"Never Enough" - JR Everhart

My life is a constant battle against the lies of the enemy.  Here are just a few…“You’re never going to find love again, you’re far too broken and polluted by your struggles for any woman to ever put up with, or much less love…” or things like “Gods never going to use you, and if he did you would only embarrass yourself and the Christian name when people find out your sexual sins…” oh and let’s not forget my all-time favorite one, “You serve no purpose, you have no value, and no one would ever miss you if you died tomorrow.  Why wait?  Freedom from this world's disappointment and struggle is one trigger pull away…”  I've been hearing that one since my mid-teens… Presently, I’m 50 years old. 

So many times, my sin and reckless behavior seem to support these lies.  The enemy knows this, that’s what makes them so effective and dangerous.  I don’t live my life close to God's throne for just educational purposes, I also press into his word and heart to quiet the lies in my head.  The only time I can’t hear them is when I’m in his presence, meditating on his words or listening to Christian music that speaks of Godly brokenness.  As such, in our world of pagan self-sufficiency, I am solely 100% dependent on the grace and mercy I’ve only experienced within my relationship with my Heavenly Father and his loving son Jesus Christ. 

Nowhere else can I experience unconditional love and acceptance as I do when I’m in the presence of God.  In this world, I’m never enough… never smart enough, handsome enough, good enough, or loving enough.  But in his presence, I’m always enough.  No matter how beat, battered, or lost in complete failure I am, he always welcomes me in to sit down and converse about all that's surfacing within me.  He always challenges me to be better, and more disciplined but with a heavenly kindness that can only be described as a warm, loving mother warning her son to stay away from the hot stove while she’s cooking.  She places her hand on her child’s cheek and speaks with words of affirmation, then kisses his forehead and sends him away to play in the next room.  The child has no fear because he always knows mom is just in the next room ready to run to his rescue and calm his every fear and anxiety.  I never had a mother like that, or a father like that.  My parents were far too broken from their own childhood trauma to be able to connect with any of us 12 kids on such a vulnerable level.  But they did their best, yet it was a mess.  But in God's presence amongst his healing and restoration, there’s peace and acceptance that we will never know during this life otherwise. 

It took awhile for me, during my recovery walk, to separate the dysfunction of my earthly father from my loving, emotionally available Heavenly Father.  Even more so, it took even longer for me to stop molding God into an image of my own shaping versus me choosing to be molded into his.  We live in a world where everyone sees themselves as their own God, and the knowledge of good and evil feeds our pride in thinking we can dictate justice within our lives far better than our Heavenly Father can.  That's the original sin, alive and well in the hearts of the sons and daughters or Adam and Eve (us).  This pathway is founded on insanity - with our definitions of good and evil - changing from day to day.  Ultimately, this creates the perfectionist's paradigm that only leads to never feeling like we are enough.  And the enemy uses our own lies against us, bearing witness with our fleshly desires to condemn us to a failure-focused life.  Never able to come up for air and experience the truth of the gospel’s message of hope without getting lost in its uncomfortable confrontation with our ego.  I’ve been a Christian since 1994, and still fight, most days, the justification of sin (rebellion) in my life.  I too can easily fall right back into becoming my own god and reimagining the God of heaven in my own image, thereby essentially rewriting the gospel truth to fit my lifestyle.  But then again “I’m never enough to rightfully divide the word of God…” and so the battle rages on…

The Volunteer Group Catch-22

Catch 22:  A dilemma or difficult circumstance from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions.

I've been involved in volunteer organizations throughout my life.  Starting with First Baptist Church Jackson, back in the '80s, I was a consistent youth group member.  I served vocally (Youth Choir / Ensemble) and showed up for most every retreat, Disciple Now!, and Bible study that I reasonably could.  I did this because I was a new Christian, and I craved discipleship and youth worship.  

As a teen, this experience quickly taught me that I had to make a choice relative to annoying people (youth or adults).  I could either 1) choose to tolerate them, 2) tolerate them and talk bad about them behind their back, or 3) simply walk away from youth group (stop attending).  I tried hard to choose the former, and I believe I did so because it seemed pointless - & out of line with God's will - to choose otherwise.

