"Keep Those Kids Busy If You Want To Keep Them Out Of Trouble."

Let me translate this mantra for you, and please know this is my take on this phrase.

What it really means is this:  "I'm either ignorant relative to parenting my children or uninterested / too busy with other more important things, therefore I choose to let someone else / something else do it for me."

Parenting isn't at all easy.  There's the uniqueness of the child to account for plus circumstance / culture to constantly contend with.  

I will say regarding the former that your child is your child.  In other words, they're not all that much different from you (assuming they're biological).  Regarding the latter, best of luck.  Prayers and patience and lots of intentionality will be required to tackle those.

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I heard this phrase (that's the title of this post) from a client many years ago.  I had the privilege of meeting with he and his wife one winter evening within their lovely home, and in spite of the dialogue being centered on personal risk planning, they volunteered this whilst finding out that I had three daughters.

This couple was rolling in the dough.  As such, both were highly intelligent, ambitious, great looking business owners who'd both divorced and re-married (each other).  Therefore, these were very, very busy folks, both of which weren't too much older than me.  I distinctly remember feeling intimidated by them both, especially considering the trappings of the small compound they called home.

Despite all of this, my immediate internal response to their child-rearing advice was that it was a cop out.

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If you know me at all, you know that I despise pocket computers, tablets, computer watches and so forth.  I detest flying on airplanes anymore because these ridiculous devices are so ubiquitous.  People walking through their life with wireless ear buds in their ears, in my opinion, are idiots.  And don't even get me started on those asinine computer watches.  As such, I realize most of humanity disagrees with me on this, this is my viewpoint.  And I don't believe I'm off base in the least.

To summarize, I see electronics as nothing more than novel distractions that have stolen / are stealing much of the beauty of our humanity, and this process is solidified when parents indoctrinate their offspring early on in line with their own lazy, lackadaisical parenting.

Therefore, now that we've gotten that out of the way, I want to close with this.

God parented us - his adopted children - via his son, Jesus.  It was his way of modeling his expectations of us as his people for us to see firsthand.

Jesus' life, his priorities, his interests reflect those of our heavenly father.  And we see and hear from him through scripture just as our children hear and see us - as we live out our lives.  For better or for worse...or not at all.

What do your children see when they think of dad?  What would they say are your priorities for yourself and for them?  How vested would they say you are in novelty?  Would they purport to being "parented" by extracurricular activities / electronics?  Do they see a Christian father, or would they no doubt categorize you as just like all those other pagan dads?

If you don't know for certain the answer to these, go ask your offspring, and use their feedback to their advantage.  And remember, time is of essence.  Very soon, they'll be adults themselves with children of their own.

Focus On The Dignity Shown You

As Christian men, we really can't think / quantify / qualify our sin enough.  There should never be a concluding statement or last chapter.  Qualifying our sin is like shaving.  It's procedural and ongoing.  And I would argue, for every man, it should be important enough to do regularly.

As a sidenote, I like to grow my stubble out for 3-5 days before shaving it clean off, loving that baby's bottom smoothness throughout my face / neck which results.  

We can't see our God's faithfulness unless we do this.  And to be more exact, we can't see God's dignified faithfulness unless we do this.  

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A good father treats his children with dignity.  That's just a given.  God also personifies this behavior as our heavenly father.  And he does this despite him knowing exactly who we are, warts and all.  

In contrast to this is our relationship with our own (biological) father's finite knowledge / understanding of us.   

My children (particularly my oldest two) intentionally stay at arms length from me most of the time.  They're budding young adults, and as such, I must respect their need for "wriggle room" (privacy).  Nonetheless, I do keep a close eye and work to be intentional about fathering them well.  And as such, I do not shy away from disclosing my personal regrets relative to my own sinful behavior when I feel so moved / am prompted by the Holy Spirit.  

As God's children, we're 100% in his view.  His eye is fixed on us 24/7/365.  And as such, he sees our hearts.  Yet he doesn't reject nor disqualify us.  And shaming us is impossible.  As our God, none of those things compute with his purpose (to redeem us).

