Recommended Viewing

Being Pursued Platonically

When I entered architecture school at Mississippi State University back in 1990, I was fortunate to gain acceptance into the full program, therefore at Day 1, I had access to all of the necessary freshman classes (including the notorious 4-hour Mon. / Wed. / Fri. Design Studio) that I was required to pass in order to gain access to Year Two through Year Five.

But not everyone was as fortunate as I was.  There was also a "Summer Track" for those who failed to gain full access as freshmen, and this particular track required intensive Design Studio summer coursework (Mon.-Fri. for 8 weeks) post-freshman year.  From there, if you passed those summer courses, you were allowed to merge into Year Two with the original class.  All in all, once these two groups were combined, we had +/-45 students at the start of Year Two.

As you might imagine, I found myself appointed to the group that had the emotional upper hand because I'd had a summer off in between my freshman and sophomore year from architecture school.  Plus, there was simply the notion that I was somewhat "more qualified" than my summer school peers since I'd gained full access to the degree program at Day One as a freshmen.

And, whilst reminiscing, I certainly witnessed the ramifications of this discrepancy within some of my summer school (now) peer group.  

Specifically, I can recall one student from Memphis who struggled mightily with the Second Year Design Studio coursework, and primarily, I believe this struggle was rooted in his difficulty in making friends amongst the +/-45 member Second Year architecture school class.

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During my tenure at Mississippi State University, I was also a clarinet player within the Maroon Band, therefore I was obligated to attend all of the football games that the marching band supported (which was 90% of the scheduled fall games).  

I recall having the opportunity to attend the Liberty Bowl - MSU vs Air Force (with my clarinet in tow) during Christmas break of my sophomore year, and having the good fortune of running into this student from Memphis.  He was all smiles as he excitedly asked me if I was still within the architecture program.  I replied with a resounding YES, and this brought on an even bigger grin across his face.  From there, he could hardly contain himself by exclaiming his decision to leave the architecture degree program (and MSU altogether) behind.  

I remember standing there on the sidelines looking confused and a bit flummoxed, but eventually, I realized that his quitting had freed him from isolation and all the misery therein.  

And some of that misery and isolation, I had indirectly contributed to, due to the fact that I was on the "higher end" of the aforementioned sophomore year hierarchal discrepancy.  

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What makes an individual relationally compelling?  What are those traits that provide a bit of a gateway for some individuals to be pursued platonically and others not?  

Speaking specifically about this Memphis guy, I offer the following recollections combined with experience with others like him (including me).

1.  Take an interest in other men.  

1b.  Ask thoughtful questions of these men.

2.  Try to put yourself within other men's shoes.

And that's really it.  

Now, let's expound on these.

1.  Because we human beings are constantly self analyzing, stroking / managing our egos, it takes genuine effort to actually pivot our attention from ourselves to another human being for any length of time.  But this must be accomplished if you're going to be successful in gaining friends.  Too, we need to realize that since 99.9% of our time is devoted to this, that .1% that remains can most certainly be relinquished sans complaining.  I've heard more often than not that guys can come away from initial junctures with potential friends and feel as if they were called to listen too much.  But what they've failed to realize is that whilst given an opportunity, many men will not hold back in advancing in that direction, particularly if they've made the decision to invest their story (into someone else) for such a time as that.

Now, let's circle back to that one student from Memphis that I mentioned earlier on.  

This student, just like the rest of us, was required to be in the second year studio space from 1 PM - 5 PM every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday there in the architecture building.  He was assigned a drafting table and stool just like his +/-45 peers.  And that drafting table was amongst all the others (though from what I can recall, his was on the perimeter of the studio space).  

That 4 hour, thrice-weekly class was every architecture students' time to design pretend buildings - for the most part - that had been assigned to us by our team of professors.  And we had a lot of leeway in that class to mull around and critique each other's - in progress - work.

This one student from Memphis never took the opportunity to do anything for those 4 hours except work silently at his drafting table.  In fact, none of us even knew his name because he was literally silent - at all times.  In fact, the only time I believe I'd ever heard him actually speak was during the aforementioned Liberty Bowl juncture.

