"Shame" - Stan S.

Shame and I were intimate companions for many, many years.

It started as a young child with voices telling me I was not good enough. I was not a good enough son, I was not fun or attractive enough to have friends, I was not fit enough to avoid being bullied about my weight, and I was not masculine enough to elude being called a sissy or “fag”.

The voices only grew louder and more matter-of-fact as I thought I was failing at becoming a real man. I thought a real man was expected to be athletic, brave, and confident with women. I did not see myself as any of those things.

This only became worse as I found myself drawn to look at and desire men, and long to have deep connection. This was the worst shame as I was taught to believe that being gay was the worst of all sins because it was both ungodly and disgusting. My father believed all gay people should be executed because they groomed children into their lifestyle. Being attracted to the same sex was not acceptable.

So, I started building the facade. Who I am is not acceptable, so I will have to make myself into something I’m not. So, I worked hard to be decent at sports, joined a fraternity, and learned to watch football, and pursue women. I worked hard to be “manly” in the worlds eyes, all the while feeling like a complete fraud.

I got married, had kids, and hid my secret shame of same sex attraction for 30 years. I told absolutely no one, and even was able to convince myself to a certain degree.

But the shame took its toll. On the outside my life looked good to everyone, but on the inside, my spirit was decaying. I had given my heart to Jesus, but I was afraid to trust him fully and felt unworthy of his love.

At first, I thought the shame would keep me safe. I depended on the shame to prevent me from failing, and to prop up the facade I had built. What I didn’t realize, was how shame had snuck around through the back door to destroy me from within. Slowly, despair and resignation filled my soul. I became exhausted with the weight of the disguise and started hearing new lies:  “None of this matters.” “You aren’t really loved or lovable as you are.” and “You are such a total fraud!”

So, in a moment, I gave up and gave in to my sin. However, instead of the expected relief and gratification, all it brought me was more shame in greater magnitude.

Thankfully, I did have my faith. The Holy Spirit was so kind to pursue me, speak gently, and give me hope.  He gently showed me the difference between a healing conviction that breaks down the lies, and toxic shame which only hides and condemns.

I was able to confess my sin and begin the healing process of overcoming the distortion of my desires, and begin to accept and love the unique expression of manhood that God placed in me. I’m still on this journey, but Jesus has been so kind to walk slowly with me, and bring godly people in my life to show me the power of the new covenant of grace. I truly have hope that I am being restored to the holy purpose for which I was designed.

I have learned to not be ashamed of my desires, but to sit with them and uncover what about them are true needs, and what is the lie. For me, the truth is, God made me for deep relationship and connection. He made me to see and admire the beautiful way he created men and praise him for the way we reflect his strength, confidence, and tender mercy. He has taught me the spiritual power of physical connection through a hug, holding hands during prayer, and putting a hand on a shoulder to manifest care through a physical modality. The distortion is the lie that any need for male connection has to be sexual. The Enemy of our soul does not typically tell us outright lies. He has found it more effective to distort the truth and mix in a heavy dose of fear and shame.

In closing, the Lord has used his Word to unveil truth throughout this process, but this passage has been especially meaningful because of the intimate language the author uses in the way He desires to connect with us, dispel the shame, and give us a fulfilling and significant life as we walk the healing path of his grace:

“Yahweh, you are my soul’s celebration. How could I ever forget the miracles of kindness you’ve done for me? You kissed my heart with forgiveness, in spite of all I’ve done. You’ve healed me inside and out from every disease. You’ve rescued me from hell and saved my life. You’ve crowned me with love and mercy. You satisfy my every desire with good things. You’ve supercharged my life so that I soar again like a flying eagle in the sky!”
Psalms 103:2-5 TPT