The Infidelity Vaccine / Salacious Selfies

I have Covenant Eyes on every Internet capable device I have access to, and the reason for this is I cannot be trusted online whilst by myself.  As an introvert, in particular, the Internet presents an opportunity for Rob to escape into the digital abyss, and I've taken this approach so many times prior that it's now my default online modus operandi.  Covenant Eyes in a sentinel program that constantly monitors my screen(s) for salacious imagery via its algorithmic magic.  From there, it compiles screenshots that the software believes should be reviewed by my accountability partners - every few days, once a week, & so forth.  And those accountability partners receive those reports via scheduled emails.

A few months back, I get this forwarded email from my accountability partner.  It was one of my Covenant Eyes reports titled "Recommended Review for Rob" and within were all these blurry thumbnail-sized screenshots.  The images were obviously amateur photos of a buck naked man who looked as if he were either absolutely caught off guard or having a grand time.  

My heart stopped beating and time stood still.

"Oh no."

The photos were selfies of none other than me.

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My mother cheated on my dad when I was between 9 and 10 years old.  I was in 4th grade, and as an only child, I vividly remember the massive familial fallout relative to this ongoing tryst.  The man who seduced my mom was her boss, and apparently, he was quite the specimen of an older man.  Based on what my father has shared with me regarding this harrowing season within their marriage, "Ron" was so intimidating / influential that my dad refused to confront him.  Instead, he hired a private investigator to follow them, take photos, bug their hotel rooms, etc.  From there, he had the goods on my mom to nail her to the wall, all the while sinking into a deep despair as the love of his life betrayed him over and over again.

But (for better or worse - I honestly don't know which) instead of him choosing to take a legal stand, he chose to stay with her, but as punishment for her 6+ month (or longer) long fling, he decried her forever, unequivocally untrustworthy.  Therefore even today, he holds all of this illicit behavior over her head.  It's nauseating to witness, yet her own self-loathing that grew out of this tryst actually feeds off of his scorn and continually indirect shaming.  Therefore, as you can imagine, all of this dysfunction has made a distinct impression on me as the Junior.

Keep in mind too, I'm a 48-year old man, therefore this adulterous event occurred almost 40 years ago when my parents were both in their mid to late-twenties.  Their marriage was almost brand new, and they were very young.  All in all though, it's a freaking long time for anyone to live under their spouse's thumb, yet that's the summation of the tolerated dynamics within their very unhealthy yet not at all unique marriage arrangement.

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Northpark Mall was brought online in Ridgeland, MS in the early '80s, and man, it was no doubt a huge retail success for central Mississippi.  My few friends and I would hang out there most every weekend, and eventually, once I turned 15, I began working there at the Chick-A-Fil.  Good memories.

I distinctly remember the interior color palette and many of the seemingly neverending storefront retailers.  It was the epicenter of activity during the 1980s.  A venerable church of consumerism.

This past Saturday, my family met my parents at the Renaissance mall which is also in Ridgeland.  This retail complex was brought online in the relatively recent past, and just as Northpark was during it's heyday, it's been a huge commercial success.  As we did our fair share of loitering, I began to feel quite nostalgic.

The differences though between these two mall experiences are just distinct enough (taking the decades between their origins into account) for its patrons to believe that they're experiencing something completely new and different, but they're really not.  Overall, they're all put together just like every other retail mall mousetrap just with a revised shine for the next generation of consumers.

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Jesus made quite the declaration when he told his followers that lust in a man's heart equated to adultery.

Do what?  Did I hear that one correctly?

That's what he said.

He did this because he obviously knew man's heart well enough to portend that sin originates from there.

I walk a fine line whilst choosing to lust.  Overall, I have a deep seated understanding of just how devastating infidelity can be to a marriage / family.  Just as my own children have a firsthand experience with watching their parents suffer through a spouse's debilitating illness and all the ramifications therein. 

But, an experiential vaccine does not provide 100% immunity.  No vaccine does.