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Be encouraged today to recommit to the work involved in best understanding yourself, and whilst doing so, inhale the truth of how much dignity your heavenly father has shown you despite his omniscience.  Dignity is personalized care that demonstrates love to its fullest. 

Remember, beards are overrated.  Go ahead and expose that flesh.  Air it out.  Show it off.  And enjoy that baby bottom smoothness.

Recommended Reading From The Atlantic

 The Pandemic Is Resetting Casual Friendships - The Atlantic

Shirtless Douchebag

A reliable friend of mine during our 6th grade year would often invite me over to his abode to spend the night.  This would be a Friday night sleepover, and his house, compared to my parents' was expansive.  Plus, it sat on some beautiful acreage in (then) rural Madison county, and this, compared to what I was used to was absolutely over-the-top.  Therefore, I enjoyed these sleepovers despite my friend's preference for being shirtless during much of our time together there at his home.

When you're given the opportunity as a boy (especially considering my only-child status) to spend time at another boy's home, it's no doubt a privilege.  I knew this, therefore I always kept my uncomfortableness regarding David's semi-naked bod to myself.  As such, I distinctly remember making every attempt to just be cool and collected, recognizing that this was just David's thing.

What was impossible to ignore was the fact that David's body was different than mine, at least from a 12 year-old's point of view.  His looked to be perfectly positioned to rocket forward into adolescence / young manhood whereas mine looked to be stuck in childhood.  David's arms had three distinct parts - shoulder, upper and lower arm.  My arms were not like his.  Mine looked more like a girl's arm with no distinct components from upper to lower - smooth, linear, and extremely lean.

After 6th grade, David changed schools, and I never saw him again, though I have Googled his name as of late.  And not surprisingly, he went on to become a noteworthy college football player as a lead up to him then being appointed as a (quite successful) bank executive in the Natural State.  And based on the publicity photos available online, his physical stature as a man absolutely harkens back to the fun times I spent with him in 1985.

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Today, men's physical appearance is just as much a proponent of their perceived value to society as it ever was during Biblical times.  And if you're surprised at that statement, you're not privy to Scripture; particularly Old Testament stories of men like Saul and David, the first appointed kings of the nation of Israel.

I've written in the past about the physical appeal of some pastors and how God uses that to no doubt further the gospel.

Men's bodies telegraphing physical prowess, by default, personify / exemplify the notion of providing security.  Remember, women (& some men even) crave security.

    

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You don't really begin sizing yourself up against other boys 'till you're in middle school.  I, like so many, faced the truth of my scrawny stature during the infamous, unavoidable 7th grade PE class.  It happened right there during my first period (or first block) at 8:10 AM Monday through Friday at Madison - Ridgeland Academy.  This was Rob's reckoning.

And that's when / where my self loathing really took shape.  So much so, in fact, that I quickly became unable to even evaluate my own physical self sans feeling worthless.  And that's when God wisely shattered my adjudication mirror, and by doing so, sort of supernaturally acknowledged how hard I was being on myself.

Thanks be to God.  (& no, I don't ever want that mirror repaired.)

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It's important that you understand something about Rob before continuing here.  In particular, as a child, I was a highly visual boy.  And this trait was easily refined, years later, as I pursued my degree in architecture.  For so much of one's work as an architect utilizes one's ability to see.

The other component of this part of my childhood was my disillusionment with my parents, right about the time I'd reached puberty.  This grew out of my mother's adulterous behavior (while I was in 5th grade) and the subsequent ongoing marital turmoil that resulted.  To summarize, as the only child in the house at the time, I consciously decoupled myself emotionally from both my father and mother as a result of feeling massively neglected through the entire ordeal.

As a result, all of this lead up to me choosing to idolize boys / men who met a certain physical standard, and within the throes of that idolization, I chose to homosexual lust intensely.  So much so, in fact, that it became cathartic relative to my now inability to at all see my own self with any accuracy (as yet another of God's image-bearers).

And these boys / men that I lusted for weren't just flesh and blood targets within my sphere of influence (school / church, etc.), but beautiful men who allowed themselves to be photographed within exercise magazines, greeting cards, wall calendars, etc.

