsmobile) yes, aficionado, not so much.

I remember distinctly approaching a man who drove onto the lot in his Bayerische Motoren Werke AG automobile.  Back in 1991, there weren't nearly as many BMWs on the road here in Jackson, MS due to the fact that at the time, BMW only imported a fraction of cars to the USA for retail sell.

Mr. Dick, as we'll refer to him going forward, was confident and cocky.  His tousled blonde hair and blue eyes fit perfectly into his preppie, assertive style.  I'd say at the time, he was in his mid-30s, and he was there that day to scope out one particular minivan make and model for his wife.

Prior to discerning his motive, we chatted briefly before he asked me some semblance of the following:  "Do you believe any of these cars are in anyway equal to what I drove onto this car lot?"

How does a 19 year-old car salesman answer that?

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Mortgaging a home is a big deal.  It takes time and a heady decision relative to where exactly you're going to invest.  And home buying is an investment.  There's no doubt that unlike automobiles, it's an appreciating asset (most of the time).

So what's to be done when you find that your stuck with nosy, complaining, neglectful, annoying, or downright mentally ill neighbors?

For 7 years, I served as our homeowners' association president within our current 'hood.  We've lived in this same 'hood within this same house for almost 20 years.  Therefore, I know firsthand how challenging neighboring relationships can become year after year after year relative to involving certain individuals.

That being said, what do you do when you're invested in a single family home within an established neighborhood, yet you're having to constantly deal with the nosiness, complaints, abject neglect, annoyances, and sometimes outright lunacy (besides notify the HOA)?

I'll tell you what you do because I've witnessed (& lived) it.  You wrestle and hand-wring.  That's what you do.  And all the while, you feel taken advantage of and oftentimes trapped.

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A few weeks into the future, Howard Wilson Chrysler Plymouth obtained two flagship minivans, the infamous Chrysler Town & Country.  And that's when I immediately notified Mr. Dick, knowing this particular make / model was exactly what he wanted to purchase.

I remember it like it was yesterday, watching his German sports sedan yet again drive onto the lot, all along knowing that I had carried through with his specific instructions to reach out to him "just as soon" as one of these specific Chrysler vehicles graced our lot.

This time around, he had his wife with him.  She was quiet and reserved and obviously anticipating what her vain hubby had for her to inspect.

Upon opening up the van, I watched both of them climb inside.  The new car smell was particularly intense on this hot summer afternoon as I watched them run their hands over the Corinthian leather seats whilst digging their heels into the thick cutpile carpeting.

And then Mr. Dick asked another telling question, but this time it was directed towards his wife.

"Is this one nicer than what Susan drives?"

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Mentally / emotionally healthy women are typically averse to risky behavior.  In particular within relationships with men.  Instead, they gravitate towards safe and secure relative to many / most of the choices they make.  Safe and secure men, for most women, are typically financially stable (or on their way to being) with an obvious commitment to being consistently secured relative to temperament, goals, interests, etc.

Material wealth brings with it mucho opportunities to flaunt it / gloat ones lifestyle within our western culture.  And women, in particular, are heavily, heavily marketed to in this regard.  From single family homes to automobiles, fashion to jewelry, developers, manufacturers, and retailers spend a fortune attempting to position themselves as the status defining purchase.

I distinctly remember back in the early '90s when Lexus automobiles became the status symbol to drive, and watching women whom happened to attend our church, motor around town in these very distinct, extremely fashionable overpriced Toyotas.

Within a similar vein, I have witnessed the impact a massive diamond pendant can make, hanging around the neck of a man's wife on a svelte gold chain.  Believe me, it gets your attention.

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But what if her husband is essentially some version of the aforementioned Mr. Dick?  And not just from the standpoint of his obvious arrogance and repugnant sense of entitlement, but relative to his private life.  What if he's continually taking advantage of his high earner status by feigning, exploiting, abusing her trust in the security he provides in droves time and time again?

What if she's had children with Mr. Dick, and they're not privy (yet) to who he really is?

To be more specific, what if he's taking full advantage of her and subsequently, no longer cares to face his indulgent behavior as anything other than part of their relational dynamic?

What then?

I believe most women hunker down, emboldened and ashamed, and fall headlong into constructing their broken identity through purchase after purchase after purchase.  And they do so in an effort to construct such a beautiful lifestyle illusion that no one would dare infer that the marriage she's saddled with is and always has been one big joke.

I have no doubt that women get hurt far more via divorce than men do.  Plus, their chances of future happiness are much less if they go through with the D word.  The emotional toil affects her health, breeds further insecurity and so forth.  It's a bad, bad deal for them that serves as the antithesis of that lovely wedding day in June.

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So what can a woman do to preempt falling into this trap?

Easy.