Now, I get that this young man may have had a shitload of personal stuff going on in the background that no one else was privy to, but even so, he was amongst an assigned, highly streamlined peer group.  And we were all highly collaborative and overall very supportive (even taking the two sub-groups into consideration).  

1b.  When I was appointed to the position of Staff Architect with the Department of Finance & Administration (State of Mississippi), back in 2006, I was mated to an existing bureaucrat (who'd worked there +/-3 years), and as such, we were teamed to oversee both the planning (me) and construction (him) of publicly funded projects within a certain region of the state assigned to us as a team.  

It was my hope at day one of my new job to befriend this now teammate of mine, but I was unsuccessful in doing so, therefore throughout the 6 years I worked there, my relationship with him was icy at best.  

Why?

Because none of my initial questions / comments to him during my warmup (90) days had any real thoughtfulness behind them.  Instead, what came out of my mouth towards him was mostly driven by emotion.  And this reeked of arrogance or outright unintelligence (both emotional and cognitive).  In fact, I can actually remember me driving the final nail into the coffin of our fledging friendship via yet another dumbass question from Rob.

No one wants to befriend a dumbass.  I mean, who needs the hassle?  Therefore, he chose not to befriend me.

As a result of this stupidity on my part, those (6) years at DFA were not nearly as enjoyable as they could have been had I simply made more of an effort relative to thoughtfully communicating with this newfound colleague.

2.  And this last one is the hardest of all.  But I will say this, it gets a whole lot easier to accomplish this one when you're a middle-aged man versus a young man.  Gray hair equates to experience, and that experience is what enriches a middle-aged man's outlook on so many things.  

Yet, experience does not begat wisdom.  Wisdom is a gift from God, and I believe the foundation of wisdom is taking the time to rake through the "leaves of the past".  Methodically and with intentions towards learning.  Learning that's centered on maturation, sanctification, and forgiveness whilst being cocooned in humility.  

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My Silas was just recently appointed to a new administrative position over the summer, and like I was when I was his age (he's decades younger than I am), he's been both elated to have been affirmed via this appointment and overwhelmed at the thought of the newfound responsibilities therein.  Hence, all of these emotional and cognitive climaxes have had him obsessed with nothing but THE NEW J-O-B over the past +/-45 days.

And this has been to the point of me being intentional about pulling back a bit.  For he simply hasn't had any spare grey matter for anything but THE NEW J-O-B, therefore there was no point in me attempting to lean in to my brother.  Instead, I simply had to be patient with him.  For it's not everyday that this type of milestone occurs.

But, the situation is beginning to change somewhat, particularly now that he's experienced one full week of his official administrative duties within the new position.

So, in light of what I detailed above (1, 1b, 2), here's my forecasted next move.

I telephoned him on Friday, (8/13) and he returned by call yesterday, (8/14).  I asked him specifically about last week (his first full week of administrative duties at new job).  And that was the only point of my call.  Though he did, reflexively, ask about my outlook, I deflected the question, and really worked hard to interrogate him further thoughtfully about THE NEW J-O-B.

Then I asked him if it could be arranged for me to come visit him on the job soon in order to see firsthand the new setting he's working within.

And this is where I struck gold.

You could tell he was struggling to contain the excitement in his voice as he imagined me stepping into his vocational realm as his brother.  And what I mean by that term "brother" is someone with a lengthy personal history (he and I have walked together formally - via Samson Society - since early 2019).  

In closing, I hope this idea pans out.  For I want this pursuit (his pursuit of me) to continue to be earned / vetted out between the two of us.  No matter how hard or inconvenient it may seem to be.  

There is nothing more valuable to me than nurturing friendships that meet my personal needs.  Samson Society, throughout the past 7 years, has served as the ultimate petri dish (streamlined, assigned peer group) for these relationships to mature out of.

Recommended Reading

 Digital Addictions Are Drowning Us in Dopamine - WSJ

Recommended Reading

 Platonic Love Is Not a Consolation Prize (msn.com)

Truitt Baptist Church Samson Society Inaugural Meeting Tonight!