I'm still vulnerable, if not moreso - considering my pedigree.

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One of the first questions my Covenant Eyes accountability partner asked me regarding the aforementioned report was "What is going on?".  He couldn't tell via the blurry thumbnail photos within my report that they were of Rob.  Therefore, I explained, and from there, he asked who I'd sent them to.  I replied by saying "No one".  And that was the truth.  

But it served as a needed wake up call.

No more selfies.  No matter how novel or mainstream the experience may seem.

Thanks be to God for Covenant Eyes and my accountability partner.

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The entire foundation of western culture is built on novelty.  We as a people celebrate it, revere it, worship it.  Therefore, it permeates everything within corporate America, and as such its influence is exponential.  

I would argue that most trysts grow out of this same dumb reflex of ours as human beings whether it involves the latest technology gimmick or otherwise.

We human beings really are sheep.  So stupid.  So impressionable.  So easily deceived.  Yet, our Enemy lies to us constantly regarding this.   

"You will surely not die."

  

Lagniappe

More Lagniappe

Teamwork At Church / The Ultimate Silas Assignment

If you're married, you have a partner, and this can especially be apparent within public settings / venues.  For Angie and I, one of those repetitive marital venues is church attendance.  We, as a family, worship most every Sunday, and prior to the pandemic, we were also present on Wednesday nights - religiously - at Lakeside Pres.  

For me, as Angie's husband, I'm a textbook introvert, therefore church attendance is an energy drain.  Not a massive one, but nonetheless, a drain.  As a result, I tend to be prickly / easily flustered at church because of this involuntary slow energy drain.  Frankly, I resent it.

My wife is not within this same temperament camp despite her quiet demeanor, therefore church for her is a very different experience.

Hence, I'm a backseat Baptist while she's headed to the front row.  She's interested in lingering after the service, in order to socialize, while I'm making a beeline to the door immediately following the benediction.    

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Our return to the Reservoir in October 2013 wasn't by choice.  If you've followed my writing on this blog or know me personally, you know that I was terminated from my supposed "dream job" (after only one year) within Small Town Mississippi, and that's what triggered the move back here.  

Immediately, we returned to Lakeside Pres, but as such, I was a completely different man.  Inside, I was despondent.  All thanks to my own stupidity, and subsequently, how I'd been terminated by the CFO / HR Director of the institution (Delta State University) where I'd been employed.  And it wasn't like I disagreed with their assessment relative to my breaking the college's IT policy.  I'd admitted to doing that up front.  No, it was the demonization that was so difficult to swallow due to how much I respected these credentialed individuals who did the deed.  

The best way to describe it is as follows:  my family and I were thrown off an emotional cliff immediately following my two superiors ripping out my heart and submerging it in acid.  The situation was handled so poorly by these two, and I was in such a vulnerable position in tandem with their recklessness.

From there (30-45 days later), I recognized that I was essentially an emotional rape victim who'd subsequently been impregnated with a sense of worthlessness that had deeply rooted itself within my soul.

Whilst looking back, I see now that the timing was perfect for Satan to execute a massive assault on my soul via the idol I was bowing down to daily - my ever important dream job.  Suicidal thoughts eventually landed me in Don Waller's office (10 months later) and the Samson Society group he was then facilitating back in 2014.

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Angie's ischemic stroke occurred on May 29 of this year.  She was hospitalized - alone - for a week prior to an extended stay within a rehabilitation hospital.  She was 49 when it occurred, and had no other health issues prior (other than general anxiety disorder).  The stroke damaged the portion of her brain that controls her left side (arm / leg), therefore walking / using her left arm immediately became quite the challenge.  

She lost some weight during all of this, but even then, she really wasn't overweight by a large amount.  

What she's faced with today is continued rehabilitation via twice weekly outpatient sessions, and the progress she's made has been miraculous.  Nonetheless, she still walks very slowly and carefully.  Also, getting dressed, for her, is tough.  Stepping off or up onto a curb is tough.  Washing dishes is tough.  And on and on.  All physical activity for her now is tough to do.