I didn't dabble much in volunteer orgs during college (MSU's the Maroon Band notwithstanding), but eventually, post-graduation, I did dabble in a "young architects" version of the American Institute of Architects, join Young Business Leaders here in Jackson and continue forward with church attendance.  From there, I've been involved in our 'hood's homeowners' association as a board / committee member for many years, and on and on.

-------------------------

As we age, we're more easily annoyed by others.  This is an undisputed claim.  Everyone, for the most part, falls in line with that statement, though there're some unusual exceptions (these are truly exceptional people).

Why is this?

A lot of it has to do with reduced patience, but much of it is centered on our inability to truly be curious (as we once were).

Innate curiosity peaks when we're young.  Children are curious about everything and everyone (even annoying people so long as they're not too intimidating).

Children too recognize their own annoying tendencies.  As we age, we're much less adept at this.  As such, we become comfortable with our own sense of "settled perfection".

--------------------------

So, what does it mean to be annoying?

Annoying:  causing irritation or annoyance

So often, annoying people behave in ways that are just similar enough for us to recognize, but almost within a wholly distinct language (temperament / attitude) of their own.  We then take a bit of offense (we believe our way is best) to this, and from there, find ourselves irritated by their sloppiness, stupidity, immaturity, etc.

-------------------------

All of this points me to Samson Society.  Again, one of those volunteer organizations that's filled with all manner of guys relative to backgrounds, location, faith, pedigree, nationality, educational background, sexuality, professional credentials (or lack thereof), marital status, parental status, demographic, vocation, personality, temperament and on and on.

Lots of opportunity to become annoyed with someone due to diversity alone.  Don't you think?

Whether it's whilst rubbing shoulders during a Samson Society meeting (face-to-face or virtual), retreat (National or Intensive), Slack posts, video messaging service, etc.

So, what're your options?

Same ones I had back during my time in youth group at First Baptist Church Jackson.

Remember, whilst making your choice, that the latter two are exactly in line with what Satan hopes for.

-------------------------

We've talked about gossip here prior, but not so much making a discreet exit from Samson Society (or other parachurch men's orgs) due to annoyance.  

If you attend multiple (3+) Samson Society National Retreats, you'll see ghosts everywhere.  It's disturbing.  Proving that so many men simply don't stick around for longer than a handful of years.  As such, I would argue annoyance plays a factor therein.

Therefore, what can we do as Samson men to combat annoyance?

-  Distance yourself from the annoyers to the best of your ability (remember, Samson Society is a BIG place).

-  Pray for the annoyer(s).

-  Let go of your "list of grievances" that you've amassed against the annoyer (wipe your slate clean) & choose to put down your pen.  

-  Take a hard look at your "curiosity quotient", and if it's "in the negative", ask yourself why.  The last thing Samson needs is an(other) ornery old man.

I'm Reading Through The Book Of Jeremiah Right Now. This DG Post Helped Me Understand The Point Of That Book & More.

Love the Place You Want to Leave | Desiring God

Recommended Reading

An Anger Management Expert On Why So Many Men Are So Angry (fatherly.com)

Recommended reading

Men's group chats: you think you know what goes on in them, but you're probably wrong. (slate.com)

Thanks Be To God For Mormon Politicians

Accessing Porn In Utah Is Now a Complicated Process That Requires a Picture of Your Face (vice.com)

Lagniappe

"Isolated Darkness" - JR Everhart

Sometimes love is lost inside our selfish pride.  Sometimes that pride writes checks that we don’t have the emotional dexterity to cash.  Sometimes we stand over the battlefield of injured people who suffered at our hands of narcissistic dysfunction, and there’s nothing we can do to ease their pain. The damage is done and it’s so bad for them that they can’t even stomach having one more conversation with.  Realizing all this creates pain and suffering in your own life that's intensely personal.  An amends only goes so far and has no guarantee of reconciliation.  Also, some individuals are so broken from our actions, they will never receive our apologies.  Thus, our sincere regret only falls on deaf ears.  Sometimes, the damage is final, and you just have to live with the guilt, shame, and paralyzing loneliness that comes with a broken clumsy life.  Some things will never be fixed…