You're invited to tonight's Truitt Baptist Church inaugural Samson Society meeting!  

The meeting starts at 6 PM, and here are the specific directions to the room Mr. Matt Flint will be facilitating within:

Truitt Baptist Church - 3705 Old Brandon Road Pearl, MS 39208

"Park in the parking lot on the west side of the building.  There's a door on the south end by the sanctuary.  Take a left down the hall, should be in first room on the left."

Olympic-Sized Lust / Pole Vault Ass Cam / Erection Marketing

Earlier this week, an old Samson friend met me for lunch at a swanky, posh Jackson, Mississippi eatery that's a magnet for rich, white people, and on this particular sultry Mississippi August day, they were out in droves.

Most of these rich, white people were women, many very beautiful women with seductive figures and cosmetically accentuated countenances, some wearing Buck Rogers-inspired tight-fitting attire or little to bare minimum in clothing in order to stave off the relentless summer heat (whilst showing off their curves).  

Hanging from the rafters within the outdoor dining space of this particular eatery was a massive television that just happened to be screening the Summer Olympics, and wouldn't you know it, the women's pole vault competition was in full swing!  Needless to say, beautiful asses and tits were circumnavigating us.

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Many years ago, I had lunch with another old Samson friend at a similarly swanky Metro Jackson, Mississippi restaurant, and we actually had to cut our meal short in order for him to vacate the premises.  I remember one particularly stunning female traipsing in, and as she did so, I watched all the blood drain out of my friend's face as his eyes latched onto to her longingly for a few intense seconds.  

I had commented earlier that eating there felt as if we'd been whisked away to Los Angeles, California, and soon thereafter, this beautiful woman walked in (which served as further evidence).  And then we walked out, leaving our protein bowls and frozen greek yogurt behind.

And by the way, this particular Samson friend now resides with his family in one of the most rural spots (that I'm privy to) in beautiful Mississippi.  Far away from the posh, swankiness of suburban Jackson eateries frequented by rich, white people.  And this allows me to sleep better at night.

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Decades ago, I was attending a northeast Jackson, Mississippi 12-step group somewhat sporadically, and within the group I befriended an intensely personable - native Mississippi man who was close to my age.  This man's story shared similar traits as my own, and as such, our budding friendship was the most compelling reason for me to remain engaged within the group (everyone else was a lot older than I was).  Around this time, the Summer Olympics were being held, and I recall receiving an unexpected landline telephone call from my new friend regarding this one Saturday afternoon.  

He'd been screening the men's gymnastics, and as such, was feeling overwhelmed by his now very sexually aroused state.  Watching those young muscular men, wearing nothing but skin-tight tanks / leggings, left nothing to the imagination (especially between their legs).  Therefore, my friend felt overwhelmed with sexual desire when arguably most viewers were simply interested in the rankings.  Or were they?

This telephone conversation set in motion for me the notion of decoupling myself (& my family) completely from CATV.  And it wasn't long afterwards that I did so.

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Dr. John Piper as well as his entire Desiring God troupe exult the notion of squashing lustful thinking with "a greater joy".  That "greater joy" being one's intensely desirous allegiance to pleasing God.  Not out of duty but instead love.  Love for a spirit that cannot be seen nor touched except through our heart of hearts.  Intense love and affection that's grown out of saving faith.

But we are not a culture of heart seekers who're interested - in the least - with the internal much less the eternal.  Instead, we're groomed to solely focus on the external (visual) - all the time 24/7/365 within the present.  Head to toe.  Backwards and forwards.  Whether we're sizing each other up whilst out and about or watching our ever present entertainment via those ubiquitous flat screens.  

So what do we do about this?  How do we re-wire our brains to look inward at both ourselves and others?

Easy.

Take drastic steps.

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My Samson friend, whom I was eating with earlier in the week at the aforementioned posh Jackson, Mississippi eatery, just did something in this regard that I greatly respect.

He went from a longstanding commitment to a suburban mega-church to a newfound commitment to a Podunk country church that's essentially just one suburban municipality over.  Now, this move was justified with circumstantial logic, but in terms of spiritual pragmatics, it made all the more sense for him specifically. 