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Angie's presence as my wife was critical to me being able to face the world immediately following my termination from my dream job at DSU.  Had she not been there, I'd likely never darkened the door of Lakeside Pres again - after our move back to the Reservoir.  Unlike me, Angie had no shame relative to what had gone down, and though she couldn't relate to my Internet porn issues, she deeply respected my struggles with same sex attraction and all the complications that came with it.   

I can vividly remember back in late '13, sitting next to her in Sunday School at that little church.  This was soon after we'd returned, and I was frantically typing journal entries on my smartphone throughout the entire lesson.  It was as if the Holy Spirit was using that sweet little Presbyterian congregation as a spiritual conduit.  I did the same amount of digital journaling during worship services Sunday after Sunday after Sunday for months on end.  What I discerned was incredibly helpful relative to not only where I was at emotionally but how I might begin to emerge.

And all the while, Angie was there by my side.  Never once complaining about my obviously distracted state of mind and the embarrassment I likely caused her by not paying attention in the least (remember we were typically seated on the front row).  

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I wish I could admit to being just as supportive of her today as she faces her own disability - post-stroke.  For her situation is far more serious than mine ever was.  Not only has her physical health been impacted but her emotional health as well.  There's been a lot of tears shed this year by my sweet Angie, and a handful of those sobbing sessions have been initiated with outrage.  Angie's not one to throw objects, but screaming isn't out of the question.  As you might imagine, this whole affair has left a distinct impression on her by seeding anger and disappointment, not to mention fear relative to a follow up medical emergency.

Considering all of that, when it comes to being in public, especially at our church, she's now dependent on me and my girls to monitor her entry / exit from the small campus.  Initially, this was due to her being so easily fatigued, but now it's moreso related to her fear of tripping up and losing her footing.  Despite the fact that she walks really well, she can't feel too much of her left foot, therefore she's had to learn how to walk by paying attention to what she can feel relative to the movement within her left knee.  Hence, her decidedly slow pace and concern regarding falling down.

So, in many ways, I'm now sort of my wife's Silas.  Literally.  Always there to keep an eye on her whereabouts and how exactly she's traversing from place to place.  It's a privilege.  I do feel as if I'm showing her off to everyone (which is a familiar Samson Society feeling, now that I think about it).

The other part of this Silas / Paul analogy is how dependent on me she now is due to her disabled state relative to having the confidence she again longs for.  

In closing, I've been so privileged to serve so many men in Samson Society as their Silas over the past 6+ years.  How cool it is to have received the needed experience / training to now do so for my sweet Angie.  Especially considering the original matrimonial role model (her) I had / have to follow today.

Are Porn Models Real People? Do Their Lives Have Merit? How Can We Be Compelled To Pity Them? Who Are These Men & Women Really?

The Finesse In Being A Third Wheel / Jesus, The Mediator

A mediator is often the perfect unifier, especially when the two original parties have a relational narrative that hasn't resulted in an ideal outcome.  

Our Heavenly Father exists and works on behalf of his own glory.  Always.  As his (adopted) children, we're chosen by him to be on the "A" team, and from there, our lives become part of his good work on this Earth.  And that includes our slip-ups / failures.  It's a grand narrative of redemption and grace.  

Prior to Jesus' death and resurrection on the cross of Calvary, there was no means for us Gentiles to experience this adoption.  We were the uncircumcised who were doomed to hell.

The apostle Paul (New Testament author / first missionary of gospel) talks about Jesus as the mediator between us and God.  And this development was a result of our Heavenly Father wanting to provide the ideal solution for this less than ideal relationship between his people and himself.

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Have you ever considered, prior to Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, that God's children's only means to approach the "throne of grace" was ceremonially?  Therefore, dialoguing with God via prayer was obviously very different than what's available to us today as the "priesthood of believers".  In essence, God made himself known very differently pre-Messiah.  Ultimately, there were procedural / communication limitations within the relationship between his children (Israelites) and himself that are very difficult for us to fathom today.