But after a time of grieving, this does not have to mark the rest of our lives.  You can make room for forgiveness even when you yourself don’t believe you deserve it.  It takes time to get to a place of healing and restoration; it is a long hard road of potholes and uncomfortable growth.  Many of us hurt so deeply that we welcome the guilt, shame, and suffering because we feel like we deserve it.  We subconsciously wish to suffer, as a penance towards the pain we caused our family and wives.  But this is a counterfeit sacrifice of Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice for our sins at Calvary.  In our sick and twisted minds, we somehow believe that we're expected to pay the price for our transgressions.  Yes, we will suffer for the poor decisions we’ve made, but choosing to live in that self-sacrificial state is in direct conflict with Jesus’ work on the cross.  A work that God's grace bought for us by his death and resurrection.  Choosing to stay down, bathing in that sorrowful / regretful pain is sometimes as addictive as the sin itself.  For some of us, that pain becomes our identity and imprints itself on our emotional DNA.  It tells you that you’ll never be free of it, and will likely never find happiness again. These are lies of the enemy whose only purpose is to hold you down and rob you of any joy in your life.  THIS IS NOT GOD'S WILL! 

God is always turning what was meant for evil into good.  He is always inside the dark carnival of our lives masterfully pulling his good purpose out of our struggles.  Throughout, we must learn to reach out for help and let him love us.  Man, that can be hard when we don’t feel like we deserve love anymore.  I’ve been there, and always describe my walk with Christ as him loving me even when I didn’t know how to love myself.  It’s a process, taking considerable time to open up and learn to love yourself again.  Even when you don’t have much of any self-worth left.  If we will embark by faith, he will heal our wounds and teach us how to love ourselves again.  I’m writing this having walked every road I've since written about.  I've lived through long seasons of self-hatred.  It’s easy to get stuck there because the enemy is really good at making us see how we deserve this suffering.  Sin will always bear witness with our flesh the same way grace and forgiveness bears witness with our spirit.  The enemy knows this, and if he can keep you in a flesh-level of thinking, it will always feel like you deserve to be there (stay down).  The only way out of this pit is to hijack your focus and start digging into God's word, thereby re-identifying yourself to the Holy Spirit / God's truth.  It’s easy to believe you deserve pain when all you can see is the pain you’ve caused others.  That’s flesh level thinking.  But once you own your mistakes and make amends (to the best of your ability), it’s time to start believing that your past doesn’t dictate / define your present & future.  Just because you make big mistakes in the past doesn’t mean you’ll do that again.  Especially if you're active in programs that support healthy living. 

Learning to love myself again was and is the hardest part of my recovery.  I still, at times, get stuck in a mindset of regret and depression.  But now, I refuse to stay there.  Life is a rollercoaster, and we have to ride it even if we are scared of heights.  But there is hope for a better tomorrow so long as we don’t let the shame of yesterday rob us of it.  God once spoke to me and asked me why I couldn’t love myself the same way he loves me.  Why can’t I be kind and gentle and longsuffering with the mistakes I make / made and just forgive myself the way he has forgiven me?  It was a game changing my thought process that lead me to restoration.  Choose today my friends, to let go of the pain and step into freedom in Christ Jesus. 

Recommended Reading

Loneliness poses public health threat, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy says - The Washington Post

Recommended Reading

 Strengthen Your Marriage by Rehearsing the Covenant (thegospelcoalition.org)

Recommended Reading - I Love This. It's A Powerful Reminder Of God's Calling On Our Lives As Christian Men.

The Forgotten Habit: Fellowship as a Means of God’s Grace | Desiring God

You've Been Active Within Samson Society One Year, Where Do You Go From Here?

I believe the first item to consider regarding your involvement within this unique parachurch men's ministry is your own personal wiring.  Are you at all wired to give of yourself?  If so, moving forward with Samson Society (meetings, retreats, serving other men as a Silas, etc.) absolutely will be smooth sailing / no doubt blessed by God.  If you're not the giver other guys are, it may be best to consider changing your approach.  Also, are you / have you remained comfortable with the format of the meetings?  If so, you're in good company.  I've been involved in Samson Society since 2014 and the format hasn't changed (though there are a handful of Samson sub-type formats now available).  If none of these suits your fancy, there're plenty of other parachurch men's ministries that offer other meeting formats.  I'd encourage you to explore those going forward (versus stepping out of recovery completely).

