Adam Young was our keynote speaker during the 2023 National Samson Society Retreat. I did not attend either of his sessions (I continued to man the registration table during Friday evening's session), but I did slip in at the tail end of the second one (Saturday morning). During those few minutes, a Q & A session was underway within the packed auditorium, and Adam was navigating those queries with answers that landed beautifully each and every time. Also, he was really humorous with many of his answers as he sveltely circled back to accentuate previous bullet points that were no doubt key to his talk.
During those final minutes, I felt he was summarizing much of what he'd shared earlier on. For he was emphasizing the importance of approaching loved ones who'd done the traumatizing with the request to bequeath them (opportunistically) with how they'd actually been hurtful. For example, if a parent had said something traumatizing in the past, Adam urged audience members to timely return to that parent before asking respectfully if they might "revisit" the lingual trauma (what they'd actually said / tone, etc.) in detail (with the ultimate hopeful outcome being to receive healing via enlightening the ignorant traumatizer and thereby granting a sincere, sympathetic acknowledgement / apology).
And then Adam brilliantly stated this (paraphrase): "You're going to get either one of two reactions (from the traumatizer) when you attempt this. And via those, you'll know immediately if you're dealing with an outright wicked individual or a garden-variety Christian".
What he was implying there was that wicked people react harshly / survivor's instinctively by deflecting their responsibility whilst garden-variety Christian's react (even to the smallest degree) sympathetically / towards reconciliation once they've clued into what's being asked of them and their supposed part in it.
And that made a lot of sense except Adam missed an obvious third traumatizer category outright. And this surprised me. But, Adam probably has never been to Mississippi.
That third category is the low intelligence traumatizer.
Therefore, let's review.
1. Wicked traumatizer (self-centered / self-absorbed asshole)
2. Garden-variety Christian traumatizer (genuinely caring, sympathetic / biased towards reconciliation)
3. Low intelligence traumatizer (emotional / intellectual retard)
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A level playing field between communicators can only exist when intelligence between those involved is closely matched. Intelligence (more or less than) drives an individual's ability to utilize / interpret all manner of language (& arguably emotion) to express themselves with accuracy (whether they're being truthful or not).
Arguably, it's not fair to expect a low intelligence traumatizer to be able to either react firstly (to the offer from you to bequeath) nor hear secondly (that which you've said, felt, experienced) with any degree of accuracy. And that's where the problem lies. For if you don't take the traumatizer's intelligence into account, you're likely going to unfairly categorize them (wicked?). When, in actuality, they're simply a dumbass.
And, oh my goodness, there're so many dumbasses in this world of woe.
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This unlevel (intelligence) playing field can surely manifest itself as a dumpster fire within familial relationships if individuals aren't careful. For there's a baked-in expectation / hope that SURELY THIS WOULD NEVER BE amongst kinfolk. But it does occur at times. And as such, there's one of two ways to manage it.
1. Prioritize humility relative to the asymmetry.*
2. Begrudge your situation in order to consistently maintain / be reminded of your superiority.
*whilst giving yourself full permission to see / acknowledge the humor within the sad situation.
The first option takes an almost superChristian outlook. An outlook, I would argue, that's only achievable via hard, hard personal work that's centered on the harsh reality of the situation. And this work likely could take a lifetime to wrestle through, coinciding with various stages of maturation between the two parties involved (parent / child, etc.).
For no one truly wants to face up to the reality that their loved one is an imbecile. It's just so fatalistic to consider. It's a tough, tough reality for those who're living it. For most who've endured close-knit relational trauma would gladly take a wicked perpetrator over a dunce. For there's simply so little hope for reconciliation / proper acknowledgement via the latter.