When I'm around this friend (especially within public settings), it's so apparent how enslaved he is to the external (visual).  His overall focus is reduced dramatically due to this (which annoys me greatly).  And it's been this way ever since I've known him.  

To be more specific, I know this friend so well that my heart hurts to see how vulnerable he is - in real time.  It makes me feel powerless.

So, how might a church membership move - from suburban mega-church to Podunk country church benefit him in this regard?

I would argue that Podunk country church is mainly attended by parishioners who're only there to take in God's word, worship, and serve.  In lieu of (a handful) these same earnest folks (at the suburban mega-church) co-mingling with a boatload of socialites who make the time to attend in order to strut their hot bods whilst talking politics / their golf game out in the luxury SUV-filled parking lot.

Notice I mentioned "who're there to strut their hot bods".  That's a key point.  Don't miss that about certain churches.

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The first pastor friend of Rob's (+/-12 years ago) was an Associate Pastor.  This meant that he rarely preached, but instead did his fair share of (exemplary) behind the scenes organizing, etc. at the church where he served.  And this guy was content with this work at the time, which honestly was quite weird, because he was an excellent preacher with far more potential than had been tapped into.  Nonetheless, he was willing to befriend me, therefore I kept my mouth shut regarding this and simply enjoyed our time spent together.  

My Associate Pastor friend's wife was a knockout.  And she knew it, and loved to flaunt it.  So much so, that she'd at times show up to his church - just barely - dressed.  

This blonde bombshell loved to exercise (she was hyperactively anxious which fueled her exercise obsession), and as a result, her expertly toned body displayed her hard work for every heterosexual man (& homosexual woman) to potentially lust after.

I remember seeing her on one occasion leaving the church house on one Sunday morning at quite a brisk pace (but with a sly grin on her countenance).  She rarely attended any church functions besides worship on Sunday mornings, and today was likely no different.  Having perhaps slipped in a tad bit late to worship, my assumption was her Associate Pastor husband had given her a look of disapproval (in response to her choice of non-attire) that really only served to reinforce / confirm her rebellious bent.  For her, it was like a dance between the two of them - where she was always in the lead.  

And I knew him well enough to know that he secretly loved participating in this sensualized marital dance, elevating it far above the reality of his calling / duties as a pastor.  For it was as if he'd won the lottery, having her beautiful tits and ass to lie next to (or on top of) each and every night.  As such, her seductive attention more than made up for the doldrums (& low wages) of his Assistant Pastoral duties.

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Let's wrap this one up by dropping a bombshell truth that no one wants to hear (much less say).

The primary value (monetized) of a female, within our western culture, is in her sensuality.  And this is a distortion of Biblical truth for women were not created to be primarily valued as meat or eye candy.

This distortion has come about / been proliferated by / through technology.  Mainly photography - still and video.  As such, women are elevated as objects of intense lust in high definition.  Billions and billions of dollars have been made by exploiting this distortion - by selling everything from lust itself to real estate, cars, and every manner of widget known to man by firstly bringing on an erection.

Now, the same, of course, can be said of men - as objects of lust.  Just not at all to the same degree.

For women's bodies are decidedly more holistically beautiful with their curves and "hidden features" (internal sex organs) that leaves much to the imagination.   

In closing, flee from sexual sin / temptation by making drastic changes to your life.  Do whatever it takes to get off the fence regarding this.  God hates the lukewarm.  And he is not interested in the external (remember Dr. John Piper).  Hence, neither should you be.

And do know that my Samson friend and I have already discussed finding another venue to dine at when we rendezvous next.  One that assists him in keeping his eyes (& head) out of the ditch.

Recommended Viewing - The Gospel Coalition

Recommended Reading - The Atlantic

 Why We Should Talk to Strangers More - The Atlantic

["How Can You Live With Yourself?"]

An SL is a man with Short Legs.  Essentially, his upper body and lower body are more or less equal in length.  Hence, the moniker SL.  Therefore, these men aren't tall which is one of those preferred physical attributes for men within our western culture.  My assumption regarding this particular preferential treatment falls in line with the notion that physical stature equates to physical strength or somesuch. 

