A reliable friend of mine during our 6th grade year would often invite me over to his abode to spend the night. This would be a Friday night sleepover, and his house, compared to my parents' was expansive. Plus, it sat on some beautiful acreage in (then) rural Madison county, and this, compared to what I was used to was absolutely over-the-top. Therefore, I enjoyed these sleepovers despite my friend's preference for being shirtless during much of our time together there at his home.
When you're given the opportunity as a boy (especially considering my only-child status) to spend time at another boy's home, it's no doubt a privilege. I knew this, therefore I always kept my uncomfortableness regarding David's semi-naked bod to myself. As such, I distinctly remember making every attempt to just be cool and collected, recognizing that this was just David's thing.
What was impossible to ignore was the fact that David's body was different than mine, at least from a 12 year-old's point of view. His looked to be perfectly positioned to rocket forward into adolescence / young manhood whereas mine looked to be stuck in childhood. David's arms had three distinct parts - shoulder, upper and lower arm. My arms were not like his. Mine looked more like a girl's arm with no distinct components from upper to lower - smooth, linear, and extremely lean.
After 6th grade, David changed schools, and I never saw him again, though I have Googled his name as of late. And not surprisingly, he went on to become a noteworthy college football player as a lead up to him then being appointed as a (quite successful) bank executive in the Natural State. And based on the publicity photos available online, his physical stature as a man absolutely harkens back to the fun times I spent with him in 1985.
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Today, men's physical appearance is just as much a proponent of their perceived value to society as it ever was during Biblical times. And if you're surprised at that statement, you're not privy to Scripture; particularly Old Testament stories of men like Saul and David, the first appointed kings of the nation of Israel.
I've written in the past about the physical appeal of some pastors and how God uses that to no doubt further the gospel.
Men's bodies telegraphing physical prowess, by default, personify / exemplify the notion of providing security. Remember, women (& some men even) crave security.
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You don't really begin sizing yourself up against other boys 'till you're in middle school. I, like so many, faced the truth of my scrawny stature during the infamous, unavoidable 7th grade PE class. It happened right there during my first period (or first block) at 8:10 AM Monday through Friday at Madison - Ridgeland Academy. This was Rob's reckoning.
And that's when / where my self loathing really took shape. So much so, in fact, that I quickly became unable to even evaluate my own physical self sans feeling worthless. And that's when God wisely shattered my adjudication mirror, and by doing so, sort of supernaturally acknowledged how hard I was being on myself.
Thanks be to God. (& no, I don't ever want that mirror repaired.)
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It's important that you understand something about Rob before continuing here. In particular, as a child, I was a highly visual boy. And this trait was easily refined, years later, as I pursued my degree in architecture. For so much of one's work as an architect utilizes one's ability to see.
The other component of this part of my childhood was my disillusionment with my parents, right about the time I'd reached puberty. This grew out of my mother's adulterous behavior (while I was in 5th grade) and the subsequent ongoing marital turmoil that resulted. To summarize, as the only child in the house at the time, I consciously decoupled myself emotionally from both my father and mother as a result of feeling massively neglected through the entire ordeal.
As a result, all of this lead up to me choosing to idolize boys / men who met a certain physical standard, and within the throes of that idolization, I chose to homosexual lust intensely. So much so, in fact, that it became cathartic relative to my now inability to at all see my own self with any accuracy (as yet another of God's image-bearers).
And these boys / men that I lusted for weren't just flesh and blood targets within my sphere of influence (school / church, etc.), but beautiful men who allowed themselves to be photographed within exercise magazines, greeting cards, wall calendars, etc.
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I'm a 48 year-old man today, and I still cannot see myself. Yet I do at times catch glimpses. And this is a unique part of my story that I'm a little hesitant even to share here.
Earlier this week, I dusted off our scales and weighed myself, and the number that the scale declared was larger than any I'd seen throughout my life. And I was elated.
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For a sizable portion of my adult life, from the standpoint of hobbies, much of my time has been invested in either strength training (at a gym) or running. And I believe this is because I'm not your typical middle / upper-class white Mississippi male. What I mean by that is I simply don't enjoy hunting / fishing or SEC sports, social drinking / tobacco usage, camping, etc. And as a result, my body today reflects this. Plus, I'm an introvert, therefore spending time alone, taking part in these regimens, is fine by me.
But it's taken years and years of dedication for me to have reached this point.
Yet, I don't consider myself to be vain. I don't obsess over my body, nor have I ever attempted to commit to some - outcome-based - progressive exercise program. Instead, I simply run 10k a week and strength train twice (separated by at least one day).
I do try and eat wisely, yet I don't drink protein shakes nor take supplements of any kind whilst never, ever intermittently fasting.
And I strive to execute perfect form during every workout prior to stretching thoroughly (which awkwardly gains a lot of attention there at the Y).
My goal is to continue this routine 'till I drop dead, therefore recognizing that goal, I strive to be realistic relative to time spent / outlook for the long-term. Good (not perfect) health is my main goal in committing to this.
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My first Silas (pre-Samson Society involvement) would run with me on Tuesday nights once a week. The year was 2011. He lived just a few miles from me, therefore logistically, it was easy to meet up at my abode for our weekly run. I remember hesitatingly asking him if we could do so shirtless (during warm evenings), and he agreed to this. This man was / is +/-5 years younger than Rob, and at the outset of us running semi-nude, he was and had been complacent in his focus relative to physical health.
But that seemed to change rather quickly as we continued to meet up. It didn't take long for him to also make strength training a priority, coupled with our weekly runs.
More recently, I've run with other Samson guys, and as before, even boldly suggesting they too do so shirtless.
What I've found is every man who agrees to this is no doubt taking a risk. But it's not the risk as they understand it. Instead, it's providing me with what those scales did a few days ago. That is a chance to see me in light of themselves. And I cannot emphasize enough here how grateful I am for these opportunities. For again, I CANNOT SEE MYSELF OTHERWISE.
Last fall, I had the privilege of spending time with my Silas as he competed in an exercise competition with one of his college friends as his competition teammate. My Silas was shirtless through a portion of this event and this was humbling to experience, but even moreso was the fact that despite me not being there to compete, a number of his fellow competitors asked why I wasn't.
Me.
Me?
Me.
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I don't know where I'd be today sans my exercise regimen. It has certainly been time well spent / invested in as it pertains to my personal thorns. Yet, I realize my issues are my own.
Though I don't take selfies (I'm not sure why I volunteered that here), on many occasions today I do enjoy lounging around our house shirtless. Sometimes even, I eat meals with the family that way. Nevertheless, I still hesitate to walk to the mailbox without a shirt on, and I absolutely do not run shirtless unless it's very early AM or after dark PM.
I have to wonder if my childhood friend, David, as a 48-year old is still as comfortable shirtless as I now am. I hope so. Looking back, I'm really grateful that he befriended me during a season of my life where my body felt more like a liability than anything else.
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