Never, ever, ever under any circumstances allow yourself to become enchanted by luxury goods.  Do whatever it takes to keep your worth / value as a woman absolutely, completely divorced from where you live, what you drive, what your husband does, what kind of jewelry / clothes you wear, and so on.  So much so ladies, that you intentionally live well below your means.

Let me say that again.  So much so ladies, that you intentionally live well below your means.

Take the money that he earns and invest it in your church, charities, and so on, but do not ever, ever, ever sink it into a piece of shit Chrysler product in order to keep up with the Joneses.  Otherwise, you're choosing to enslave yourself by severely compromising your sovereignty as your husband's helpmeet.  And this will no doubt be your demise.

Reconciled

Just yesterday, I had a telephone conversation with one of my oldest friends (which was instigated by an email he'd sent me the day before).  And this is literally on the heels of lunching (tomorrow) with my absolutely oldest friend (from my college days) who's soon to be moving far away relative to a job change, therefore I'm thinking lots today about old friends and what they mean / have meant to me.

The thought of having this telephone conversation brought about some trepidation because my friend and I have just recently reconnected formally (Samson Society retreat up in Eva, TN).  Having not spoken nor seen him for 7+ years prior to the retreat obviously speaks to a personally difficult story of its own (which I'll choose to not disclose here).

Nonetheless, what I ending up receiving from this aforementioned telephone conversation was much more than I expected.  In fact, now that I think about it, perhaps it wasn't so much anticipation as deference stemming from the now recollection of whom this friend once was within my life.

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Today, I'm blessed with receiving much respect from various men.  I'm thankful that it comes in droves from my family (wife, daughters and even my 'rents!) as well as numerous Samson Society men, including the man himself, Mr. Nate Larkin.  But it wasn't always this way for Rob.  In fact, for most of my life, I've been suspicion-ed a lot, shunned on occasion and even demonized.  But, that all lead up to when I met this aforementioned friend 7+ years ago and, it was then that I found my first fan, and in turn, I tried to become the same for him.  Supermanfan to Supermanfan.  Neither of us had ever had that kind of support via another guy and, the timing for each of us was ideal.  Essentially, we learned quickly how best to cross pollinate our investment in each other, and God blessed our pursuits in droves.  For me though, I've always recognized that season as a wellspring of positive momentum relative to Rob's maturation as an individual, and this I shared with my old friend about 12 months ago (via a letter).

In general, the weightiness of respect in is proportion to relational longevity.  And this is due to the fact that longevity breeds opportunity to study, observe, and react to another man...for better or worse...warts and all over a set period of time.  This is one reason righteous, endearing, enduring church fellowship / work is so helpful to Christians.  But I digress...

So, what exactly happened during yesterday's telephone conversation that I feel so compelled to write about here?

My old friend spoke into my life, and damn, it was so freaking sweet!  In particular, about my writing abilities.

And, I heard this CLEARLY AND COMPREHENDED IT WELL because of what I've described above relative to who he (still) represents within my life.

What a gift this was for Rob.  And so unexpected.

I am so pleased that we've been reconciled.  God is so good!  I never imagined that I would again be receiving these gifts of respect from Chris.  I can only hope to return the love as we look ahead to where the Lord leads.

The Proof Is In My Humility

Humility is like autism.  It falls on a spectrum.  And for Rob, I'm seeing some sure signs of humbleness, and this serves as proof that God is faithful within the world.  What I mean by that last statement is that God exists, the Bible is the infallible word of God, and that Jesus, the Holy Spirit and so forth aren't just, you know, a lot of malarkey.

And there's strength in humility because it clears your head.  Disappointments don't matter as much.  Life, in turn, has a clock to it that spells of needed redemption.  Other men, even familial men, aren't scary to stand up to anymore due to everything I just mentioned.

For me, it's like being leveled up or perhaps a better way to put is leveled down.

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One of the coolest side effects of humility is that shame has a difficult time penetrating that secure veil.  Even within the most shame-inducing scenarios, it just won't easily succeed at taking root.  Now, I may feel some trepidation towards certain people relative to past shame, but true humility brings such clarity that it helps to circumvent those past trends.

I can imagine having a near death experience and from there, that would bring about some semblance of humility, but I wouldn't expect it to last.  What I'm talking about exactly is more along the lines of progressing along a path that eventually provides a breakthrough point where there's a clear vista backwards to where I've traveled from / through.  But too, there's the recognition of the miracle that I've come to this place, having survived so many terrible circumstances, most of which were set in motion thanks to my sin nature.

In summary, it's being able to feel joy more often than not even when things don't go my way.  It's a feeling that's electric, more akin to an energy source than a temperament.  Joy that anesthetizes the mundane, making it much, much more bearable.

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From here, I can give back without feeling cheated or choked.  Whether it's through Samson Society or otherwise.  But, that also does include my work with Bob and Darlene.

Seeing clearly is absolutely breathtaking to behold.  May it always be this way going forward.