Have you ever been part of an organization (family, business, church) where the relationship between the president and you yourself wasn't working out to the expectations of everyone involved?  What's typically the outcome that you've seen within these circumstances?

Typically, you find yourself being quickly replaced.

Relative to our relationship with our Heavenly Father, that wasn't the case.  His son, Jesus, solved the problem as the ultimate mediator, and this in turn sealed us to God through our faith in Christ.

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Why are there four gospel accounts within the New Testament?  

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John focus on Jesus' ministry on this Earth.  Why aren't there four separate versions of the book of Genesis divinely inspired by four separate authors?  

Jesus ministry on Earth was a game-changer for mankind.  It's good news that's never yesterday's news.  It's relevant 'till Christ's second coming to Earth.  Think of the gospels as four highly respected journalistic accounts.

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Have you any idea how much God loves you?  Do you realize how much value you are to him?  

Have you ever read one or all of the gospel accounts and marveled at how Jesus ministered and continues to minister as the perfect mediator?  

If not, make a point to do so soon and allow it to anchor your understanding of how significant a position you have as a Christian within God's family.  All glory to God!  You are on the "A" team.

Recommended Viewing - John Lynch is the featured speaker of the forthcoming Samson Society Fall Retreat (November 6-8, 2020)

Recommended Viewing

Recommended Listening - "Silas Talk" by Mr. Rob Brown

 This is a fantastic speech that was originally hosted on the first generation Samson Society website.  Highly recommended.

Recommended Viewing

Recommended Viewing (Very cool north MS man). This Is So Good.

Fall To Your Knees & Thank God For Allowing You To Dodge That Bullet / "The Curse God & Die" Post

My sweet wife asked me last night if I thought her May 29 stroke and all the ramifications therein was / had manifested itself as punishment from God.  She went on to say that she'd been self-examining over the course of the day, trying to determine what she might have done to deserve being stricken as she was / is.

We know from God's Word that planet Earth is under the jurisdiction of Satan.  He's the ruler here, therefore our culture / society, in particular, greatly reflects his influence, and of course too, we're fallen beings and our physical bodies reflect that as such.

The Bible speaks of Satan being thrown from heaven (to Earth) with his army of rebellious angels after attempting a coup.  It also describes him as the most beautiful of all the angels prior to his removal.  He was an "Angel of Light" prior to his punishment from God.

Satan shows up in Genesis (the first book of the Bible) early on, appearing as a serpent in the Garden of Eden, and from there relative to that very first deception, he influences mankind's future on a tremendous scale.

Yet, the Bible makes it clear that God's relationship to Satan is one of master.  To use Dr. John Piper's analogy, Satan is essentially on God's leash.  This insight we can discern for ourselves from the book of Job which paints a clear picture of God's present relationship with Satan.  If you haven't read it at all or in a long while, I'd urge you to return to that book.  

Big time loss seems to be the obvious tool of assault that Satan uses on Job, but it soon becomes apparent that it's those loved ones around Job (post personal calamity) who are moreso his toolset than anything else. 

No doubt Earthly prosperity - of any ilk - is virally identifiable on a personal level.  Now, we do see Job's heart as wholeheartedly loyal to God, but still, he (nor his wife / "friends") cannot deny what's been lost (family, possessions, health) overnight because it was once intact and interwoven into his (& their) existence on Earth.

As such, those influencers cannot help but point to the now contrast and subsequently have an opportunity to comment on it.  And not at all for the better.

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Growing up with homosexual desires, particularly as a teenager, I found to be really strange, and mainly this was centered around my knowing that my peers weren't experiencing any of these bizarre attractions as I was.  Yet, were it not for these unusual sexual desires, I'd likely not have been in touch with my depravity to the degree that I was as a 13 year-old.  Therefore, sans that understanding, what heartfelt value would the gospel have had to me?  Likely very little.