The first SL I came to know was the Operator of the Chick-A-Fil I worked at in high school within Northpark Mall.  Chris was not on the lower end (unreasonably short in stature) of the SL scale, but nonetheless, he was definitely an SL.  I remember looking at his build one day and realizing how equalized his upper and lower body were, yet despite this, it in no way changed my opinion of him as a man.  He simply looked like what I'd come to know as Chris - my boss, my friend, and all in all, a surrogate father in many ways.

A lot of guys are SLs.  Many of which are very successful men, but mostly stratospheric success comes to men who're not SLs.  At least whilst taking into consideration all of the non-SLs (tall guys) lumped together collectively.

 

An SL friend had lunch with me recently, and he implied that were he me, he'd not have motivation to live life.  He did this via a rhetorical question that I'd never been asked prior (& believe me, I've been asked some humdingers).  And the root of this implication was grounded within the notion that I'm permanently disabled (due to my sexuality) with no means of even internally (to myself) pretending otherwise.  

I've been pondering this affront / his point of view for some time since, and this has got me thinking a lot about what I've observed of him over the years that we've been friends.

My SL friend wears lifts or cowboy boots almost exclusively.  In fact, throughout my time of knowing him (+/-4 years), there's only been one occasion when he was not "artificially heightened".  And I distinctly remember this occasion for his stature was +/-1.5" less, and this was quite the noticeable difference.

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This same SL friend likes to tout the hotness of his wife and how much regular sexual intimacy they participate in.  Too, he's not one bit remiss to point out other hot women and how decidedly alluring to horny, heterosexual men they truly are (according to his point of view).

Therefore, as you may sense here, the majority of his confidence is rooted in a distinct heterosexual narrative.  

Did I happen to mention that my SL friend is a pastor?  In turn, this further complicates what I'm to think of his adjudication of Rob.

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You'll recall my participation within the Samson Society Blue Ridge retreat a few weeks back.  This retreat was co-lead by my first Silas who now resides in Mobile, AL.  The period of time that he and I were formally connected (Silas to Silee & vice versa) was during the latter third of 2010 to first quarter of 2012.  And it's important to note that our relationship ended swiftly.  It occurred via a schism that I never imagined would eventually be mended, resulting in complete relational (supernatural) restoration.  But it did.  My participation within the Samson Society Blue Ridge retreat was testimony to that unbelievable restoration.

Did I also mention that my first Silas from long ago was also (at that time, but no longer) a pastor?

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I love the church.  For without it, I'd certainly not be a Christian.  Plus, I'd not have met my sweet wife, Angie.  Too, I revere more than any other vocation the pastorate.  In fact, one of the primary reasons I agreed to befriend my first Silas was due to him being a pastor at the time.

Pastors make little money despite (at least within the Presbyterian Church) being required to obtain lengthy credentialing.  They often experience burnout and yet are expected to give of themselves - above and beyond - what they initially envisioned their calling to be.  Many of them have few real friends who aren't parishioners within the church they themselves pastor.  And most, hope forlornly for more affirmation and less criticism, though few receive it.  It's a tough, tough job.  If not the toughest job. 

Pastors' families are never out of the spotlight.  Forever expected to be perfectly suited to their roles as wife / children of "the man".  I cringe at the notion of rearing my own children within that particular paradigm.  

As such, based on what I've SOMETIMES witnessed is this informality within their role.  A comfortableness that's almost in line with being a government employee (bureaucrat).  In tandem with that bureaucratic outlook is the notion that so few really want their job to begin with, therefore...I'm free to let my hair down completely.  No holds barred.

Now, I'M NOT INSINUATING HERE THAT ALL PASTORS ARE SUPER INFORMAL, GOVERNMENT-EMPLOYEE TYPES.  

But I have befriended some who most definitely are (or were).  And I'm grateful for this, but also motivated to pray for these men despite the bruising that's come from their own hands.

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Now, let's return to this notion of SLs wearing lifts or cowboy boots to disguise their true height.  

