Like father, like son: Research shows young men ‘copy’ their fathers’ masculinity - Study Finds
Friday, April 21, 2023
Thursday, April 20, 2023
"Shame" - Stan S.
Shame and I were intimate companions for many, many years.
It started as a young child with voices telling me I was not good enough. I was
not a good enough son, I was not fun or attractive enough to have friends, I
was not fit enough to avoid being bullied about my weight, and I was not
masculine enough to elude being called a sissy or “fag”.
The voices only grew louder and more matter-of-fact as I thought I was failing
at becoming a real man. I thought a real man was expected to be athletic,
brave, and confident with women. I did not see myself as any of those things.
This only became worse as I found myself drawn to look at and desire men, and
long to have deep connection. This was the worst shame as I was taught to
believe that being gay was the worst of all sins because it was both ungodly
and disgusting. My father believed all gay people should be executed because
they groomed children into their lifestyle. Being attracted to the same sex was
not acceptable.
So, I started building the facade. Who I am is not acceptable, so I will have
to make myself into something I’m not. So, I worked hard to be decent at
sports, joined a fraternity, and learned to watch football, and pursue women. I
worked hard to be “manly” in the worlds eyes, all the while feeling like a
complete fraud.
I got married, had kids, and hid my secret shame of same sex attraction for 30
years. I told absolutely no one, and even was able to convince myself to a
certain degree.
But the shame took its toll. On the outside my life looked good to everyone,
but on the inside, my spirit was decaying. I had given my heart to Jesus, but I
was afraid to trust him fully and felt unworthy of his love.
At first, I thought the shame would keep me safe. I depended on the shame to
prevent me from failing, and to prop up the facade I had built. What I didn’t realize,
was how shame had snuck around through the back door to destroy me from within.
Slowly, despair and resignation filled my soul. I became exhausted with the
weight of the disguise and started hearing new lies: “None of this
matters.” “You aren’t really loved or lovable as you are.” and “You are such a
total fraud!”
So, in a moment, I gave up and gave in to my sin. However, instead of the
expected relief and gratification, all it brought me was more shame in greater
magnitude.
Thankfully, I did have my faith. The Holy Spirit was so kind to pursue me,
speak gently, and give me hope. He gently showed me the difference
between a healing conviction that breaks down the lies, and toxic shame which
only hides and condemns.
I was able to confess my sin and begin the healing process of overcoming the
distortion of my desires, and begin to accept and love the unique expression of
manhood that God placed in me. I’m still on this journey, but Jesus has been so
kind to walk slowly with me, and bring godly people in my life to show me the
power of the new covenant of grace. I truly have hope that I am being restored
to the holy purpose for which I was designed.
I have learned to not be ashamed of my desires, but to sit with them and
uncover what about them are true needs, and what is the lie. For me, the truth
is, God made me for deep relationship and connection. He made me to see and
admire the beautiful way he created men and praise him for the way we reflect
his strength, confidence, and tender mercy. He has taught me the spiritual
power of physical connection through a hug, holding hands during prayer, and
putting a hand on a shoulder to manifest care through a physical modality. The
distortion is the lie that any need for male connection has to be sexual. The
Enemy of our soul does not typically tell us outright lies. He has found it
more effective to distort the truth and mix in a heavy dose of fear and shame.
In closing, the Lord has used his Word to unveil truth throughout this process,
but this passage has been especially meaningful because of the intimate
language the author uses in the way He desires to connect with us, dispel the
shame, and give us a fulfilling and significant life as we walk the healing
path of his grace:
“Yahweh, you are my soul’s celebration. How could I ever forget the miracles of
kindness you’ve done for me? You kissed my heart with forgiveness, in spite of
all I’ve done. You’ve healed me inside and out from every disease. You’ve
rescued me from hell and saved my life. You’ve crowned me with love and mercy.
You satisfy my every desire with good things. You’ve supercharged my life so
that I soar again like a flying eagle in the sky!”
Psalms 103:2-5 TPT
Wednesday, April 19, 2023
Nate Talked About Personas ("Holographic" Versions Of Oneself) Whilst Leading (As Usual) With Weakness
Thursday, (4/13)'s men's evening featuring Mr. Nate Larkin was a wonderful experience. So many old friends, gathered together to celebrate / recognize Nate's contribution to recovery. (There were a number of men there who I remembered their face, but...)
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Mr. Nate Larkin succinctly told his story, and as usual, he had no issues with stating the obvious (without making a single joke regarding) relative to who God created him to be. This effectively demonstrates humility, and immediately disarmed the crowd.
He quickly began describing "personas" or created images ("Saint, Mate, Career-Nate") of himself relative to circumstances his diminutive / near-sighted authentic self found himself within.
There were some profound statements made regarding these personas in comparison to his real self. I wish I could remember them.
Nate, of course, talked explicitly about his powerfully stifling relationship to lust, whether in the form of print / Internet porn or illicit, adulterous relations and how it further fueled his drive to present / establish / re-invent these numerous personas. Whilst doing so, he gave the audience an idea as to how much of his time / energy spent as a pastor, husband, father was siphoned off due to this.
He went on to describe D-day for himself in grisly detail (between he and his sweet wife) prior to highlighting the brief helpfulness brought forth due to a unplanned relocation (FL to TN in order to be close to grandkids / children).
From there, his narrative shifted towards seeking out / finding a recovery methodology that worked for him (all well before writing Samson and the Pirate Monks / launching the Samson Society).
