When I entered architecture school at Mississippi State University back in 1990, I was fortunate to gain acceptance into the full program, therefore at Day 1, I had access to all of the necessary freshman classes (including the notorious 4-hour Mon. / Wed. / Fri. Design Studio) that I was required to pass in order to gain access to Year Two through Year Five.
But not everyone was as fortunate as I was. There was also a "Summer Track" for those who failed to gain full access as freshmen, and this particular track required intensive Design Studio summer coursework (Mon.-Fri. for 8 weeks) post-freshman year. From there, if you passed those summer courses, you were allowed to merge into Year Two with the original class. All in all, once these two groups were combined, we had +/-45 students at the start of Year Two.
As you might imagine, I found myself appointed to the group that had the emotional upper hand because I'd had a summer off in between my freshman and sophomore year from architecture school. Plus, there was simply the notion that I was somewhat "more qualified" than my summer school peers since I'd gained full access to the degree program at Day One as a freshmen.
And, whilst reminiscing, I certainly witnessed the ramifications of this discrepancy within some of my summer school (now) peer group.
Specifically, I can recall one student from Memphis who struggled mightily with the Second Year Design Studio coursework, and primarily, I believe this struggle was rooted in his difficulty in making friends amongst the +/-45 member Second Year architecture school class.
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During my tenure at Mississippi State University, I was also a clarinet player within the Maroon Band, therefore I was obligated to attend all of the football games that the marching band supported (which was 90% of the scheduled fall games).
I recall having the opportunity to attend the Liberty Bowl - MSU vs Air Force (with my clarinet in tow) during Christmas break of my sophomore year, and having the good fortune of running into this student from Memphis. He was all smiles as he excitedly asked me if I was still within the architecture program. I replied with a resounding YES, and this brought on an even bigger grin across his face. From there, he could hardly contain himself by exclaiming his decision to leave the architecture degree program (and MSU altogether) behind.
I remember standing there on the sidelines looking confused and a bit flummoxed, but eventually, I realized that his quitting had freed him from isolation and all the misery therein.
And some of that misery and isolation, I had indirectly contributed to, due to the fact that I was on the "higher end" of the aforementioned sophomore year hierarchal discrepancy.
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What makes an individual relationally compelling? What are those traits that provide a bit of a gateway for some individuals to be pursued platonically and others not?
Speaking specifically about this Memphis guy, I offer the following recollections combined with experience with others like him (including me).
1. Take an interest in other men.
1b. Ask thoughtful questions of these men.
2. Try to put yourself within other men's shoes.
And that's really it.
Now, let's expound on these.
1. Because we human beings are constantly self analyzing, stroking / managing our egos, it takes genuine effort to actually pivot our attention from ourselves to another human being for any length of time. But this must be accomplished if you're going to be successful in gaining friends. Too, we need to realize that since 99.9% of our time is devoted to this, that .1% that remains can most certainly be relinquished sans complaining. I've heard more often than not that guys can come away from initial junctures with potential friends and feel as if they were called to listen too much. But what they've failed to realize is that whilst given an opportunity, many men will not hold back in advancing in that direction, particularly if they've made the decision to invest their story (into someone else) for such a time as that.
Now, let's circle back to that one student from Memphis that I mentioned earlier on.
This student, just like the rest of us, was required to be in the second year studio space from 1 PM - 5 PM every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday there in the architecture building. He was assigned a drafting table and stool just like his +/-45 peers. And that drafting table was amongst all the others (though from what I can recall, his was on the perimeter of the studio space).
That 4 hour, thrice-weekly class was every architecture students' time to design pretend buildings - for the most part - that had been assigned to us by our team of professors. And we had a lot of leeway in that class to mull around and critique each other's - in progress - work.
This one student from Memphis never took the opportunity to do anything for those 4 hours except work silently at his drafting table. In fact, none of us even knew his name because he was literally silent - at all times. In fact, the only time I believe I'd ever heard him actually speak was during the aforementioned Liberty Bowl juncture.
Now, I get that this young man may have had a shitload of personal stuff going on in the background that no one else was privy to, but even so, he was amongst an assigned, highly streamlined peer group. And we were all highly collaborative and overall very supportive (even taking the two sub-groups into consideration).
1b. When I was appointed to the position of Staff Architect with the Department of Finance & Administration (State of Mississippi), back in 2006, I was mated to an existing bureaucrat (who'd worked there +/-3 years), and as such, we were teamed to oversee both the planning (me) and construction (him) of publicly funded projects within a certain region of the state assigned to us as a team.
It was my hope at day one of my new job to befriend this now teammate of mine, but I was unsuccessful in doing so, therefore throughout the 6 years I worked there, my relationship with him was icy at best.
Why?
Because none of my initial questions / comments to him during my warmup (90) days had any real thoughtfulness behind them. Instead, what came out of my mouth towards him was mostly driven by emotion. And this reeked of arrogance or outright unintelligence (both emotional and cognitive). In fact, I can actually remember me driving the final nail into the coffin of our fledging friendship via yet another dumbass question from Rob.
No one wants to befriend a dumbass. I mean, who needs the hassle? Therefore, he chose not to befriend me.
As a result of this stupidity on my part, those (6) years at DFA were not nearly as enjoyable as they could have been had I simply made more of an effort relative to thoughtfully communicating with this newfound colleague.
2. And this last one is the hardest of all. But I will say this, it gets a whole lot easier to accomplish this one when you're a middle-aged man versus a young man. Gray hair equates to experience, and that experience is what enriches a middle-aged man's outlook on so many things.
Yet, experience does not begat wisdom. Wisdom is a gift from God, and I believe the foundation of wisdom is taking the time to rake through the "leaves of the past". Methodically and with intentions towards learning. Learning that's centered on maturation, sanctification, and forgiveness whilst being cocooned in humility.
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My Silas was just recently appointed to a new administrative position over the summer, and like I was when I was his age (he's decades younger than I am), he's been both elated to have been affirmed via this appointment and overwhelmed at the thought of the newfound responsibilities therein. Hence, all of these emotional and cognitive climaxes have had him obsessed with nothing but THE NEW J-O-B over the past +/-45 days.
And this has been to the point of me being intentional about pulling back a bit. For he simply hasn't had any spare grey matter for anything but THE NEW J-O-B, therefore there was no point in me attempting to lean in to my brother. Instead, I simply had to be patient with him. For it's not everyday that this type of milestone occurs.
But, the situation is beginning to change somewhat, particularly now that he's experienced one full week of his official administrative duties within the new position.
So, in light of what I detailed above (1, 1b, 2), here's my forecasted next move.
I telephoned him on Friday, (8/13) and he returned by call yesterday, (8/14). I asked him specifically about last week (his first full week of administrative duties at new job). And that was the only point of my call. Though he did, reflexively, ask about my outlook, I deflected the question, and really worked hard to interrogate him further thoughtfully about THE NEW J-O-B.
Then I asked him if it could be arranged for me to come visit him on the job soon in order to see firsthand the new setting he's working within.
And this is where I struck gold.
You could tell he was struggling to contain the excitement in his voice as he imagined me stepping into his vocational realm as his brother. And what I mean by that term "brother" is someone with a lengthy personal history (he and I have walked together formally - via Samson Society - since early 2019).
In closing, I hope this idea pans out. For I want this pursuit (his pursuit of me) to continue to be earned / vetted out between the two of us. No matter how hard or inconvenient it may seem to be.
There is nothing more valuable to me than nurturing friendships that meet my personal needs. Samson Society, throughout the past 7 years, has served as the ultimate petri dish (streamlined, assigned peer group) for these relationships to mature out of.
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