The question here is as follows.  Are they (internally) better off disguising their SL-ness via their lifts / cowboy boots, or should they simply make peace with their build and stop pretending that they're taller than they truly are?

Another question - Is this method of disguising their true height, taking into consideration all of the implied hoops they go through to maintain the illusion, doing more to falsely bolster their confidence than the illusion is actually attempting to provide?

If you'd allow me to circle all the way back to the beginning of this post, you'll recall me mentioning Rob's archetypical SL.  That being the Operator of the Chick-A-Fil during my high school career there.  This wonderfully influential man made no attempts to disguise his height, and was altogether at peace with his stature / build.  Plus, he knew me just as well as my current pastor friend despite my only being a teen.  Yet, he never, ever implied that I was destined to live my life sans hope or peace despite my obvious struggles (which were readily apparent even then).

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In closing, it's hard to make peace with yourself, no matter who you are.  Especially whilst putting so much stock in how other's view you.  This is a sobering truth that applies to everyone.

But what's worrying is when pastors are struggling more with this than perhaps they should be or want to admit to.  I mean, they're pastors.  Shouldn't they be the most centered, assured, intrinsically selfless of all of us?  

This friendship has now presented a confusing relational quagmire that I've no answer to (which is absolutely okay), but I am now convinced that whilst it not being resolved, said pastor's point of view (projected onto others) is doing some significant distorting.  

I do know this.  Pastor, get a grip / get some help.  We need this of you.  So much of our worth is dependent on how you choose to see us to be / become.  For you represent our understanding of Jesus - in the flesh.

How The Ease Of Access (www) To Gay Porn Changed The Course Of My Life (Sans A Buzz From Booze)

My first Silas had / has an addiction to alcohol (& porn) that resulted (2015) in him receiving his first (& only) DUI whilst traveling for work within beautiful Louisiana.  Interestingly enough, it was his son who'd originally attended a Samson Society meeting, and as such, this fortunate juncture (between his son and the First Baptist Church Jackson Samson Society group) resulted in the perfectly timed referral. 

Years ago, a client of mine from north Mississippi admitted too to receiving a DUI (also his first & only).  I couldn't help but ask him for permission to tell my story in response to his quagmire (he'd just applied for some individual insurance coverage via my family business), and thankfully, he was open to that.  From there, I asked about his porn use, and this question took him aback.  I asked specifically if it was chronic - to any degree - whatsoever.  He stated that he only used porn whilst drinking alcohol, and this piqued my interest as to the deeply effective means alcohol has of lowering one's inhibitions.

Me being a teetotaler - in contrast to my first Silas' lifelong relationship with alcohol (& subsequently porn) - forced me to do a lot of soul searching relative to what exactly was behind my chronic use of online smut.  For I wasn't under the influence of any drug whilst consuming, yet I had no inherent revulsion to it.  Instead, it was almost as if I'd literally struck gold.

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Gay porn is photos / videos of men having sex with either themselves or each other, and having lived within Mississippi all of my life, I'd never witnessed this 'till the Internet came on the scene in the late '90s.  It's heady stuff that's repulsive to many men, but not all.  Before I encountered it online, I'd only imagined sexual activity between men, but I'd never witnessed any version of it - live or Memorex.  Therefore, the Internet opened a doorway for me that should never have been opened, yet because of that exposure, many good outcomes were the result as I'll describe in short order.

Two powerfully evocative emotional responses happened at once when this door was opened for Rob.

1.  I no longer felt alone as a man with my particular sexuality.

2.  I was mesmerized by the infinite amount of pornographic imagery available online combined with the unbelievable beauty and captivating nature of those images.

What number 1 primarily did for me was invoke deep seated sadness and confusion that was rooted in how obviously vulnerable men like myself were to sexual sin and exploitation.  All the while, number 2 spurred me on to consume, consume, consume.  As if I was making up for lost time / opportunity.  Combining these two was heart wrenching for me to take.  For I consistently realized that I was neither helping myself nor these gay porn models in the process.