To take that a step further, it was somehow possible for me to see my homosexual desires were a manifestation of a deep seated inner brokenness that was tied to my very insecure sense of masculinity.  Perhaps my parents' willingness to never single out my effeminate persona laid the groundwork there for me to begin to grasp this.  I don't know. 

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Prior to her stroke, Angie really, really, really struggled with isolating shame surrounding her anxiety.  And that shame cycle for her was tied to any and all facets of her (seemingly at the time good) health.  Now, the anxiety itself she had in check, but the shame tied to it, like so often is the case with shame, was simply too much for her to handle.

Over the past four months, she's started to recognize just how effectively in bondage she'd been to this.

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When I disclosed to Angie about my homosexual desires (very soon after disclosing to my parents), we had fallen in love and were no doubt a serious dating couple.  She was the third person on planet Earth that I told.  We were both in our early-20s at the time (Angie turns 50 next weekend).  And I wasn't ashamed in the least.  But that was all thanks to how my Christian parents had not overreacted firstly.

To circle back to my sweet wife, her parents manifested the opposite end of the reactionary spectrum - relative to almost everything she disclosed / faced whilst growing up.  Hence, Angie learned early on to keep her mouth shut about any and everything in order to protect herself.  Considering all of that, their negative / overbearing / nonsensical influence is only beginning to be emotionally exorcised from her post-stroke, and my hope, going forward, is to always be on the positive (helpful) side of that process.

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Satan, being the great influencer that he is, is not God.  He only knows what we too know through Scripture in terms of God's intent / promises coupled with what he's discerned as an immortal being who at one point in history resided within God's presence in heaven.  Regarding the latter (immortality), he's definitely been around the block, if you know where I'm coming from.

Therefore, in my opinion, one of his most precise offensive tactics is to attempt to set us up to be vastly emotionally compromised via others' reactions to us - whether as children, young adults, or otherwise, or in some cases unfortunately, through us.  So how does he do this?  I think it's mainly via blind ignorance.

Think back on Satan's deceiving of Eve in the Garden of Eden.  She wasn't alone whilst dialoguing with the serpent.  Aloof Adam was right there with her, and he said not a word before she handed him the same piece of fruit to eat from.  I imagine Adam not understanding his own ineptness within that critical situation until it was far too late.

There's no doubt that it's downright fun at times kicking someone while they're down through our collectively compromised ideals (finger pointing).  I know this firsthand just as you do.  As such, Adam too was likely instantly enlightened to this just as soon as he witnessed Eve chomp down on that forbidden fruit.

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In closing, we may very well be most at risk via Satan's influence by none other than the reactions of those around us (& vice versa).  

So, knowing that, how did I answer Angie's question last night?

With great care (which unfortunately isn't always the case depending on my mood).

Thanks be to God for giving me the wisdom to (mostly) have learned - today - to answer my sweet wife's hard questions carefully.  (It's taken a long while).

I cannot tell you the number of times I've not fared so well relative to my reaction to whomever - friend, child, spouse, etc., and I have the bullet wounds to prove it.

May God temper my heart to see far above personal circumstance, all the while being keenly aware of my being susceptible to both repose or knee jerk (or anything in between) reactions that may not serve anyone well except "The Prince of the Power of the Air" himself.  

Armor me Lord Jesus from Satan's influence over my influence as well as the influence of those around me.