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I'm a 48 year-old man today, and I still cannot see myself.  Yet I do at times catch glimpses.  And this is a unique part of my story that I'm a little hesitant even to share here.

Earlier this week, I dusted off our scales and weighed myself, and the number that the scale declared was larger than any I'd seen throughout my life.  And I was elated.

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For a sizable portion of my adult life, from the standpoint of hobbies, much of my time has been invested in either strength training (at a gym) or running.  And I believe this is because I'm not your typical middle / upper-class white Mississippi male.  What I mean by that is I simply don't enjoy hunting / fishing or SEC sports, social drinking / tobacco usage, camping, etc.  And as a result, my body today reflects this.  Plus, I'm an introvert, therefore spending time alone, taking part in these regimens, is fine by me.

But it's taken years and years of dedication for me to have reached this point.

Yet, I don't consider myself to be vain.  I don't obsess over my body, nor have I ever attempted to commit to some - outcome-based - progressive exercise program.  Instead, I simply run 10k a week and strength train twice (separated by at least one day).

I do try and eat wisely, yet I don't drink protein shakes nor take supplements of any kind whilst never, ever intermittently fasting.

And I strive to execute perfect form during every workout prior to stretching thoroughly (which awkwardly gains a lot of attention there at the Y).

My goal is to continue this routine 'till I drop dead, therefore recognizing that goal, I strive to be realistic relative to time spent / outlook for the long-term.  Good (not perfect) health is my main goal in committing to this.

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My first Silas (pre-Samson Society involvement) would run with me on Tuesday nights once a week.  The year was 2011.  He lived just a few miles from me, therefore logistically, it was easy to meet up at my abode for our weekly run.  I remember hesitatingly asking him if we could do so shirtless (during warm evenings), and he agreed to this.  This man was / is +/-5 years younger than Rob, and at the outset of us running semi-nude, he was and had been complacent in his focus relative to physical health.

But that seemed to change rather quickly as we continued to meet up.  It didn't take long for him to also make strength training a priority, coupled with our weekly runs.

More recently, I've run with other Samson guys, and as before, even boldly suggesting they too do so shirtless.  

What I've found is every man who agrees to this is no doubt taking a risk.  But it's not the risk as they understand it.  Instead, it's providing me with what those scales did a few days ago.  That is a chance to see me in light of themselves.  And I cannot emphasize enough here how grateful I am for these opportunities.  For again, I CANNOT SEE MYSELF OTHERWISE.

Last fall, I had the privilege of spending time with my Silas as he competed in an exercise competition with one of his college friends as his competition teammate.  My Silas was shirtless through a portion of this event and this was humbling to experience, but even moreso was the fact that despite me not being there to compete, a number of his fellow competitors asked why I wasn't.

Me.

Me?

Me.

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I don't know where I'd be today sans my exercise regimen.  It has certainly been time well spent / invested in as it pertains to my personal thorns.  Yet, I realize my issues are my own.

Though I don't take selfies (I'm not sure why I volunteered that here), on many occasions today I do enjoy lounging around our house shirtless.  Sometimes even, I eat meals with the family that way.  Nevertheless, I still hesitate to walk to the mailbox without a shirt on, and I absolutely do not run shirtless unless it's very early AM or after dark PM.

I have to wonder if my childhood friend, David, as a 48-year old is still as comfortable shirtless as I now am.  I hope so.  Looking back, I'm really grateful that he befriended me during a season of my life where my body felt more like a liability than anything else.

Lagniappe

Samson Society - The No Bull Briefing Newsletter - January 2021

 