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I was working at an architecture firm back in the late '90s when all of this Internet porn exposure came to fruition within my life.  And the work was interesting and rewarding, but when Angie and I had our first daughter, I needed an additional job to make our budget work each month (she chose to become a stay-at-home mom).  That side job came in the form of janitorial work (at the same architecture firm I was employed at full-time).  This, combined with a horribly demonic newborn baby girl (who didn't sleep completely through the night 'till she was well over one-year-old), did nothing to stave off my thirst for Internet gay porn.  

These were back during the days of dial-up Internet access, therefore we're talking here about very constricted consumption compared to today.  Nonetheless, even this slow-as-molasses access was enough to wrangle me into a seriously emotionally drained mess - day after day - as it harkened back to what I described above.

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The first sizable course correction for me - which came as a result of the ease of access to Internet gay porn - was my desire to find a job that would relinquish me from sitting in front of a computer all day doing nothing more than repetitive grunt / layman's work.  It wasn't that I minded grunt work nor looked down on it.  In actuality, grunt work was peaceful and low, low stress.  But, I couldn't give it the focus I needed to with an Internet browser icon staring back at me seductively.  

Therefore, this resulted in me taking the necessary risks involved in moving jobs, and for Rob, this just happened to result in a move from the private to the public sector.  And this move enabled me to embrace a much more administrative role that was anything but repetitive.  And I really loved and felt proud to be doing this work (for my home state, no doubt) as a 34-year-old Mississippi architect.

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The second sizable course correction for me had to do with courage.  Seeing the scores of naked men participating in all manner of sexually charged poses / activities inspired me to cease hiding what my true needs were.  I believe that the majority of gay sex - whether it's photographed or not - is an outgrowth of men needing / longing for community at its most basic, animalistic, instinctual level.  Men emote most efficiently in and through sexual activity of any ilk.  This is how God made us.

I've heard stories from young Samson guys who've experienced difficult heterosexual romantic breakups, and as a result, driven to NOLA in order to frequent gay bars in pursuit of hookups.  Hookups to placate their implied "now & forever" loneliness funk.  This may sound extreme, but it points back to men's "special connection" between their brain's emotional core and their genitals.

Too, during this time, I was happily married, yet not known - truly known - by any other men.  

Therefore, I began looking online for a friend.  Someone that God might bring my way who could relate to Rob's situation / identity.  And that person came in the form of an Aussie name Scott who blessed me tremendously with his loyalty and encouragement as a Christian friend for +/-18 exuberantly joy-filled months.  From there, I began to talk about my story with more and more Christian (and eventually pagan) men.  Thankfully, the reactions I received were supportive and helpful if not completely demonstrative of genuine respectfulness towards my situation.  This, in turn, convinced me to expand my horizons that much further.

Eventually, I did find that just having one, two or three men - in the know - regarding my story, wasn't enough.  The circle needed to be ever widened.  Hence, I began blogging, and that's when The Architect's Garage blogspot was born.  By the time that blog (5-year lifespan) gained traction online, I was having close to +/-75 visitors (hits) a day from readers all over the globe.  It was a phenomenally effective and super convenient mouthpiece for Rob and his unique story.

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The third sizable course correction for me had to do with my physical health.  Gay porn blatantly reminded me that men were image bearers of God, therefore there was a responsibility there to take care of one's physical self.  At age 36, I began strength training regularly, and at age 37 or 38, I segued  into combining that with distance running.  As a result, my physical body changed for the better alongside my health.  Plus, it gave me credence to work towards overcoming my anxiety relative to the gym / locker rooms.  And over time, I did overcome that anxiety by God's grace, but it was not at all easy.  

On the flip side of this, I absolutely DID NOT go overboard here.  I knew by overdoing it, (more than twice a week in the gym) I would torpedo my goal of lifelong longevity.  And though I'm likely not the sexiest, swolest guy as a result, that's okay.  Consistency / longevity should be every man's end goal when it comes to physical fitness.  Not specific results or gains.  I believe this wholeheartedly.

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The fourth sizable course correction for me had to do with constraints.  Gay porn opened my eyes to just how certain situations weren't workable - on any level - for Rob, no matter how hard I tried to make them work.  And this pointed back to my vocation.  In particular, the setting therein.  

