As I reflect on my faith this Easter 2023 weekend, I’m reminded of how I take it all for granted. - God's love, and Grace, Jesus’ sacrifice, death, and resurrection. Taking comfort in him is so much a part of my life that I regularly forget the price that was paid to provide me access to that comfort. I’m a sinner, there’s no question about that. Nonetheless, I miss the mark regularly and thank God the world around me doesn’t hear my thoughts or see the struggles I engage in privately.
But God sees those struggles and refuses to give up on me. He’s always ready to sit down and share a meal with me and just talk about my pain and struggles. My story is full of many details that most do not care to talk about all of which I have spent the last ten years talking about with my recovery family. But we all have a story, and for those of us who've been victimized, either we choose to hate the people as well as the world that has victimized us, or we choose to forgive, rebuild, restore, and live in freedom. It's a fact that guilt and shame has been such a part of my life for so long that it’s almost like wearing an old pair of sneakers. I’m used to how they fit no matter how bad their worn-out soles are for my feet. I’m a broken man in so many ways that I’ve come to accept that parts of me will never be fixed ('till glory). Parts of me are still so connected to the trauma from my past that it will only die when I move forward into glory. Always in desperate need of a Savior, someone that can be strong enough to do for me what I cannot do for myself (get it right 100% of the time).
Because I’ve tried close to everything this world has to offer, finding that nothing truly satisfies quite like reaching out to you, knowing I’m enough - in spite of all my junk. Not because of anything I’ve done, but because of everything you did for me at Calvary. The healing and growth I’ve experienced has only flowed from the cross and under the redemptive blood you shed for me. When I deserved death, you became death for me. When I’m lost in prideful sin, and the lust of my eyes, you call out my name and draw me toward you. No matter how lost I’ve found myself, over and over again, I could still feel you tugging at me - all the while just wishing to sit down and talk about it with me. Thank you Jesus for loving me a million times over when I couldn’t even love myself. Thank you for never giving up on me and making me feel like I have purpose in this world. I am not lost, I’m just clumsy at being a Christian. But I am worthy of love and acceptance. I have value even in the face of the demons of hell constantly throwing my failures in my face. I am an over-comer through Christ Jesus. Great is his power to extinguish the lies of the enemy. Thank you, Lord for hanging on that cross 2003 years ago whilst looking into the future and seeing this overweight kid in WV that would need you desperately. To overcome the horrors of this world and find peace and purpose to walk forward each and every day. My heart belongs to you, Lord I belong to you… 🙌🏻
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