When I first stepped foot into an in-person Samson Society meeting in Jackson, MS back in 2014, I did so out of desperation. I was in tremendous emotional pain, having become overwrought with shame associated with the previous year's job loss / career change / rejection and scorn from my superiors at Delta State. It was so extreme that Satan definitely had achieved the upper hand (there was a season where I kept hearing those words: "Why don't you just kill yourself?").
Never had I experienced such emotional trauma / devastation. And on the surface, I knew it was simply a job loss at a wholly insignificant institution located smack dab in the center of the most impoverished region of the United States. Lots of folks lose jobs. Besides, I was young and why couldn't I simply chalk this up to a "learning experience" and move forward?
Because...
I was in my early 40s at the time, and ripe for (finally) finding affirmation and respect, both of which I felt as if (at long last) I deserved. Plus, I'd up & moved my family to the MS Delta to take this position somewhat out of pity for the institution / VP of Finance (who I had a solid professional relationship with via my previous job with the state of MS).
And this crux had nothing to do with being a husband or a father. Instead, it had everything to do with being identified and respected as Rob, the architect, leader, listener, friend and shall I say MAN.
All men desire to be seen. They desire to have other men (& women) speak conclusively into their lives in such a way that brings clarity as to their place in the world. Though I'd pretty much concluded that this wouldn't be happening to me, when the new President was appointed (& one year later) alongside the VP of Finance (my direct report), all the stars seemingly had aligned. These men were fully capable / equipped to gift me with what I'd been longing for all of my life.
But when I inadvertently offered them a glimpse as to who I was on the inside (& subsequently what I was struggling with), I instantly became a liability, in their sight, to the institution itself.
-------------------------
Colleges have clients, and those clients are children / young adults. Therefore, colleges work exceedingly hard to present themselves as safe in regard to their clientele. Hence, professors, administrators who even hint at sexual deviance much less provide a window for the institution to fully see inside said deviance, aren't going to survive.
Me using the college's software / hardware to post online (publicly) about my deep seated shame as it pertained to my homosexual desires combined with my dabbling into gay porn itself singled me out like none other.
And keep in mind that I pulled no punches within my (online) writings as to just how despicable I felt trying and failing, trying and failing to manage my situation alone.
For I sat at the top of the masculine food chain as the Director of Planning and Administration at Facilities Management. There were more men reporting to me than I could shake a stick at, many of which I was intensely sexually attracted to. Not to mention men outside of that department + contractors, etc. I felt like The Weather Girls.
-------------------------
Had I not
1) made a concerted effort to bolster my situation (early on in that year) by sitting down with our church's Assistant Pastor and sharing my story combined with
2) a letter I hand delivered to our Senior Pastor (immediately prior to us lunching) six months later
I truly would have begun to believe the accusations Satan so expertly screamed in my face.
What were those exactly?
I can sum it up in what my (new) boss said directly to my face (w/ the institution's HR Director by his side) as we met in his office there in September 2013.
"We don't want people like you here."
-------------------------
Now, let's return to that first (standard format) Samson meeting in August 2014.
We met for an hour in Mr. Don Waller's office (all nine of us men) prior to heading to Trustmark Park to watch a baseball game / eat dinner. And throughout that game, I engaged with a number of my Samson brothers, mostly out of curiosity (as to their stories / the community itself) whilst relaxing there at the ball field.
And then a new guy showed up just a few weeks later on a subsequent Wednesday night at 6 PM. And he was gorgeous. And when I say gorgeous, I mean, stunningly gorgeous. And this man was truly defeated, having not only heard that same phrase being bestowed onto him (of all people!) but really, really deserving it.
And interestingly enough, it was his physical beauty / sensuality that played the primary role in him torpedoing everything (relationally / professionally) that he held dear.
And, lo & behold, I took the initiative to reach out to this stud, and before long, I was serving him as his Silas. Why?
Because it seemed like the right thing to do, & he was just so damn good looking.
--------------------------
What I took from that relationship, deep down, was the truth that ultimately, I had dodged a situational bullet. Considering that truth, it was impossible to truly come to grips with until I finally made peace with the fact that the masculine affirming / mentoring I had so desired simply wasn't ever to be.
Therefore, where might that come from and how?
-------------------------
If you spend years and years seeking out folks whose vehicles are broke down (& seemingly irreparable) along the highway ROWs, and you stop EVERY TIME to support them in their crisis, you begin to learn a thing or two about people and automobile repair not to mention yourself and your own vehicle. Specifically, you can't help but take note of what you're driving day in and day out and how it too is (or is not) being maintained.
This pursuit of helpfulness takes you far and wide emotionally / spiritually as you learn / hear about people's stories as you're stationed there within their crisis (with traffic zooming past).
And the beauty in all of this is you will eventually be left behind by these folks, and for me, this represents the perfect opportunity (& motivation) to seek out fresh blood (new story / fresh persona), so to speak. Which means, there's no long-term commitment to any of these completely freestyle junctures.
The overarching fact of the matter is...
When men are in emotional dire straits, they'll drop their guard for just about any weirdo. And, there's no doubt in my mind, that I'm just about as weird as they come.
-------------------------
In closing, a lot of these men fall in love with Rob, or at least a version of Rob that they choose to fall in love with.
And this is simply due to the fact that an awful lot of them have experienced a similar masculine affirmation vacuum as I have. This combined with simply feeling safe to express their feelings alongside a more effeminate man can amp up the use of that word. And that's fine by me.
Some have even cried when I announced that it was time for me to move on.
Ultimately, Samson Society is my GPS that guides me to these dumpster fires. And I just make myself comfortable whilst trying to steer clear of the smoke.
There's a lot to be said for finding clarity about oneself through the actions / very purpose of an organization like Samson Society. And yes, it does help to be naturally curious combined with furiously determined to love oneself outright (despite the scars), though absolutely not for qualities of character. Instead, actions / movement / sacrifice towards those whose situations demand it must take precedent.
For me, at least, this approach has resulted in precious time, through the years, being very well spent.