Samson Society - The No Bull September Briefing

 

THE NO BULL BRIEFING September 2020

Whoa, Nellie! There's COVID In Them Thar' Hills!! Due to the ongoing Covid restrictions in the foreseeable future, the Spring Cruise of '21 will have to wait for '22. Basically we have found it difficult to get venues to commit to a date on the calendar (many churches are still shut down or severely restricted). The domino effect from there makes it a no-go, at least for coast-to-coast in Spring of '21. However, we are trying to salvage a pared-down version of the tour, sans large group venues. Yes, Covid sucks. Currently the plan is to get the boys (Nate, Aaron, and Tom) out to key cities where we have multiple groups or large numbers of Pirate Monks. Our goal is to get the word out about Samson Society in this age of Covid, encourage men fed up with isolation, and have the usual rollicking good time with each other. We'll keep you posted. Updates and cruise communications: samsoncruise21@gmail.com Samson Slack Channel: #samson_cruise_21 What About the Retreat??  We're Still ON, But ... It's FULL Registrations for this year's annual Fall Retreat have been brisk, to say the least. That, combined with Covid-compliance limiting our numbers, means this year's retreat filled up almost as soon as we opened registration. Soooo, We're Planning A Virtual Retreat for Nov. 20-21 That's right, a virtual retreat! All the same speakers, breakout groups with live discussion, and even a live Samson meeting. All the fun of a regular Samson retreat, sans the bottomless cups of coffee, hugs and firepit. We will be sending out a special email with details for registration and log-on instructions. New Online Silas Training Course Everyone needs a Silas, and everyone can be a Silas. However, many guys who've had a positive Silas relationship really want to be a good Silas themselves but don't feel up to the task. Being a Silas is simply a matter of being authentic, a good listener, and available. Our new Silas Training Course is a quick, four-part video series featuring Samson Society founder, Nate Larkin, followed by a 90-minute live workshop. We need MORE Silases! If you've had a Silas for 30-45 days, you're ready to BE a Silas. Watch the training videos and sign up for the first workshop (October 11, 6:00PM Central, sign up available on the website soon). If you've been a Silas but you'd like to be a better Silas - take the course, you'll be glad you did! How to access the Silas training course: Go to the Silas portal and login at https://silas.samsonsociety.com/login  Navigate to the "Resources" tab on the left-hand side and select "Courses." Then select "Silas Training" to enroll and begin taking the course. This is the Beta version of the Silas Training Course - we are keenly interested in your feedback. "Sex, Lies, and Videotapes" by Roger C (first in a four-part series) I was raised in a small town in rural Northwest Florida, or “LA” as we called it (that’s “Lower Alabama” for my northern friends). My parents came from farming families and my dad worked in a factory. When I graduated from high school, I went to a military academy in New York. Only the seniors were allowed to have cars, so most of us took opportunities to travel to New York City through various clubs that bused us down on weekends. My roommate Pat, a street-wise city boy from Los Angeles, and I went down on one trip. As we walked down one street, we saw a man with a small folding table with a crowd. Curious, I walked up to see what the commotion was about, while Pat kept walking. He had three half walnut shells and a pea and was shuffling them around then asking the people to bet on which shell held the pea. I followed along and guessed correctly...out loud. The rest was a blur, but the crowd cheered me on to join in, and somehow $20 left my wallet as I placed a bet, guessed wrongly, and lost $20. When I told Pat my story, he sprung into action to find the con man who had stolen my money, but he was long gone. I learned that the “crowd” actually worked with him to pull naive folks like me into the game. I felt foolish, of course, and was out $20, but the lesson was not lost on me. I’ve had other occasions to make poor decisions when I relied on what I thought I knew or saw, only to later find out that the world is not as it seems. Everyone is not to be trusted and we live in a culture where illusions and lies, smoke and mirrors, mislead us, and where people make money off those false beliefs.           READ MORE Because You Asked ... Yes, Covid has taken a toll on Samson House contributions. As we say, "Samson doesn't have dues or fees, but we DO have expenses." We try very hard not to badger you about money, simply letting the quality of our community do our talking. That said, if you value the mission of Samson Society, please consider a monthly contribution or a one-time major gift. You can give HERE, or text Samson House at ‭(719) 722-3545

SUPPORT@SAMSONSOCIETY.COM WWW.SAMSONSOCIETY.COM

Recommended Reading from Desiring God. I needed to read this today.

 https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/holy-is-who-you-are