THE NO BULL BRIEFING NEWSLETTER - January 2021

The Addict's Psalm The Lord is my Shepherd and though at times my flesh still wants terrible and sinful things, He is still completely committed to providing for me.  And even though I have many times lain down in filth, He is not ashamed to lie down with me in lush green places He Himself has prepared for us. In all the tumbling rush of my life, even in the midst of the swirling flood of my thoughts and desires, He calls to my heart and mind, guiding me to places where the waters are cool, and gentle, and still.  His one purpose: To restore each of my broken places. As He walks beside me, opening and revealing the path for my life, His name and His Self are more and more precious to me. He gives me His own righteousness, and it is His glory to do so. When the way is dark and threatening, though at times I fear for my life, the Lord is with me, strengthening me by his Word, and correcting me with His truth, comforting me with His Presence. Ever the Servant, my Lord Jesus, You feed me with Yourself at a feasting table laid by Your own hands. Prepared right in front of those who have long strived for my destruction and disgrace. Yet still, You pour the oil of Your anointing on my unworthy head. I cannot contain it; my heart wells up with praise and adoration; at times I am brim-full, yet You tell me there is more. Selah. I grow more convinced that Your mercy is forever mine, that You give it gladly, that it follows me even when I stumble. You have married it to the purity and goodness of Your own precious Self and are determined that they will be mine to the end of my days. Above all, I know I have a place in your heart, my home, and that I will live there for all time.  Amen, Come Lord Jesus,  - Barry W, Pirate Monk Scott Brassart 23 Tools for Sobriety During my more than 20 years in recovery from substance and sex addiction, I have developed a varied and useful sobriety toolkit. More so than I realized. In fact, this article, when I started writing it, was titled “10 Tools for Sobriety.” Before I realized it, I’d listed more than 20 items. Rather than paring down my list, I decided to publish it in full because different tools work better for some addicts than others. These are the 23 tools I turn to on a relatively regular basis and that I know work well in terms of keeping me relatively sane and sober. If you have tools of your own that I did not list here, please email me (scott@seekingintegrity.com) and I will update this list. In the interim, I hope you will find this listing helpful. 12-Step Meetings: This is where we connect with others who share our struggle, learning effective coping skills and both giving and receiving ongoing social support. 12-Step Sponsorship: Sponsors guide newcomers through the 12 steps of recovery while also serving as a confidant and advisor. Sponsors and sponsees tend to benefit equally from these relationships. (continue reading here) Used with permission: Scott Brassart, Director of Content Development, SexandRelationshipHealing.com Useful Resource Don Germain has designed an excellent banner you can use for your local Samson Society meeting. Just take the link below to your local printer and hang it outside your meeting place. Samson.pdf If you need a higher resolution file for your local printer, direct message Don on Slack and he will get it to you (vector file). 12 Steps Toward Spiritual Growth  (sarcasm alert) 1. Blame other people for your problems 2. Handle problems by yourself, don't ask anyone else for help (this works really well for addictions, especially porn addiction) 3. Live in denial of how bad your problem is - someone is always worse than you, in fact, you're not that bad. 4. Just pray about it, very quickly, don't ask anyone else to pray for you. If you do make that mistake, be very vague and don't get into details. 5. To know better is to do better - just study more and all your self-centered behavior, thoughts, and words will go away. 6. Spend more time in religious activity. If you just volunteer more, witness more, or preach more you will have victory over pride, lust, greed, rudeness and all the other problems you don't really have because you're a pretty great guy. 7. Beat yourself up about your sin. Tell yourself you're a failure and you'll never get over it. Repeat this step about 500 times a day and you will have peace. 8. Recoil in horror and spiritual pride if anyone gets close to exposing you. If you think you're better than other people, you are! 9. Remember, it's all about you! You are the center of the universe! You can be God! You don't need to apologize to anyone, in fact, everyone you've ever known owes you an apology for not realizing how right you are about everything! 10. Make a daily inventory of people you are angry at and decide how you will exact revenge. 11. Remind yourself of how much better you are than everyone who doesn't share your opinions on God, politics, or whatever else. After all, you're so obviously right, all the time! 12. Gossip about other people's problems, this will make you feel way better about yourself. - Mike D, Pirate Monk Quick Financial Update We matched 2/3 of the Matching Gift Challenge We ended the year in the black (praise God) We had 141 men contribute in December '20 MOVING FORWARD: Our expenses are generally the same month-to-month, but our contributions are clustered mostly in December. If your situation allows it, a monthly contribution would be very much appreciated (use the donate button on the home page). Of course, year-end giving makes a lot of sense for a lot of people, it just makes it difficult to pay our bills from March - November. Some men anticipate their year-end gift and then spread it out over 12 months with a bonus gift if there is any leftover. MOST IMPORTANTLY ... thank you all for advancing the Society. We truly are "rescuing families by helping men live in the freedom of authenticity." For a comprehensive review of 2021 finances email Tom Moucka.