To expound on my first question:

Example:  You're the Samson guy who's not shared his (summarization) story with anyone within this community of men (over the course of one year), and you're constantly regurgitating (repeating) your travails ad nauseum relative to your continued plight.  And you see nothing awry with either of these facts...  

Too, you've not asked anyone for their story / actively worked to honestly befriend other Samson men.

If this is you, you're likely not a giver.  And that's okay.  Perhaps it best that you consider moving on in order to make room for someone else.  I'm of the opinion that Samson Society is primed for men who give freely of themselves.

I realize that may sound harsh, but this community isn't a good fit for every man.  Plus, timing is everything.  Hence, you may not be positioned as of late to give.

-------------------------

Secondly, considering your "giving spirit" (we're making that assumption going forward), now that one year has passed, what can you now do / feel prepared to do relative to utilizing that giving spirit (on behalf of the community) that you could not have done at your outset?

Example:  You recognize where you're at with your own personal recovery enough to "branch out" and engage with new and fresh Samson groups (face-to-face / virtual).  Or, you choose to support Samson Society by facilitating a group.  Or, YOU BEGIN FINANCIALLY SUPPORTING SAMSON SOCIETY VIA A MONTHLY GIFT.

-------------------------

Thirdly, you obtain a Silas.  

I myself didn't obtain my first Silas 'till 16 months into my Samson Society involvement (though I began serving as a Silas very early on).   

There's a lot of chatter about arbitrarily choosing another Samson guy to be your Silas at the outset, but it's malarkey.  I wouldn't attempt that approach.

Silas relationships are built solely on attraction.  Attraction between Samson men is built on respect.  Respect is a broad term.  Men usually respect each other based on aspiration / shared interests & goals.  It takes time for attraction to be recognized as distinct combined with time to muster the courage to ask another man to be your Silas.  Now that one year has passed, it's time to do just that.

-------------------------

Fourthly, you need to take stock.  If you started this journey by challenging yourself to attend (90) Samson Society meetings in (90) days or somesuch, that's all well and good.  But now that one year has passed, you need to stop and think about what your needs are going forward.  

Because Samson Society is jam-packed with Type A extroverts, you're likely going to hear plentiful amounts of commentary regarding "what you need to do next", but this is all horseshit.  There's no set order of operation within this ministry.  That's why it offers so much continually (& on repeat).  

Perhaps it's time for you to throttle back on meetings?  Maybe it's time for you to write you story.  Perhaps it's time for you to attend the National Retreat, begin actively listening to the Pirate Monk podcast, reading recommended books, attending an Intensive weekend.  And on and on...

Take stock.

-------------------------

Lastly, and this one's depressing to cite, you've got to stick with your guns relative to why you're here (you're here for your recovery).

Samson Society has a sister org dubbed "The Sarah Society".  Modeled after Samson Society, it was established to serve wives of Samson guys.  Unfortunately, it's been rife with interpersonal conflict (gossip) that's impacted its effectiveness.  

Having been a part of this community of men for one year, you've now officially "been around the block" with a posse of broken men.  You've met with them weekly (sometimes on more than one occasion), therefore you know them & their situation quite well (particularly considering the personal content).  You may have even traveled to an Intensive weekend that many of them too were a part of.  

Lots and lots of good 'ol fashioned together time!

And this can breed the temptation to "cross pollinate" (gossip) between Samson friends.  Do not fall into this trap.  

As your mother once said, "If you don't have something good to say about someone, don't say anything at all."  And to add to that, don't be divulging details (without their explicit permission) about other men's stories to other men.  Instead, stay focused on the man - at hand - and his story, his needs, like one of many sub-folders on your desktop.

-------------------------

In summary:

1.  Are you a giver?

2.  What are you equipped to do now versus where you were at a year prior?

3.  Obtain a Silas.

4.  Take stock of your recovery.

5.  Avoid gossip / tribalism / falling into a Samson clique of guys (this is not middle school)

Recommended Reading

Find Your People . . . Offline (thegospelcoalition.org)