I experience a sort of emotional nirvana whilst surrounded by men (very similar to a much greater degree to the short circuit available via the consumption of gay porn), and this state of mind allows me, at times, to clearly see myself.  And this is AWESOME.  Yet, though these experiences are fantastic, they take their toll if they're prolonged.  Why?  This state of emotional connection with men allows me to see / feel what they're seeing / feeling, therefore these experiences must be rationed.  Otherwise, I get overwhelmed to the point that I can't process much of anything except what these other individuals have given me the opportunity to "upload".  Because of this, I've been dubbed "highly sensitive".  Perhaps that's a true descriptor.  Whatever it is, I cannot handle certain situations but for very controlled lengths of time before I need to return to my sarcophagus.  Alone.

In summary, too much of this masculine groupthink results in me experiencing emotional overload, and when I reach that state of mind, I'm unable to find my center under just about any circumstance.

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Do I thank God for Internet gay porn?  No, of course not.  But I do believe he's used something meant for so much evil to my advantage.  At least relative to my refinement as a man.

Many years ago, I had an online Christian friend who explained to me how his participating in a handful of gay sex trysts had firsthand opened his eyes to the abnormalcy of homosexual practices.  Now, I realized then as well as now that hearing this wasn't / shouldn't give license for me (or other Christian men) to sin.  Instead, it was speaking to the sovereignty of God - even over evil itself.  And it encouraged me to recognize that shame must not become so consuming that it blinds us to God's goodness and faithfulness even within the hardest of places to discuss / admit to / ruminate over.  

God is no prude.  He's not the church lady.  Plus, he's knows how terribly vulnerable we are here within this fallen world of ours, and I believe we forget how sensitive he is to that truth.  Therefore, never underestimate how holistically clever he truly can be within his pursuit of your heart / faithfulness to him.  It is mind boggling to chronicle, if you'll just take the time to do so.

Recommended Viewing - Face Your Shame

Should Samson Guys Serve As Deacons / Elders?

It depends.

The Bible clearly qualifies deacons / elders, therefore those qualifications must be considered first & foremost.  

Being involved within the Samson Society can bring about stigma, but involvement therein shouldn't disqualify a man for one of these aforementioned positions by default. 

Every Samson guy is on his own personal journey relative to recovery.  And, his recovery may be focused on something that's not even qualified Biblically as sin.  For example, loneliness or grief.  Those are very different struggles than sexual sin, gluttony, drunkenness, etc.  They're not any less difficult, just different from a Biblical perspective.

When I was a much younger man, I was approached twice relative to being nominated for the position of deacon at First Baptist Church Jackson.  And similarly, I've been approached a handful of times (within the same vein) at Lakeside Presbyterian Church.

My litmus test for how I responded to that approach was as follows.

Was I - at that point in time - still actively engaged (regularly) in Rob's struggle with chronic sexual sin (gay porn consumption / lust)?

My answer to that question - each time it was asked internally - was a resounding "YES"!

Therefore, I politely declined each invitation.

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I'm thankful to report that I haven't consumed any gay porn since December of 2020 (thanks to The Path).  There's only been one other time within my life where I've put this much "distance" between myself and gay pornography, and that was +/-10 years ago.

Most men - who attend church (and pastor churches) regularly - consume Internet porn at a similar pace (as their church attendance).  And when I type "Internet porn", I'm not referring to just porn available via the tube (YouPorn) channels (which tends to be hardcore).  I'm referring also to social media, YouTube, Netflix, etc. (which tends to be softcore but no less effectively titillating).

Here's Rob's definition of Internet porn.

Internet porn is any imagery that promulgates lustful thoughts within your grey matter.  And more often than not, these lustful thoughts lead to eventual illicit sexual activity between the individual and someone other than their spouse.

In closing, many Christian men (in leadership positions or not) are on a spiritual trajectory to hell because of their marginalizing these unfortunate decisions.  Therefore, a fair number of men who serve as pastors, elders, deacons within our churches need our prayers for not only wisdom to lead but for the conviction to also extract themselves (repent) from these poor choices.