Nate concluded by talking briefly about his passion: Samson Society's growth, but not at all in line with touting his involvement. Instead, his focus was / is always celebrating the continued momentum relative to Samson connections (face-to-face & virtual) / slow and meaningful restorations.
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From there, a virtual Samson Society meeting facilitator spoke briefly along with a local men's ministry guy. Both testimonies were powerfully heartfelt and sincere, serving as a fantastic pivot.
A Samson Society board member then segued by asking the audience for contributions. This was awkward but no doubt necessary. His determined effort was appreciated.
A roundtable discussion was executed before closing out the evening. There were 3-4 questions asked. One of the roundtable participants talked passionately about the church needing to raise up emotionally intelligent men - in line with what Jesus modeled (particularly through its preaching). I'm still chewing on that one. I think it's a worthwhile concept. I'd love to hear more about this and what it might actually look like.
As a sidenote, I caught a ride home with two Samson guys (due to my car having a flat tire). Part of the dialogue therein had to do with this notion of the church rearing emotionally intelligent men. Obviously, that resonated with a cross section.
Tuesday, April 18, 2023
Monday, April 17, 2023
Thursday, April 13, 2023
"Easter Reflections" - JR Everhart (I Apologize For This Post's Tardiness)
As I reflect on my faith this Easter 2023 weekend, I’m reminded of how I take it all for granted. - God's love, and Grace, Jesus’ sacrifice, death, and resurrection. Taking comfort in him is so much a part of my life that I regularly forget the price that was paid to provide me access to that comfort. I’m a sinner, there’s no question about that. Nonetheless, I miss the mark regularly and thank God the world around me doesn’t hear my thoughts or see the struggles I engage in privately.
But God sees those struggles and refuses to give up on me. He’s always ready to sit down and share a meal with me and just talk about my pain and struggles. My story is full of many details that most do not care to talk about all of which I have spent the last ten years talking about with my recovery family. But we all have a story, and for those of us who've been victimized, either we choose to hate the people as well as the world that has victimized us, or we choose to forgive, rebuild, restore, and live in freedom. It's a fact that guilt and shame has been such a part of my life for so long that it’s almost like wearing an old pair of sneakers. I’m used to how they fit no matter how bad their worn-out soles are for my feet. I’m a broken man in so many ways that I’ve come to accept that parts of me will never be fixed ('till glory). Parts of me are still so connected to the trauma from my past that it will only die when I move forward into glory. Always in desperate need of a Savior, someone that can be strong enough to do for me what I cannot do for myself (get it right 100% of the time).
Because I’ve tried close to everything this world has to offer, finding that nothing truly satisfies quite like reaching out to you, knowing I’m enough - in spite of all my junk. Not because of anything I’ve done, but because of everything you did for me at Calvary. The healing and growth I’ve experienced has only flowed from the cross and under the redemptive blood you shed for me. When I deserved death, you became death for me. When I’m lost in prideful sin, and the lust of my eyes, you call out my name and draw me toward you. No matter how lost I’ve found myself, over and over again, I could still feel you tugging at me - all the while just wishing to sit down and talk about it with me. Thank you Jesus for loving me a million times over when I couldn’t even love myself. Thank you for never giving up on me and making me feel like I have purpose in this world. I am not lost, I’m just clumsy at being a Christian. But I am worthy of love and acceptance. I have value even in the face of the demons of hell constantly throwing my failures in my face. I am an over-comer through Christ Jesus. Great is his power to extinguish the lies of the enemy. Thank you, Lord for hanging on that cross 2003 years ago whilst looking into the future and seeing this overweight kid in WV that would need you desperately. To overcome the horrors of this world and find peace and purpose to walk forward each and every day. My heart belongs to you, Lord I belong to you… 🙌🏻
Wednesday, April 12, 2023
A Wife's (Marital) Sexual Charms / Scorecard = A Husband's Sexual Faithfulness To His Marriage...!?!
Is the wife in anyway responsible for her husband's faithfulness within their marriage? That's the ultimate question as it pertains to the title of this post.
You've likely heard husbands comfortably saddle wives with the responsibility of keeping their libidos satiated / tamed. Some of these men are pastors who've boldly made those claims from the pulpit.
Again, Is she responsible in this regard as the wife of her husband?
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This is about as cut-&-dry an issue (for some men) as making weekly date nights a priority for married couples, or husbands bringing their wives flowers once a week.
And we men, overall, like cut-&-dry. It simplifies by shirking the responsibility solely onto someone else.
A recent "experiental" video that was presented (as our topical jumping off point) within the virtual Samson Society meeting I regularly attend featured Mr. Robbie Harvey (YouTube) talking about serendipitously "depositing love / goodness" into his wife (daily) and receiving two-fold love / goodness in return. Every time. Now that's manly cut-&-dryness. It's reliable and easy to understand whilst being quite covertly manipulative / passive aggressive.
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If you were to look at marriage as a kaleidoscope relationship that's rotating (& thereby transforming) - to some degree - daily (if not hourly) versus a static, formulaic program, I'm convinced that it not only will be seen much more accurately but appreciated / extolled far more relative to its ever-changing, complex beauty.
As such, blanket active / reactive statements regarding marriage would immediately be pushed aside as inappropriate / unfair / stupid.
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I'm convinced that Satan lures husbands into this over-simplified fray by exploiting their hardwiring as problem solvers who may very well be biased towards performance (as many men are).
If that's you, be wary of this sort of dumbass thinking towards marriage. It's dangerous, ineffective, and a huge waste of time. Unless you're married to a robot woman.
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