Recommended Viewing - Please Take The Time To Watch This!

Is It A Christian Marriage If The Wife Rules The Roost (Is The Head Of Household)?

A sweet, devout Christian lady that Angie and I both love dearly (who also has one of the most affable, sunny dispositions) shared with us many years ago how her oldest son had politely rebuked her for teaching men outright within an adult (couples) Sunday School class at church, and as a result, she then respectfully yielded the teaching to her husband.  Whilst ruminating on that disclosure, after the fact, my wife and I both assumed this lady and her spouse had been a fairly young married couple during that time.  And I thought that to be particularly interesting, seeing how at that point, they were both well into their retirement years.

If you knew "Miss Mary Jane" (as most everyone calls her) from First Baptist Church Jackson as Angie and I do, you'd see sharp intellect, biting humor, and effective communication skills all emanating from a beautiful soul.  Had she been reared say in the 1980s versus the 1930 / 1940s, she'd likely have pursued a profession well in advance of maître d at her husband's Jackson restaurant.  

Yet, her Christianity was resolute.  Moreso than culture, and absolutely in line with taking into account the importance of her role as the submissive wife - both behind the scenes and within her entire family's sphere of influence.

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At the outset of my career as an architect and as a young, newly married husband, I began keeping a list of women I "thanked my lucky stars" to not be betrothed to.  Many of these ladies were married at the time, but my adjudication had nothing to do with their perceived roles as wives (which I certainly wasn't privy to).  Instead, it all boiled down to what I deemed as a submissive feminine heart or lack thereof.  And in all fairness, I've no doubt there are plenty of ladies (including some of these that I'd qualified) who kept a similar spousal black list (which I too was no doubt on).

Growing up within a household where my mother ruled the roost, I began to question our family's roots of this Biblically backwards setup, and from there, I didn't have to look too far into the past.  Both of my grandparents' marriages had an identical hierarchy, therefore my assumption is my father and mother both found familial comfort in each other, even as teenagers, relative to what the notion of committing to each other long term might look like (based on their collective heritages).

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The Bible is clear on the topic of husband / wife hierarchical roles.  The apostle Peter wrote about it plainly enough.  Therefore, as a result, I believe it can and may very well discourage women, whilst taken into account singularly, and as such may very well do the following.

1.  Encourage a number of women to stay unmarried (which ironically is the MOST EFFECTIVE position to be in as a believer for either sex).

2.  Promulgate the notion of women staying at arms length from Christianity (which is very troubling), but specifically to certain books / authors of scripture (New Testament / Peter).  

Why is the topic of the submissive wife stigmatized here in 2021?

Firstly, let me say this.  The gilded / celebrated / elevated notion of marriage is arguably ubiquitous within western culture (other than amongst blacks who conversely elevate singleness over betrothal), therefore as it (marriage) pertains to both the needed respect for husbands and the needed security for wives, direct teachings relative to submission of the female (& deep seated honor of the wife by the husband) is, in my mind, pragmatic and therefore helpful.

But Biblical teaching on marriage is often seen as too much of a polarizing topic for the church to teach / preach upon.  As such, many women who find themselves leaning into reaction #1 may very well benefit from seeking to obtain a clear understanding of the Biblical overview regarding the Bible's position.  And similarly, those who are in line with reaction #2 likely would benefit from gaining a clear picture of the apostle Peter's specific audience as well as the cultural circumstances of his day.

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Within a Christian marriage, what response should his wife give if her husband demands that she deactivate her Facebook account (after the topic has been discussed between the two)?

A.  Her (& his) Facebook accounts are deactivated

B.  Her (& his) Facebook accounts are deactivated, yet she reactivates hers the following day

C.  Her Facebook account isn't deactivated but his is

Within a Christian marriage, what response should her husband give if his wife demands that he install Covenant Eyes on both his home & work PC as well as his laptop and pocket computer (essentially every device he has browsing access to)?

A.  He complies with her request to its fullest

B.  He complies with her request partially

C.  He tells her to butt out 

Aren't those fun questions?  Not really fair relative to the direction I've been headed within this post, but designed to make you think about you yourself and (possibly) your own marriage.  I believe how you choose to answer these says a lot about your marriage as well as the handling of these specific topics as a couple.  Consider them bonus content for you to explore.

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Let's segue now to discussing pagan(ish) marriage.  That being one where the governance is either 50 / 50 or where the wife is the head.

I go back to what I stated earlier.  Respect and security should be our datums here, particularly as Christians but also as pragmatists.  Men typically crave the former and women demand the latter.  How do you cross pollinate both of these effectively unless you abide by what the Bible clearly decrees about marriage?  

Me not really sure.  Especially when you throw in the whole notion of being one flesh (again, as the Bible says).  There's just so much practicality here, and for me personally, it just makes sense.

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Earlier this week (likely Tuesday), I made the assumption that Covenant Eyes was somehow interfering with my browser (work PC) whilst attempting to move some data over (very un)seamlessly relative to an important work project I was focused on.  Therefore, after working with the IT help desk regarding this online hiccup, I chose to pull the plug on Covenant Eyes by calling their IT help for an uninstall passcode.  Over the past 7 years of having Covenant Eyes on my desktop PC, I've only done this perhaps one other time.

By yesterday (I chose to forego reinstalling CE as my work on this project was ongoing throughout the week), I was unable to resist the temptation to look at porn, therefore it didn't take me long to find a handful of gay porn videos that exemplify what turns Rob on.  All thanks to the power of Internet search engines.

Yet whilst looking back regretfully on that today, relative to this discovery no doubt chronicling some intensely passionate (key word) gay sex, nonetheless I absolutely found it to be so very forced and abnormal.  Therefore, in spite of the passion, the gay sex was in no way representative of those two aforementioned words played out by male / female.

As such, based on what I've observed through the years, gay porn works to simulate straight sex narratives to a tee, but none of it ever translates sans the inevitable distortion.  

Here's a quick summary of my viewpoint relative to the seeds of straight sex, with this being my attempt to point this back to what the Bible again states so clearly relative to the roles of wives and husbands.

I see vaginal intercourse is encouraged by the wife as an act of securedness in her husband.  Conversely, the husband actively seeks to penetrate his wife whilst feeling her respect / love throughout.  And that's a damn near perfectly beautiful picture of Christ and his church.

Obviously, this is an ideal sexual scenario / situation that I've described here, and yes, I do believe those can and do occur within marriage when relational health is at its peak.

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In the end, positioning the husband to lead is a risky approach to marriage hierarchy.  And that is a true statement.  Men are not perfect, and they're far from saints by default.  Were I female, these Biblical appointments alone would likely amount to providing ample fodder relative to Roberta (me) steering clear of ever getting hitched.  But, the Bible does clearly appoint the husband as the lead / head, and the church needs to be teaching this truth no holds barred.  Taking that role then into account, what can be done to shore up his leadership role?  To put it another way, how do we buttress him as such, within such an important role?

If he's a guy like me, he needs to be part of a Samson Society group either face-to-face or virtual.  From there, he needs to eventually select a Silas.  The commitment he's made to his Biblical marriage will no doubt benefit from it. 

As an aside, I did reinstall Covenant Eyes on my desktop PC before leaving work on Friday afternoon, and in tandem with that, I pinged my Silas to become my soon-to-be third Covenant Eyes' Ally.  As of this weekend, he's now setup to receive Covenant Eyes' robo-emails on my behalf.  Including those which notify when an uninstall code has been utilized.  His passion for my holiness will no doubt benefit me as he serves to keep an eye on what Covenant Eyes' consistently reports.

As the Biblical head of the Turner household, I simply cannot rely exclusively on myself regarding Internet browsing.  There's too much responsibility baked into the Biblical role of husband / father to compromise.

In closing, if you ever read this, Miss Mary Jane, thanks for your candor.

Lagniappe